Barry Herald

LITERARY EXTRACTS. .WHAT WAS THE Sijies NAME ?-There are a nam- ^of good legal stories in Sir Edward Russell's k of recollections, "That Reminds Me." One of at best relates to Mr. Justice Creswell's court. It 'Ifcs, if we mistake not, been told before, but will pro- fcftbly be new to many of our readers: There was OBce a Serjeant Channell, who for some reason was at fault somehow about his h's. One day before JIr. Justice Creswell, a sometime sayer of sly and acrid things, a ship case was being tried, and Ser- 5nt Chaunell was on one side and Sir Frederic esiger on the other. Every time the former men- fioned the vessel he called it the Ellen" every time fee other counsel mentioned her he called her the Jlelen," At last the judge, with quaint gravity, I Did: "Stop! What was the name of the ship? I have it on my notes th Ellen' and the 'Helen,' which is it ?" The Bar grinned. Oh, mylad," said Thesiger, in his blandest and most fastidious awaner the ship wascbristened the Helen,' but tile lost her' h' in the chops of the Channell." LORD WESTBURY'§ WIT.—Many stories gre told of lord Westbury's wit and snarp sayings. On his becoming Solicitor-General in Lord Palmerston's Government, he was called upon by the committee of 3be Conservative Club to resign his membership. Before obeying, he presented himself and addressed ftem. He had a small and, if I may use the expres- sion, a mincing or finicking-voice. Someone at the leG of the room called out: "Speak up!" I should have thought," he said, that the ears of anyone in Ma committee were long enough to have heard me." adeputation came to see him as Attorney-General, and, having heard his advice, their spokesman sfeid IIey would like to retire to make up their minds. He tNtfied: "Certainly, retire from this room, and Men you have made up what you are pleased to call you minds you will return, but you will not find me bere." When the horses in his carriage bolted, he sbouted to his coachman, Drive into something <SHEAP."—Sir Algernon West's Recollections. THE KING OF THE BEGGARS.—While we have heard of the Kings of many lands, and have come to recog- nise men who have acquired superior power and Influence in any particular calling as kings of trade," and the like, the King of the Beggars will be. to-most readers a new dignitary. Such a personage, however, exists, and is recognised by the State. In -china in Transformation it is said that organisa- tions have acquired such a hold on the social life of China that even the beggars are formed into a sort ofsociety. They are organised into companies, regi- ments, and battalions, and even have a king. His titk is the King of Beggars, and he is responsible for I fee conduct of his tattered subjects. On him the blame is laid when disorders, more serious than aual, occur among them. The King of the Beggars at Pekin is a real power. While the beggars Swarm like troublesome insects around. some chosen ffflage, and seek by insolence to intimidate every I One they meet, their king calls a meeting of the principal inhabitants and proposes for a certain -sum to rid the place of tits invaders. After a long dispute the contracting parties come to SB agreement, the ransom is paid, and the beggars #Bcamp, to pour down like an avalanche on sqme other place, and be bought off in the same manner. Sroublesome as Chinese beggars are, however, even they are ruled by etiquette, and have their profes- sional code. They may not call at private houses soeept on special occasions of mourning or festivity, and even that privilege may be compounded for by a I Covenant between the head of a family and the chief of the beggars. The roadside is always free to them, and the road to Peking is lined with the whining fraternity. They are sometimes really enterprising. Once at ths burial of a native Christian in Fuchati a aonpanv of beggars and lepers gathered round the (save and demanded twenty thousand cash before they would allow the coffin to be lowered. One of the rabble actually got down into the grave and pre- sented the lowering of the comn. They eventually Compromised for eight hundred cash. THE SPANISH FOR EGGS."—The Americanisation of Porto Rico has only begun, and the most amusing aights grow out of the desperate attempts of Americans in; San Juan to understand the natives and to .make themselves understood in returp. >CA Writer in Lippincott's Magazine gives a laughabi«:.pic- tare of a scene which took place before his eyea: in the breakfast room of one of the large hotels. Á I Altered the room a loud-voiced American was "Vociferating wildly, while a crowd gathered round trim. As I approached, he shook both fists ibt the crowd and yelled: "Boiled eggs?" If he had said "eggs" merely, somebody might have understood him, but boiled eggs," spoken as one word, floored everybody, and I sat down at a dis- tance to take in the scene. The man berated the Waiters as a pair of jackasses, and besought them to tall him where they had gone to school. "r Ki)ol, kool," cried the head waiter. "Yes, I know kool," and immediately brought a plate of cracked ice. At this the American exploded, but I stepped in and straightened matters out. I was paid for my pains, however, by being obliged to listen to his tale, the swual story of the stupidity of the "heathenish people," and of his utter failure to drive any sense into their heads. Lotus hope that the gentleman's methods of teaching the natives may never be much in vogue in our new possessions. ANECDOTJeSOF litlgh PEASANTRY.—Dr. L. Orman Cooper, in a recent pleasant account of his dealings as a physician with the Irish peasantry, tells some characteristic anecdotes of their doings and sayings which have the merit of being both new and true. It is well known that the water-cure is one not likely to meet with much appreciation in Erin; but the manner in which one old woman received the sug- gestion thata bath might be desirable was unexpected. She repudiated the idea indignantly. Sure," said ,.be, I've heard of washin' a corpse, but niver a live one!" He had some trouble with patients who were divided in mind as to the respective powers of him- self and the wise woman who would treat them as epfferers from witchcraft; and be was not always able to urge his claims to a victorious iqsue. Many suf- ferers, however, placed in him a childlike and cheer- ful faith, and of these a typical specimen was heard to remark: "The docther, God bless him, is after Siving me a description, and if it don't cure me hell escribe^me again." He.was able to "describe" for them on the whole successfully, although at first he fcund it difficult, on receiving accounts of the invalids from distracted messengers or relatives, to judge what kind of disease he would have to deal with. But in good time he acquired the necessary knack of interpretation, and ceased to be puzzled when he was called in to treat tonsillitis under the appellation of tomatoes in the froat": bronchitis, as ,11 brown katum on the stomach," or even "con- jectuse of the lungs with combinations!" presumably congestion of the lungs with complications. With aM the bulls and blunders of his patients, however, they were bright enough in their own way, and tfiey -eould describe an affliction if they could not always Same it. QUAINT CATASTRopHzs.-Brood ing over tombstones, 4oes not sound exactly like a cheerful occupation, .P& ton, and one certainly would not think of retiring to the graveyard in search of liveliness. Nevertheless, imose who for antiquarian pr other reaspns spgnd much time in the deciphering^ old inscriptions fire 4xmsionally rewarded by fin4s of an unexpectedly Entertaining,sort.. Here is an epitaph recently dis- covered by a seeker for ancestral tombe in a village Churchyard, It assuredly ought to Jte pathetic, but-- Here lies the Body of MarjM»n Flower, i .{ Br^ef, Ahw was her earthly. Hour, J. Sweet Buda must Fade, and bankers eat Blossoma most Delicate apd Sweet; i Thus did this Flower in, May .Time Bloom Perish untimely to the Tomb J I Slain in the Spring Time of her Year i: By an, insect Entering at her Ear. tPnfortunate Mary Anne 1 Her death was cortainly peculiar, and therefore, according to old-fashioned Meas, impressive. It was long fashionable to record apon gravestones the manner of any death that was aDusual. He fell over a Precipice and Entered ye Heavenly Gate," says one old epitaph; ",mad. trie exit from a World of Sorrow on ye Horns of a j -Qmr," says another, "And found Peace beyond; while a third, in the Old Hill Burying-ground at Newburyport, U.S.A., records of an esteemed house- wife that she sweetly breathed her life away," after "twallowing a pea at her own table." At Lichdene, Bog land, there is a stone which chronicles doubly the <#fctastrophe by which the deceased perished- The clinging earth his earthly part did slay And freed his spirit and it flew away. So rays tfie memorial verse; while above, a less poeticverBmngivefl, with name and date, thegrim explanatory statement, "Being fallen therein!Head Downwards* Ije died of Sticking in ye Mudf j SncrACLBD COWS AND SHOD Gaaaa.—In Bohemia erinitfjgeese are to be driven long distances to market, they are stlod tor thejonmey. The method of shoe- ing is as' simple as it is effective. The geese are to walk repeatedly over patches of tar mixed flitfiNud. This forms a hard crust on their feet, whian a them to travel great distanaaBi: without feecopiing sore-footed. Even more useful than shoes fear geese tbe spectacles worn by the cows that Seed on the: gage" steppes. Forty thousand ■pectacled cattle, so says the Family Herald, are now to be found in that region, where the snow lies white Ber six months ih the year- The cattle pick upia Kring from the tufts of grass which crop atxrtethe ■now. The sun shines so dazzlingly upon the white Mwface that many of the formerly suffered Scorn snow-blindness. Then it occurred to eoijie humane person to manufacture amoke-colonred Spectacles for the cattle. He tried the experiment, "d Lit was soccessful. The animals are saved., much •nfferiog. (t r 'f, THE MA IT WHO KNOWR—His talk is of war and I the proper prosecution thereof. He reads the even- ing papers assiduously, and is a great starer into windows where there are maps with flags on them. In this way he as picked up a fund of information which he is liable to impart to you gratuitously whenever you meet him. He will tell you with the gravest and most critical of airs that he does not like the position; that he is not quite sure of Bulleat; that Kxuger, "when all is said and done, is a master of strategy"; and that the British Army will never be any good until we have a little sense and resort to conscription. If you explain that you know nothing about these things, he will remark cuttingly that he thought you were an English- man. If you express agreement with him, he skys haughtily, Agree with me, indeed! I should just think you did agree with me I" And if you con- trovert him, he tells you that the amount of ignorance obtaining among the intelligent lower classes is simply appalling." On the whole, he is something of a nuisance; but it is to be presumed that he pays taxes, and is a patriot of sorts in his heart. So that one should suffer him.—Ou-tlook. A TART PRESC.UPTION.— Homceopathists and others will enter into the spirit of a bit of professional advice lately given by a prominent American physician. His patient was a fashionable young woman, who entered his office with a jaunty step and consumed fifteen valuable minutes in chatting of social occurrences. Finally she embarked on the topic of her own ailments, and graphically described "the sinking feeling" which, she said, spoiled her life. The physician prepared a small bottle of minute pills and dexterously pressed his talkative patient towards the door, while he silenced her by repeating a volume of directions and advice. Just as she opened the door the lady turned. "0 doctor," she cried, "what shall I do if these pills don't stop that sinking feeling ?" Take the cork," suggested the doctor; and he called the next patient into; his private office. SOME REGIMENTAL PETS.—The regimental dog of the Fighting Fifth"—a dog who won great praise for his cool demeanour at Omdurman—has been given official leave to accompany the regiment to the relief of Kimberley. The dog would probably have one, in any case, for the love of Tommy Atkins for his log overleaps aH barriersiof .red tape., Once, in marching from an Indian station, the commanding officer ordered that only a certain number of dogs should be allowed to accompany the regiment. The selected dogs marched out, each with its company, but the haversacks were strangely bulky and strangely likely. At the end of theday's march every pet dog in the regiment mysteriously appeared in camp. Sooner than part with their four-legged friends, the men had carried them the 20 miles of the march stowed away in their haversacks. The order limiting the number of dogs was that evening withdrawn. The shifts and expedients that the men are put to in order to keep pets with them are sometimes extra- ordinary. Journeying once on a hired troopship, we put in at Malta, and a sergeant, having gone on land, reappeared with a little woolly dog. The quarter- master on duty would not allow the dog on the ship, for the official number of ùogs was on board. The sergeant scratched his head, thoughbdeeply, and then went on shore again. An hour later he came back with a strange creature in a cage. It had four feet, but was covered with hen's feathers. Can't pas3 that there dog on board," said the stern quarter- master. Dog ? said the sergeant, with an innocent look of surprise. This is no dog. It is a Maltese four-footed Bird of Paradise, and there are no rules against taking birds on board." The laugh was with the sergeant, and the pet was allowed on board ship. Many regimental pets have gone to the war. The Gordons have taken their parrot, the Welsh Regiment has taken its goat, and at Pietermaritzburg and Cape Town, where the pets will probably stay while the regiments go to the front, there will be strange col- lections of animals.—The Clubman, in the Sketch. NINE CIIRISTMASKS.—British children will probably pity little Mexicans when told that Santa Claus is unknown south of the Rio Grande River. Perhaps he might feel lost in a country with no snow—-save on the peaks of the volcanoes—and absolutely no chim- neys. Their pity may change to envy when I add that, throughout Mexico, Christmas is celebrated by a festival called Las Posadas, lasting from the 16th to the 2Dr.h of December, or La Noche Buena. Las Posadas [the Inns] is a festival in commemoration of the wanderings of Joseph and Mary, seeking shelter in Bethlehem, and, having been refused entrance at nine inns, taking refuge in the stable. The guests assemble at about half-past eight in the evening, and each holds a lighted candle. Two of the smaller children carry between them Los Peregrinos [the Pilgrims] a miniature stable, containing wax figures of Joseph, Mary, and the Christ-Child, with wooden cows in the mangers, and often a tiny Mexican btirro in the foreground. Two other children carry hoops hung with bells. The guests, led by the hostess, form a procession and foHow the children. Singing Ora pro Nobis" and verses descriptive of the birth of Christ, holding aloft the lighted candles, the long procession passes slowly through the parlours, out into the flower-decked patio, and round the balcony nine times over. During all this time no sound is heard except the singing and the whizzing of the rockets which are sent off from the roof. The ninth time the procession reaches the door of the main parlour it is found closed. Then there is responsive singing, those on the outside asking admittance, those on the inside refusing. At length the door is thrown open, with a burst of joyful music; the children ring the bells, andevery one shakes hands with his friends, and offers them his good wishes. Then the company troop down to the stone-paved courtyard to break the pinate, a huge grotesque figure in the form of a clown, an Indian, a goose, or anything fantastic. Securely fastened inside the pinate is a stout paper bag of nuts and sweetmeats. The figure is suspended by a rope from the balcony. Each one, in turn, is blindfolded, and with a long stick strikes at the pin- ate three times: It is a difficultfeat to hit the figure, as a man stands on the balcony above, and twitches it out of reach just as the blow is struck, to the de- light of those who have failed. At last somebody hits the pinate and bursts the bag; the dulces fall in a shower on the rush mat spread below.. In a twink- ling every child is flat on that mat, grabbing with both hands and pushing with both feet. In the par- lours little seed candies are passed in quaint little dishes, which are kept as souvenirs by those present. Cake and wine are served, ond then follow music and dancing. This programme ie repeated each evening till the ninth, La Noche Buena [Christmas], when the house is decorated with huge scarlet flowers and the patio hung with coloured lanterns. The pinate is a gorgeous affair this evening; all the guests wear full dress. A banquet is served at midnight, and dancing continues till early morning. I told a little six-year-old Mexican of Santa Claus, of stock- ings hung in the chimney-corner, and other delights of our Christmas. He listened with wide-eyed interest, but when I asked which Christmas he preferred, he answered, without an instant's hesitation: Ours, of course. You have only one, and we have nine."— Christian Globe Christinas Number, SOME STAGE EFFECTS.—Stage mechanics are now so advanced that horse-races and even rapidly-pass- ing railway trains can be vividly presented for quite satisfactory periods of time. The general principle upon which these illusions are based can be readily understood when one reflects how utterly impossible it is for horses to continue galloping across a station- ary stage that they can almost cover with one leap. The stage must move, and obviously it must move in a direction opposite to the direction the horses are heading in. In railway-scenes the illusion is produced by a long and thick screw of wood, placed under the ties and striped in the groove of the apiral. When this screw is put in action the ties appear to move, and thougk they 'are not moving at all, they appear to move at the rate at which the brightly-painted groove is disappearing. The effect is complete when the dummy of the train is pulled slowly across the stiage simultaneously with the rapid rotation of the screw, and the spectators receive the impression that the engine and coaches are going at a terrific rate. If the rate were as great'ais it appears to be, needless te add the moving figures would not be perceptible, the train itself would be smashed to pieces every night, and considerable damage done to stage scenery—to I øay nothing of the actors and scene-shifters, who would now and then be slaughtered. In racing-scenes the horses do run at full-speed; they run, however, not on the fixed stage but on what may be called treadmills, which keep the horses in front of the I house for longer or shorter periods according,as they are moved quickly or slowly. A picket-fence, placed between the audience and the course, not only makes the scene more realistic; it also hides the mechanism of the treadmills. This fence has contributed in another way to add te the effect by being moved in opposition to the direction of the horses, and so lending toJtheir appa- rent speed. As to the sounds made bv the footfalls of horses to be heard as though passing outside an interior scene, they are reproduced by the dried hoofs lof dead horses, or wooden imitations mounted on handles and hammered against surfaces of stone, gravel, sod, or whatever the occasion may demand. They are also more elaborately manufactured by re- volving a cylinder with pins protruding from the surface. These pins are arranged, like the spurs on a hand-organ roller, to imitata trotting, galloping, or walking when struck against other substances. If the sound of a carriage is to be added to the tramp- ling of horses, wheels are run on sand.—W, B. Robertson, in the Christina* Number of CasseU'sMaga- lline.

THE WOMAN'S WORLD.: | í THE human body (says the Sun) is constantly undergoing tissue changes. Water has the power of increasing these changes, which multiply the waste products, but at the same time they are removed by its agency, giving rise to increased appetite, which in turn provides fresh nutriment. If you do not accustom yourself to drink water regularly, you are liable to have the waste products form faster than they are removed. Any obstruc- tion to the free working of natural laws at once produces disease. Great weakness and languor on rising in the morning is generally due to a large secretion of these waste products, and the remedy is to drink a tumblerful of water—either hot or cold— just before retiring. This materially assists in the process during the night, and leaves the tissues fresh and strong, ready for the active work of the next day. A WOMAN can never err in taste if she matches her hair in street attire, her eyes in house wear, and her complexion in evening clothes. That is not to be taken quite literally—the hair may be light brown, which will harmonise with various shades of that colour. The eyes may be pale blue, but they do not necessitate pale blue dresses, although that shade would undoubtedly prove the most becoming. A pink complexion would not always call for that tint, but for harmonising shades the strict letter of the rule would be safer for those who are confessedly lacking in colour judgment. At all events, it would save us from many of the sights which daily meet our eyes. AN African King presented a Spanish King with a magnificent orange tree, whose creamy, waxy blos- soms and wonderful fragrance excited the admira- tion of the whole Court. Many begged in vain, for a branch of the plant, but a foreign Ambassador was tormented by the desire to introduce so great a curiosity to his native land. He used every possible means, fair or foul, to accomplish his purpose,, yet all his efforts came to naught, and he gave up in despair. The fair daughter of the Court gardener was loved by a young artisan, but lacked the dot which the family considered necessary in a btide. One day, chancing to break off a spray of orange blossoms, the gardener thought- lessly gave it to his daughter. Seeing the coveted Erize in the girl's hair, the wily ambassador offered er a sum sufficient for the desired dowry, provided she gave him the branch and said nothing about it. Her marriage was soon celebrated, and on her way to the altar, in grateful remembrance of the source of all her happiness, she secretly broke off another bit of the lucky tree to adorn her hair. Whether the poor Court gardener lost his head in consequence, the legend ooes not state, but many lands now know the wonderful tree, and ever since that wedding day orange blossoms have been considered a fitting adorn- ment for a bride. A SECRET of the laundry is: Cut half a cake or any good laundry soap into shavings and put them into a stewpan with a quart of hot water and two large spoonfuls of borax. When the soap is dissolvediand boiling rapidly, pour in slowly one gill of kerosene, and in three or four minutes the mixture will be ready to pour into the tub, with four large pailfuls of boil- ing water. Then the clothes must be soaped where the dirt is most observable and put into the tub to be pounded and pressed until they are clean, which will be in about 20 minutes. They are then wrung out and placed in clean hot water to remove the suds, and rinsed in the blue water and hung out to dry. No odour of kerosene can be detected in clothes treated in this manner, and there is a great saving in time and labour. FOR the past two or three years spangles of all colours and metallic embroideries have been in great demand, but it appears that the past is as nothing compared with what is to be expected during the coming winter. The latest importations show' not merely braid and narrow bands of metals and bead- ing with passementerie and detached motifs, not merely yoke*, boleros, and revers heavy with glitter- ing embroidery, but entire gown shapes which are a mass of spangles and jewels. These are in princess form, with or without sleeves, the foundation being plain net. They are to be used over silk under- dresses, of course, and their brilliancy is indescrib- able. Then there is material coming by the yard which is of gorgeous width, and is most elaborately embroidered. In fact, it is all embroidery, and so intricately constructed that it is difficult to tell whether net, mousseline de soie, or lace, all of which appear in it, is the actual groundwork upon which the metal and jewelled effects are founded. YOKES and sleeves of all kinds (" X. and Y. of the Globe writes) are to be had everywhere, in view of the increasing popularity of gowns for evening and day wear with these parts detachable. Floral evening dresses are a good deal worn, just now. We have seen one or two very pretty ones lately. Perhaps the most charming was one of white silk. Three deep flounces, rather full, reaching from waist to hem, of soft white lace, were put on with a space of two or three inches between the bottom of one flounce and the top of the next. In these spaces were fringes of violets, the deep purple Russian kind. They were put on fairly long stalkq, so that they dropped gracefully over the top of the flounces. A big market bunch of the flowers eaught the lace at the left side. The flounces were deeper at the back, forming a demi-train, the fringes of violets ending at the side. The bodice was cut low, and the shoulders rose out of a thick fringe of violets, with a big bunch on the left shoulder. The folded lace belt fastened with two or three violets at the left side, and an osprey of flowers appeared in the chestnut hair of the graceful wearer. Another pretty dress was in white net over white silk. On the net were embroidered wild pink convolvulus and leaves. The design wandered over the material in a charmingly aimless fashion. The petals, in relief, were of shaded pink ,silk, the leaves of green silk. The veins, stems, ten- drils, and hearts of the flowers were in tiny gold thread. The bodice was embroidered in the same way. A bunch of convolvulus flowers and the leaves formed the left sleeve, and embroidered net served for the right arm. A brunette of a striking handsome type wore, the other night, a daring dress, which suited her to perfection. Three or four white chiffon skirts .floated about her, and a dim rustle be- trayed the white silk foundation, like baby-waves breaking in a sea-mist. The second skirt of chiffon was embroidered in scarlet poppies, in silk. The upper skirt had golden wheat-ears, slightly larger than life, strewn about it, in glittering relief. Golden stems wandered about, but all the ears pointed down towards the hem, giving a slender appearance to the wearer. The bodice was embroidered similarly. The elbow-sleeves were made of masses of scarlet stfk poppies, with black hearts, sewn closely together. The frill of scarlet chiffon which finished the sleeves was headed with a band of black velvet. From the left shoulder started a thiek rope of poppies, caught in by the black velvet waistband, and continuing down the side of the skirt to the hem. The low-cut bodice was finished round the gleaming shoulders by a garland of grey-green poppy leaves, a spray of which stood high on the left shoulder. l?wo pieces of three-quarter inch velvet ribbon were worn round the neck, sewn together. The upper One was poppy-red, the lower blaok, and a gold brooch was fastened in front. In the dark hair clustered a poppy or two and a few golden ears of wheat, with a grey-green leaf at the base. FOB white, smooth hands, says an expert, da not bother about creams, washes, or lotions. Wash them in hot water, rinse with cold, and dry thoroughly, and your end will then be attained. PEOPLE go on for years suffering from indiges- tion, consulting first one doctor and then another, each one being unsuccessful for any length of time. The reaapn is simply fast eating, and there is not the slightest doubt that if such folk would only make a practice of eating slowly, difficult though it is to acquire the habit, the doctor's visits and medicine would be unnecessary and the indigestion would disappear by degrees. I ValLS (Spare Moments says) do more to mi* the complexion than any other thing. The skin needs the friction of the air. Constant covering interferes with the circulation and the healthy action of the pores. It beats the face, and keeps it covered with an oily moisture, which catches the dust and dirt. and gets into the pores. When the face is left ex- posed to the air, the dust is blown off, and the skin is kept dry and clean. It almost stimulates the circu- lation of the blood, and gives colour to the cheeks. IF your throat is relaxed, try the effect of gargling with alum water. This is quite safe and very simple. About a teaspoonfhl of powdered alum to a tumbler of water will be right; but you need not fear using too much alum, for the water will only take up a certain amount. If gargling with alum water does not cure the throat, probably it is sore too low down for the gargle to reach it, and in this case it should be painted with tannin and glycerine.. Take a qaaner of an ounce of tannic acid and one ounce of glycerine. Rub together and warm slightly tlH thoroughly mixed. Apply with a large camel's-hair brush to the back of the throat, and as far down as possible, several times a day. It is an unpleasant, though valuable, remedy, and should not be used very near meal-times, for it may produce nausea. 't :J\- .t'I<,) Q.' T" ,I .J .1;

HOME HINTS. CATENAE pepper blown into the cracks where anta congregate will drive them away. MILK often turns by JIonapid developed in the milk. To prevent it, add to the milk a small portion of bi- I carbonate of spda. HALF a teaspoonful of carbonate of soda, mixed in aill of sour milk, makes an excellent liquid with which to mix pastry, scones, cakes, &c. This quantity i. sufficient far a small tart or pie. To clean and restore the elasticity of cane-bottomed chairs, turn the chair, and with hot water and a sponge saturate the cane-work thoroughly. If the chair is dirty use soap. Afterwards set the chair to dry out of doors, and the seat will be taut as when new. THIS is how to [make cement for broken marble: Take gum arabic one pound, and make into a thick mucilage, add to it powdered plaster of Paris, one and a half pounds, sifted; quicklime, five ounces; mix well. Heat the marble, and apply the cement. Join the broken edges neatly. To clean enamel-lined saucepans, fill with cold water to which has been added ammonia in the pro- portion of one teaspoonful to a pint. Let boil for 20 minutes, and rinse in clean water. To clean enamelled baths apply benzine on a small rag; scour the bath with it first, then wash with hot water and soap. ORMOLU may be cleaned with spirits of wine or ammonia. Place it afterwards into box sawdust, in which it must be shaken. STAINED oak furniture can be thoroughly cleansed ind all spots removed by washing with a little hot beer. Afterwards polish carefully. A GRAIN of salt added to cream will make it whip more easily. TOPS of worn-out boots or shoes make excellent iron-holders. A SMALL piece of bacon dripping added to stews or thick soups is a great improvement, especially if the bacon be unsmoked. To dye straw hats yellow, procure some stain garnish sold for the purpose which is to be obtained any where, The expense is small, and the process simple. FOK polishing windows old newspapers are excel- lent, and they are also useful for rubbing greasy grates and stoves. This last should be done while jthe stove is hot, and if a little turpentine is rubbed oveir afterwards, all grease will be removed. OILCLOTH may be improved by rubbing it with a mixture of half an ounce of beeswax in a saucerful of turpentine. After being applied, it must be well rubbed with k dry clcth otherwise the floor will be quite slippery. INK stains may be removed from boards by using either strong vinegar or salts of lemon. You can give a delicious flavour to your ginger- bread by filling it with almonds split into halves, so as not to be heavy enough to sink to the bottom of the dpugh while cooking. WINTER garments should be of warm,light material. Heavy clothing impedes progress in walking and is a great tax on the strength. CLEAN !japanned [trays by rubbing them over with a little olive oil, and then polishing it off with a soft cloth. IF soot should fall on the carpet, cover it with salt before attempting to sweep it up. It will then be removed easily and cleanly. BROOMS.—If brooms are soaked in strong hot salt and water before using, the splints will not break in sweeping. SOUR MILK.—Do not throw away sour milk; it will make nice cakes or rock buns, and they will be lighter than those made with fresh milk. fc How TO BOIL FISH.—In boiling fish put about a half-teacupful of vinegar and a slice of lemon in the water. It will improve the fish and its flavour. CURE FOR CORNS.—-Two ounces of gum ammoniac, two ounces of yellow wax, and six drachms of verdi- gris. Melt, and place on the corn on a piece of soft rag. To GROW THIN.—Avoid all fattening foods, such such as bread, potatoes, sweets, and pastry. Only drink one and a half pints of fluid in the day, and walk three to six miles a day. POLISHING OILCLOTH.—Dissolve two pennyworth of glue in a pintand a half of boiling water. When cold apply with a cloth. No rubbing is. required to obtain a bright surface. A WARM BED.—A bed may be made warm and comfortable in the coldest room with one blanket by tacking two large sheets of newspaper together, and placing them between the blanket and coverlet. To TXLL BAD EGGS.—Put them in a pail of water; if good they will lie on their sides, if bad they will stand on the small end, unless they have been shaken considerably, when they may stand on either end. MILK PUDDINGS. When baking milk puddings place the dish containing the pudding in a baking tin of water. The pudding treated in this way will never boil over in the oven apd cause the very offensive smell of .burned milk.—London Journal. BUBBLE-AND-SQUEAK with poached eggs is a good substantial dish. First fry potatoes and cabbage in equal parts, with half the quantity of chopped carrot. Season all highly with pepper and salt. Arrange it on a hot dish, in a flat mound. Then fry some thin slices of cold boiled beef, arrange them on the vege- tables and on each lay a nicely-poached egg. Dust chopped parsley over every egg, and a dainty dish is prepared. APPLE roly-poly is a good way of using apples, when they are not too plentiful. Make a nice light suet crust, roll it out to quarter of an inch thickness and cover with thinly-sliced apple; sift sugar over and grate a little lemon rind, and add, if likeid, a sus- picion of ground cinnamon. Roll up the paste, moisten the ends, and pinch together securely. Boil in a cloth for two hours and serve with sweet sauce. CELERY CROQUETTES.—Cut well-cleaned stalks of celery into small pieces, cook in salted water until tender, then drain. Melt one-fourth cup of butter; cook it in half a cup of flour, one-fourth teaspoonful of salt, and a dash of pepper, then add gradually one cup of the water in which the ce)erywaø cooked or one cup of chicken stock, one well-beaten egg and one pint of the cooked celery. Stir continually. When cold, shape, dip in beaten egg and bread crumbs, and fry to a golden brown in deep fat. FRENCIl TOAST.—Cut neat slices of bread about a quarter of an inch thick and dip them in a batter of eggs and milk. Fry until golden brown in colour and serve very hot with catsup or maple syrup, according to taste. TOMATOE AND CAPER 8ALAD.—Dip sound tomatoes for a minute or two in boiling water, then peel care- fully, cut them into quarters, and chill. Arrange them prettily in a glass bowl or dish with tufts of watercress or curled celery between them, and pour over then a mayonnaise dressing. Sprinkle the top with three tablespoonfuls of chopped capers. FILLETS of bloater prepared from this recipe I find (says "Janet" of the Evening News make a very popular savoury. Skin and fillet two smoked bloaters, cut them into neat pieces, and place in a deep pie dish. Season all with pepper and lemon juice moistened with a little oil. Prepare a good frying batter. Take up the pieces of fish and dry carefully; flour thickly, dip each into the batter, and fry till a golden colour. Scatter Parmesan cheese over and serve. ¡ ITALIAN SOUP.—Make some good gravy or skim I soup, flavoured with plenty of vegetables and sea- sonings, including pepper and salt. Make a paste as follows: Take about three-quarters of a pint of flour, a little salt, and about a pennyworth of dried saffron. Have all thoroughly mixed, break an egg into the centre iof the flour, mix it with a paste, and divide into four parts. Boll each piece of paste out very thin and about the same size. Place one on top of the other, and cut into shreds from the end. These shreds may be very thick or thin, according to taste. When the stock has been boiling for dye minutes scatter the paste lightly into it, and cook for a few minutes JOngeh OBANGB SPONGE.—Put half an ounce of gelatine, dissolved in a little cold water, into a saucepan with half a pint of hot water and the thinly pared rind of two oranges. Let it cool a little, then put in the white of a raw egg and whiak It until it becomes a stiff froth. Place it in a wet mould or heap it up carelessly in a glass dish. BRlIT SAUD. Cut oold boiled beets into small cubes, and to a pint of them allow three tablespoon- fuls of oil. Mix well, then add three tablespoonfuls of vinegar in which one-fourth teaspoonful of salt has been dissolved. FISII FAGGOTS.—Take the remains of some cooked white fish, free it from bones and skin, weigh it, and* divide it into small pieces with two forks. Pass some boiled potatoes through sieve while they are still hot, add a piece of butter to them, and pepper and salt, and a small quantity of milk, and beat the potatoes with a wooden spoon until they are light and creamy. Weigh the potatoe, and take rather more than half the weight of the fish; mix the potato and fish together, season with celery salt, pepper, cayenne, and a little grated nutmeg, then stir in a small quantity of anchovy sauce and a little finely-chopped parsley, and moisten with sufficient beaten eggs to form a fairly stiff paste. Take a small portion of the mixture at a time, and gradually form the. whole into little cork-shaped rissoles on a floured board. Dip them into beaten egg, and then roll them in fine breadcrnmbe which have been seasoned with salt and pepper; leave them for ten minutes and dip into egg again, and then cover them thickly with finely broken vermicelli, and at the end of tea minutes fry the faggots in a bath of boiling fat.

WHY should a sparrow not be pleased if you called him a pheasant ? Because you would be making pOle, of him. .?

READINGS FOR THE YOUNG; (Fro?.n the Christian Gl-obe.") • A LITTLE SWISS POST-GLRL. We were coming down hill, and it was raining-^ down such a slippery path, in one of the loveliest valleys, rich with autumn colours, and coming up from below was a large cotton umbrella, nearly hiding a little girl of perhaps twelve or thirteen, for they grow old early in these valleys. As the first of our party met her, I heard them saying, It's th« post! "and I wondered, and thought how very easy it would be to rob the post—if that was it! Oh, how easy to trip that little girl over a rock and take her bag if a wicked man coming that way felt like it. By this time the child had reached me, with her blue-checked apron and dull-coloured home-spun frock, and the great umbrella. And across her shoulders, hung 011 a strap, was the post-bag, duly shut and locked by the authorities of the valley. I thought I would test the little postwoman, and said So you are the post ?" I shall not soon forget the look she gave me, as she raised a beaming face and bright eyes. Yes," she said, I am." There was almost authority in her tone, and, as I turned and watched the little figure up the winding path. I thought: The robbers of that post would have something to do, after all. for if that maiden could not And some way out of the difficulty, her looks belie her." Now, I do not know if she always carried the post —I only knew that we met her that day, and for a reason. The others were ahead, and I had my thoughts for company. And it seemed to me that every saved boy and girl are, in a way, postmen and postwomen like this. Your heart is like the post-bag, and when you let Jesus into your life, He gives yon a heavenly message, or letter, which every day you may carry to somebody who is sure to be waiting for it. He will tell you who, if you are willing to obey. Now, another thing I noticed about my little post- girl was this: She was not ashamed of being the post." She might have thought, I am only a little girl, quite small, and I'd better not say any- thing." But no. She held up her head, and her eyes flashed as she spoke out bravely—she was proud of her mission, and her brass-locked bag backed her words. She was an officer of the State for the time being. And you, are you proud to bear the message of the King of kings ? Are you glad to speak out, how- ever small you are, and to show your colours to all who come along your road ? If not, then learn a lesson from this little Swiss girl. And if you are not, shall I tell you a secret why you are not ? It is because something in your life would not back your words. Your post-bag isn't altogether what it should be. It is somehow not up to regula- tion somewhere, and you darent speak out in case that should be inquired into. Isn't it so? Well, you know. I am glad you do. I am glad you have enough conscience left not to pretend to be what you are not, not to pretend to carry messages for other people when you have not yet obeyed your own. But, I counsel you, get your post-bag in order quickly—get your heart right—that you may indeed carry the heavenly posts to people waiting and dying for the messages; for the time is short, and, who- ever you are, if your heart is right, you can be God's postman. JOHN KANE AND THE ROBBERS. Once there was a good man whose name was John Kane, who lived in Poland, where he taught and preached. It was his rule always to suffer wrong rather than to do wrong to others. One night as ho was riding through a dark wood, he all at once found himself at the mercy of a band of robbers. He got down from his horse, and said to the gang that he would give up to them all he had about him. He then gave them a purse filled with silver coins, a gold chain from his neck, a ring from his finger, and from his pocket a book of prayer, with silver clasp. "Have you given us all?"cried the robber chief, in a stern voice. "Have you no more money ?" The old man, in his confusion, said he had given them all the money he had and when he said this, they let him go. Glad to get off so well, he went quickly on, and was soon out of sight. But all at once the thought came to him that he had some gold pieces stitched into the hem of his robe. These he had quite forgotten when the robbers had asked him if he had any more money, "This is lucky," thought John Kane; for he saw that the money would bear him home to his friends, and that he would not have to beg his way, or suffer for want of food and shelter. But his conscience was a tender one, and he stopped to listen to its voide. It seemed to cry to him in earnest tones, Tell not a lie! Tell not a lie!" These words would not let him rest. Some men would say that such a promise, made to thieves, need not be kept; and few men would have been troubled after such an escape. But John did not stop to reason. He went back to the place where the robbers stood, and, walking up to them, said, meekly I have told you what is not true. I did not mean to do 80, but fear confused me; so pardon me." With these words, he held forth the pieces of gold; but, to his surprise, not one of the robbers would take them. A strange feeling was at work in their hearts. These men, bad M they were, could not laugh at the pious old ITIMI Thou shalt not steal," said a voice within them. All were deeply moved. Then, as if touched by a common .feeling, one of the robbers brought and gave back the old man's purse; another, his gold chain; another, his ring another, his book of prayer; and still another led up his horse and helped the old man to remount that he might pursue his lonely journey in peace. Then all the robbers, as if quite ashamed of having thought of harming so good a man, went up and asked his blessing, John Kane gave it with devout feeling, and then rode on his way, thanking God for so strange an escape, and wondering at the mix- ture of good and evil in the human heart. A TEETOTALER'S TOAST. One of the most vivid and interesting sketches from memory which Mr. G. A. Storey has recently made public is that of the famous illustator, George Cruikshank, and not less pleasing the anecdote which accompanies it. Mr. Storey happened to be lunching one day at the artist Leslie's when Cruikshank was one of the party. Leslie, knowing that his friend had bepome a staunch teetotaler, said, with a sly look: Mr. Cruickshank, may I have the pleasure of a glass of wine with you ? raising his own glass, and passing the decanter. No, my dear Leslie," said Cruikshank. I dont drink wine, you know, but I shall be very happy to have a potato with you." Whereupon he held dneup on the end of his fork, nodded to Leslie, bit a piece off, and wished him very good health, Leslie laughing and sipping the sherry at the same time. THE MAID AND THE HANDKERCHIEF. A touching and poetical custom prevails in th, West TyroL When a young maiden is about to be married, im- mediately before she steps across the threshold of her old home, on her way to the church, her mother solemnly gives her a new pocket handkerchief. The bride holds it in her hand throughout the marriage ceremony, using it to wipe away her tears, So soon as the marriage festivities are ended, the young wife lays the handkerchief aside in her linen eloset, and there it remains as long as she lives. Nothing would induce a Tyrolese wife to use this sacred handkerchief. It may be half a century or longer before it is taken from its place to fulfil the second and last part of its mission. When the wife dies, perhaps a grey-haired grandmother, the loving hands of the next-of-kin place the bridal handker- chief over the face of the dead, and it is buried with her in the grave.

THE Hamburg-American Line and North German Lloyds are each having their two new mail vessels fitted with ice-making and refrigerating machinery en the Linde system. In addition to the usual OQld chambers and ice-making plant, two of the state- rooms have been cooled. This is said to be the first J instance of state-rooms being cooled by means of refrigerating machinery, though in several cases such machinery is used for cooling dwelling-houses on land. SMALL particles of cinder and metal are constantly getting into the eyes of engine-drivers and stokers. Tbey have one invariable way of getting them out. I' No sooner has the driver of an engine got a nasty bit of grit in his eye than his companion, the stoker, I epens the eyelids quite wide and licks out the unseen fragment—which might produce tragic results some- j times—with his tongue. The public knows little of j this heroic remedy, but on every line in the world it I' is being applied every hour of the day. All surgeons i recognise that this is often, with all their beautiful instruments, the only way. And amongst the thousands of women connected with our fishing trade who have to clean herrings it is also practised as the only method of gettiug out of the human eye j the very minute herring-scales that lodge there and soon produce serious mischief if not removed. I .£

POST FREE. LOST HOOD. It you wish-for Manly Vigor, send for the best and most valuable work on ATROPHY and VARICOCELE, by M.D., Ch.M., with special chapters on thee-explanation of Vital Secrets, and the certain CURE OF Prostration, DEBILITY and- DECAY. Tins work is ♦he purest guide in ESSENTIAL MATTERS, and treatp in an exhaustive manner the fiuhje-t of the various diseases which emanate from abuses of all kinds, as well as those which an-ie hronh no fault of the sufFerer. A few of the ailments which the work treats of are E Spermatorrhoea. Youthful Imprudence, Lost Manhood, Prematare Decay, Desjfomlency, Loss of Energy, Weakness, Varicocele, Dimness of. Sight, Brain Fag, Nefvoos. ness, Hldtcnes on the Skin, Loss of Memory, Melancholy, Noises in the Ears, Liver Complaints, Bladder and Kidney Complaints, and every form of disease peculiar to the Urinary Organs. It should be read by everyone, and will he found of inestimable value. Its compilation is the result of many years' experience in the treatment of these diseases, and the author is sure that it will be found a complete treatise on these distressing ailments. Write for a copy to-cLay, and I will send one FREE OF CHARGE. A rem: Surgeon," 7 Bristol Gardez4 Brighten, Sussex, England. Name this paper.

1- FUN AND FANCY. NVii-ir is the thought like the sea? Because it's b notion (an ocean). WHY is a situation withoutwork like a good dinner eaten by an invalid ? Because it's a sign </ cure. f WHY is a whirlpool like a donkey? It's a Neddy >n eddy;. t WHY is a coachman an unprofitable member of a benelit society? Because he's nearly always on the ) box.. NViiy is an elephant's head different from every other head ? Because if you cut it off his body, you don't, take it from the trunk. t WHEN is it difficult to get one's watch out of one's i pocket, ? When it's (s)ticking there. f GIVE the three degrees of getting on in the world? Get. on, get honour, get honest. WHY is your thumb, when putting on a glove, like eternity? Because it's ever-last-in'. 0 f WHY are large rivers like trees? Because they have branches. I HEN is a man hospitable and at the same time a [ cheat ? When he takes you in. T WHAT is the difference between a tunnel and an ear trumpet ? One is hollowed out, the other is hollowed in. t VVJIAT is that which flies high, flies low, has no feet-, yet wears shoes ? Dust. > WHY do gipsies never become insane ? Because j they lead no-mad lives. WHAT tree stands number four anywhere? Ivy (IV). WHICH is the easiest of the three professions ? The church, because it is easier to preach than to practice. WNKS does the rain become too familiar to a lady? When it begins to pat her (patter) on the back. j WHEN does love become a pitched battle ? When it comes to an engagement. WHY is a bee-hive like a spectator ? Because it's I a bee holder (beholder). I WHY is an Irishman mending his clothes like a t rich man ? Because he is taking in his rents. i WHY is an orange likeja church steeple? Because we < have a peal from it. ¡ WHY is a parson who never lays a wager as bad as a regular gambler ? Because he is no better. WHY is it dangerous to keep a clock on the stair case ? Because it is apt to run down. WHAT is the most indigestible supper? To bolt the street door the last thing. WHAT is the best colour to keep a secret in ? In violet (inviolate). Wny does a short man always rise early? Because it is impossible for him to lie long. WHY is a pigeon in a parlour like a house on fire? The sooner it is put out the better. WHY is the letter G like matrimony ? Because it is the end of courting WHAT is that which never asks any questions and yet requires a great many answers? A door bell. WHAT tree is an officious gossip? The medlar. WHAT tree is a city? Cork IN what tree would you impound asses ? Aspen (ass pen). WHAT tree is one hundred pounds sterling? Plum. WHY is a jeweller like a screeching florid singer? Because he pierces the ears for the sake of orna- ment WHAT islands would form a cheerful luncheon party? Friendly Society, a Sandwich and Madeira. WIIRS are young ladies to be economical? When they resort to tight lacing to prevent waist-fulness. WHAT is the difference between a bankrupt and a feather-bed ? The one is hard up," and the other is soft down. WHY was Queen Mary like a deceased wood-cutter ? They both used the axe. WHY is a horse like the letter 0 ? Because "gee" (g) makes it go. WIIY is the freight of a ship like a locomotive ? Because it makes the car go (cargo). WHY has the beast that carries the Queen of Siam's palanquin nothing whatever to do with the subject ? Because it's her elephant (irrelevant). WHY should young ladies set good examples? Because young men are so apt to follow them. WHAT is the difference between a summer dress in winter and an extracted tooth ? One is too thin, the other tooth out. WHICH is the best land fcr children? Lapland. WHY does a piebald donkey never pay toll ? Be- cause it's master pays for it. WHEN should a publican visit an iron foundry ? When he wants a barmaid (bar made). WHY are ripe potatoes in the ground like thieves ? Because they want taking up. WHY do they come up again ? For sundry reasons. WIIKRE is happiness always to be found ? In the dictionary. WHAT is that which is often found where it is not ? Fault. WHY are clergyman like railway porters? Becauss they do a good bit of coupling. Wura is a man with a cold on his chest not a man ? When he's a little horse (hoarse). WHY does a widow feel her bereavement lea when she wears corsets ? Because she is so laced. WHAT is most like a hen stealing ? A cock robin. WHAT tree takes a gift ? The palui. WHAT tree is of great use to history ? The date. WHAT tree smokes when water is poured on it ? Lime tree. WHAT tree is a delicate article of dress ? Lace tree. WHAT tree withstands the fury of the ocean ? The beech tree. WHAT tree is eaten? Crab tree. WHAT'S that which nobody wants, and nobody likes to lose ? A lawsuit. WHICH is the left side of a plum pudding? That which is not eaten. W men is the best way to make a coat last ? To make the trousers and vest first. WHY is a love like a highland plaid ? It is full of checks and crosses. WHY is a bad horse like a bad play ? Because it will neither draw nor run. WHEN men are building a church, at what rate do they work ? At church rate. 0 tell us what kind of servants are beat for hotels ? The inn-experienced. WHAT did the tea-kettle say when tied to the little dog's tail ? After you WHAT musical instrument should always be dis- trusted ? Lyre. How can a tall man be made short? Try te borrow five pounds of him. FleET have they, but they walk not-stoves. ETKS have they, but they see not—potatoes. Ir a church be on fire, why has an organ the smallest' chance of escape ? Because an engine cannot play on it. WHY is a well-trained horse like a benevolent man? Because he stops at the sound of wo (woe). WHEN is it right to take anyone in ? When it rains. WHY is a figure nine like a peacock? Because it is nothing without its tail. WHY is a lazy young dog like an inclined plane? Because it's a slow pup (slope up). WHY is a thief in a garret like a honest man ? Because he's above doing a wrong action. WHAT sort of a young woman would yon like to swallow on a cold day ? A little milk made (milk- maid) hot. WHY are horses in cold weather like meddlesome gossips ? Because they are the bearers of idle tails. WHY is a specimen of handwriting like a dead pig. Because it is done with a pen. WHAT Egyptian official would a little boy mention, if he were to call his mother to the window to see something wonderful ? Mammy, look I (mame- l"wiir.s are the streets of a town mod; greasy? When the rain ii dripping. WHAT is the difference between » M/ «D her mirror ? One speaks without reflecting, the other reflects without speaking. WHAT is the difference between a special constable and an old hat ? One, sworn in; the other a worn OUWIIY is the Caspian Sea like & prison to a prisoner? Because it has no outlet. ) WHY are policemen seldom run over? Because they are never in the way. WHT is & lighted candle like an extinct fire ? It I burns no longer. f WHO gains the most at a coronation, king or people ? The king gains a crown, the people a sovr- j *eitrn. [

AMERICAN HUMOUR. JOSH BILLINGS wrote: True luv dares all thing* and fears nothing. Men in pewsr hav no real friends. }'I.r unites us all in one common bondage. NothiDt; but a mirakle will keep a prodigal man ritch to the end ov hiz life. Mankind wont profit bi experience. The world "vikesaz menny blunders now az it did before the flood. it, iz a grate art to play the fool well; good fools I\ri the skarsest things in market. Obstinacy looks well enuff in a mule or a gato-post, but it iz neither ornamental nor usephull in a man. If yu take the rumatism out ov old age, thare ain't mutch ov ennything else left to brag on. The most generous men we hav are often the hardest ones to kollekt a det ov. Wherever the husband makes munny and the wife s'ives it, thare happiness and thrift are pleased to take up their abode. Impudence, like brass, soon grows dull. Thoze who luv munny seldom luv ennything elft 0: mutch. Humour haz a thousand tungs and no harte. The tnng iz the only member ov the boddy that we hav complete control over, and still it iz the one that makes us the most trouble. I would rather liv in a wilderness than hav a bad man for a nabor. It iz a fakt, I beleave, that mankind will git sik or ennything else quicker than they will ov fighting. Thare iz nothing quite so tejus as the utan who tells yu the same old storys over agin every time be meets yu. The very poor hav no friends, nor even relashuns. The man who iz really devout doesn't have to hunt for a church to worship in. The misfortunes that we bring upon ourselfs all hav dubble teeth. Thare never waz a wize man yet who waz a wicked one. BILL, have you out the firewood ?" Yes, sir." "An' fed the mules?" "Yes, sir." "An* milked the cows ?" All milked, sir." An' ground the corn ?" Jeat through, sir." An' banked the taters ?" Last one, sir." Well, you're a good un. Now call the dogs an' you kin go an' tree a possum for supper "JINKS has the air of a man of considerable im- portance. What's his particular line ?" Ob, nothing much, except telling other people their busi- ness and giving us all pointers on how to run the govern ment." O'-RAFFERTY Twas a sad blow that befell Cassidy. Did ye not hear?" McGinniss:" Sorra th* word av ut." Sure, he's dead. Struck be lightin', he was." Oh my! 0 my! but I'm not sur- prised. Faith, he had a sicky look the lasht toime I saw him." SHE There is nothing I like in a play so much as love and patriotism. What is your taste, PredtV ?" He: "I have always thought well of the soubrette.* CUSTOMER Have 108 any reversible mega- phones?" Eakeman: "Revenible megaphones ? Customers w Yes; the kind that you can use to make sounds inaudible. I want to buy one for the baby." AN eminently practical, matter-of-fact New York husband is bidding good-by to a sentimental wife. She put both her arms about his neck. John! she sobbed, you are going away 1" This was so palpable that it would have been madness to attempt a denial; so he merely observed, Look out for my cellar, Maria." You will think of your wife whiia you are gone ? she whispered, huskily. He a trifle nervous under the pressure of her arms upon his oollar but he spoke reassuringly: MI will bear it in mind, my dear." Yon will think of me as mourning your absence, and anxiously await- ing your return ? she murmured. You can trust me to attend to it," he replied, with as much firmneM as if it had been a request for a barrel of mackerel. "And youll be very careful of yourself, for my lake 1" she suggested, in a broken voice. I will see it attended to, my dear. But it is almost time for the train," and he gravely sought to remove her arms from his neck. "John! John!" she convulsively cried, don't forget me I" Maria," he said, with a tinge of reproach in his tone, I have made a memo- randum to that effect." THE man on the yellow bicycle swerved hurriedly to one side to get out of the way of a buggy and ran into the curbstone, to the serious difigurement of his front wheel. You will pardon me," jeered the man in the buggy, stopping to look at the wreck, if I call that a mighty poor turnout." HE had his arm about her shoulders when the young brother dashed into the room, playing street car." Change to 'the belt line," whooped the inno- cent youngster as he dashed out again. SHi sailed into the Washington telegraph office and rapped on the counter. The clerk remembered that she had been there about ten minutes before, es he came forward to meet her. He wondered what she wanted this time. Oh," she said, let me have that telegram I wrote just now. I forgot something very important. I wanted to underscore the words perfectly lovely' in acknowledging the receipt of that bracelet. Will it cost anything extra ?" No, ma'am," said the clerk, as he handed her the message, The young lady drew two heavy lines beneath the words, and said: It's awfully good of you to let me do that. It will please Charley so much." Don't mention it," said the clerk. If you would like it, I will drop a few drops of violet extract on the tele- gram at the same rates." Oh, thank you, sir. Yon don't know how much I would appreciate it. rm going to send all my telegrams through this offioe, you are so obliging." Ana the smile she gave him would have done anyone good, with the possible ex- ception of Charley. YOUNG MAN (helplessly): "Doctor, is there any cure for the liquor v^bit ? Doctor (thoughtfully): Y—e—s, one." Young Man (eagerly): What is it?" Doctor (confidentially): "Many a woman bigger than yon are." COAL DEALEER "Well have to stop mixing slate and stones and old iron and things with our coaL" Yard Man: Phwat's th' mather, sor ?" Coal Dealer: The stuff wont burn, and one ton lattt customer all winter." MKS. SPEAKEEMIND (at a chrysanthemum show): Why is there such a furor over such a oommoa- place flower as the chrysanthemum ? Everybody Else: That's just what we came to find out." 1h. SLIMPVJBSE To—to tell the truth, I am a little afraid to-to ask your father for your hand." Miss Chargit; Oh, yon needn't worry. He says I am ruinously extravagant." HOUBKHOLDEK I am going to move to the suburbs next Monday, and I'd like you to do the 1'ob." Mover: "How many loads?" "I dont ;now. You moved me once, you may remember." Yes; I needed three waggons then to get through; but that was some yean ago. Have you moved since ?" Yes, indeed, half a dozen times." Hum; I guess one waggon will carry allyou have left.. OLD LADT There is one thing I notice particu- larly about that young man who calls to see yon. He seems to have an inborn, instinctive respect for woman. He treats every woman as though she wen a being from a higher sphere, to be approached only with the utmost delicacy and deference." Grand- daughter (sweet 18): 1 Yes, he's horridly bashful." MB. POMPOUS See that fellow ? That's the miser- able low-down sharper who cheated me in a horse trade." Mr. Hardhead II That fellow T Why, I know him. He's a perfect fool." SPARKLB your sister is wearing one of Miss Pinkie s ring. I wish you'd get it for me. I want to take the measure. Going to buy an engagement ring, you know." Barkle: Bb ? Has Miss Pinkie accepted yoaf Sparkle: "She will, when I pro- pose. Last night she esked me how I liked her mother." MRS. D. FASHION Where s the morning paper Mr. De F.: II Wbat 08 earth do you want with the morning paper f" M-. De Fashion "I want to see if the play we witnessed last night was good or bad." WAN SVTFCAEE SWINGIN doors wid Push' on th' outsoide th' insoide remoind me av politics," the janitor philosopher. Ye nadr 'Pusb'^nntw ye git insoide, an' thin iverything it 'pull.' BBADY fo an that might befall, the female deteo- tive prepared to venture forth on the track of the desperate criminal. At the threshold she paused and cast one more look bact. Is my ditguiss oa straight?" she asked.