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AMERICAN HUMOCTPu JOSII BSLLINGS wrote: The strongest pashun ofihff fPInsle halte iz to pleaze sumboddy and be admired in return for it. Thare iz one witness who always swares to the truth, and no one kan suborn or impeach it, and that iz. a man's conshience. The eazyest way to git thru this world iz to bustla t hru it. Don't expekt mutch in this world and then, if yu don't git mutch, you'll think it's all right. Thoze who read every book they can get hold of, swallowing them whole, kontrakt a literary dispepshea which is hard to ktire. Dandys are a quick studdy after you hare looked one over for a minnitt, yu bar got the size ov the whole ov them. He who works for the public haz a thousand masters, each one ov which insists upon being served in a different way. The more we kno, the less positive we bekum. It iz only the phools who never have ennv doubts. A man had better do anything that is honest, than be idle. Modest men may not allways be courageous, but courageous men are allways modest. Nothing to hope for iz the saddest condishun or life. What a woman dares to think she dares to do. I notiss one thing: The thorns on a bush allways outlast the fruit of the flowers. 50thing in life imparts such exquisite delite az the suckcess of our children. It iz time enuff for a man to laff at hiz own wit after others git thru. It iz necessary that majoritys should rule; bat t that is no posative evidence that they are right. "SILAS THTTTITT, you quit starin' thet critter outer countenance, an' pay attention to me," she said. Thet's what I've been doin' fer 'most three year, Mirandy," observed Mr. Trufitt mildly, bringing his f eyes back from the cow he was admiring. Now you've asked me 'to marry you 'bout a dozen times. Haven't you f" she continued. Fifteen—countan* this," corrected Silas. "An' I've allers stood you off, ain't I, Silas?" she asked. Well, yes, Mirandy, you have—exceptin' the times the old man kicked me out." assented Silas. Well, I was just goin' to say, Silas, thet seein' you was so anxious- she continued with a coquettish little hesitancy. Now, Mirandy, don't be hasty; don't be too hasty," inter- rupted Silas, uneasily. See here, you Siks Trufitt, do you want'to marry me, or don't you?" she de- inanded with natural asperity. Well, I denim, Mirandy; I dunno," replied Silas, chewing thought- fully on a straw. I've got a chanst to work fer a man up to Smithville, an' I was kinder calcutin'- You was, was you ? Well, what'd you ask me to marry you fer, then ?" she asked with some dired, ness. Why, I dunno, Mirandy, less it was kinder a habit I've fell inter," said Silas, slowly. Yon can just fall onter it, then," she snapped, banging the door after her as she fled into the house. Now, ain't thet jest like a woman," Silas ruminated. They can't never make no allowance fer a man, but think he's sure in earnest if he shows them the least little bit of attention." Mas. Himi; Pitcy. You heartless wretch my con- tempt for you is too deep for words." Hen peck: Thank goodness for that!" THIS is a nobby suit, sir," said the tailor. I put all the latest wrinkles in it." Yes," remarked the customer, surveying himself in the glass but don't you think it would have been better had you dis- tributed them. I don't care about having 'em all in the middle of my back." A CERTAIN doctor bad occasion, when only a begin- ner in the medical profession, to attend a trial as a witness. The opposing counsel, in cross-examining the young physician, made several sarcastic remarks, doubting the ability of so young a man to understand his business. Finally he asked: "Do you know the symptoms of concussion of the brain P" I do," replied the doctor. Well," continued the attorney, suppose my learned friend, Mr. Baging, and myself were to bang our heads together, should we get oon- cussion of the brain?" Your learned friend, Mr. Baging might," said the doctor. DID Dolly ever get due revenge on Molly for stealing her lover ?" Oh, yes." How did she manage it ? Cut the girl on the golf links, or black- ball her at the sewing circle?" Neither. Sheasked her to go driving and took her in the teeth of a sharp wind six miles. Then she took her back with her nose all red, to meet the fickle lover at tea; and since then he's been trying to win back Dolly." MISTRESS I am surprised. You say you were married six months ago, divorced three months ago, and remarried to your husband last night." Domestic: Yes'm. You see, at the first place he had they wanted a married man, so we got married; but the next place they wanted a single man, so we got divorced, and I came here. Now he's found a place where they want a man for gardening and wife to cook, so we got married again, and I'm going there with him." FIRST ENGLISH SPARROW: "The legislatures are offering rewards for our heads. Aren't you scared r Second English Sparrow: Ne, I shan't worry until they call ns game and pass laws to protect us." MRS. BLINKS The paper says a Western woman has a baby that has never cried in its life." Mr. Blinks By Jove I wonder how shell trade." MRS. CABBY and Mrs. Murphy met in a street car and were discussing family affairs. And how many children have you, Mrs. Murphy ?" Foive. Two livin', two dead, and wan in Philadelphy." WHAT is that blue streak in the air ?" Crimson- beak: Oh, that's the Colonel talking to the man in the gas office over the wireless telegraph." LADY: I think you are the worst looking tramp I ever saw." Tramp: Ma'am. it's only in the pre- sence of uncommon beauty I looks so bad. Lady: Bridget, give this poor man something to eat." TOMKWELL It's a wise man who knows when he is-well off." Page Yes ?" Tomewell: "Jackard told me that everybody was talking about my new book." Page: And what then ?" Tomewell: I was foolish enough to ask what they said." THAT curioeity, fully indulged, is liable to prove expensive is a lesson that has just been thoroughly learned by a oertain American medical gentleman. In the matter of spiritual manifestation ne has always been a stiff necked and unregenerate doubter. As a child he scoffed at ghost stories, and when he grew up the spectre world became a mark for his marry quips ana sarcastic jests. Despite this he numbers among his friends many of those who believe in the existence of shades, and they never neglect an oppor- tunity to hurl arguments at his bead which may tend to bring him over to the ranks of the elect. Finally, about two weeks ago, the doctor responded to the ex- tent of promising to do a little investigating on his own account. He bad never gone to a materialising seance, and was anxious to see what one was like, so he put a quiet little 'advertisement in a daily paper, stating that an unbeliever would like to engap a reputable medium for test manifestations. At eight o'olock on the evening in question a little party of eight personal friends sat with eiasped hands in the doctor's drawing-room and stared anxiously in the direction of the black cloth cabinet, which was faintly outlined in the gloom. A. Esle young man, accompanied by an obese female, ad answered the doubter, and gaarsateed to pro- duce a very fine line of departed spirits for a good round sum. For over three-quarters of an hour visitors from the other world kept dropping into the doctor's drawing-room, sailing round his rather nervous guests, and departing. Then there was a long and dreary wait, which was ended by the up- turning of the gas- The pale young man and the obese female had vanished as completely as the spectres they had been supplying. Their cabinet re- mained, and with it a small bag SUed with white crepe. 1° next minutes two purses, a watch, »na four soarf-pins were discovered to be missing. The evening s entertainment cost the doctor very heavily, and his disbelief in spirits is now something rabid. The police were not ILL bet a thousand," shouted the excited poll- tician, that the editor had no proofs of those damaging stories he published against the boea." ni go you," retorted the little man with a higlt forehead and two pairs of glasses." He bad the proofs and went through them word for word, and O..Jr.'ct the revise." "Who in thunder an you?" proof-reader." i t.