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-..--------------AM LRICAX…


AM LRICAX HUMOUR. A SOUTHERN family has an old-a very old—ser- rfiiu named Jeff, who is an inheritance from further back than anyone can remember. The other day he flkpd to get off, to see his aunt in Atalanta. "Why, J(:Ii,"S:Iidliis mistress, "your aunt must be pretty old. isn't she?" "Yes'm; pretty so; she's 'bout hunnerd an'live years ol', ah 'spect." A hundred and five years!" exclaimed the lady; "why, how on earth does she get along?" 'Deed, ah dunno, missus," replied Jeff; ".she's livin' up dar wif her ( I EAFFKRTY." said Mr. Dolan, "what's thirr* primary colors Oi hear me dau'ther Ann tellin' of since she tuck to shtudyin' art?" Wull," was the answer, "judgin' be all the primaries Oi wor iver i to, Oi should say they wor black an' blue." AN inebriate fell and struck his nose against the barber's pole. On being raised from the ground, he asked. "What's a thunder 'zat (hie (hie !) woman wi' striped stockin's on got (hie!) again me?" THE YOUNG P.AUTIIIIK;E: Aren't you afraid of the man behind the gun I The Elder Partridge Not when he is rigged up in one of those fancy hunting suits." "CAPT AiN MizzENTOPis an active officer." "Active? He was the first man on the lecture platform after the war closed." O'.BHIAN:" And so Javkers is proud av his descint, is her" MoTurk: Yes he is terribly stuck up about it." O Brien Well, begorra, Oi've a bit av a descint meself to boast about. Oi descinded four siories wasnt \N hin the ladder broke and niver sphilled a brick PARSON GOODMAN See here Don't you know where little boys go who play football on Sunday ?" Small Boy: "Yuzzir! dey goes to Yale when dey gets big 'enough Mits. UP.IOIIN" "Oh, Maudie! Maudie! How dreadful! See what you have done?" Maudie: "I've j spiiled a little coffee on my gown. That's all, isn't I it.?'" Mrs. Upjohn (wringing her hands): "Yes, but it's a tea gown." "So you've lost all your marbles, eh? Well, it I serveE you right. Boys always lose who play on Sundays." "|But how about the other feller who 1 won all my marbles ?" ] "WITAT strange questions children sometimes ask exclaimed the gentle-faced man. Sumph exclaimed the neighbour. "Your trouble hasn't fairly bpsun. Wait till they come home and ask you what 1 the weight of the whole fish is if x, y, z equal a lot of j things you've forgotten years ago." MARY ANN sat alone with her beau < For hours with the gas turned leau < When he said he must leave, She caught hold of his sleeve While she wept, and exclaimed, Eau neau I" I MANUFACTURER Have you succeeded in perfectly imitating Sharp and Company's goods?" Manager: All of them, sir." Manufacturer: "Very well. Get up a circular warning the public against vile I imitations, and put 'em on the market." DE SMARTE: Why do you persist in buying your clothes at installment houses ? De Sharpe: They always try to give me stuff that will last until the installments are paid." HOUSEKEEPER (excitedly): "lam in a terrible way about a servant-girl I can't get rid of. I have dis- charged her, but she won't go. She is a perfect giantess, and has a most horrible temper. What ¡ would you advice me to do ?" Great Lawyer (calmly): Keep the kerosene can full and the wood wet. Miss NOCIIICK So you have been married a year. Has your husband found out about your dyed hair, false teeth 01 glass eye yet ? Mrs. WedJate Mo, indeed; he's been too busy concealing the same defects in himself." Mit. 2UCEFELLO "I am told that Miss Bullion never wears the same dress twice." Miss De Pink (rival belle): "Yes, that is true, and I understand she has a different set of teeth for every day in the week." MISTAII EBONY How is youah good health dis mornin', Mistah Black?" Mistah Black: "I's all hunkydory 'cept my right a'm, Mistah Ebony. I's sufferin' from de golf elbow." Wot you been doin'?" Beatin'ca'pet." MRS. BLAVii The paper tells of a postmaster who was appointed by John Quincy Adams, and has held the position ever since. Was he an unusually good man, do you think ?" Mr. Blank (an experienced citizen): "Oh, not at all, not at all. It was an un- usually poor office." SHOE DEALER: "Shoes should not be worn right along, ma'am. They should be given a chance to get back their shape. Buy two pairs, ma'am, and wear one pair one day and the other the next." Fair Customer: "Will shoes last longer that way?" Dealer (with confidence): "Yes, indeed, ma'am; twice as long." NEIV OWNER (proudly showing horse): Rather high bred, don't you think, eh?" Horse Expert: Y-e-9, rather hybrid, that's a fact." BUNKERS: Why are all those theosophists rush- ing into that hall?" Winkers: "A lecturer from the Orient has promised to tell them what theosophy is." YOUNG DOCTOR: "I was just going around to see your brother. How is he this morning? Patron He is no better." Young Doctor: "What! No better ? That is certainly very strange! The pre- scription I gave him yesterday contained over forty different things." DAUGHTER: "Here is Bigg, Stocke & Co.'s great store. Let's go in." Mother:" No, no. No matter what we ask for, they will be sure to have it." SHE They held a mirror over her face to see if she was alive. I don't understand that." He Why, you see, if she was alive she'd open her eyes and look in it." "THIS scientist says that a future war may be decided by submarine fighting." That's good exclaimed Sagasta, with a gleam of hope in his eye. We have a lot of ships already on the ground." JACK: "Whv did you break your engagement with Marie?" Tom: "Her father offered to lend me money with which to get married." HE had come upon her dozing in a hammock, and when she woke up she accused him of stealing a kiss. Well," he said, I will admit that the temptation I was too strong to be resisted. I did steal one little kiss." One!" she exclaimed, indignantly I counted eight before I woke up." How can she marry a man with hardly a thing kiss." One!" she exclaimed, indignantly I counted eight before I woke up." How can she marry a man with hardly a thing to commend him but his money?" I suppose she has made up her mind to take him for what's he's worth. WHEN a Hastings (Nebraska) husband returned worth. WHEN a Hastings (Nebraska) husband returned home at night and knocked for admittance his wife opened the door just, a little and whispered Is that you, Will dear?" The husband's name is Tom, and he now doesn't care to wander from his own fireside at night, and the cunning little wife is telling her neighbour wives that her little ruse worked first rate. "YOUR mother seemed very much amused at the little story I told last night," he said, self-approv- ingly- Yes." she replied, ever since I can remem- ber, mother has laughed whenever she has heard that story." story." BROOKLYN LIFE" tells of a bride who was showing her wedding presents with great delight, but when her visitor paused before a fine etching of The Angelas "hor face fell. "How beautiful!" was the exclamation. Yes," the bride responded, but it is so Pad If it hadn't been given to Henry by his I favourite uncle I shou!d propose having it taken out and something else put into the frame. The frame j is lovely But it makes me blue every time I look at I the picture. There that poor young couple have just buried their little baby-their first-born, likely-h. I can't, bear to see it." 1 A MAN had his purse stolen, and, unfortunately, it contained a deal of money. One day, to his great surprise, he had a letter from the thief, enclosing a small portion of his property. The letter ran as t follows: "Sir, I stole your munny. Kemawse is j noring at my conshense, so I send sum of it back. When it nors agen, I will send sum maw. j FIVE-YEAR-OLD: Pretty useful, ain't I, mamma?" Yes, dear." Almost as useful as a man ?" Um, y-es." I don't mean Santa Claus or God, but any ordinary -an- TEACHER: "Why did the Normans and Saxons fight at Hastings? Pupil; "That's where they happened to meet, ma'am." DOCTOR, don t you think the illnesses of most women are caused by imagination ?" Well, the cut rates on patent medicines are responsible for a good many of them,"

-----.,----------FUN AND FANCY.