Barry Herald

LITERARY EXTRACTS. GREAT PREACHER.—Though, as one of the most ttotable representatives of the Baptist Churches, Dr. McLaren has travelled in distant lands, and particu- larly in Australia and New Zealand, he is out of the gulpit strangely self-conscicus. At a society func- Oll, or a reception, he tries, with Spartan-like BOurage, to be at ease, yet seems half-afraid of his fellow creatures. No one seeing him alight from the Somewhat dingy cab on Sunday morning at the side ate and hurry, with bent form into the chapel opposite Whitworth-park as if fearful of recognition, fPOuld imagine for a moment that he was a great man or a great preacher. No one fortunate in conversing With him in the pleasant morning room of his house ID Carill-drive in the southern suburb of the city, V^puld imagine, unless they hgd heard him preach, Kiiat he had the daring to face a vast congregation. is so retiring, so averse from publicity and noise, I that he even Iiies round a corner. But once in the I Jjulpit he in a different being. There does not seem (to be much of him as he mounts the pulpit steps with bowed, grey-haired head, and with his scraps of manu- script in his hand; but he has lost every atom of Self-consciousness. lie looks taller than he really is; for his figure, reminding one of Mr. Gladstone in Btillais's portrait, is is pure and erect, and his face, thoughtful, refined, earnest, is intense with the Wonderful story he is about to unfold. Either in Writing, or in sermon, he has said: Society has no Gan to dread more than the man with the mistaken Conscience." Certainly that is not his own failing' Ilia conscience is as firm as a rock. He If sure of the truth he teaches, and he itands, almost soldier-like, squarely to the people. On weekdays Dr. McLaren dons a light grey suit, that gives him rather the appearance of a well-to-do I tniller. On Sunday he is by no means a Count D'Orsay :in attire. Rather is he severely neat in IJroadcloth and tiny black tie. But he is a dignified find picturesque figure over-topping the great crowd to w horn he gives counsel and renroof. A minister I aUed in emergency to occupy the pulpit at Union C/hapel, said the building was so spacious that a look at it almost took his breath away. Dr. McLaren is a prey to no such embarrassment. The older he gets the more vigorous he appears to become, and as he gives out the hymn, his voice, clear and penetrating, aings through the great edifice. It is a positive Sleasure to listen to his reading of the Scriptures. lie art of reading aloud has been cultivated by few ministers. It is piteous to hear many gabble, slur, or erroneously emphasise the Word of God. Dr. XlcLaren, who has studied the Bible from his youth inp," and is one of its finent expositors, knows what be is reading. He is not afraid of opening his mouth. He knows how to read, because his heart, twain, and tongue are in his work, and every word he "Peaks is distinct and attracts attention. His voice Can scarcely be styled musical; it is at times even fiarsh and clanging but there is a quality about it fthat impresses everyone, and it is not. rare to over- tiear strangers, as they hustle out of the chapel throng, say, What a grand reader!" Yet his reading, treat as it is, cannot compare with the eloquence of llis sermon. In an age when oratory appears to be declining in the pulpit and in Parliament, Dr. McLaren stands out conspicuously as the greatest preacher in the north of England, and one of the greatest, in the land. John Pendleton in Sunday Chimes. THE DRIVER AND FmEMAN HAD TROUBLE.—That "the fear of man rests upon every beast" is true, but the saying must be qualified tvhen applied to the tierds of half-wild cattle that range the semi-arid (regions of the West. Such animals fear and respect a man when mounted on a horse, but seem to have Clothing but contempt for him when on foot. A Vailroad train, slowly making its way through a herd grazing along the track, was confronted by a large cull. He occupied the centre of the road, and with lowered head was bellowing defiance at the engine. IThe engineer, wishing not to injure the animal, stopped the traia and sent the fireman, armed with a shovel to drive him away. The fire- men ptarted boldly enough, brandishing his shovel, and. was almost within striking distance when, with a roar, the bull charged upon him. He sprang %side just in time to save himself, and when the bull turned and charged again he dropped his shovel and eougbt safety on the top of a large boulder near by. VJnable to get to the man, the bull set up a bellow- I fang, which soon brought some fifty other members oDf the herd galloping about him. Quickly encircling the rock, they began rattling their long horns against it, and trying to climb upon it, the man, shrinking, pale and trembling, to its very centre; then failing to reach the fireman, they set up a bawling and beliow- y I Sng that started the entire herd in that direction. fThe engineer, thinking to aid the fireman, snrana to the ground armed with a coal-pick, only to be chased back into the engine by a savage cow. Hoping to scare the animals, he pulled the whistle lever and Sent out such a screech as those silly cows had never iieard before; but they paid no attention to it. The engineer was casting about for some other means of ifrighteriing the beasts, when a cowboy came riding toward the train. Taking in the situation, he spurred llis horse into a gallop, and uncoiling his lariat, began •wingingjt, in graceful circles about his head. Soon the Cows spied him, and their attitude was changed as if iI>y magic with lowered heads and tails thrown aloft, they scurried away, the bull in the lead, to lose them- tBelves in the main body of the herd, while the fire- Znan lost no time in regaining his place in the engine. J* How HK BLEW.—In one of the great squares of St. ^Petersburg stands a magnificent column one hundred and fifty feet in height, erected to commemorate the jreign, of the Czar, Alexander I., the alJy. and after- wards the rival of Napoleon. On the occasion of a public celebration, the present Czar wished to have the great shaft illuminated, and round lamps of an .enormous size were ordered from a leading glass manufactory. After two or three experiments the "Workmen discovered to their consternation that it aeemed impossible to blow bulbs so large by the force of human breath. The blowers blow till they were IIltterJy exhausted, but the bulbs remained far below the required size. A handsome price was offered to ;\he first euccessful blower, and the men renewed their efforts, but to no purpose. At last a big fellow, Shaped like a barrel, stepped forward and quietly iffemarked that he was sure he could do the trick. KThe crowd laughed good humouredly, but the ,JOan merely said: I want to rinse my mouth it's idry." They gave him a cup of water. lie rinsed ilis mouth, taking plenty of time, and then applied itiiii lips to the tube. Slowly and steadily the ball of bollow gliiiss grew. Soon it reached the dimensions lef its nearest rival. Then it became bigger, bigger, I cantil it approached the required size. Then it 4attained it. Then it passed it. Stop, stop," cried the crowd. It's getting too big," and the foreman I added, How did you do it ?" Where's my {money?" said the man, by the way of reply. When lie felt the roubles in his palm, an expression of I (genial satisfaction overspread his rough features. Why, it's easy!" said he, and then he explained flow he had retained some of the water in his mouth, ftiow he gradually blown it into the molten ball, and fcow the expanding steam had instantly come to his assistance. JLVISEK DEAF.—The Emperor William of Germany -.rill, within a few weeks, submit to an operation for Ithecure or alleviation of the deafness which has been Afflicting him for more than a year. On account of the dangerous nature of the operation much secrecy Is being maintained concerning it. In fact, all Mbat ilt. positively known is that the Emperor, with characteristic stubbornness, has insisted, despite (protests, on undergoing the operation. He is now rg finder the preparatory care of his own physicians. is said that Dr. Woerz, of Berlin^ is to operate Spon the distinguished patient, but from a source Equally authoritative comes the statement that Dr. SJouvain, of Paris, is to be the man. It is declared, too, that the fact that a Frenchman is to operate is Ithe main reason for the secrecy which surrounds the fjnattei*. The Emperor, it seeraa, demands the best Specialist on diseases of the ear that can be found, &ut he is, nevertheless, unwilling to allow it to be inown that his choice has fallen upon one of this Hereditary enemies of Germany. If the operation tghould be a success—and there seems to be no reason Iflthy it should fail—it is hot unlikely that the 3Smperor wiH find himself also cured of some of his tendencies towards self-aggrandisement and general orraticisin. 'All the exquisite mechanism of the ear Miss within the skull, and is in such close apposition So the brain that it is almost impossible for disease iiOf the one to avoid influencing the other. The ijSmperojr is suffering from otitis media --the (Scientific, expression for the inflammation of the llniddle far. Every ordinary remedy has been tried In vain, f: Nothing remains to be done now but to trephine.the skull and explore the cavity in the hope 4)f discovering the exact cause of the trouble. In all •probability these facts would never havo become tb e fc Known but for the fact that the sixth International Amlogici4 Congress was held quite recently. The mcience of otology is the science of the human ear, and, dnring a particularly warm discussion concern- ing tho advisability of operation in cases of chronic suppurative inflammation of the middle ear, the Bus of the Emperor of Germany was mentioned. JThe surgeon who was advocating operative treatment mid that its value would soon be proved by the opera- tion which would be performed upon the Emperor of Germany. That was the first public announcement of the proposed operation. The Emperor of Germany, as many people know, suffers from partial (paralysis of the left side. His left arm is withered, and, as «an be observed in his photographs, he u always particularly careful that this physical defect tlhall not be in evidence. The inflammatory process tfrom which he now suffers is in the left ear, and the' surgeons fear hat it may be an extension of the paralysis, instead of a mere adventitious complaint. Sordid. BROTHER JOB. (Mr. Kipling has recently joined an Edinburgh Masonic Lodge. His style there is Brother Joseph Budyard Kipling.—" Daily Papers."] I chanced to be at Rottingdean upon a little trip I met a fellow Mason there and gave the man the grip; "What ho,' I said, "my Rudyard!" But his look was cold as snow: "My name, you ought to understand," he said, "is Brother Joe." 0 it's Rudyard this, and Kipling that, with poems, tales, and such, I And Rudyard Kipling is a name that can't be known too much. 0 it's Rudyard this, and Kipling that, with any writing dodge, But it's Brother Joseph Kipling when he joins a blooming Lodge. I went into a library to get a book to read, The man behind the counter asked: "What is it, sir, you need ?" I want," I said, "the latest thing that Joseph Kip- ling's done." Go ou," he said, "you're having me. Jo Kip? there isn't one!" Oit's Brother Joe, and Joseph, when insignia are out, And knives and forks are busy and the bottle goes about. It's "Brother Joe from India where'er the Masons throng, But it's Rudjtird Kipling only, when he writes a blooming song. -Academy. A TERRIER AIID A CAT.-We were walking one day, when we all, the Scotch terrier included, saw a cat a little way off. She was at a most uncatlike distance from any house, and a Scotch terrier saw his chanf-e. He stopped for a moment quite still, one rough foot held up. Then from his usual shuf- flng trot he changed to a wiry and corky tread. He 11 1 9 seemed to enjoy each step of the way, so exquisitely did he advance. The cat, as he neared, rose and looked at him, tail erect, and her back in the form of a croquet-hoop. The wiry tread grew faster and faster; the cat's back rose higher and higher; the wiry tread slowed down; a pause. Then a moment of extreme tension; eye to eye—and off they went down the road as hard as they could go. The cat shot madlv ahead, making crescent-shaped springs over the puddles, her tail in a loop behing her. Then she whisked sharp to the left, through a gateway into a builder's yard, and the terrier followed hard. But we often take things in hand, the issues of which prove wider than we know. The courtyard was full of cats. Each rose in de- fence and spat protest at such sudden entry, while they delicately stepped about. And the terrier, with an air of immense preoccupation, turned out of the yard and down the road, as if he had not changed his MARItIl-D PAnso.Ns.-Purely for my own satisfac- tion, and as a result of my experience (says Martin West, in the Church Gazette), I have tried to classify in order of merit the marital comforts of incum- bents and dignitaries. Deans come off best, then canoris-residentiary. Next follow vicars and rectors, while at the tail of the list are bishops. So far as my experience goes married bishops experience few of the joys of domesticity. At an episcopal palace people are always coming and going, just as if it were a hotel. The position of the wife of a beneficed clergyman is better than that of a bishop, but even this, to use an everyday phrase, is not all beer and skittles. If a clergyman's spouse desires an easy time, my advice to her is to take care that her husband is a curate. One lady of my acquaintance bore the promotion of her husband as long as she could, and then insisted on his throwing up his benefice and reverting to the ranks of the curacy. "Our life," she explained, was unbearable." I have known quite a. number of wivos who have written their husband's sermons. The grey mare — why grey" is a subject I commend to folk-lorists is some- times the better horse in intellect as well as managemou. The Church depended largely on pew rents, and the incumbent was a very feeble man. Those of us who attended the place sometimes won- dered how i;. was that a man who, to vary Goldsmith, preached lihfi an angel, should talk like "poor Poll." At length his wife died, and then the sermons descended to: tho level of his talk, except when he preached a sermon we liad heard before. Then was the truth manifest; his wife had written his sermons. Among the sad instances of parsons' wives I have known have I.ten those of the unhappy women whose husbands have gone wrong, or been, to put it mildly, doubtful. Th .-pains they have taken to cover this up, not only fruin the parish, but also from family -4nd friends, iii,:st have been almost equivalent to a martyrdom. One lady I knew had a husband who bad become visually an Agnostic, while she retained her faith. She hoped and believed that larger know- ledge would reconvince her husband, and therefore she was naturally reluctant that he should resign his orders. Doubt is common (at times) to us all, and I well remember escorting her home once after she had been to call, when she explained the position. I ook the same view, and eventually her husband con- quered Giant Despair, for his name is still in Crock- ford." But she must have passed through an awful time. AGRICULTURAL SETTLEMENTS FOR WOMEN.—Many attempts have been made, with some success, to draw into the country, for employment upon farms, some of the labour which goes to waste in cities. These Enterprises have dealt usually with men; but may not agricultural settlements for women be a solution for the perplexities of some of the women who have to earn their living, but find the usual employments of women overcrowded ? In England an associa- tion has been formed to promote such a move- ment. It publishes a newspaper, has estab- lished courses of instruction, and is doing what it can to induce women who cannot get, work in cities to "go back to the land" for support. At Reading College two houses have beAn fitted up, which are occupied by women students, who attend classes in horticulture, chemistry, botany, entomology, and dairy work. This instruction aims to lit women for three different kinds of work. I The first is t he direction of the home, garden or farm. The eecond is the work of general gardeners, or growers of grapes, mushrooms, tomatoes, and cucum- bers, the care of dairies and the raising of poultry. The third is the establishing of agricultural settle- ments, where groups of women tn adjoining cot- tages, with land attached, can apply their knowledge to market-gardening. This experiment is very inte- resting. There is nothingunsuitable in it. In fact, market-gardening, bee-keeping, poultry-raising, and the growing of flowers and small fruits, seem to be industries for which women are naturally adapted. Rightly directed, they are among the most profitable connected with the cultivation of the soil. Surely, if women should enter them, far healthier and happier lives would result than follow the struggles for self- support in; our cities. WHERE THE LION IS WORSHIPPED.—One of the strongest features in the November number of the Windsor Magazine is a well-illustrated account of Menelik and his people. As to sport in Abyssinia, the writer says The country abounds in lions both in the desert and on the mountains; but the people dislike to have Europeans to hunt them, partly because a lion, when its mate is killed becomes fierce and thirsts for human blood, partly because the Abyssinians have a superstitious reverence for the lion that amounts almost to worship. When a native makes his way through a region where lions are known to be, he goes forward talking to the invisible animals, assuring them of his profound respect, of his desire to serve them, of his admira- tion for their courage, for their beauty, and so forth, and humbly begging for safe conduct on his journey. A story is told of a post-carrier who was trotting along across the de-ert beside his laden camel, when suddenly an immense lion appeared before him. The man prostrated himself in fear, and then, rising timidly again, explained to the lion that he meant no harm, but was only a poor servant carrying letters down to the coast. See, your honour,' he went on, open- ing one of the mail-bags, 'there is nothing here that you want; I have no meat at all, nothing but papers,'and the lion, so it is said, having heard the man's story, lifted his nose with an approv- ing sniff and walked off. There are many Abyssinians. however, who have not this awe of the lion, but will go against him willingly, attacking him often with only the spear and often even so coming off vic- torious. They delight also in elephant hunting, and go into the forest in bands, pursuing the great beasts fearlessly with their spears and ordinary rifles. And although they slay many elephants in these hunts, it must be said that the elephants also slay many of them, and of ten who go in after ivory perhaps only five come out.

MAJOR GORDON CARTER, who :as been appointed to the command of the 1st Life Guards' contribution to the Household Cavalry composite regiment which lately proceeded to South Africa, is one of the most remarkable rankers in the British service. Born and educated in a class which does not usually supply recruits, he enlisted in the Life Guards in 1873 because he could not afford a commission. After serving no less than eight years in the ranks, he was appointed riding master, and a year later ) adjutant. He got his majority four years ago. Major Carter is not only exceptionally popular with hIs brother ofllcers, but is considered one of the greatest experts in the British Army on cavalry horses. j

THE "WOMAN'S WORLD. NINE times out of ten (remarks a writer in ths Evening JSews) the woman who nags is tired. Ona time out of ten she is hateful. Times out of mind her husband is to blame. The cases that come under the physician's eye are those of the women who are tired and who have been tired so long that they are suffering from some form of nervous disease. They may think they are only tired, but in fact they are ill, and it is that sort of illness in which the will is weaksned and the patients give way to annoyances that they would ignore if in a healthy condition. In such cases the woman often suffers more from her nagging than the husband or the children with whom she finds fault. She knows she does it. She does not intend to do it. She suffers in her own self- respect when she does it, and in the depths of her soul longs for something to stop it. The condition is usually brought on by broken sleep, improper food, want of some other exercise than housekeeping, and of enough out-of-door air and practical objective thinking. It is often the most unselfish and most affectionate of women who fall into this state. They are too much devoted to their families to give them- selves a bicycle, for instance, or enough of any healthy exercise and diversion, enough of afternoon aps, perhaps, or theatres and concerts. In such cases the husband is often to blame, because he gives nag for nag instead of looking straight for the fundamental cause of the trouble. There are many cases where such a woman begins by showing a longing For a little more attention, a little more tenderness, an invitation to the theatre or cosy little dinner out with her husband! The man who does not take that as a sign is foolish. He is not only foolish, but he is responsible for pretty much all that follows, and sometimes it amounts to some- thing very like criminal responsibility. THE girl whose inclination has led her to throw in her lot in favour of domestic service has a real griev- ance in this important question. Mistresses are now objecting to take servants who confess to a liking for dancing. How ridiculous! Dancing is, according to the statement, of an eminent health specialist, one of the most healthy forms of exercise that a girl can indulge in. It is good for the lungs, and it supplies that little healthy excitement that one in domestic service so needs. Further, it IMids grace to the figure -fL girl who doesn't dance rarely has a good figure. The natural inclination of girls to dance is a sign of womanly temperament; there is no exercise which is so beneficial, and there is no substitute to equal it. The mistress's plea that it makes a girl frivolous is tbsurd it is one of the brightening influences in a servant's life. A WELL-MADE covert coat is an invaluable posses- sion just now. TUSCAN straw hats, having the brim lined with straw of a contrasting hue, are new. PLAIN hem-stitched handkerchiefs, edged with lace, and having the initials or coronet embroidered in the corner, are most used. DON'T combine three or four inharmonious shades, in the effort to secure a French eft, ct. Many sins against good tuste are committed in this way. DON'T fail to shake the dust out of your skirts after wearing them, and don't forget to air your bod-ces. It is not only more cleanly, but it is wear- saving. BROKEN food ought never (observes the Sun) to be thrown away while hunger and misery are among us. It ought to be neatly done up and given away where it will do some good. Do as one woman has done for years—keep a stock of clean paper bags on hand and fill them with the food you do not want. You will find plenty of men, women, and children to taka them away and eat every scrap in them. Do you know what a bit of cooked meat means to a person who lives for days upon dry bread ? No, you cannot, because you probably eat meat three times a day and think nothing about it. You have no conception of the feeling which sends a hungry man to a waste bucket. Many, if not all, of the hotels have a regular kitchen-door following, people who carry away basket loads of broken food, perfectly good, and for which they pay a very small sum of money; Many of the board- ing-houses follow the same custom, only giving away the food instead of selling it. There is very little we throw away that would not be of use to somebody. Half-worn clothing can be cut over for children, and old-fashioned garments can be made to do service where fashion is of no account. Even the news- paper, read and carelessly thrown aside, would give pleasure to somebody who could not afford to buy it. MOST women are more or less erratic as far as their correspondence is concerned therefore they should endeavour to remember: That business letters must be concise and clear, because business people are sup- posed to be busy. That no letter is complete without the date. That letters containing directions to ser- vants and tradesmen are written in the third person. That a letter beginning "Sir" or "Madam ends Yours truly." Dear Sir and Dear Madam end Yotii-9 very truly." That letters of introduc- tion are left open when written. That elaborately- ornamented notepaper, as well as a highly-per fumed note, is vulgar. So fnr as a profession for women is concerned, w" come back at last to the fact, strange as most wc:r;e^ regard it. that women's success has been greatest along eternally feminine lines. No girl can be taught a better trade than housekeeping or sewing. Every year the price of plain sewing is higher, and dress- making climbs up into the clouds. The world is hungry three times a day, 365 days a year, and has to be fed. The whole human race is still on a hunt for a good cook, and a good place to board. "LOVE levels all is a true saying. One of our youngest and prettiest duchesses, 0 in speaking recently of her happy courting days, declares that none but the most commonplace remarks used by lovers wculd come to her lips when her gallant lover was by. "It is the same the world over in love," she saviO. A duchess and her maidservant use much the same expressions when under the influence of Master Cupid. I was happiest when the man of my choice spoke those three little words, I love you and I was just as impatient that he should say them over and over again. I'm sure I devoured quite as eagerly as my maid would all scraps of in- formation on True Love and its superstitions." JOHN RUSKIN, in answer to the question When does the education of a child begin ?" replied, At six months old it can answer smile with smile, and impatience with impatience. It can observe, enjoy, and suffer acutely, and in a measure, intelligently. Do you suppose it makes no difference to it that the order of the house is perfect and quiet, the faces of its father and mother full of peace, their soft voices familiar to its ear, and even those of strangers loving or that it is tossed from arm to arm, among hard or reckless or vain-minded persons, in the J gloom of a vicious kouse or the confusion of a gay one ?" WHITE of an egg, though excellent for cleansing the hair, tends to darken it also. Those who have blonde, light brown, auburn, or chestnut hair will do best to wash their heads with borax and warm water —an even teaspoonful of the former to a teacup of the latter. This simple wash should not be used oftener than once a month. Borax should on no account be used by those whose hair is grey or white, as it will tinge the hair yellow. A little indigo put into the rinsing water for grey hair imparts to it the most clean and beautiful appearance, and in no I way injures the hair. IN the first place, in order to talk agreeably it is requisite to have something to talk about. You can- not draw water from a well where no water is, there- fore you must cultivate your mind through reading and observation. Accustom yourself to talk about what you see and read. It is a great mistake to talk little to the members of your own family; many a one has grown taciturn from considering it not worth while to exert oneself to entertain the home people. ,j Keep yourself in touch with the questions of the Keep yourself in touch with the questions of the day to do this give a few moments to the newspaper every morning. Avoid as far as possible all unpleasant subjects, and endeavour to discover what is most inte- resting to your companions. With some persons this faculty amounts to intuition, with others it is laboriously acquired, but it invariably grows by exercise. Talk of things, and not of people gossip is not conversation. Never talk much of yourself nor your own affairs; it is in bad form, and gene- rally it bores your hearer. Avoid also unkind and censorious observations about other people, and never, if you can help it, make personal remarks, un- less they are in the nature of a delicate aud sincere compliment.

FLAX IN ENGLAND. The effort recently made to induce farmers to grow flax in England does not appear to have been attended with any success. A return just prepared shows that the total flax average has failed from 895 acres in 1898 to 465 acres this year. Lincolnshire has dropped from 109 to 20 acres, Norfolk from 10 j to Sve acres, while the East Riding, the largest flax- growing county, has reduced its area from 258 acres in 1898 to 106 acres now.

HOME HINTS. THE best way to keep lemons fresh is to pack them in moist sand. FOR nervous headache keep bathing the back of the neck in hot water. THE treatment recommended in ordinary heat exhaustion is cold water dashed on the head and chest. IF rubbed with fresh lemon or orange-peel knivei and forks will be thoroughly freed from the taste of fish. A LITTLE cream rubbed iato black kid gloves will prevent the dye frcm coming out. It also gives them a nice gloss. SCRUBBING brushes, hair brutihes, and, indeed, all household brushes, should be rested on the bristlei to dry; otherwise the water will destroy the brush. PAINT-STAINS in cloth, when freshly made, can be easily removed with turpentinfl, but if they are 01 long standing they should be softened by having butter rubbed on them, and then be rubbed with ben- zipe. IF a fire requires blowing to give it a good start, it will be found that blowing down into the flames makes it burn up more brightly and quickly than if blown from underneath. HOUSE-CLEANING should commence at the top of the house and work downwards. In this "ase it can be done at intervals, with a rest between. A great many people not content with a Spring clean, have an Autumn clean, when they return from the coast, and yet another comprehensive clean-up before Christmas. A very clear whitening for walls can be made by slacking the best lime in hot Hater, covering up to keep in the steam, and straining the milk of the lime through a fine sieve. To a pailful of this add half a pound of common alum, two pounds of sugar, three pints of rice flour made into a thin well- boiled paste. Finally add one pound of white glue, dissolved slowly over the fire. This mixture should be applied with a good, broad whitening brush when it is warm. To CURE HEADACHES.—An ordinary headache may generally be cured by applying water as hot as can be borne to the feet and back of the neck. DIRTY DRESS SHIELDS.—Don't throw them away. Scrub them with warm soapy water till all dirt is re- moved; rinse and dry in the air or in a sunny window. To MAKE VEILS LAST LONGER.—I wonder if you always pull your veils straight after wearing ? They should bd carefully pulled into shape and rolled. A piece of an old broom-handle makes an excellent roller. To WASH CORsrTS.-If carefully done the shape will not be injured at all. First remove the steels, as these would make rust marks. Lay on a table, scrub with a clean nail-brush and hot soapy water till all dirtis removed, rinse, dry as quickly as possible, iron, and replace the steels. FKIED JERUSALEM ARTICHOKES.—Choose large ones, peel and slice rather thinly, one at a time, letting them fall at once into salted water, or they will turn black. Put some nice clean frying fat into a frying- pan, when a faint blue smoke is rising from it, drain and dry the artichokes in a clean cloth, and fry them as you would potatoes. Drain on kitchen paper and serve. BUISTOLETTES.—Mince cuttings of raw veal with one-third its quantity of minced fat ham or bacon. Soak double the quantity of bread crumbs in cold stpck or gravy, press it out and mix it with the mleat. Season with salt, pepper, chopped parsley, and a slice of pounded onion and add to it a beaten egjg. Roll into small ovals and bake in a slow oven forty minutes. Remove and cool enough to handle, dip in egg, then in crumbs, fry a golden brown, and serve with a brotvn, sauce sharpened with lemon. BRETON BOILED MACKEREL.—Clean the fish and allow once ounce of salt and two tablespoonfuls of vinegar to a quart of cold water in the fish kettle. Lay the fish in it, bring it slowly to a boil, skim and simmer until the fish will leave the bone. Drain and put on a hot dish. Have ready a little melted butter, add to it the juice of half a lemon and a tablespoonful of chopped parsley, mix thoroughly, and pour slowly over the fish just before serving. MARGUERITES.—Beat two eggs slightly, add one cup of brown sugar, half a cup of flour, one-third tea- spoonful of salt and one-fourth teaspoonful of baking powder. Mix well and add a cup of nuts cut fine. Bake in small, fancy tins, decorating each cake with half a nut. BEAUTY HiNTs FOR Busy GIKLS. — An occasional starve is often more beneficial than any amount of phvsic. Bread a day old is the main item of susten- ance eaten new it will cause violent indigestion, even dyspepsia. Drinking-water should be boiled, to kill any germs or impurities that are in it. Culti- vate the habit of breathing through the nose. Breath- ing through the mouth is bad, both for the lungs and respiratory organs. Sugar, jams, sweets, and pastry are bad for the skin. Never loll about. To stand erect causes every muscle of the body to exert its proper function, whereas lolling rests some muscles and over-exert others. Avoid draughts, but at the same time don't confuse fresh air with draught. Don't neglect a cold, however slight, for unless prompt measures be taken there is no saying in what disease it may not culminate. Tea-drinking in ex- cess is ruin to the nervous system once a day, or at most twice, is all it should ever be drank. Alcohol in any form should never be taken as a tonic; at best it is only a temporary stimulant. But the habit of depending on its use is a bad one, and likely to grow. A hearty breakfast is the best foundation for a day's work a poor appetite for the early meal denotes ill-health. Both sleeping and living rooms should be kept scrupulously clean. Breathing in a dusty room clogs the lungs and renders a person liable to contract disease. CAN TIllS BE TRUE ?-I hear that the art of mak- ing-up is practised in the stable, and that the silver- lined mane, forelock and tail, which so beautifully contrast with the coats of some dark-coloured horses, are produced by the use of peroxide of hydrogen. It is stated that a fashionable job-master uses gallons of peroxide of hydrogen every week in his stables. How TO BEHAVE.—It is no longer correct to eat asparagus with the fingers. The tips should be cut off and conveyed to the mouth with a fork. Always acknowledge inferiors when meeting in the street to pass them by without notice is a sign of false pride, not good breeding. Never stop to speak to anyone in the middle of a crossing; return to the pathway, and draw as far as possible to the wall or railings, that you may not obstruct the progress of other passers-by. WET-WEATHEB WISDOM.—Here is a little wet weather wisdom. Do you know that umbrellas will will'last longer if, when wet, they are placed handle downwards to dry, as the moisture falls from the edges of the frame, and the fabric dries uniformly? With the handle up the top of the umbrella holds the moisture, owing to the lining underneath the ring, and therefore takes a longer time to dry, thus injuring the silk or other fabric with which it is covered. This is the chief cause of this part of the umbrella wearing out sooner than any other part. When not in use leave the umbrella loose instead 1 of bound in a case; and when wet never leave it open to dry, as the tense condition thus produced makes the silk stiff, and liable to crack. A BUNDLE OF W llY's.- Why leave a black patch on your ceiling just where the lamp usually stands ? Wash it off with a little weak lukewarm soda-water. Why throw away lemons from which the juice has been squeezed, when, if dipped in dry whiting, they are excellent for cleaning brass t,rays, candlesticks, &c.? Why throw away the ravellings you cut from new tablecloths before hemming them ? They are just what you want to mend that thin place or hole in the older ones. Why wear thin stockings when trying on new shoes, when you will afterwards need to wear thicker ones, for which you have probably not allowed sufficient space? Why use rough flat- irons that soil starched things, when by rubbing them on a board on which a little salt has been sprinkled you can make them smooth as glass? Why have dull silver on your table, when by washing it in hot suds, and drying at once in a clean cloth, without allowing it to drain, it can be made to shine like new ? FOR THE THIN.-If you are thin, eat nutritious foods, often, slowly, and in small quantities. THE FASHIONS.-Sayg a well-known costumier: "For one fashion that dies by being worn out, a score are killed simply by being cheaply copied." SWIMMING.—For the attaining of a graceful figure it is recommended that girls should be taught swim- ming not later than in their early teens, and should also be encouraged to play lawn tennis.

THE RIVERS OF NEW SOUTH WALES. From a commercial point of view, the rivers on the northern coast of New South Wales are by far the most important in the colony. The Hunter, over 200 miles in length, has a basin twice as large as that of the Thames, and through its lower course drains the largest and most important coalfield of Australia, whose emporium is Newcastle, the second city of the colony in shipping and commerce. It in -navigable for about 34 miles from its mouth. Other lead- ing northern rivers are the Manning, Hastings, I Macleay, Clarence, Richmond, and Tweed, each of which is fed by numerous subsidiary streams, and passes through rich agricultural country, that of the Clarence being amongst the most fertile in Australia. It is a noble river, the largest on the New South Wales coast, and is about 240 miles in length, and navigable for nearly 70 miles. Ocean-going steamers j of large tonnage ascend the river as far as Grafton, 42 mike from the sea.

ART AND LITERATURE. A NEW feature of the Artists' Guild Exhibition this year at the Albert Hall at Kensington is a loan collection under the direction of Lady Agneta Mon- tagu. To this section the Queen has lent a number of valuable articles of great historic interest, includ- ing a quaint old workbox, given by King Charles 1. to the ladies of Little Gidding;" the handkerchief used by that unfortunate monarch at his execution; portraits in silver; some very artistic miniatures and two ancient silhouettes a valuable Book of Common Prayer printed in London in 1638, bearing on the embroidered cover the badges and initials of Charles Prince of Wales, afterwards King Charles II. A SYMPOSIUM ON FlUENDSIIIP" is a collection of observations made by a large number of anthors, ancient and modern, and selected and arranged by Miss Mary Donald, who has grouped her materials into six sections-on friendship in general, on choosing friends, on the pleasures and uses of friendship, and on true and false friends, closing with counsels on friendship and some illustrations of it. The little book, which belongs to the pub- lisher's pretty Pensees series, is full of suggestive matter, and will well repay dipping into at odd times. It has for preface a few lines by Mr. S. R. Crockfett, who says that for him the essence of the whole lies in the axiom, Chide a friend in private, and praise him in public." If this be log-rolling," he adds, weH, I for one mean to keep on rolling." STUDENTS who use the print room of the British Museum and make copies or sketches from prints or drawings in the national collection, are now not allowed to take away their copies without having them first stamped as such by means of a die pro- vided for the purpose. It is stated that this new rule has been introduced in consequence of informa- tion which has reached the authorities that copies of water-colour drawings, especially those of David Cox, had been purchased as originals. MR. LESLIE STEPHEN, whom one of the literary clubs was honouring the other day, is undoubtedly a fine critic and writer. Some day, perhaps, his contributions to the "Dictionary of National Bio- graphy" will be reprinted in volume form, and they will be a treat indeed to many people. In the pro- vince of English literature which he has made his own Mr. Stephen is admittedly easily first: his is a master mind. UPWAKHS of a quarter of a million of the red- marked Testaments, issued by a Pan-denominational Committee, hafe already been sold by Mr. Henry Frowde for use in mission works of all kinds, and yet another re-issue in attractive bindings has been decided upon for the Christmas and New Year gift seasons. THE Hon. John Fortescue, whose large work, History of the British Army," has just appeared, is a most accomplished man of letters. His delightful little book on the red deer gained him many ad- mirers. Mr. Fortescue is a member of Lord Ebring- ton's family. I SIR JOliN STAINER, who has resigned, mainly for health reasons, the post of Professor of Music at Oxford, is now close upon 60 years of age, having been born in London in 1840. All his life has been associated with music. He went to St. Paul's Cathe- dral Choir School, and afterwards to Oxford. He has been organist in London, at Tenbury, at Oxford, and finally at St. Paul's. Sir John's compositions have been chiefly in the province of Church music- hymns, services, anthems, and cantatas. He has written numerous educational works on music, and has been joint-editor of Carols New and Old," and a Dictionary of Musical Terms. His musical library is extensive and interesting, containing old English song-books, old Psalm-books, and hymnals, European folk-songs, collections of dance tunes, early treatises, and so forth. THE REAL MALAY," a new volume by Sir Frank Swettenham, Resident-General of the Confederated Malay States, will shortly be issued by Mr. John Lane. As in his previous volumes, "Malay Sketches," and Unaddressed Letters," Sir Frank deals with both native and European life in Malaya. A COMPLETE illustrated catalogue of "The National, Gallery," edited by the director, Sir Edward Poynter, P.R.A., is announced by Messrs. Cassell and Com- pany for early publication. The work was under- taken some years ago on the suggestion of the trustees of the gallery. To many people the rooms in Trafalgar-square are the most delightful resort in London, and the possession of a book containing a reproduction of every picture, necessarily, therefore. including all their favourites of any and every school —English or Scottish. Tuscan or Venetian, French or Flemish, Spanish or Dutch, ancient or modern, landscape, subject, or portriit-wi 11 bc- such a realisa- tion of a dream as they scarcely dared to hope. TWENTY-FOUR "Songs and Madrigals," with an Envoy by Mr. W. E. Henley, completing a volume which will appear early in the New Year, form a welcome feature of the current North American Review. THERE is a story, almost frpsh, nboitt George Eliot in Mrs. Lynn Linton's reminiscences, just published under the title of "My Literary Life." It concerns a certain Dr. Brabant, a learned man who was always writing and re-writing the first chapter of a book that was going to be epoch-making. He cap- tured the enthusiastic heart of Marian Evan*, then in the flush of her intellectual young womanhood. A family tradition, says Mrs. Lynn Linton, chrun.cled a scene which took place between the young woman and the elderly man, when she knelt at his feet and offered to devote her life to his service. "Between a ..ife, who, though blind, counted for something in the councils of the household, and a vigilant sister-in-law who looked sharply after the interests of all concerned, this offer of a life-long devotion proved abortive. The enthusiasm of the girl was promptly stifled under the wet blanket thrown over it by an alarmed wife and a sister who thought such spiritual attachments might lead to danger and Marian Evans left the house a sadder woman than she entered it." THREE more volumes of the "British Antho- logies," edited by Professor Arber for the Oxford University Press, will be issued shortly—those deal- ing with the periods of Spenser, Dryden, and Pope. When the series is completed (in 10 volumes), the best poetry of four full centuries will be represented in its 3000 pages. MESSRS. METIIUEN are publishing under the title "Advanced Australia," an account of Australia on the Eve of Federation, by Mr. W. Johnson Gallo- way, one of the members for Manchester. The author handles such topics of the day as old-age It pensions, female suffrage, divorce, and the experi- mental legislation of the colonial democracies gene- rally. One chapter deals with the peculiarities of West Australian mining and another conveys a warning on a matter of moment connected with the forthcoming Australian Commonwealth Bill. MR. J. W. C. HALDANE, C.E., of Liverpool, who spent a considerable time in the Dominion last year for the purpose of collecting particulars for a new book entitled Three Thousand Eight Hundred Miles Across Canada," will issue this volume during the present month, Messrs. Simpkin, Marshall, and Co. being the publishers. During his tour through Canada the author gathered much information regarding its resources for trade and commerce, its immense field for the industrious and enterprising, its travelling facilities, its steamship connection with the world, its scenery, its engineering features, and much else calculated to make the volume useful and attractive. SIR RICHARD TEMPLE tells us in his pretty little book on the House of Commons that he has kept all the "whips" he has received during his 10 years of Parliamentary life. They occupy 10 volumes, and will, no doubt, prove interesting records of the time. Some of Sir Richard's remarks are refreshingly j naive. It is most fortunate for the stability of the realm, that the ideas which are truly aristocratic find favour with the British democracy; and this outside tendency is strongly reflected inside the House." We should have thought it was also most fortunate for the truly aristocratic idea as well as for the stability of the realm. "A young man of talent and aristocratic connection," con- tinues the author, will rise by leaps and bounds; another young man of at least equal merit but of middle-class connection maybe years in reaching the same eminence, or may never reach it at all. All which apparently pleases Sir Richard Temple well enough. One pronouncement in the little volume is worth quoting. It may be said that a Parliament i (aa, for example, the present one), when the Conser- .vatives are in a large majority, will be more staid and quiet than one which is enlivened by a prevailing number of ardent Liberals." We are reminded of Mr. Matthew Arnold's saying that calm's not life's Crown, though calm is well."

SIR J. WOLFE BARRY has been counting the vehicles in some of the busiest London streets. He found that in one hour 992 passed Cheapside, 1228 the Strand, 1497 Piccadilly, and 661 Tottenham-court- road, the number of pedestrians varying from 3910 at Piccadilly to 6358 at Cheapside. The omnibuses varied from 384 at Cheapside to 487 at the junction of Oxford-street and Tottenham-court-road. It is Computed that on these four routes there is an hourly traffic during the working part. of the day of 1750 omnibuses, 1500 cabs and' carriages, and 1000 carts. THE choir-boys of St. George's Chapel, Windsor Castle, in accordance with ancient custom, have the right to claim 5s. as spur money from any mili- tary man wearing his spurs in church during service. On a recent Sunday an officer had innocently infringed this regulation, and at the close of the ice the boys, tG his surprise, demanded the fine. w ry THE income from the Monte Carlo gaming-tables for ths past vear reaches over £ 1.500,000. I

FREE. I j oil i! D L. { t:{ tj K i }:. I irà œïl œ. } '1 /•,n for Lny Igor, send for tire best an:! most valuable work on ATROPHY and VASJCOCELc., by M.D., Ch.M., with special chapters on the explanation of Vital .Secrets, and the certain CURE OF Prostration. DEBILITY and DECAY. This work is "\Ie purest puide in ESSENTIAL MATTERS, and treats in an exhaustive manner the fnhje'jt of the vano js <l:>ea«;s which emanate from abuses of all kinds, as well as those which arise throu^ no fault of the sufferer. A few of the ailments which the work treats of are Exhausted Vit;dity, Sperinatorrhttia. Youthful Imprudence, Lost Manhood, Premature Decay, Despondency, Loss of Kner-iy, Weakness, Varicocele, Dimness of Sight, Brain Fag, Nervous, ness, I!l>itches on the Skin, Loss of Memory, Melancholy, Noises in the Ears, Liver Complaints, Bladder and Kidney Complaints, and every form of disease peculiar to the Urinnrv U irans. It should he read by everyone, and will he found of inestimable value. Its compilation is the result of many years' experience in the treatment of these diseases, and the author is sure that it will be found a complete treatise on these distressing ailments. Write for a copy to-dav, ?>■ } ^ill send one FREE OF CHARGE. Address:—"Surgeon," 7 Bristol Gardens, brighton, Sussex, England. Name this paper.

FUN AND FANCY. GmTON PROFESSOR: And now, my dear, what is ths lowest form of aiaitnal life?" Student (scorn- ful !y>: Man FosincK I never hear you talk about your ances- tors." Keedick Well, they never talked of me that I know of." AN oid maid suggests that when men break their hearts it is all the same as when a lobster breaks one of his -another sprouts immediately and grows in its place. I 5KvEFT saw a man carry economy to such an extreme," said a Dreyfus panisa.n. He is posi- tively parsimonious." You mean that officer of the French Army ?" Yes. He is continually talking abo,:t saving his honour." WIIES a man gets famous, it would seem that every man in the country used to play marbles with liim at school. M.STKR: "Name some of the most important things existing to-day which were unknown one hun- dred years ago." Tommy You and me." LAWYER '• I must know the whole truth before I ca-i successfully defend you. Have you told me everything ? Prisoner: Except where I hid the money. I want that for myself." Oi IIBU people's mistakes cause us a lot of unneces- sai-v trouble. SHE: "A burned child dreads the fire, it is said." He: Oh, I don't know many widowers marry agnin." JUDHE And what did the prisoner say when you fbhl him that you would have him arrested ?" Com- plainant He answered mechanically, yer honour." Judge: "Explain." Complainant: "He hit me on the head with a hammer." H: "What would you do if I should die and leave you ?" She Leave me how much ?" MR. SOFTSA WDER: "Shall 1 say an revoir and not good-bye ? Miss Pointblanque: I shouldn't advise you to--at least, not until you are on speaking terms with your French accent." FATHER: "James, you know I disapprove very much your fighting, but I cannot help feeling proud of you for whipping such a big boy as that. What did you whip him for? Son (indignantly) "Why, be said I looked like you." DOBRS: There's a man who shaves several times a day." Wiggin "You den't mean it? I should think there's nothing left of his face." Dobbs: It doesn't hurt his face at all. He's a barber." WHAT makes a heap of trouble in the world is that so many people spend their income before they et. it. VisrroR Are you the wild man ?" Museum Freak "Yes." H'm Well, what makes you w ild ?" The idiotic questions that are being con- ntially asked me." MANAGER OF PEXNY SHOW: "What is the row behind the tent? Who's that hollerin, 'Help'?" Assistant Oh, that's only the Strong Man. The Living Skeleton is giving him a thrashing." WALTON (to fishmonger): "Just throw me half a dozen of those trout." Fishmonger: "Throw rhem?" Walton: Yes; then I can go home and tell my wife I caught them. I may be a poor fisher- p s man, but I'm no liar." FORTUNE'S wheel wants well oiling with the oil of industry to make it turn. ASKINS What makes you think that anonymous novel was written by a woman?" Grimshaw: "Why, when the hero sprang from a cab he flung the driver a inillg gold piece and didn't wait for the change." FRW: DO you think the bicycle will ever figure in a war?" Jim: "Ever will ? Good gracious,man, have you never heard a controversy between cyclists as to the respective merits of their wheels ?" ELLA To think that it is two years since we met and you know me at, once. Then I haven't changed much, after all?" Bella "Oh, I knew you by your bonnet. Who would have thought there was so much wear in it?" FAIR MAIDRN (a summer boarder): How savagely that cow looks at me!" Farmer Hayseed: It's your red parasol, mum." Fair Maiden Dear me! I knew it was a little out of fashion, but I didn't ] suppose a country cow would notice it." ENGLISH TOURIST Waiter, bring me some sugar, J please." Wild West Waiter There ain't but three lumps in the house, cap—you kin lfave them as 'soon as them gents get through with 'em—they've got 'em marked, an' they're shakin' dice with 'em A MOTHER of twins one night beard a series of 'giggles proceeding from the neighbourhood of the children's bed. What are you laughing at, there ?" she said. Oh, nothing," replied Edith, one of the twins. only you have given me two baths and Alice none at all." CYCLIST Doctor, I wish you'd make out my bill." Doctor: I thought you weren't ready to pay it." Cyclist: "I'm not; but a fellow to whom I'm 'hoping to sell my machine asked me what my bicycle cost me, and I can't tell him until I hear from you." THAT was a fine piece of irony when a certain famous architect had got out the designs for a mag- nificent church, to cost E30,000, and the committee of the building fund wanted him to reduce the price to £ 10.000. Say 30s. more, gentleman," he wrote, and have a nice spire I" AFTER he had kissed her, and pressed her rosy clieek against his, and patted her soft, round chin mhe drew back, and asked "George, do you shave yourself:" Yes," he replied. I thought so," she said. Your face is the roughest I ever Then she stopped, but it was too late, and he went away with a cold. heavy lump in his breast. ESPANT TERRIBLE: Mrs. Mvles was praising you to-day, Itnamma, to Mrs. Renwick. I was on the other side of the garden wall, and heard 'em." Mamma "What did she say?" Enfant Terrible: She said there were worse old gossips than you in the town." HUSBAND (meekly): "This is the fourth time this week we've had tinned beef and cabbage, Maria, and I'm a little tired of it." His Wife I'm suro, Thomas, you're very unreasonable. You know I've had to correct the :proof-sheets of my new book. One Hundred Dainty Dinners.' MOTIIER And so you engaged yourself to that young man at Idlewild Springs did you?" Daughter (sheepishly) Y-e-s, ma, I promised to become his wife.' It was on a beautiful, moonlight evening in June?" "Why, yes, ma; how did you known?" "And the hotel band was playing a delightful waltz by Strauss ?" Why, yes. Who told you ?" And you two were in the arbour on the lawn?" Yes." And the fountain sparkled in the midnight, and made music which seemed like a a fairy echo to the sweet melody which floated out from the distant orchestra?" II Yes. How "And the lake f with its fleet of pretty boats gliding about the softly illuminated waters seemed like a bit of lovely Venice dreaming at your feet ?" Yes, yes. But how did you know all this?" "I knew it must have been under some such combination of circumstances that he proposed, or you would never had said 'yes' to such an addle-pated nincompoop as that." HUSBAND (cynically): "Ah, women are all alike. When I first asked you to marry me, what did you say ? Why. you said that you wouldn't marry the noblest man that ever breathed." Wife (quietly): Well, I didn't, dear." KELLY (growing pathetic): Pity a poor unfortu- J nate man. Kelliher, thot's got to go home to his j woife!" Kelliher: 'Brace up, Kelly! brace up! 1 Ye should be thankful ye are not the Sultan j A I'ASTOK some time since sought financial help for an important charity. Among those whom he asked to give something was a lady who, unfortunately, hore j a vinegary face. She declined to give money, but j promised to "lend her countenance to the cause. He retired in dismay.. I AN elderly gentleman was showing a lady J country friend round London, when the friend saw in the windowof a private house a square white card j with the letter D upon it, signifying that the dust- man was wanted. On inquiry of her escort she re- ceived the following answer That displayed 'D* denotes that the despairing domestics in that detached domicile desire the distinguished dustman, during his daily diversions, to deem it his delightful duty to deliberately dislodge the dirty dust deposited in their dusthole." <

== BOTH the Vireroy and the Commander-in-Chief of the Forces in Ireland will have sons at the Vont in South Africa the Prime Minister has a BOot fight- ing OR the Western border; the Secretary for War has two sons on their way to the field of operations; Mr. Wyndham (the Under [Secretary for War) recently saw off a brother, who sailed with other officers for Cape Town; Sir Evelyn Wood, the Adjutant-General, has a son engaged and Mr. Cecil Hhodee's two brothers are concenied in the opmrso. lions.

I AMERICAN HUMOUR. Josn BILLINGS wrote All the beass ev the dessart, and ail the snaiks ov the field are born free and equal, 1 and it did allways seem a little funnyto me that man should not be the same. Luv would be a very tame affair, take all the spits j and spats out ov it. Whi iz it that we kan all ov us giv sutch good advice to others, and follow it so poorly ourselves? If yu don't want to make yure child a liar, don't teach him to fear yu. Old men ure too apt to think that about all they are fit for iz to make munny and save it. The man who pays a debt promptly, in these liberal-minded days, iz looked upon az being too fastidious. t To praise a phool makes him drunk. J It 'requires more art to tell a thing well than it duz i to kreate it. Thare are but phew people honest enuff to giv good luk the share ov credit that iz due tu it in their suckcesses. i We are told that virtew iz its own rewardand i what a blessed thing it would be if wickedness would I always git its pay in the same coin. | I am forced to say that the biggest phools that I hay ever met hav been az wise and mysterious ass an owl. The luv of fame, that exists in all men, iz a j strong argument in favour of the immortality ov the j soul. j Nature makes all the heros and gentleman, and J owns the pattant right. < I HE: "You acknowledge that you-er-like me. yet refuse." She (belle of the season): "Yes, I must. Thirteen is an unlucky number." "Eh?" I, You are the thirteenth man who has proposed to me; and if we should become engaged I'm afraid something dreadful would happen." You are foolishly superstitious. What could happen ?" I might marry you." TOCGH TIGERS: "No use talkin', Bill, this ere liquor drinkin' perduces insanity. Look at Moldy Mike." Nosey Jaggers "Is he crazy ?" Tough Tigers: Gone daft. Why, he's so crazy he's gone into an interstoot to be cured o' the drinkin' habits. Any sane bein' would know well enough that life wouldn't be worth livin' arter bein' cured." FRIEND: 1 know you are a proud and happy father, and I've no doubt that baby is a regular cherub, and all that; but I don't see why you need hold your head quite so high." Young Father: That's to keep from dropping asleep." AMERICAN GIRL: And if I marry you, will I live in an old English castle, with turrets and battlements, famed in song and story ?" English Lord Yes, you shall." American Girl: And will you introduce me to the Prince of Wales' set?" English Lord: "Um-er-not until 1 begin to get tired of you." DOCTOR I see what the matter is. Yon do not get sleep enough. Take this prescription to a druggist's." Mr. Blinkers: Thank you. I pre- sume that's what's the matter." Doctor (nsxt day): Ah, good-morning! You are looking much better to-day. Slept last night, didn't you ? Mr. Blinkers: Slept like a top. I feel first-rate." Doctor: "How many doses of that opiate did you take?" Mr. Blinkers (in surpr.se): "I didn't take any. I gave it to the baby." Miss SLIMPIET "Here's an advertisement of 'a literary man who wants board. Does he say he's a literary man to show he's a person of refinement and culture ? Mrs. Slimdiet; No it's to show that he can't pay much." Dr. SMOKER Do you know, my dear, an eminent scientist has discovered that tobacco arrests the de- velopment of bacteria?" Wife: "Does it, really? You wouldn't want your little wife to be eaten up by those horrid bacteria, would you, my dear ? Where's your other pipe ? I'll become a smoker myself." STRANGER: "Doctor, I ache all over." Doctorr "Malaria, probably." Stranger: "And my head is all stuffed up. and I have a tearing cough." Doctor: A little cold along with it, I see. Take Stranger And I just feel as if this blankety-blank world was a rip-roaring old fraud, and I'd like to is throw that miserable old grinning moon at the sun and stuff all the stars down somebody's throat." Doctor: By Jove! You've got the grip." CONDUCTOR (hastily): "How old is that child?" Young Mother (indignantly): "Do I look old enough to have a child old enough to pay fare ?" MRB. WAYBACK Did you go to the theatre while you was in the city, Joshua?" Mr. Wayback: "No, Maria, I couldn't find no theatres somehow. The only place I could find was a dime museum-but I saw that six times." MANDY," said Mr. Corntossel, as he set aside the bottle of salad dressing, don't say a word to nobody. Josiar's been playin' tricks agin' "You don't say so I" Yes. We'll never bring him to town agin'. He's gone an' filled the mustard bottle up with machine oil. 'Tain't manners to make no comments on the victuals, so jes' give it'here an' I'll politely shove it under the table, so's nobody else won't taste it." PROSPECTIVE TOURIST (at booking office of great ocean liner): "That stateroom is near the stern of the vessel, isn't it ?" Agent: Yes, sir." Prospective Tourist: You ought not to charge me full price for it." Agent: "Why not?" Prospective Tourist: Because when the steamer comes to land I'll have to walk half a mile to get ashore." YorNG WIFE (artlessly): Have some of this chocolate cake, my dear." Young Husband (heart- lessly) Are you to blame for it yourself ?" SPORTSMAN (to Snobson, who hasn't brought down a single bird all day): "Do you know Lord Peck- ham ?" Snobson Oh, dear, yes I've often shot at his house." Sportsman Ever hit it T" SHOWMAN Here, gentlemen, you see the giant boa-constrictor, who is in the habit of devouring a whole pig for breakfast -for goodness sake, sir, don't go so near the creature." "SMYTHE is *a very smart fellow." Think so Y Sure. He never tells a funny story without saying so in the beginning. Then it is always sure to get a laugh from the habitual non-listener." BINGO (after arguing one hour and thirty-five minutes with his wife): Now, my dear, what I want to know is this, are you going to give in r Mrs. Bingo (defiantly): No I'm not!" Bingo Then I suppose I'll have to DID you know that Jimcox had returned from the Klondike ? Yes." He made a big strike, I guess." Why do you think so ? "I met him oat at one of the gardens. He was blowing the boys off to a good time, and was telling them some great stories about the country up there." Oh I Then you must run across him just after I had been fool enough to let him have DdoIs. with which to get a new start in life." THE European powers," complained Aguinaldo, won't recognise us." No wonder," replied a staff officer. If we get many more drubbings we won't be able to recognise each other." MRS. GOODONE Don't you know that liquor is a destroyer ?" Thirsty Tatters: Dere's someeiie 'bout me, lady, dat it don't pear to d'stroy." Mrs. Goodone: "And what is that?" Thirsty Tatters: Me thirst for it!" MCSWATTERS Where is your mother-in-law now?" McSwitters: "We are living with her." McSwatters: What! 1 thought you owned a house ?" McSwitters: I did till she came." MRS. WALKER: I don't see why the doctors all recommend bicycle riding. If i makes people healthier it is a loss to the doctors." Mr. Walker: know; but they calculate that one sound healthy rider will disable at least five pedestrians per week." PUT in much ofyoflr time in Kansas deer hunt- ing? "asked the necessary questioner. "Yes," answered the returned sportsman, but the beer- hunting was more exciting.