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FTJS AD FANCY. A C-TKI.'S motives in marrying are like a passport—- apt to get mislaid. One is so seldom asked for eitht-r. YOING: "I heard that you were run down by a iiHYclst. this morning." Oldboy: "So I was." Youim: "Were you hurt?" Oldboy: "Not until one or the bystanders said that it was a shame to so, an old man knocked down like that." the young, who have nothing, and the old. who havr had everything, can afford the luxury of n.elancholy. An," said the g-ushing spinster, "but you have never known what, it is to have. loved and lost!" I haven't, eh!" replied the male listener. Well, I came pretty near it the time my first wife's father dropped every penny he had on a bogus gold mine just three days before orr wedding." WK ought to be satisfied if we hoid-our own but we generally are not, because we want to get hold of someone else's. IF we spent more of the time doing the things we can that we devote to wanting to do the things we can't, we should find that we could do a greater number of things. HERE is an article headed 'From War to Wed- lock,' said Mrs. Tiff as she looked over the news- piper. "This is an alliterative title." "Yes,"added Mr. Tiff alliterative, but tautological." Jh. GLADE: Do you know anybody who has a horse for sale ?" Drover:" I reckon Hank Bitters has. I sold him one yesterday." i FO-il) MOTHER: "I think Violst's voice ought to be cultivated abroad." Sensible Father: Anywhere would suit me, except at home." THIS room is very close," remarked the guest to the bead waiter. Can't I have a little fresh air ?" 1 One air yelled the waiter. Fresh j MADAM," said the officer, I have a warrant for searching these premises for a valuable article of jewellery believed to be stolen by you." "You have, have you ?" she answered defiantly. Well, you may begin by searching me." The bravado was costly, j The officer was a woman in disguise, and found the pocket at the first dive. WIFE (to unhappy husband): I wouldn't worry. John it doesn't do any good to borrow trouble." j Husband Borrow trouble ? Great Csesar. my dear, I ain't borrowing the trouble; I have it to lend." ] BROWN Robinson claims that he could have cut me out and married you himself if he had wanted j tn." His Wife: "Why didn't he do it, then?" I,Irown He owed me a grudge." WHAT are you crying about, my little man ?" Jittuny Dodds licked me first, an' then father licked me for letting Jimmy lick me, and then Jimmy licked me again for telling father, and now I sup- po.<e I shall catch it again from father." IT does not always do to agree with one's friends, The other day a friend was telling me of some silly thing he had done, and said: "You know what a siiiv fool I am?" All innocently I answered "Yes." lie refused to continue his story any further. 1 SHE had just been stating her reasons for refusing his hand. "I hope." she said, that I have made • myself perfectly plain." No, I cannot say that you have," he replied. I—I think Nature has some- thing to do with it." Then he made his exit. MJSTI:F.SS How is it, Sarah, that whenever I I come into the kitchen I find you gossiping with the baker or the butcher ?" Maid Well, ma'am, if you really ask for the truth, I should say as it was them nasty soft-soled shoes you come creeping about in." COMMERCIAL TRAVELLER (to boy who has answered the beil): "I want the boots. You're not the boots, surely ? Boy in Buttons No, sir I'm the socks Commercial Traveller: Socks! You impudent young demon, what do you mean?" Boy in Buttons: "Why, you see, sir, I'm under the boots." THE knowledge that there are more ways than one of doing a thing is frequently a source of subsequent t regret. TiiErE is some difference between a joke and a I mean trick." That's so; a joke is a mean trick that you play on another fellow, and a mean trick is a joke that another fellow plays on you." Miss PRETTY: "I don't see how you whistle through your fingers that way. I could never do it, I'm sure." Mr. Goodheart (wishing to compliment her delicate little hands): "No, Miss Pretty: if vou tried it your whole hand would slip into your mouth." MANY men take a rest as if they were taking some- thing jhat didn't belong to them. WHY do you insist upon taking your wife out j for such long walks in this rough weather?" "The doctor has told her that she must be verycareful not I to talk when she is out in the cold air." I say who's your doctor?" HE Do you think you could learn to love me ?" She (musingly): I don't know. How much salary do you get ?" BIGGs: "That man Dobbs is going around telling lies about you." Boggs I don't mind that, but if he begins to tell the truth I'll break his neck." A MAN boasted that his grandfather was 100 years old. "Pstiaw," said another, "if my grandfather were alive, he would be 150 years old." i THE difficulty with the man who makes a regular 1 practice of finding fault is that as he gets more and expert in his business the demand for his goods gets less and less. A SHORT time ago a young Londoner who had hardly evsr been out of the metropolis in his life, re- ceived an invitation from an acquaintance in the country, asking him to have a run over to his place for a few days and give 'him some help in gathering mushrooms. This is the reply be got: "DEAR JACK,- I'm very glad to hear as how you and the missus is all right, but I can't come over to see you becos I'm afraid 1 would be no use gathering mushrooms for you know very well I can't climb." HUSIIAND (off for a long journey): Do you often think of me when I am gone?" Wife: "Indeed, I do it takes me a week to get the smell of smoke out of the house." AT a party Smith, the funny man, picked from the floor some false hair, and, holding it aloft, wickedly asked who had lost it. Impulsively the hand of every lady within earshot went to her back hair. THE weak fellow was making the girl tired by his long and vapid talk on the advancement of women. Don't you ever wish you were a man ?" he asked as a kind of clincher. No," she responded, in the sweetest, most womanly way; do you ?" WHAT do you think of my poems ?" inquired the youthful aspirant of a medical friend. They "betray an astonishing ignorance of anatomy," was the reply. But they are not supposed to be scien- tific. you know." That may be the case, but it affords no excuse for your saying they 'spring from an aching heart,' when it is so apparent that they pro- ceed from a deranged liver." '• JosErniNE wont take any medicine for that dreadful congb." Why not ?" She doesn't want to get rid of it, because she got it in Paris." THE HUSBAND: "But we can't afford to keep a to get rid of it, because she got it in Paris." THE HUSBAND: "But we can't afford to keep a carriage." The Wife "I know we can't, but I want to show that stuck-up Mrs. Brown that we can have things we can't afford just as well as she can." A WRITER on dancmg estimates that eighteen waltzes are equal to about fourteen miles of heel-and-toe work. And yet many a girl who is too frail to walk down into the kitchen can cover about sixteen miles of ball-room floor per evening. ENOUGH is happiness, but we have no standard by which to measure the quantity. AREN'T you ftfrftid your huibwd will D6 f&sci* nated bv that pretty widow next door?" I don't think sô: be likes a garden, and she keeps fowls." SOMEBODY told me that that young man who was just introduced to us is an actor," remarked Maud. "No," replied Mamie positively; "I'm sure he is nt. He looks like one." I don't care. He isn't." "fJ ow do you know?" "We were talking about the stage and he named as many as five or six people whose acting he admired." Y ISITOR: I understand that you had an amateur dramatic performance in the Town Hall last night I" Native: Yes; the Sock and Buskin Club played 'Little Mae, or the Mountain Mystery. ,J And what was the mystery ?" As near as I could make out, the mystery was how the audience stood it till the last act was over." A WELL-KNOWN novelist was once talking informally to the students of an Art School on Refinement." And how may one best attain to this ideal of refinement ?" asked one young man. The man of letters stroked his moustache very earnestly for a space, but this was the utmost he could find of •xnoHnkffMnent: "A venr rood way M to inherit it."



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