LITERARY EXTRACTS. BOGUS SPECIMENS.—Under the title of Such Speci- mens are Bogus," a writer in the November part of Russell's Saturday Jourua' makes some startling reve- ft&ions about museums. He says: "Even in public ffiuseums things are not always what they seem. There Is a case of birds' eggs in a provincial museum—rather large one—that accommodates at least half a dozen bogus specimens. There is a plaster egg of the great qok, a reproduction of the egg of a frigate-bird, and fclew other rare specimens are similarly represented. Bonotice is tendered, so that unsophisticated persona C quite at liberty to run away with the notion that specimens are perfectly genuine. Indeed, on more than one occasion the writer has been told by ODe of the officials that the exhibits were entirely trustworthy. Another case is likewise prolific in im- positions. This is b. collection of butterflies there are rare specimens particularly prominent by their presence, but, alas many of them are deceptions of lID outrageous kind. Moths and butterflies that would cause a collector to go wild with wonder are admirable fakes," the wings being formed of flelicate parchment, hand painted and sulphur- dusted, while the bodies are of some tinted Woolly material. A stuffed tiger in a famous museum is a charming example of the plush weavers' art. The skin is nothing more or less than a fabric woven by Yorkshire plush weavers, but 80 beautifully exact are the markings that not one out of 50 would betray suspicion in closely examining the case. It is said that 20 clever designers worked On this pattern before it was finally passed for the loom. A special loom was also required, and three expert weavers spent the best part of six months in Completing the production. Hundreds of skins were rejected as unsuitable before a perfect one was brought out. Birds are difficult to successfully imitate, but several cases of feathered friends are admirably faked." There is a case of birds of paradise in a well-known exhibition that, natural Ains though they be, are artificially embellished. Tails and wings receive additional plumes; colour is added to heighten brilliancy, and altogether, the birds are gorgeously made up to entrance visitors. There are any number of bogus fossils before the pubhc, and composition skeletons of rare or extinct animals are particularly prominent. A skeleton of a gorilla was much admired by a certain naturalist, but he learned to his dismay that the exhibit was an arti- ficialone. Every little joint was carefully copied, and the bones were hand-painted to represent stains. The making of artificial skeletons of all kinds is said to be a great industry in certain parts of America." TRIPLE STARS. — When Herschel trained his immense telescope on the heavens he found that many stars which had previously been considered single were made up of two or three distinct orbs. The number of multiple stars whose components can be separated visually is very large. But a new way to ascertain the duplicity or triplicity of a star was accidently discovered about ten years ago. Miss Maury, while examining photographs of the heavens at the Harvard Observatory, noticed a puzzling phenomenon in the case of Beta Aurigte. A certain line in its spectrum would be single at one time and double at another. The explanation adopted for this remarkable occurrence was that the star was a pair, and that the two members were revolving about a common centre of gravity in a plane that made them alternately approach and recede from the earth. In two parts of their orbit they would be moving across the line of sight, and no displacement of their lines would be possible but when one was moving away and the other towards the earth a certain conspicuous line common to both would be displaced to the right tor one body and to the left forthe other. Since that time a number of spect.ro- scopie binaries" have been detected. The two members of the partnership would be so close to each other that they could not be separated visually. Professor Campbell's discovery that Polaris is a system of three bodies, one revolving about, another and the two revolving around the third (as the tnoon and earth do about the sun), was made in a similar manner. That which appeals most strongly to the popular imagination in this performance is the fact i hat by means of the spectograph information has been obtained about a triple star so far removed from us that the most powerful telescope cannot resolve it into separate points of light. But the Statements of the distance of Polaris which have I appeared in some of the newspapers lately have been ridiculously inadequate. One of the estimates made is 255,000,000,000 miles. Now, if one will remember that the sun is 03,000,000 miles away, and that its light comes to us in eight minutes, he will see that if the foregoing estimate of the distance of the pole star were right its beams could only reach us in about 15 days. It would be only about 2700 times as far off as the sun. Light travels fully 6,000,000,000,000 miles in a year, and even the most modest [guesses as to the parallax of Polaris make it 35 light years. Pritchard's estimate in 1887 was 90 light years, but he has since modified his figures. Hence, if one will write 210 and add 12 cyphers thereto he will have the number of miles which the most conservative authorities believe intervene between the earth and the pole star. THE ABBEY PRECINCTS. — In the Quiver, Miss Agnes Giberne commences a new series of complete Stories of the Abbey Precincts." The first story bears the title, co The Irrevocable," and its interest may be gathered from the following opening General North stood gazing solemnly through the mullioned window which lighted one corner of his pretty drawing-room, his thin lips pressed into an even line, his eyes directed towards the nearer angle of the Abbey tower. The honoured Abbey Pre- cincts" included the Bishop's House and the Pre- bendal Residences. Three or four private dwellings were also to be found within the pale. Of these one was the home of General North and his daughter. Something had plainly happened to disturb the General's peace of mind. Ellie North, making tea at a small table, watched his back with solicitude. It was a characteristic back, unbending as a poker. Not alone from past drill, but from present rigidity of will. An essentially unbending man was General North; even more set upon his own way in his seventy-third year than in youth. Are you expect- ing Jem this evening?" He wheeled round abruptly, and the question was shot forth like a bolt from a cross-bow. Ellie coloured up. She was a very taking girl; not beautiful, but graceful and attractive. Most people admired her, and few new why. If they tried to explain, the definitions of her charm was wont to resolve itself into a vague assertion that she was so ladylike." I daresay he will oome." What time ?" I don't know. He did not say he would come to-day. I only think it possible. Not till his work is done." General North walked to the table, received a cup of tea from her iiands, and drank it off. Ellie studied his severe features timidly. Did you want to say anything to Jem, father? You are going to a committee. Shall I give him a message ?" If things are with him as reported, I shall have something to say to him very soon—of a nature that he will not like." Ellie's gentle face went white all over, It may be an error. I do not know—yet. I am the last man to put faith in mere gossip. But it is said that Jem has got himself into debt. If that be so-" Gen- eral North stopped, scanning his daughter's bent head. I'm not asking you whether it be true or not. If you have known this for a fact, knowing, too, my feelings about debt, you ought to have told me. Had you done so, I should not have consented to your marriage next month. If it is true, I with- draw my consent. But I am not answerable for your conscience. I suppose it would be too much to expect any girl—as girls go !—to incriminate her lover. I do say—and I mean what I say—that if em haa been guilty of any such folly, you and he most part. I believed him to be worthy of you— true and honourable, like his father." "He is father." The general turned contemptuously on his heel. "Debt is not honourable," he said; and he marched 'out of the room, leaving his cake untasted. Ellie knew why. Stern man though he was, more than one tender spot lay below. Jem's lather had been his friend and comrade-in-arms, had died by his side in a little frontier war, had commended his boy to the General's good officeswith his last breath! That Jem Victor should marry Ellie had been the General's earnest wish for many A past year. But his own desires would weigh as nothing in the scale if put in conflict with his principles. He was a man of unswerving resolution. if he should enforce the parting, he would himself Suffer. None the less he would not fail to enforce it if this report should prove to be true. Be had known in his own family the evils which follow upon spendthrift habits; and his horror of debt reached an almost morbid height. When consenting, to the engagement, he had spoken words of warning to Jem. Remember," he had said, no debts and no concealments. Pay your way, and let everything be open and above-board. I expect you to work and to make an income before you marry; bit I do not care about riches. Ellie will have plenty. What I do care for is, when I die, to leave Sllie with a husband upon whom I cap entirely rely. Once contract the habit of running into debt, and dependence upon you will be at an end. Jem had frankly replied that he did not owe a penny-which Was then true—and had expressed no end of good resolutions. But the two years intervening since that date had brought temptations which had not always been resisted. Ellie was aware of some alight embarrassments. Others knew that all was not exactly as the General imagined. Until now, in frity to Ellie, nobody had whispered a suggestion of the same in her father's hearing. People loved Ellio. Bad they knew what this would mean if it came to the General's ears. Somebody at last had failed in discretions—from the loter^' poit of yiew» v CHINESE WOMEN.—In the course of an interview entitled Where Women are Never Loved," appear- ing in Cassell's Saturday Journal, Mrs. Archibald Little, the well-known traveller, records some interest- ing impressions of the Celestial Land. She says: In China women, who are held in the greatest con- tempt, are at an enormous disadvantage as compared with men. They are looked upon as a species of dirt —as useless encumbrances. In fact, there is a wise man'? saying in China that if women were not the mothers of children it would be advisable to extermi- nate them. A Chinaman habitually alludes to his better half as My wretched thorn.' and except in the poorest circles the wife never sits down to meals with her husband. Women are completely ignored. When a Chinese mandarin calls on my husband he pretends not to see me. I may be sitting within a couple of yards of him, but he will still affect to be unconscious of my presence. The Chinese start with the belief that English ladies are disreputable charac- ters, one reason being that English women go about with their husbands, which Chinese femininity never does, and another that our dress seems to them to be most immodest because it shows the lines of the figure. The smallest shopkeeper's wife in China never thinks of venturing out except in a sedan chair with the curtains drawn. Women are subject to all manner of insults in China. My ser- vants cause me infinite trouble. They obey me because they know that if they don't they will be dis- missed. A man-servant we once engaged had such a fine contempt for women that in order to account satisfactorily for his undertaking such lowly service as mine he spread a report that I was the daughter of the Queen. The consequence is that in Western China I am supposed to be a Royal personage. The Chinese don't make love, neither do they care whether a woman is pretty or not. Marriages are conducted through agents. A would-be Benedict pays a middle woman so much to supply him with the article he requires. As a rule a Chinaman never sees his wife until the wedding ceremony, when she unveils in his presence for the first time. This ar- rangement, as I need scarcely point out, occasionally gives rise to much disappointment. There are no en- dearing terms whatsoever in the Chinese language. When a husband fondles his wife he doesn't kiss her: he caresses her feet." CCSTER'S CHARGE.—We are apt to think of such military feats as the charge of the 17th Lancers at Omdurman, and the still more famous Charge of the Light Brigade," as peculiarly British achievements, and without their parallel in the history of other nations. In Part 1 of Battles of the Nineteenth Century, Mr. Segar Evan Abbott givsa vivid account of General Custer's somewhat similar, but more fatal, effort in the great fight with the Red Indians at Little Big Horn in 1876: The command (says Mr. Abbott) set out for Sitting Bull's village shortly before noon. Custer's battalion took to the right to cross the hills and ride down upon the en- campment, and Major Reno branched off to the left and forded the Little Big Horn — a stream that gives the battle its name—at the mouth of a stream now called Benteen's Creek. After separation the only word received from Custer was an order signed by the adjutant, and addressed to Captain Benteen, which read: Ben teen come on, Big village. Be quick. Bring Packs"; and a post- cript, Bring Packs." About the time this message must have been despatched, those with Reno beheld the general and his men on top of a hill two miles or more away, looking down upon the village, and saw Custer, take off his hat and wave it in the air, as if either beckoning the other battalions to his assist- ance or cheering his men. When Custer reached the top of the hill, instead of a village of some 800 or 1000 warriors, he saw beneath him a veritable city of wigwams spread out in the valley. The smoke from the fires clouded the sky, great herds of ponies cropped the grass as far as the eye could see, thousands of painted Sioux, armed, and astride their shaggy ponies, galloped in circles, working themselves into a frenzy of fury to fight the White man. Medicine-men danced and yelled their incan- tations, and squaws busily struck the tents and hur- ried their papooses and swarms of dusky children out of harm's way. When this scene of angry life met his gaze, General Custer, old Indian fighter that he was, must have recognised that he was in for what seemea likely to be his last fight. But the mistake had been made. The time had passed for new plans of battle. He could not turn his back on the war- riors to join his battalion with the others, for already the painted bucks were circling round him and firing into his ranks, and already, in all probability, he heard the crack of rifles to his left, telling him that the Indians were upon Reno. Hemmed in, retreat out of the question, and trusting that his other bat- talions would hurry to his support, he callod to his men, and together they plunged into the shrieking, shouting' seething mass of painted and befeathered Red men—and died. WAS THE DAHLIA INTRODUCED AS AN EmBL PLANT.—A Scots M.P., rather less cautions than is the wont of the Celt, not long ago made the assertion that the Dahlia was introduced as an edible plant. A writer to Xh& Gardener in drawing attention to this rather rash sfatefnent says I imagined that I knew something about the history of the Dahlia, but it appears that a certain Scottish M.P. knows more than 1 do. If the honourable member is correct in his remark, we have been sadly remiss in not cul- tivating the Dahlia as an esculent. The error should be remedied as far as possible. A class ought to be included in every sho IV schedule for the best Dahlia tubers. What a vista it offers for the future Potato raisers must take a back seat, and Mr. Findlay may convert his new estate into a Dahlia farm. The Dahlia will form that happy combination whicl: is to delight both eysi and palate. Another gentle- man positively contradicts the assertion, and re- minds the readers of the Gardimr that the first description of the Dahlia occurs in Francisco Hernandez's treatise on The Plants and Animals of New Spain," published at Madrid in the year 1615, and no mention is made of it being edible. Nicholas Joseph Thierry de Menonville was sent to America by Louis XVI. to obtain the cochineal insect and the plant it subsisted on. In this he was successful, and in the same year Menonville published this descrip- tion of the Dahlia—as having flowers as large as Asters on stems as tall as a man, with leaves like those of the Eldertree. In 1789 it was introduced into this country by the Marchioness of Bute, who obtained it through her husband being diplomatically em- ployed at Madrid. This importatien and another made by Lady Holland were, however, lost to culti- vation. A third stock was afterwards brought from France about the year 1815, aDd from this the numerous forms have been obtained. HAND-WRITING.—Mr. T. H. Gurriu, the famou hand-writing expert, relates many interesting stories connected with his profession in an interview which appears in the New Penny Magazine. He once went down by the night train to Edinburgh to give evidence in a contested will case. One side said that the will was in the hand-writing of the testator; and the other side contended that the whole document was a forgery. The main ground for the latter con- tention was that a good many of the letters were formed, not with one stroke of the pen, but with several strokes. This was taken as a mark of forgery; but, on looking at a lot of other admittedly genuine contemporary writing, Mr. Gurrin found that the deceased often wrote in this scratchy way. Eventually he gave his opinion in favour of the genuineness of the document, and was re- quested to appear at the trial and support his opinion on oath. He arrived on the morning of the trial, and barely had time for a wash and some breakfast before going into court. The cross-ex- amining advocate devoted a long time to him, for £20,000 hung on the decision. At last, taking up the alleged forgery, he said, Look at that capital letter in the fifth line. Can you find another letter like it in the admitted writing ?" The expert replied that he could, and pointed to a similar specimen. The advocate looked at it, and said, You must be joking, Mr. Gurrin!" "I cannot disbelieve the evidence of my own senses!" retorted Mr. Gurrin. Don't you give us credit for having any senses ?" said he. "Well," replied the expert, "I have not been in Edinburgh very long." Everybody in court laughed heartily and the advocate left the witness alone after that. Court ultimately pronounced in favour of the will. i How MR. CHAMBERLAIN WORKS.—A glance at Mr. Chamberlain's room in the Colonial Office will reveal part of the secret of his power of getting through work, says a writer in the New Penny Magazine. There is nothing superfluous, nothing out of place and every morning when he comes to business, his desk is absolutely clear. There is not a paper in the room. Mr. Chamberlain works in a large room, look- ing on the great quadrangle round which are built the Foreign, Colonial, Home, and Indian Offices. He often lunches in his room when too occupied to go to his club, the Athenaeum. Sitting at his large desk at the further end of the room, he has accorded in- terviews to men of all nationalities and all colours. Mr. Chamberlain's morning at the Colonial Office is taken up in dealing with a great mass of papers. In addition, he has to give verbal instructions to his subordinates and to see a large number of important people. In the afternoon he has to go down to the House of Commons during the Session, where as a Minister he must attend daily to answer questions, besides transacting his general Parliamentary busi- ness. To his private room in the House of Commons papers follow him in boxes, labelled with slips of paper, red, green, or white, according to the urgency of their contents. Nor is the day's work ended there. At midnight, when he goes home, he finds papers at his private house; and even when he is away from London they arrive with regularity by post or by special messenger. In fact, Mr. Chamberlain cannot wcaps them unless he were to disappear altogether 1
HOME HINTS. Jo not et stale flowers remain in a sick room. Do not leave vegetables in water after they are cooked. Run vinegar on the isinglass in stove doors and so have them clean. MUSLIN curtains, figured and ruffled, look well for narrow windows in apartments. HAY water sweetens tin, wooden and iron ware. This is made by boiling a little sweet hay in water. THE best remedy for oderous drain-pipes is copperas dissolved in water and poured slowly through them. OILY medicines can easily be taken from a spoon that is very hot, as the oil slips off quickly. SAVE raw potato parings, for when they are thoroughly dry they may be useful to economise wood in the lighting or reviving a fire. NURSERY combs rarely need washing, but they must be frequently cleaned with borax-powder rubbed on dry, and then polished with soft tissue-paper. IT takes more than twice as much sugar to sweeten preserves and sauces if put in when they begin to cook as it does if the sugar is added after cooking is done. IRONWARE by constant use gets a kind of black on its surface that is destroyed by scraping. Wash and dry, and if there is roughness remove it by rubbing with paper and dry salt. COPPER kettles and other articles may be success- fully cleaned by rubbing them with half a lemon dipped in salt. When clean they should be rinsed in clean water, and polished with a soft cloth.— Janet" in the Evening News. NEVER draw the curtain in your bedroom, particu- larly during the daytime, on a sunny day. Sunlight is one of the factors essential to health, and a room wherein the sun shines is pretty sure to be one that will invigorate the body during sleeping hours. MOCK CREAM PIE (VERY GOOD).—Bake, in deep, round tins, batter made of three eggs beaten stiff, one cupful of sugar, one and one- half cupfuls of flour, one and one-half tea- spoonfuls of baking powder. When baked, cut off the top, scoop out the inside, and fill with custard; one pint of milk, three tablespoonfuls of flour, five tablespoonfuls of sugar, two eggs boiled together. SroNGE CAKE.—Six eggs, two cups of fine granu- lated sugar, 2i cups of flour sifted three times, one cup of boiling water, one level teaspoonful of baking powder; flavour to taste. Beat yolks of eggs and sugar to a cream, then pour in the boiling water add flour with baking powder in it, then whites of eggs beaten stiff. Bake in a moderate oven one hour. A cup of cold water in the pan over it keeps the oven moist. FRENCH CREAM CAKE.—Four eggs, one cup of white sugar, one cup and two tablespoonfuls of flour, one tablespoonful of baking powder in flour, and two tablespoonfuls of cold water. This cake is better a day or two old. Bake in two deep pans and split with a sharp knife. When cold fill with the follow- ing custard Filling Boil nearly one pint of milk; mix two tablespoonfuls of corn-starch with a little milk. add two eggs and stir in the milk slowly with one scant teacup of sugar. If you wish it very rich add one-half cup of butter; but it is very good without butter. When cool add two teaspoonfuls of vanilla. CARAMEL CAKE.—Whites of eight eggs, three-fourths cup of butter, one and three-fourths cups of sugar, two and three-fourths cups of flour, one-half cup of sweet milk and one heaping teaspoonful of yeast powders. Bake in jelly pans. Filling: Four cups of brown sugar, one cup of sweet milk, one cup of butter and two cups of shelled pecans. Put sugar and milk on stove together; after it commences to boil put in butter and let it boil until it will drop from the spoon then put in pecans and let it remain a few minutes on the stove, then remove and beat until it is stiff enough to put between the cake. FRUIT CAKE —Eight pounds of raisins, 2!lb. of citron, 2ib. of currants, lib. of butter, ten eggs, four cups of brown sugar, six cups of flour, one cup of milk, three tablespoonfuls of ground cinnamon, two tablespoonfuls of ground allspice, one table- spoonful of ground cloves, four grated nutmegs, one small cup of molasses, one wineglassful of brandy and two tablespoonfuls of baking powder. This receipt makes two very large fruit cakes. FRIED CAULIFLOWER.—Clean and separate the cauli- flower and trim the stalks to a point. Cook five minutes in boiling water, drain, and cook again in fresh boiling water to which a tablespoonful of salt has been added. When tender drain again and roll each piece in sifted breadcrumbs, cover with beaten egg diluted with two tablespoonfuls of water, drain and roll again in crumbs and fry in deep fat to a golden brown. Drain on soft paper and serve at once on a folded napkin with sprigs of parsley between them and tomato sauce in a separate dish. Ris AU GRATIN.—Have cleaned and trimmed the required quantity of sweetbreads and cut them in slices. Butter a gratiner and sprinkle it with chape- lure. Place the sweetbreads on this and thin slices of bacon, minced fine" breadcrumbs, fine herbs, and a few mushrooms cut fine. Season with salt, pepper, and mustard. Moisten it well with bouillon, cover the top thickly with chapelure and little dice of butter. Cook with fire above and below one hour. BRAISED LIVER.—Wash and lard a calf's liver, and place it in a deep baking-pan on a bed composed of one turnip, one carrot, one stalk of celery, and one onion, all chopped. Sprinkle with salt and pepper, pour on a pintof boiling water, cover the pan, and place in a moderate oven for two hours, or until the liver is done. Remove the meat, put a tablespoonful of butter into a frying-pan, heat it, and add the liquor strained from the vegetables and a little flour. Stir until it begins to boil, then add a tablespoonful of Worcestershire sauce, pour over the liver, and serve at once.-The Sun. CURRIED SARDINES.—Mix together one teaspoonful each of sugar and curry powder, one cup of cream, and a teaspoonful of lemon juice. Stir over the are until hot, then put in eight or nine sardines. When hot, artange on a hot dish with round slices of apple sauted, in butter. Surround with a wall of boiled rice; pour the sauce over all, and serve. SWISS TOIATO SAUSAGES.—Take lib. of sausages, lib. of tomatoes, a small onion, oz. of cornflour, half a pint of cold water, pepper and salt to taste. First prick the sausages and lay them in a stewpan with the sliced tomatoes and onion, add the water and, seasoning, and cook slowly for about 20 minutes. Directly the sausages are done take each one up carefully, set on a hot dish, and press the vegetables through a hair seive. Thicken the puree with the cornflour made into a paste with cold water, bring to boil, stir constantly for five minutes, pour slowly over the sausages and serve. Scatter finely- chopped parsley all over. TOMATO PIE.—Slice a good-sized onion thinly, and fry in butter till lightly browned. Take one pound of ripe tomatoes, skin and cut in slices. Place a layer of onions in the bottom of a pie-dish, then a layer of tomatoes, with white breadcrumbs scattered over, and a few bits of butter. Next have a thin layer of onions, and so on till the dish is full. Have ready some boiled potatoes, mash them with butter, pepper, and salt, and spread over the tomatoes to form a prust. VEGETABLE MARROW AU PARMESAN.—Peel a small vegetable marrow, steep it in salted water for half an ] hour, take out and drain. Cut as many slices as you require to fill the dish you intend using. Melt some butter in a stew-pan, put in the slices, season with a little salt, pepper, and spice. Let all fry for a few minutes, stirring constantly. Place on a buttered dish, sprinkle grated Parmesan cheese thickly on the top, over this scatter breadcrumbs and a few bits of butter. Bake in a hot oven for 10 minutes and serve. SICK-BOOM NURSING.—The nurse should never stand at the head of the bed, but where she can easily be seen. The nurse must have great patience, and be firm in carrying out the doctor's orders. She should be tidy in appearance, and should never argue with the patient. If the patient desires reading, or if reading aloud is not trying to the nerves, it should be done slowly. Never hurry or raise the voice unduly.-—Spare Moments. RUSSIAN SALAD.—Have ready some boiled carrots, turnips, beetroot, and haricot beans. Slice the turnips, and, if possible, cut the other vegetables with a vegetable-scoop into shapes. Take a cupful of cold fish. Arrange all the above ingredients in a dish; garnish with gherkins and chopped parsley. Make a sauce thus: Place the yolks of two raw eggs in a bowl, stir with a wooden spoon, adding oil very slowly till you have sufficient sauce. Add tarragon vinegar, pepper, salt, made mustard, and capers. Pour over the salad. Garnish it with hard-boiled egg, pickles, or capsicums—anything, in fact, that ia bright-coloured. STEA* A LA FRANCAISB.—Take a piece of steak about two inches thick. Melt three ounces of drip- ping in a frying-pan, and when quite hot put it in the steak, turning constantly with a knife till quite brown. Take the steak out, and put in a pan with a tight-fitting cover. In the frying-pan put a large onion and half a carrot, sliced, and some chopped parsley. When nicely browned lay on the eteat.and pour round a pint of good stock. Add a few pepper- corns and three cloves. Cover the pan closely; and place in the oven, where it should bake slowly for an nour and a half. Serve with the vegetables on the meat and the gravy poured round. Garnish wfth
GUEST: You charge more for a porter-house steak than you used to. Why is it ?" Proprietor of Restaurant: I have to pay more for it. The pries of beef has gone Guest: is small.. than it used to be, too." Proprietor: That, of oourse. is on accoqj^of the scarcitf of ,b($af,?lW.
SCIENCE NOTES. A BACTERIOLOGICAL institute has recently been established at Vladivostok, and a similar institute is shortly to he opened at Meiv. in Central Asia. Y. uu if—• THE sunflof 25,000 dollars has been promised ts Vassar Cofiege towards a biological laboratory, on condition that an equal amount be raised for the same purpose bytother means. 1 £ I ,¡I MICROSCOPISTS require two sets of eyes-pieces for their achromatic and apobhfomatic objectives, but the new hbloseopic eye-piece serves for both/and gives very beautiful images. 1; ACCORDING to a recently issued Consular report, a new process for the production of ammonia has re- cently been discovered in Germany. The process is said to be at present an expensive one, but this difficulty will, it is though, be overcome. ACCORDING to the experiments of Mr. W. J. S. Lockyer with electric sparks as described in Nature, dark lightning flashes do not exist, but they appear on photographs owing to some chemical actions in the gelatine film. A SCIENTIFIC and commercial mission, under the direction of M. Ernest Milliau, director of the Laboratory of Technical Experiments in connection with the Ministry of Agriculture, Paris, has been sent to Russia and Roumania with the object of taking measures for facilitating and extending busi- ness relations with those countries, especially with regard to the exportation of olive oils. MAGNALIUM is a new alloy of magnesium and aluminium (10 to 30 per cent. by weight of the former metal), which has been introduced by Dr. L. Mach; and is a bright, silvery metal, hard and good for turning. AT the Academie de Medicine, France. M. Laborde reports 14 fresh cases of resuscitation from apparent death by the method of rhythmic traction of the tongue. Half were cases of drowning, and took from 20 to 60 minutes of treatment to revive them. Another case was brought back to life after three hours of traction. IN the American \zchinist, Mr. Frank Richards gives his experience of liquid air as .applied to propel motor-cars. Liquid air is a safe means of carrying compressed air, and can be employed to work a com- pressed air-engine. A tricycle could be worked by it at less than the expense of a horse. M. DE LAPPABENT has tried the wireless telegraph successfullv between Chamounix and the Observa- tory of M. Vallot, Mont Blanc, a distance of eight miles, with a difference of altitude of 10,000 feet. An important new observation was made by him, namely, that, while the electric state of the atmos- phere did not prevent the working of the apparatus, the electric lighting of Chamounix made communica- cation impossible. MR. C. E. KELwAT has (the Globe says) invented a method of locating sounds by means of wireless tele- graphy. It was recently shown to the Canadian Minister of Marine and Fisheries, and is under con- sideration by the Lights Committee of Trinity House. The inventor hopes that it will obviate the use of the lead in thick weather, and prevent the stranding of ships, except through criminal negligence. IT is known that chloroform and ether have an action on moist seeds, and forbid germination, but, according to M. Coupin, in a note to the Academic des Sciences, they have no action on dry seeds, and consequently might be used to kill insects among the seeds. M. VIOI.LE, the well-known French chemist, recently announced to the Academie des Sciences, Paris, that a new radiant metal had been extracted from pitch blende. It seems to approach titanium in its properties, and is a far more powerful radiator than uranium. WE are told by Mr. W. Wagstaffe, in Knowledge, that we lose 31b. 6oz. between night and morning we gain lib. 12oz. by breakfast. That we again lose about 14oz. before lunch; that lunch puts on an average of lib; that we again lose during the after- noon an average of lOoz.; but that an ordinary dinner to healthy persons adds 21b. 2oz; to their weight. ACCORDING to M. Grellet, in a paper to the Academie de Medicine, Paris, the dressing of soil with lime for farming purposes on the plateau of Chatillon-sur-Loing (Loiret) has expelled the malaria from the district. The soil there is clayey, and rests on hard, impermeable pudding stone. The anti- malarial influence of lime is not well understood, but it may account for the absence of malaria in many parts which are marshy or humid—for example, Egypt after the Nile floods. MR. COWPER-COLES has (says the Globe) invented an apparatus for locating sounds. It consists of a sound reflector, which can be turned in all directions, and when it is in line with the source of the sound the operator hears it most distinctly. A hearing tube is adjusted at the focus of the reflector. Con- versation can be carried on between ships or over long distances, without raising the voice, by having two of these locators. One correspondent speaks through the tube into the reflector of one, and the other hears through the tube of his reflector. Experi- ments at St. Margaret's Bay showed that the ticking of a watch in the focus of one reflector could be heard in another at a distance at 20ft. when a strong wind blew across the line of sound. ACCORDING to Mr. Salomon Reinach, a Well-known French anthropologist (see L'Anthrcpolojjie, Vol. X. 1899, p. 397), there was in 1000 B.C. an overland trade in tin between the British Islands and Thrace or Macedonia. The relation of Britain, Northern Europe, and Western Asia are proved by the diffu- sion of tin, amber, spiral ornaments, and bronze implements. Homeric Greece (800 B.C.) knew the Ceitic name of the Cassiterides or tin islandsand the phenomenon of the short nights of North Britain. The tin was brought to the Agean by Greeks or Barbarians, who sought an oversea route in order to keep the trade in their-own hands. The invention of the anchor by Midas of Phrygia ren- dered this feasible. Reinach considers that he first brought lead and tin to Greece by the north-west sea route, and that the Phoenicians got the trade into their hands later. Leak, Hamilton, and Ramsay re-discovered Phrygia, but 27 centuries ago the Phrygians discovered Britain. EVERY shrewd chemist and manufacturer is alive to the importance of utilising by-products wherever practicable. In this connection a new and interest- ing development is announced in the chemical in- dustry of the United States in the utilisation of the sulphuretted hydrogen gas developed as a by-product in the refining of asphaltum at the Californian Asphaltum Company's Works at Ventura, Cal. The gas is burned to sulphurous anhydride in the usual well-known manner, and the product of the com- bustion is conveyed to the lead chambers. Owing to the method of its production the gas is of a high degree of purity, and the acid produced is also of high grade. At present the output amounts to 10 tons per day, when the works are run at their fnll capacity. The Pacific Coast is beginning to have an important chemical industry. Sulphuric is made on a rather large scale elsewhere in California. A RUSSIAN engineer, M. Olschewsky, after long re- searches based on the method of Michaelis, has made a good artificial stone. Michaelis showed that hot steam acting on slaked lime and ground quartz produced a hard silicate of lime, resembling the natural stone. Olschewsky employs two to 10 parts by weight of lime, and 98 to 90 parts of sand. Artificial bricks and slates are made in this way, and as they do not absorb moisture like natural stone they are better for some building purposes. The blocks are whitish, but can be coloured artificially, Their form depends on the mould, and can be highly ornamental. In Germany, Denmark, Holland, and Russia, this new industry is flourishing so well that already 150 works are making the stone. It promises to be active in parts of England, where sand and lime are common—for example, Surrey and Kent. IN Engineering there is an interesting contribution by Professor Barr, of Glasgow University who deals with meteorological phenomena. It used, he said, to be commonly supposed that the particles forming a fog or a cloud consisted of small vesicles or bubbles of water, filled with some very light gas. This extraordinary conception arose from the supposed necessity of finding some explanation of the suspen- sion of these particles in the a'r* The pro- cess of formation of such vesicles, and the presence in them of gas which was lighter than air, though subject to a very considerable pressure on account of the capillary contractility of the envelope, were mysteries never explained. But the principle just given will suffice to indicate that very small particles of water will fall very slowly in still air, while a very slight upward current will suffice to keep them from descending at all in the case of very small particles. Aitken has shown that the globules forming a fog or cloud consist each of I' a film of water condensed upon a particle of dust. The core is therefore solid, not gaseous. <,
READINGS FOR THE YOUNG. JUST BE GLAD. o heart of mine, we shouldn't Worry so! What we've missed of calm we couldn't Have, you kno w! What we've met of stormy pain, And of sorrow's driving rain, We can better meet again If it blow. We have erred in that dark hour We have known, When the tears fell with the shower, All alone- Were not shine and shower blent As the gracious Master meant? Let us temper our content With His own. For we know, not every morrow Can be sad So, forgetting all the sorrow We have had, Let us fold away our fears, J And put by our foolish tears. I And through all the coming years ( Just be glad. WHEN BULLETS ARE FLYING. What are the feelings of an officer when, for the first time he leads his men into battle ? (asks a writer in Chums). This is a question which the soldier him- self alone can answer, and we suspect that a good many would be unwilling to go too closely into the subject. "he hum of a rifle bullet, the shriek of a shell, the rush of a cannon shot must be, and always has been, extremely trying to the inexperienced warrior. A certain officer, who prefers on this occasion to be nameless, has frankly described his first experience in battle. We were advancing to the scene of opera- tions (he says). On entering a strip of wood it occurred to me that my men, being raw recruits, would not fight well on horseback, and so I ordered them to dismount. This, of course, stopped the whole body of the army behind the regiment. While the men were leisurely tying their horses, an officer came up at a furious gait and asked peremptorily: What have you stopped here for, and blocked up the whole road ?" I saw the point in a moment, and bade my men move out of the wood. In the mean- time my scrabbard got itself hopelessly entangled in a bush, and the more I tried to get it loose, the more it stack the faster." So I told my men to form at the edge of the wood aid wait for me. Then I cut the straps and left my broken scabbard in the bush, while, with naked blade flashing in my hand, I rushed to the front. Not a man could I find. They were anxious to see the fun, and had run over the brow of the hill, and scattered along the whole length of the line. After infinite difficulty, many words and more temper, I got theui together again. We were barely in position when I heard a distant cannon, and at the same instant saw the ball high in the air. As near as I could calculate, it was going to strike ex- actly where I stood, and I dismounted with remark- able agility, only to see the missile of war pass 60ft. overhead. I felt rather foolish as I looked at my men, but a good deal relieved when I saw they, too, had all squatted on the ground and were none of them looking at me. I quickly mounted again and commanded them to stand up." We were ordered to charge soon after, and the enemy easily gave way before us, for which I was:most devoutly thankful. We passed some dead and wounded, the first sad results of real war that I had ever seen. At night black clouds overspread the sky, the rain fell in torrents, not even a camp-fire could be kept to light up the impenetrable gloom. I stretched myself upon the soaked ground. The pale, rigid faces that I had seen turned up to the evening sun appeared before me, as I tried in vain to shield my own from the driving rain, and as the big foot of a comrade, blundering round in the darkness, splashed my eyes full of mud, I closed them in my first sleep upon a battlefield. 1"1: AS PLAYED IN CHINA. The Chinese are about the last people in the world one would expect to play football, yet in Northern China there are quite a number of football teams (says a writer in Chums). Of course the game as played by the Celestials is very different from the British form of the past'me. For instance, a sort of wickerwork basket takes the place of the ball, and instead of being played in a field the match is fought out in the streets, the rival teams consisting of 50 a side. The two goals are formed by the two ends of the town, and the object of the game is to carry the ball, or rather the basket, into the opponent's end. Very little business is done in the town while the match is being played, for the proceedings are of an exceedingly rough and rapid kind. A certain number of players are posted in all the principal streets. Meantime the townsfolk at their windows watch the play with as much interest as the spectators of a Rugby game in this country. The scrimmages are simply terrific. For once John Chinaman dis- penses with his fan and his grumpish manners, and plays the game like a Trojan. Every player is pro- vided with a whistle to call the assistance of his friends from adjoining streets, and when the players are called together for a big scrum in some par- ticular street, the uninformed onlooker would suppose Chinese Bedlam had broken loose. Such howling and hooting, such tumbling and charging and hustling—a British scrimmage is tame beside it. There is no umpire, no method, and practically no code of rules. It is rough and tumble and go as you please," and the game often lasts for days. PRBAKS INDULGED IN BY BOYS. There is no limit to what a boy will do, once he has made up his mind (says a writer in Chums) and some Of the freaks of youngsters during the last few years are so remarkable that if they were de- scribed in stories they would hardly be believed. It is only a few months ago, for instance, that four boys at Dover alarmed the police during the night by boarding a steam yacht in the harbour. The youths, having managed to get aboard the craft, burst open the door of the engine-room, got up steam, and set the vessel in motion, tripping round and round the harbour. Fortunately, they were discovered before it was too late, or, according to experts who saw the boiler immediately after the boys were detected, a very serious explosion might have occurred. It is a curious fact that the sea appeals more than anything to boys of this turn of mind. There have been many instances of the kind within the last few years. Not so very many months ago some Liverpool boys were stopped on the Mersey as they were setting out for a voyage in a small boat which they had loosed from its moorings and a year or two since a number of London boys, having got possession of a rather large sum of money, stocked a boat with eat- ables and were about to set out on a voyage round the world when they were surprised by the appear- ance of a policeman on the scene. The boat had been well filled with provisions, which the boys had ob- tained in small quantities so as not to excite suspi- cion, and had they not been interfered with it seems probable that they might have existed at sea for months. A boy of 18, named Schreiber, managed to outwit the Vienna police on the occasion of the Austrian Emperor's last birthday by climbing up the steeple of St. Stephen's church and fixing a black- and-yellow flag on the top. Four other persons had been prevented from attempting to perform this feat, but Schreiber succeeded in reaching the summit with- out being noticed, though he was stopped on coming down, and was compelled to go to the police-station. PAID WITH HIS LIRA. ■ A remarkable story is told by a writer in Chums of a Californian boy, who was killed while fighting in the American army at Manila. In a moment of weakness his father embezzled some public funds, and this so worked upon the sensitive mind of the boy that he determined never to rest until he had atoned for his parent's crime. The stolen money amounted to a very large sum, £ 10,000 in fact; but he set before himself the task of working until he could repay it. He determined at first to become a merchant; but when the war with Spain broke out a new idea occurred to him. This was that he should enter the army. If he was killed, he thought, the sacrifice of his life would be atonement. If he sur- vived, he might live to pay back the debt. So be en- listed, and met his death in battle, thus showing a spirit not only of bravery, but of heroic self-sacrifice. SHOOTING STARS. In the course of an article on shooting-stars in Littk Folks the author says: "Then think of a meteor which, rushing at that speed through space, meets the covering of our earth, and you will under- stand, perhaps, how a very great heat is made. Now, think of hundreds and hundreds of small bodies wandering round the sun on this pathway, then think of a shoal of herrings in the ocean, think of a huge. flock of birds, or of a swarm of locusts and it will help you to see how the meteors travel in a vast body, and yet how each separate one must finish its own' journey of thousands and thousands of miles once in 33 years, for, of course, unlike the fish, the birds, or the locusts, the meteors must keep on a certain track. For the greater part of the vear we see almost no meteors, but once in each year the earth crosses their track, and that is in November.*
KIND FATHER My dear, if you want a good husband, marry Mr. Goodheart. He really and truly loves you." Daughter: Are you sure of that, papa?" Kind Father: "Yes, indeed. I've been borrowing money of him for six months and still he keens coming. tot;' J 1 !■
POST FREE. Kv m m LOST. MA HOOD. It you I for '-Nl I IN,i,or, send for liie j,e,t and most valuable work on ATROPHY and VARICOCELE, by M.D., Ch.M., with special chapters on the explanation of Vital Secrets, and the certain CURE OF Prostration. DEBILITY and DECAY. This work is "he purest guide in ESSENTIAL MATTERS, and treats in an exhaustive manner the subjevt of the varions d^ea^es which emanate mini abuses of all kinds, as well as those which arise throUL'h no fault of the sufferer. A few of the ailments which the work treats of are Exhausted Vitatity, Spermatorrhoea, Youthful Imprudence, Lost Manhood, Premature Decay, Despondency, Loss of Energy, Weakness, Varit-ocele, Dimness of Sight, Brain Fag, Nervous* ness. Blotches on the Skin, Loss of Memory, Melancholy, Noises in the Ears, Liver Complaints, Bladder and Kidney Complaints, and every form of disease peculiar to the Urinary Organs. It should be read by everyone, and will be found of inestimable value. Its compilation is the result of many years' experience in the treatment of these diseases, and the author is sure that it will be found a complete treatise on these distressing ailments. Write for a copy to-day, and I will send one FREE OF CHARGE. Address:—"Surgeon," 7 Bristol Gardens, Brighton, Sussex, England. Name this paper. -r"
FUN AND FANCY. No true lady will bounce out of the room and slam the door after her when asked to forego her new silk M ess for a few days and let her husband settle an old cigir bill. <JRSTOMEE "See here, waiter, how many times are you going past here till you bring me the breakfast that I've ordered ?" Waiter You'll have to count it yourself, sir; I'm too busy!" I'LL know better next time," said Mrs. Ferguson, speaking of it afterwards. I told George's uncle to consider himself at home in our house." "Well?" Well, it wasn't five minutes afterwards that he began to grumble about the cooking." THE idea!" exclaimed the sensational actress, as she beat an angry tattoo on the floorwith her slipper. XViiat's the trouble ? Can't you get your divorce?" iis-ked a friend. Yes butthe lawyer has offered to secure it without publicity THE woman who tells you a secret knows in her hfnrt that you can't keep it any better than she could. IT was a case of love at first sight, was it not?" Yes at his first sight of her bank account." "YOU'VE been a fool all your life," exclaimed the excited husband. Yon seem to forget, dear, that I refused you three times before we were married," said the wife quietly. DAUGHTER "0 papa. I've got the most lovely yachting costume you ever saw." Papa (busily): "I'm glad you like it." Daughter: "it's just too lovely for anything. Now all we need is a yacht." MISTKESS "I saw two policemen sitting in the kitchen with you last night, Bridget." Bridget: '• Well. ma'am, yez wouldn't have an unmarried lady be sittin' with only one policeman, would yez? The other wan wuz a chaberon." MR. HARDHK.M) I have called, sir, to ask for the hand of your daughter." Old Gentleman (with emotion): "She is the only child I have, and her mother is gone." Mr. Hardhead (hastily): "Oh, that's no objection, I assure you." er TOMMY SNIGGLES: "Pa, what is a professional philanthropist? The paper calls Mr. Waxem one." Mr. Sniggles: A professional philanthropist, Tommy, is a man who persuades other people to give their money to the poor and gets 50 per cent. salary for doing it." SHE I don't understand how you men can go out every night." He Oh, that's easy. But I'll admit it puzzles me sometimes how I am going toget in." MAMMA (to Tommy): "I'm sorry you and your sister quarrelled over that orange, and that James bad to interfere. Whose part did he take ?" Tommy: "Whose part? He took the whole orange." Mus. BROWN: "That paper is a fraud." Mr. Brown: In what respect?" Mrs. Brown: "Why, here is a column about Proposals,' and it is all about building contracts and such tiresome things." LADY I wish to get a birthday present for my hmwmci." Shopman How long married ?" Lady: Ten years." Shopman All the bargains are on the right, madam." MARIE I aon't know whether I'd rather be hand- some or rich."Maude: Of course you don'c, having tried neither." THE man who woos and runs away Will never woo another day But he who kisses one girl may Be sure to kiss some more some day." PARTNER Are you aware the cashier has taken a half- interest in a yacht ?" The Confidential Adviser: ù. Perhaps we had better see he does not become a full-Ill-dged skipper." THE girl has just expressed her intention of resign- ing to be married. Well," said her employer, bitterly, if the young man needs a typewriter worse than I do, I suppose it is all right." He doesn't," she replied, promptly but he needs a housekeeper worse than you do a typewriter." MONSIEUR I>E FRANCE: "You wind up ze clock to make him go?" English Tutor: "Exactly." Mon- sieur de France: Zen what for you wind up ze business to make him stop?" On sighed the poetic lady, "had I the wings of a bird!" "Don't!" protested her husband. Don't wish for the wings of a bird. If you had them some other woman would probably be wearing them on her hat before the season is over." SHE: This is an awfully long play. Th" 118"D does not marry the heroine until the close of the fifth act. Five acts are too many." He: "But you forget that this is a modern love story, and the scene is laid in the present day. An author must make his play natural and true to life. Formerly love plays were quite short: but nowadays the men are so shy, from being hunted so much, that it takes the most attractive woman a long time to run a man down and capture him." TomlY: I'se got the toofache awfully." Visitor: You should have the tooth filled, Tommy." Tommy: I did have it filled. That's what makes it ache so." Visitor: I never heard of such a thing. Did you have it filled with gold?" Tommy: "No'm! Had it filled with sweets!" CLARA, you must dress better." Well, Harold, you told me to economise Yes, but I was mis- taken since you have been going shabby five men have refused to lend me money." MIRANDA (visiting city friends): My, here's her visitin' card." Miranda's Husband What does it say?" Miranda It says she's at home Thursdays. Wonder where she stops the rest of the time ?" MRS. PEPPER: You don't act much like it now, but when you proposed to me, you told me that you fell in love with meat first sight." Mr. Pepper And it was the truth. I certainly didn't have the gift of second sight, or I never would have done it." "No," said Mr. Cumrox, I don't think I shall ever try to run one of them orter-that is to say one of those there horseless carriages." It's not at all difficult," said his daughter. "Maybe it's not for some people. But I'd get my mind so tangled up tryin' to pronounce the thing's name that I'd be sure to let it run away with me." A CHANCE to snooze is what some lazy people con- sider a rousing good time. TOOTHSOME "But why did you want to draw me, Miss Dorothy ? Really, you flatter me!" Dorothy Our instructor told us to begin on something Bimple." I SEE villainy in your face," said a judge to a prisoner. May it please your honour," said the latter, that is a personal reflection." MOTHER (to Bobbie, in disgrace, returning from in- terview with father): My poor boy! Did it—hurt very much ?" Bobbie: Please, mummy, if you don't mind, we won't talk about it!" HE: If I stole 50 kisses from you, what kind of larceny would it be?" She: "I should call it grand." 1 TOM Isn't she a perfect angel ?" Dick: Well, yes and when she sat in front of me at the theatre one night I felt as if I'd like to clip her wings." A HArrr marriage," exclaimed the widow," is like a beautiful dream." "Why? Because people go into it with their eyes shut ?" asked the bachelor girl. ADALIH* When I marry I shall select a man who resembles an arc light." May Gracious! in what way?" Adaline: Not go out at night and never smoke." TOWSK The Greengages have lots of airs since they have had all that money left them." Elsie: Airs ? I should say so. Why, old Greengage has j purchased a piano-organ for his own amusement. t HUBBY Isabel, your new hat is absurd; it looks j just like a huge flower-bed." Wife: Well, you needn't get so excited, Edgar; you don t have to get up before daylight and pull weeds out of it. "WHERE," asked the female suffrage orator, would man be to-day were it not for woman ?" She paused a moment and looked around the hall. I repeat," she said, "where would man be to-day were it not for wo-an ?" "He'd be in the Garden of Eden eating strawberries," answered a voice from the gallery. UNTO the maiden of my heart By mail I did propose Then waited for what might turn up- Alas! it was her nose. TnE other day a little stenographer in a down-town office begged some workaen who were putting up a new telephone not to place it so high on the w they were doing. You see," she said, I have to use it as much as any one, and I am so short that I can hardly reach it." Oh, well, miss," said the humourist in chaigs of the work, "yea cad IIIÍII yoar votes, can't yoa V
AMERICAN HUMOUfL "JOSH BILLINGS" wrote: It isn't every one that knows enuff to stop when he gits thru. To leno yureseif, and others, too, iz the hight of h.iuian knolledge. Ir iz easier to git a friend than to keep one. t'oliteness makes all the other ackomplishments f zy nnd agreeable. Sudden welth seldum kums bi honesty. Most of cur politicians, and all of the political bosses, know t f: i s to be true. He who kan whissell one tune need never be en- t ri-iy lonesum. The strongest friendships I hav ever notissed hav i between thoze who thought differently but akted i.iike. It iz mighty onsertin what a lazy boy or a yung snaik will amount to. lie who iz afraid ov work iz a koward in every- thing else. I If yu are anxious to bekum famous, yu must be willing to be abuzed. Lies are not the only things that cum home to roost; all evil things do. The experience ov life haz taught me that tbare iz more happiness amung the lowly than amung the great. Honesty once lost may be recovered, but modesty never kan. Time is a great physician; it kures broken hartes, broken heds, and even broken crockery. I hav allwuss sed, and I stik to it yet, that he who repents ov a sin, iz a stronger and safer man than he who doesn't commit it. The slowest time on rekord iz skool time, and the fastest iz sparking time. If yu expekt to win with a lie, you hav got to play it quick. As to military occupation—Mildred," said her father, I am willing that the young lieutenant who comes here should make a coaling station of my house again this winter, but if ever he hints at annexation you may tell him I am unalterably opposed to it." CITIZEN (breathlessly): "Is Snapshot guilty ?" Court Officer: "I don't know." "Jury still out?" No. Jury's in." "Disagree?" "They agreed." "Eh? Grave a verdict ?" "Yes." Well, what was the verdict?" Guilty." Why in creation didn't you say so in the first place?" "Say what?" Guilty." You didn't ask me what the jury thought about it. You asked me if the man was guilty—a different thing altogether." MR. CITIMANN: To save my neck, I can't under- stand why the crowds at the ferries always have such a happy look." Mr. Suburb It's simple enough. After the day's work in the city, we're always glad to get out of it; and after eight or 10 hours in the country, we're always glad to get back." GEORGE: "Say. John: You've been married several years. How much does it cost a couple to live?" John: Hard to strike an ayerage, George. Sometimes it costs all I can rake and scrape and borrow, and sometimes hardly anything." "That's 'queer. How does that happen?" Sometimes we've got a girl, and sometimes we haven't." MRS. SLIMDIET Well, that fellow Longhead who talked about taking board here, is just about the most superstitious man I ever did hear of. He's actually afraid of ghosts." Maid Ghosts, is it ?" Mrs. Slimdiet: Yes he writes that he has changed. his mind about coming, because he's been told that half a dozen people have starved to death here." AMERICAN GIRL (after a proposal): If I should marry you, could I wear a crown ?" Foreign Nobleman: Oh, no." Well, I don't mean a crown exactly, but a coronet, or a sceptre, or something like that." N—o." Then what's the good of a title ?" Think of the palace you could live in, and the horses, and-" I have all that at home." Then there is the society—dukes and princes and—presen- tations at court—you know." I'd like that. But you'd always be with me, wouldn't you ?" Oh, yes." I forgot about that. I guess I won't ac- cept." THE BYSTANDER What are you taking off your hat for?" The Man at the 'Phone I'm talking to a lady." MAMMA." said the sweet youqg girl, I think Mr. Meadows loves me and is beginning to have serious intentions." What," the fond mother asked, has brought you to this opinion ?" He laughed heartily at one of papa's jokes last night." ONCE upon a time an American taunted an Eng- lishman. How can you endure to be taxed to sup- port your idle nobility ?" exclaimed the American, warmly. Then the American paid Sdols. a ton for his coal in order that the directors of the trust might procure dukes and things for sons-in-law. This fable teaches that there are almost as many ways of paying taxes as of dodging the same. HE (at breakfast): My dear, the paper says there was quite a fire in our block early this morning. It was supposed to have been incendiary. She: Well, don't Jet a little thing like thit worry you." He: Why, what do you mean ?" She Nobody will ever accuse you of building it." WILLIAMSON: "Dr. Squills seems to take life easy here of late." Henderson I should say he does. Three of his patients died last week." Boss: "I don't know [whether to discharge that new boy or raise his salary." Manager What has he been doing ? Boss He rushed in my private office this morning, and told me there was a man down stairs who would like to see me." Manager: Who was it ? Boss: A blind man." THE lawyer asked the witness if the incident alluded to wasn't a miracle, and the witness said he didn't know what a miracle was. Oh, come said the attorney. Supposing you were looking out of a window in the twentieth story of a building, and should fall out and should not be injured. What would you call that ?" An accident," was the stolid reply. Yes, yes; but what else would you call it? Well, suppose that you were doing the same thing the next day, and again should find yourself not injured, now what would you call that?" "A coin- cidence," said the witness. "Oh, come, now," the lawyer began again. Just suppose that on the third day you were looking out of the twentieth story window, and fell out, and struck your head on the pavement twenty stories below, and were not injured. Come, now, what would you call it?* "Three times?" said the witness, rousing a little from his apathy. Well, I'd call that a habit." And the lawyer gave it up. A PHILADELPHIA paper tells a funny story of the blizzard days of last winter in that city. A certain Mr. K. had over his dining-room a skylight which was burdened with a great weight of snow, and early one evening he took a snow-shovel and went up to remove it. He shovelled it off, and then it occurred to him that he would perform the same service for his next-door neighbour, whose dining-room lay side by side with his own, the construction of the two houses being alike. The inmate of the next house was a worthy widow, whom Mr. K. had never met, but with whom his wife was on calling terms. Mr. K. proceeded to a position from which he could, as he supposed, safely shovel off the snow, but in doing so he made a false step and got on the skylight. Crash went the glass, and down through the aperture went Mr. £ It chanced that his next door neighbour was just at this time eating her dinner. Mr. K. landed in a sitting posture in the middle of her table, surrounded by snow, broken glass and china, and capsized dishes of food, and still manfully brandishing nis snow shovel, The shovel told the story to the widow. Although somewhat disconcerted, she quickly regained her composure, recognised the neighbour whom she had seen pass her door, and exclaimed, politely: Oh, Mr. K., I am very glad youve called I I've often heard Mrs. K. speak of you I I CALLED on Ferkins last evening," remarked Mr. Brown. Did you have a pleasant time ? inquired Mrs. Brown. Very. Perkins was beating his wife when I came in." "What?" "I say Perkins waa beating his wife, but of course he stopped when I came in." Well, I should hope so." I begged1 him to go right on, but he said some other tima would do just as well." You begged him to go on?" "Why, yes, I didn't want to spoil toe fun, you know." Oh, you brute!' Eh?" Do you mean to say that you could have looked calmly oa while he beat his wife?" "Certainly. Why not ?" I thought you had at least a spark of maa- hood left. I suppose you will be beating me Dext." Yes, I think I could if you would play cribbega with me." Play cribbage ?" Yea. That is what: Perkins and his wife were doing." "Yen ttOMst Ihteg*"