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FUN AND FANCY.

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FUN AND FANCY. A CERTAIN newspaper has this in answer to a corro spondent: "We decline to acknowledge the receipt of your post-card." SHE: I thought you told me your salary was jE5 a week?" HE:" Oh, no; I said I earned £5, but I only get 30s." I SEE you have a glass eye, Pat." Yes, yer 'anner: but it's a swindle, sir. I can't see nuthing out of it." CORONER: "Yon say you told the servant to get out of the house the minute you discovered the fire, and she refused to go ?" Mrs. Burntout: Yes, sir; she said she must have a month's notice before she'd think of leaving." CUSTOMKR (at a restaurant): This steak is much smaller than the one I had yesterday." Waiter: Yessir came off a smaller hox." SIlE: "Am I the first girl you ever proposed to, darling?" He (sincerely): "No; but you .are the only girl who ever accepted me." • AUOB Oh, dear, it is so awfully hot. I know i look just like a boiled lobster, don't I?" Mabel: "Yes." Alice: You horrid, mean old thing." TIIRREis only one thing that is sa^d to be worsa than 1)ing caH( d upon unexpectedly to make an after-dinner speech—that is to prepare an after- dinner speech and not be asked to deliver it. HUSBAND "1 don't see why it, was nepessanr to. call the doctor whfch the baby had only a trifling cough." Wife Well, dear, I asked the doctor, and he said I did right." DAUGHTER: Mamma, if I must write to Mr. Bray about his extortionate bill, should I say, Dear Mr. Bray'?" Mamma: "Certainly, under the cir- cumstances." •«>•»- IF you put two persons in the same bedroom, one of whom has the toothache and the other is in love, you will find that the person who has the toathacho will go to sleep first. Isn't it curious? AN impudent youngster came very near getting his ears boxed the other night at a wedding party for wishing the bride "Many happy returns of the day." CUSTOMER: "These trousers don't sit quite right about the hips." Tailor: They're all right-what you need is something more in the pockets." MRS. PORCINE: "What a lovely rainbow that is 1"; Mrs. Chipbeef: Do you think so?" Mrs. Porcine: WThy, don't you ?" Mrs. Chipbeef: Oh, I dare- say it's all very well, but the colours are too loud for my taste." HE I am really surprised at Dr. White. After being our family doctor for years, and treating me for all sorts of things, and to think of all the money we've paid him, too She What has he He: He wouldn't pass me for the life insurance — company 1" NURSE (to young husband): "A beautiful ten-pound baby, sir!" Young Husband (getting things mixed in his excitement): "Glorious I Am I a father or a mother ?" MAGISTRATE: "Why didn't you answer te your name ?" Vagrant: Beg pardon, jedgo, but I forgot wot name I gave las'night." Magistrate: "Didnt you give your own name ?" Vagrant: No, jedge„ I'm travellin' incog." BIGGs: Hurry up and put away those medicine' bottles." Mrs. Biggs: "What's the matter, dear?-" Biggs The life insurance agent is coming." CALLER: Is your mistress in ?" Maid: Did you see her at the window as you came up the Caller: "No." Maid II Well, she said if you hadn't. seen her to say that she was out." IF you don't do something on this bill before th. 15th, I intend to sue you." "Aht And will yom permit me to recommend Sharpe and Steele? I re- ceive a percentage on all they get out of me." son," said the irate parent, I am surprised, mortified, and amazed to find that you stand at the foot of the class. I can hardly believe it possible:" Why, father," replied the son, it is the easiest thing in the world. BOBBT I s'pose pa knows I stole the peaches ?" Mother: "Yes, he knows it." Bobby: "And I s'pose he'll whip me?" Mother: "Yes, child, I ex- pect so." Bobby: "Well, ma, don't you think we made a great mistake in marryin' pa ?" EMINENT SPECIALIST Yes, madam, your hus- band is suffering from temporary aberration, due to overwork. The form of his mania is quite common. Wife: Yes; he insists that he is a millionaire. Eminent Specialist And wants to pay me £100 for my advice. We'll have to humour him, yoa know." CLARA:" Mr. Softerley paid me a great compli- ment yesterday. He said I grew more beautiful every day." Maude: Well, practice makes perfect, you know." "I AM afraid that man who aspires to your hand is too weak-kneed to make you a good hush»nd," said he-rfather. "Oh, papa, he's not that I He's held me on them for hours at a time TRAMP: Beg pardon, sir, can you help a poop man ? I've lost my voice, and now I'm out of work." Old Gentleman Out of work because you lost your voice Are you a singer?" Tramp:" No, sir; I sells fish." A YOUNG lawyer talked;four hours to a jury, who feifc ■ like lynching him. His opponent, a grizzled old pro- fessional, arose, looked sweetly at the judge, and i said Your honour, I will follow the example of my young friend who has just finished, and submit the case without argument." Then he sat down, and the silence was large and oppressive. AUNT DOROTHY How many Commandments are there, Johnny?" Johnny (glibly): "Ten." Aunt Dorothy: And now, suppose you were to break one of them ?" Johnny (tentatively) "Thenthere'd be nine." DAWLEY (to the house agent): I thought you said there was a charming view from the front windows ? Why, thre are only houses to be seen." House Agent: So there is a charming view, sir. In the house opposite lives the most beautiful widow 1011 ever clapped eyes on, and she's always at the window." To some pungent remarks of a professional brother, an American barrister commenced his reply as follows May it please the Court, resting on the couch of Republican equality as I do, covered with the blanket of constitutional panoply as I am, and protected by the regis of American liberty as I feel myself to be, I despise the buzzing of the profes- sional insect who has just sat down, and defy hit futile attempts to penetrate, with his puny sting, the interstices of my impervious covering." A MIDDLB-AGED woman called at an insurance office of a provincial town a day or two ago to announce that she wanted to insure her house. For how much ?" asked the agent. Oh, "Ve well. I'll come up and investigate it." "I donfc krtow1 much about insurance," she said. It's very plain, ma'am." If I'm insured for£2QO and the house is burnt down, I get the money, do I P" Certainly." And they don't ask who set it afire ? Oh, but they do. We shall want to know all about it." Then you needn't come up," she said, as she C rose to go. I heard there was some catch about it somewhere, and now I see where it is." TOURIST (looking back upon a difficult bit of moun- tain path he had just traversed): Ugh! that's as ugly a bit of dangerous climbing as I've even been over. There must have been a lot of accidents there. Why don't they put up a notice board to the effect that it's dangerous ?" Guide There was an accident there once, sir, and they put up a notice at the entrance to the pass; but as nobody else came and fell down the chasm, they did away with the board." So you have got a wife," said Gibbs, to a newly- married man. I don't know—don't know," replied the man, with evident hesitation. "Sometimes I think I've got her, and sometimes I think she's got me. You see, I've only been married a few months, and I can't tell just yet how the combination is going to turn out." MRS. SUARPTONQUE D'ye mean t' say you've been married 10 years, an' never had a quarrel with yV husband ?" Fair Stranger: "That is true, madam." And ye always let him have the last word?" Yet, < ipadam I wouldn't for the world do anything to lessen my husband's love for me. He might get careless." "Careless?" "Yes. We are Juggler. by profession, and at two performances every day r stand against a board while he throws the knives." •(. GERMAN professors are proverbially absent- minded, but none of them more so than Profeasor -<?' Dusel, of Bonn. He noticed one^day his wife placing a large bouquet on his desk, What does all that mean ?" he asked. Why, this is the anniversary of your marriage," replied Mrs. Dusel. Is that so? Well, let me know when yours comes round, and III '• reciprocate." HOTEL CLERK There's a newspaper inan who has been stopping with us during the week, and he has just called for his bill. If we are liberal with him, perhaps he will give us a good notice." Land- lord A capital idea. Tell him there will be J1() charge." Clerk: Yes, sir." Landlord (calling clerk back): "Anybody with him?" Clerk:" Ye8 sir; his wife- -Landlord: v All right; chiurgo her double rates. IN a primary school the teacher undertook to convey to her pupils an idea of the 088 of the hyphen. She wrote on the black-board bird's-nest," and ( pointing to the hyphen, asked the school, What is that for ? After a short pause, a young son of the Emeral Isle piped out, Please, ma'am, for the bird to roosht on." MISS GLADYS: You appeared very abruptly with your errand awhile ago. You must not come}lf) suddenly into the room when Mr. Smithers is spend- ling the evening with me." Bridget: "Suddentt And is it suddent you call it, me at the kay-hol# full three-quarthers of an hour N .1 .'l '5 (n: ■■ —- 1 •

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