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FACTS AND F ACETIÆ. j AN old lady being asked to subscribe for a news- paper, declined, on the ground that when she wanted news she manufactured it herself. A TEETOTAL paper in a recent number explains the mystery of the apple that Eve partook of-it con- tained alcohol. "I NEVER knew but one woman," said Sir Robert Walpole, "whom I could not bribe with money It was Lady S-, and she took diamonds." IT is a base temper in mankind that they wi 1 l not take the smallest slight at the hands of those who have done them the greatest kindness. SAWDUST pills would effectually cure many of the diseases with which mankind are afflicted, if every individual would make his own sawdust. A PUBLIC speaker should never lose sight of the thread of his discourse like a busy needle, he always should have the thread in his eye. "All flesh is grass," sighed Spongers, after dinner one day, and immediately added, Of all grass give me a plump grass widow." HAIR AT LAW.—A woman in Chicago, on visiting her husband's office and discovering long hairs in Lis hair-brush, has sued for a divorce. A DRAPER'S assistant, in recommending a dress piece to a lady, said, Madam, it will wear for ever, and make a petticoat afterwards." A LAWYER, engaged in a case, tormented å witness so much with questions, that the poor fellow at last cried for water. "There," said the judge, "I thought you'd pump him dry." A TIPSY fellow, who mistook a globe lamp with letters on it for the queen of night, exclaimed, I will be blest if somebody hain't stuck an advertisement oni the moon." BLOCKHEAD.—There is one advantage in being a blockhead you are never attacked with low spirits. „ The moment a man can be worried he ceases to be a fool. A SCOTCHMAN asked an Irishman, Why are farthings coined in England 1" Pat's answer was, To give Scotchmen an opportunity of subscribing to charit- able institutions." THE poor creatures at Epsom on the Derby Day gave a loud cheer for the sun when he accidentally made his appearance. The flattery had no effect upon the retiring gentleman. A SPANISH gentleman, studying English, being f at a tea-party, and desiring to be helped to some sliced tongue, and in doubt as to the term, hesitated a at a tea-party, and desiring to be helped to some sliced tongue, and in doubt as to the term, hesitated a moment, and then said, "I will thank you, miss, to pass me that language." WHEN you see an old man amiable, mild, equable, content, and good-humoured, be sure that in his youth he was just, generous, and forbearing. In his end he does not lament the past nor dread the future. He is like the evening of a fine day. A YOUNG barrister, returning thanks for the juniors at a circuit dinner one day, said Gentlemen, whilst I on the part of my compeers thank you for the ( honour you have done us, I cannot conceal from myself the fact that when we shall be rising in our professions, you will be rotting in your graves." Is it, asks the London Review, becoming habitual to aspirate the first syllable of the word honourable ? Because we now frequently observed in parliamentary reports the expression "A Hon. Member." This has occurred of late so often that it can hardly be accidental; so we suppose it is now the thing to speak of honourable members." THE latest style of Baltimore is called the "revenue cutter," and consists of a two-cent, internal revenue stamp, worn on the head and tied under each ear with at horsehair. It presents a very pretty 4 appearance at a distance, and must be very comfortable at this season of the year. WHY don't you wheel that barrow of coals, •• Ned ? said a learned miner to one of his sons. It's not a very hard job, there is an inclined plane to relieve you." "Ah," replied Ned, who had more relish for wit than work, the plane may be inclined, but hang me if I am." ) A PRIEST was called upon to pray over the barren fields of his parishioners. He passed from one inclosure to another, and pronounced his benediction until he came to a most unpromising case. He surveyed the sterile acres in despair. Ah said he, brethren —no use to pray here-this needs manure." A COPPER CRISIS" is said to exist in Florence. Gold and silver had already disappeared from general circulation, and were replaced by notes, but very recently the copper coin, previously abundant, has suddenly become scarce, the dearth arising, it is supposed, from speculation or from hoarding. Great inconvenience has naturally resulted—especially to the beggars. A STORY is told of a good woman from Botley who visited the place in London where it was said chickens were hatched and reared without hens. She was shown some drawers lined with cotton, where the eggs was kept warm with artificial heat. Turning away with great disgust, she exclaimed, "Is that all-hatching chickens out of eggs ? Who could not hatch chickens out of eggs ? We do it every day in Hampshire. OAK'S DAY: HOMAGE TO HIPPIA. By a Cockney. (Which lie backed her at eights.)— Oh, joy for the Baron the Oaks wasn't run Two days before, when the ground was slippier: King Tom be the toast, now his daughter has won, With nine times nine for Miss Hiphiphippia! |1 —Sunday Times. MORE CHICKENS THAN EGGS.—A STRANG: 4. story is toM about an egg merchant at one of the Paris [ markets. Having been indisposed for several days, he kept his warehouse at a high temperature, at the recom- i mendation of his doctor. A morning or two ago he was awoke by a strange noise, and on jumping up, he saw on the floor about 150 little chickens, which had been hatched by the heat, while the floor was strewed with egg shells. A LIVE "SUBJECT."—A man sitting one v evening in an alehouse, thinking how to get provisions for the next day, saw a fellow dead drunk upon the opposite bench. Do you not wish to get rid of this sot?" said he to the landlord. "I do, and half-a- crown shall speak my thanks," was the reply. Agreed," said the other "get me a sack." A sack 1 was procured and put over the drunken guest. Away trudged the man with his burden, till he came to the door of a noted resurrectionist, at whose door he knocked. "Who's there" said a voice from within. "I have brought you a 'subject," replied the man so come, quick, give me my fee." The money was immediately paid, and the sack with its contents deposited in the surgery. The motion of quick walking had nearly recovered the poor victim, who, before the other had been gone two minutes, endeavoured to extricate him- self from the sack. The purchaser, enraged at being thus outwitted, ran after the man who had deceived him, collared him, and cried out, Why, you dog, the man's alive Alive said the other so much the better; kill him when you want him." CONUNDRUMS.— Why do honest ducks dip their heads under water ?— To liquidate their little bills. When is a storm like a fish after a hook ?—When it is going to abate (a bait). Why is London like the letter E ?—Because it is the capital of England. Why are people who stutter not to be relied on ?— Because they are always breaking their ivord. Why would people older than yourself make good feeding for cattle -Because they are past your age (pasturage). Why are wives who mend their children's clothes after the rest of the family are in bed, like the enemy I mentioned in the parable ?—Because they sew tears while their husband men sleep. ]