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-------------------THE CONSERVATIVE…


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FACTS AND F ACETIlE. MODERN majesty consists in work. What a mILD can do is his greatest ornament, and he always consults his dignity by doing it. WHY are good husbands like dough? Because women need them. WHY is an auger-hole, when made too deep* like a man in the water ? Because it is over-bored. IT was a pointed remark of Franklin's when he said, If a wife is only half the scissors, she is often the half with the point." A YOUNG man who was crossed in attempted suicide recently by taking a dose of }'e3's powder. He immediately rose above his troubles. NETS AND CAGES.—The reason why so marriages are happy is because young ladies spend time in making nets, not in making cages. I 11 ROSE, my dear," said a mother to daughter, if you are so stiff and reserved you will get a husband." Ma," replied the young W' ,i unless the poets tell fibs, a prim-Rose is not with"11 attraction." MRS. PARTINGTON eaid she did not marry second husband because she loved the male sex, but Jus because he was the size of her first protector, and cou wear out his old clothes. 'I A COUNTRYMAN who was charged with gallons of whiskey, which a publican put in an eig^, gallon keg, said he didn't mind money over-chargtd, so much as he did the strain on the keg." THE sporting tendency of the Parisians has bee I manifested in the Bourse doings, as they hoist the bers now (prices of funds and shares') in a central sp of the Bourse, in a similar way to hoisting the num"e ■ t on a racecourse. THE court physician, Dr. Warren {Anna Reg&W was courtly, skilful, and witty. It was to him > j Lady Spencer remarked how bitter must be the refl tion of medical men when they thought of a patient ^1 would not have died but for the medical treatmeU' Nay, my lady," sail Warren, gaily, there is a g1*^ balance of satisfaction; I hope to save you 40 times p fore I kill you once." THE POWER OF ORTHOGRAPHY AND PUNCTtT" TIO.N.-The husband of a pious woman having occasioll to make a voyage, his wife sent a written request to the, minister of the parish; but instead of spelling an pointing it properly, viz., A person having gone tosff< his wife desires the prayers of the congregation, spelled and pointed it as follows: A person, havi 8 gone to see his wife, desires the prayers of the congreg:a tion." A SAILOR, calling upon a Liverpool goldsmith* asked him what might be the value of an ingot of S as big as his arm. The shopkeeper beckoned him a back room, and primed him with grog. He then to see the ingot. Oh said Jack, "I haven't got it yet, but I'm going to Californy, and would like to kno"¡ the value of such a lump before I start." The jeweuer started him out of the shop. A DELICATE advertisement appears in a French paper :—" A person who has inherited consumption her ancestors desires to sell her fortune for an She may be visited by medical men to testify to the truth of the assertion." It is pretty clear she has so hope of getting the best of the bargain, and more f-it, in herself than the decision of doctors. The worf" >_ wisdom of the lady is quite in accord with the doing3 0 Young France. A WORD ON AsSES.-But the ass! Weil, the ass is one of those wise creatures who in this stiperflolll world often pass for fools. Titania, the queen of falrle, with truer insight, fell in love with his head on Bottoff- body. He is a fool, certainly, but like the fool at Astley who is always the cleverest fellow in the compa^' When decently treated, he is full of humour and prank''• And then, after all, he is an oppressed specimen. Those who want to see him in his glory should go to see the wild asses in Jardin d'Acclimatation at Pari1; Once a Week. A PROLIFEROUS Top.-A French top-maker who exhibits in the Paris Exhibition winds up fout pages of small print in laudation of his goods with following peroration, by which it will be? seen that thij excellent toy-manufacturer has a regard for the menta': as well as physical improvement of his customers Lastly, the proliferous top is not only an attrletil's toy, an agreeable pastime, it. is also a healthy and IJ1' structive exercise, for the reason that it provokes in a certain measure a material and intellectual work, importance of which may not be perceived at first sigh by shallow minds, but which, nevertheless, will have Its influence on the physical and moral development of the child. Moreover, this toy is the ingenious work of learned physician, who has travelled in various countrie&> and who has for a long time meditated on the causes effects which have the most influence on human organ; sation with regard both to health and intelligence. Surely nothing can go beyond this, and the visitor to the Paris Exhibition who shall return to England without laying in a large stock of the proliferous tops, for improvement, materially and intellectually, of his you» £ friends, must be a very heartless fellow indeed. A HOG IN Hoops.-The Vergennes Vermont tells the following ludicrous story :-A few days since (j, lady residing in the eastern part of the State having just. returned from an evening's entertainment, hearing a noise on the back stoop—a long and very narrow oae-" she stepped out to ascertain the cause. At the furthfir- end she discovered the intruder in the shape of a good' sized hog. She at once assumed a belligerent attitude and commenced screaming" Whee whee The hog) took the alarm, and made for the door, and, discovering the largest space to be between the lady's two feet, pitched for that, and she instantly assumed a horizontal position and movement for the door. But to prevent a premature elopement she caught hold of a post and bt" hoops caught the hog. His swineship found himself ilt, once incarcerated in hoops. Then came the struggle-a woman's determination against a hog's' will—a cont^ not unequal, but as persistent as it was ludicrous. Tile noise brought the lady's good mother to the scene, but. what could she do ? Although the squealing of the pig and the positive assertion that she should be killed", was hard for a fond mother to hear without lending assistance, a compromise was unavoidable, and, to effect this, the hoops were unfastened, and away went his ship, arrayed in his new attire, much to the annoyance of the poor beast, but the amusement of hundreds of persons. WE extract the following from the Athenseum — American papers apprise llS that Madame Parepa-Rosl (such is now the lady's style and title) is so brilliantly. successful in opera, and in such universal request therep that she has no intention of returning to the" Old Country this year. The journalists cut capers inhere behalf, as ecstatically as they did before the triumphil car of Mdlle. Jenny Lintl. Ours is the day of acrosticsi single and double ftcetit. are thrown off, it hal w been whispered, in no place less august and dim thai* the Cave of Adullum. Thus we need not be rated les5 than severe and classical because we quote the following nonsense from a Neiv, York paper E nchantress thou of song t sweet P hilcmel, the gods .t TLLGG U ndarken'd be thy sky, good. A ngels guard and be ever neaR, i ours from thy charmed throat a. R ill of song-a rill. say I' ri ow -poor the term a flood! and E cho's voice prolong^ the charM, R egina thou of hearts, and P aragon of art, true Prima DonnA* O lympus greets its Priestess, and A polio wreaths doth ( blenD' S ister of the Muses theirs thy R ealm when from dost 90 Y etniaystTiOsec/icriV.vvithm this 0 rb—to witch us- long remark > N oon-splendid as thy voice, oh S yren, Fate shine 'i o'er thy mortal spawns; E arth's chiefest bliss be thine A Imoner of Music's 11 joys, oh, fair Ptrep-A.

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----__------_-REJECTED LOVE…

-------------FATAL OUTRAGE…