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FACTS AND FACETXiE. 0 Why is the letter A amphibious ?—Because it is found both in land and water. Why is a man who squints like a needle that can not be threaded ?—Because his eye fs defective. Why are bankrupts more to be pitied than idiots 2- Because bankrupts are broken, while idiots are only cracked. Can a man keep his feet dry when he has a creak in his boots P Why is a French franc of no value compared with an American dollar ?—Because it is wortli-less. A confirmed toper was bothered how to honour his birthday. A brilliant idea Btruck him. He kept sober. A drunkard, upon hearing that the earth was round, said that accounted for his rolling about so muoh. An old lady being asked to subscribe for a news- paper, declined, on the ground that when she wanted news nhe manufactured it. A man recently wrote to a shoemal-,er: C,u(I me a pair of esq. Toad Shooze." A quaker, in business in Philadelphia, disliking the "Esq." to his name, advised a correspondent to direct his letters to him without any tail, and received a supply superscribed, "Amos Smith, without any tbil, Philadelphia!" A man advertises for competent persona to under- take the sale of a new medicine, and adds," thllot it will be profitable to the undertaker." We have no doubt that it will. { Good Advice.—An exoited father called in grea.t haste on Dr. Abernethy, and exolaimed, in an excited manner, "Doctor! doctor! my boy has swallowed a mouse! Then go home," quietly replied the doctor, and tell him to swallow a cat! An advertiser in one of the papers says ho has a cottage to let, containing eight rooms and an acre of land. An Irishman once ordered a painter to draw hia picture, and to represent him standing behind a tree. If I want a statue of myself, why should I be foolish to present a sculptor with the marble for the work ? Because if I did, he would be sure to chisel me out of it! The following definition of the rights of woman is given in a. Vermont paper: To love her lord with all her heart, and her baby as herself—and to make good bread." Jack, did you carry that umbrella horrn I bor- rowed yesterday F" "No, father, you have often told me to lay up something for a rainy day; and as I thought it would rain before long, I have laid tb.o umbrella up." "Did you take the note, and did you see Mr. Thompson, Jack? "Ees, sir." And how was he ? Why, he looked pretty well, but he's very blind." Blind! what do you mean P Why, while I war ( in the room he axed me where my hat wur, and I'm blessed if it wur not on my head all the while." A Prompt Reply.—A little boy some eix year" ( old, was using his slate and pencil on the Sabbath, when his father, who was a clergyman, entered and said, "My son, I prefer that you should not ose yonr j slate on the Lord's-day." "I'm making meeting- houses, father," was the prompt reply. The wicked editor of the Springfield Republican says this Garters with diamond buckles are worn with the new hoops in Paris, It is impossible not to sea that they are not introduced here yet." A German writer says a young girl is a fishing" rod, the eyes are the hook, the smile the baifc, to" lover the gudgeon, and the marriage the batter ill which he is fried. We wonder what English girls will say of this German idea. A Head Centre.-Herod's wife is said to have been like a Fenian organisation, because she had a j head sent her (head centre). A would-be prophet down South lately said, j one of his sermons, that he was sent to redeem th" world and all things." Whereupon one of his audience pulled out a Confederate shinplaster, and asked him to fork over the specie for it. Judy Bralegan, having been requested to open some oysters, after knocking them about for some time, exclaimed "Upon my conscience, but they are mighty hard to peel! A poor man once came to a miser and said, 1 have a favour to ask." So have I," said the miser, "grant mina first." "Agreed." "My request is, said the miaer, "that you ask me for nothing." Piano, Con Espressione.-(" Alderman Sidney said it was out-Heroding Herod.Times' report of the Court of Aldermen,) That ain't ow it's spelt now-the usual mess j You makes of our Haldermen, gents of the press !— Which I chanced to drop in, and, I give you my word, Hout-Erarding Erard distinctly I eard. Billiiigsgafe. I No^Pity for Constant Complainers—Oh dear! Bighed a young field-mouse to the squirrel; j I am so sorry, so sad!" What's the matter ? asked the squirrel, stopping short in a run. "TbfLt poor wood-pigeon—it goes to my heart to hear her; jusy listen to her plaintive accents; how mournful, how footing Ha! ah! ah laughed the squirrel, wer. rily, don't fret yourself; when you've lived in the woods as long as I have you'll know better. I used to pity her myself once (and it's not in my way to make troubles either), but I have found out that complaining is just a trick of hers, and that whether she's happY or miserable, she has but one note; so I never concern myself about her." Clever Rats.-An amusing dodge of some rats at one of the minor theatres is related. The man who j had charge of the lamps, fineing that his oil had diminished very rapidly, watched for the supposed J thief. After waiting in silence for about an hour, about a dozen rats successively made their appear- ance. Some six or eight mounted on each other3 backs, so as to enable one to reach the top of the oil- can. The orifice was very small, but the uppermost rat introduced his tail into the oil, and descending, allowed his accomplices^ to lick the oil whioh tha tail j had imbibed. The tale is literally a strange one, but the truth of it is affirmed by the Epoque. A :Refrigerator.- An American paper says coolest specimen ef impudence of modern times IS a recent speech of the bottled hero of Big Bethel (Batler), who declares that he waa impoverished by the late rebellion! This declaration can be guaran- teed as a capital substitute for ice. Let all who read r it cut it carefully out of their newspaper and use it as a refrigerant where ice is not to be had. We have pasted the speech up in our office, which has a Southern exposure, and we expect to wear winter clothes and keep up a fire during the summer months, if it remain where it now ia. Cunning Son.—" Jacob," said a father, yester- day I forbade you associating with the neighbour's children any more, and to-day you have disobeyed fas; The next time I catch yeu there I shall punish you. The next day Jacob was there again, totally oblivious to the interdiction, till he saw his father enter the neighbour a yard with a rod in hIS nand. jaooomau" for the fence, over which he leaped, pursued by his father, and ran home there he was caught. Now, my son," said the irritated father, what did I tell you I would do, yesterday? You told me, father, that if you caught me there again you would punish me." Well." Hold on, father," said the little reprobate, who knew that if he could make his father laugh the matter would be all right; "you didn't catch me there, you catched me here! The desired effect was produced, and the rod was dropped. Wife's Commandments.-I. Thou shalt have no other wife bat me. 2. Thou shalt not take into thy < J house any beautiful brazen image of a servant girl to bow down to her and serve her; for I am a jealous wife, visiting, &o. 3. Thou shalt not take the name- of thy wife in vain. 4. Remember thy wife to keap her respectably. 5. Honour thy wife's father and mother. 5. Thou shalt not fret. 7. Thou shalt aot find fault with thy dinner. 8, Thou shalt not chew tobacco. 9. Thou shalt not ba behind thy neighbour. 10. Thou shalt not visit the rum tavern; thou shalt not covet the tavern-keeper's rum, nor his brandy, not his wine, nor anything that is behind the bar of the rum-seller. 11. Thou shalt not visit the billiard-hall. And the 12th commandment is, Thou shalt not stay out later than nine o'clock at niBht.

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