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.'--AGRICULTURE. ---+-

HINTS UPON OABDsisnisrQ. ------








FACTS AND FACETI2E. The musician who can make his hearers forget time may be excused for not keeping it. A Paradox.—When a shoemaker is ing to make a boot, the first thing he usas is the last. A fashionable party is now ealled a daughter- cultural show." When is literary work like smoke? When it comas in volumes. A gentleman who had borrowed money of all his friends, at last applied to an old Quaker, who said, a< Friend Fordyce, I have known several persons ruined by two. dica; and I will take care not to be ruined by Fourdice, Sententious Epitaph in a Rustic Cemetry: Tho rottin, not forgotten." At what time should an innkeeper visit an iron- foundry ?—When he wants a Lav-maid. Why is a cat going up three flights of stairs like a big hill ? Beoaase she ia a mounfivu Why is a piece of sterile ground like a certain toilet article ?—Beoausa it's bare soil (bear's oil). "John, can you tell me the difference between attraction of gravitation and attraction of cohesion ? —"Yes, sir," said John. "Attraction gravitation pulls a drunken man down, and the attraction cohesion prevents his getting up again." # Dr. Johnson's definition of a note of admiration (!) made on the moment is very neat "I see—I see—I know not what, I see a dash above a dot, Presenting to my contemplation A perfect point of admiration. M. About, in a recent publication, saya of an avaricious man, that, it had been prove. that, after having kindled his fire, he stack a cork m the end of the bellows to save the littlo wind that waa left in them." Well, uncle, do yon see any Particulail difference in neighbour Pearoa since he joined the Church ?" Oh, yes," was the reply,, a. great difference. Before, when he went out into his garden on Sunday, he car- ried garden tools on his shoulder, now he carries them under his overcoat. Bitter.—It seems, from the issue of a recent trial in Paris, that a matrimonial agency which had a negress to marry on their books, used to announce the fact thus: A ne,gro lady to marry, with a fortune of two millions and a half franca." The nibbles at the black one were not many, and he who bit was finally bitten. A young man advertises for a place as a sales- man, ana says he has had a great deal of experience, having been discharged from seven situations within the year. A lady, commending the manners of a gentleman of her acquaintance, said, He is a paregr4m of polite- ness. "Parallelogram, madam, you mean," said a wag, sitting next to her. Ah, yes, parallelogram, I should have said," replied the lady. Stamped Antelopes."—A would-be gentleman, tha other day, called at the Post-office, and displayed hIS Ignoranoe of natural history or the French language, or both, by requesting to be supplied with. 3 stsycapesi antelope 1 There is a legend that, one day, a woman went to Brigham Young for counsel, touching some alleged oppression by an officer of the church. Brigham, like a true politician, assumed to know her but, when it became necessary ta record her case, hesitated, and said, Let me see, sister, I forget your name." My name!" was the indignant reply, why, I am your wife P' "When did I marry you?" The woman in- formed the "President," who referred to an account- book in his desk, and then said: Well, I believe you are right. I kneiv your face was familiar!" No Action.—It was once ruled in an action for libel, brought by a clergyman against a pamphleteer, that to call a lawyer a fool was actionable, because one could not be a fool without being a bad lawyer; but that the same term applied to a clergyman was not actionable, since a man might be a fool and yet a very good parson. A Sharp Retort.-Two lawyers, one of whom had grey hair, and the other, though just as old a man as his learned friend, had hair which looked sus- piciously black, had some altercation about some question of practice, in which the gentleman with the dark hair remarked to his opponent, at the same time looking at the barrister's grey head, A person at your time of life, sir, ought to have had long enough experience to know what is customary in such cases." "Tea, sir," was the reply; "you may stare at my grey hair if you like. My hair will be grey as long as I live, and yours will be black as long as you dye." A young man, having entertained a tender pasaios for a young woman, felt such insurmountable diffidence as to prevent his ever disclosing the, samEI' to the fair empress of his heart, and resolved on an expedient which would bring the business to an issue. He went to the parish clerk, and requested that the banns of marriage might be published. When the publication was brought to the youag woman's oars, she was filled with astonishment, and went to him, to vent her resentment. He bore the sally with fortitude, observing that if she did not think proper to have him, she could just go to the church and forbid the banns. After a moment's pause, she took- counsel with her anger, and said, As it has been dene, it is pity that the fee should be thrown away! The following poem on incontrovertible con- taia no vowel but O 5° monk good to rob-, or cog, or plot, No fool so groas to bolt Scotch coliops hot. From Donjon top% no Gronoeko rolls. Logwood, not lotos, floods Oporto's bowls. Troops of old tosspots oft to sot cossort. Box tops odd sohoolbeys oft do flog for sport No cool monsooas blow soft on Oxford dons, Orthodox, jog-trot, book-worm Solomons! Bold Ostrogoths of ghosts no horror show. On London shop-fronts no hop-blossoms grow. To crocks of gold no dodo loøks for food. On soft cloth footstools no old fox doth brood. Long storm-tost sloops forlorn work on to port,. Rooks do not roost on spoons,, nor wood cooks sssst' Nor dog on snowdrop or on coltsfoot rolls, Nor eommon frog concocts long protocols." Artemus Ward among the Fenians, with the Showman's Observation on Life)" is the title of a tiny work just introduced. Some parts of it are very droll. The humour is not of a very subtle or large kind, btit- there is a frolicsome extravagansa in it which makes 03Q laugh. It is not everyone who would venture ts' put together such rubbish, bat then if it is rubbishifs- is-good rubbish, instance the following. It was late when I got home. The children and my wife was all-abed, Bnt a candle-a eandia made from taller of our, own raisin'-gleamed in Betsy's room; it gleamado for, 1, All was still. The eweefc silvery moon was a shinin bright, and the boa"&tiftil ststrs waq up to their' usual doins! I felt a sentymental mood so gently ore me stealing I paweed before Betsy's winder, and sung", in a kind of op'ratie vois, as foilerg,, impromtoo, tOr wit Wake, Bessy, wake, My sweet galoot! Rise up fair lady, While I toueh my luie i The winder-I regret to say that the winder went np with a violent crash, ani- a form robed in spot- less white exclaimed, I Cum into the house, you old fool. To morrer you'll be goin' round eomplainin" about your liver'' I sot up & spell by the kitchen fire rea,din' Lewis Napoleon's 'Life of Julius Cæsar: What a reckless old cuss he was I Yif; Lewis picture,, him in glowin cullers, Cssaar mada it lively for the boys in Gaul, didn't he? He alewed one million of citiaens, male and female-CAuls and Gaulusaes—and then he sold another million of 'em into slavery. He continnered this cheerful stile, of thing for sum time, when one day he was 'sassinated in Rome by sum high- toned Roman genl'men, led on .by Mr. Brutas. When old Bruty inserted his knife into him, Csesar admitted., that be was gone up. His f uneral was a great success, the house bein' crowded to its utmost capacity. Ten minutes after the doors we:re opened the ushers had, to pat up cards on which waa printed 'Standin' Boom Only.' I went to bed at last. Aed eo,' I said, I thoc- hast no ear for swwet melody ?' A silvery snore was., my only answer. Betsy slept." Artemus Ward, however, is not the only bidder for fame in putting forth drolleries. There is a book, come out called Josh Billings, His Book of Sayings." He seta at defiance all rules of spelling, and adopts a style of his own, which of course will appear chSldisn. and frivolous to those people who cannot "take a.. joke." Josh takes Fashion a,s his theme, and,, thus discourses upon it:—"Fashion is So compound mixtur ov much taiat and sum vanitse. The taist that is into it saives it from ridikule. Fashun iz just az nesesaara tu govern men and wim.min with az givil law; in fack, menny folks wud ruther brake a statu than tu ware a cut tale tu short, or a bnnnett to obtuze. Exsen- trisity iz one thing and fashun iz anuther thing. Wo haint got no more rite tu laff at fashun than we hav tu laff at vittels. What a man or woman eats if it iz well cooked iz all rite, and what tha. ware, if it iz well cooked ia ditto. After fashuns- have had their da then is tha time ta despize, them; just so it iz with vittels-cold vittela for in- stanze. Nobody iz tn blame for old fashung. If our grate grandmother shud meet our present mother, both ov. them dressed in the tashun ov their respektit daze, tha wud go tu kalling each other old foals, and we should stan by and Offer tu bet on it. If evry boddy had a fashun ov their own it wud make az. mutch trabble az a ahm plaster kurreney. Them that sett the fashun aught tu be vartuous and big minded,, bekauze the morals ova people are just about az much inSooensed by Mahun az tha are by jeligun. In them daze, when tha had no partiklar fashun tha didn't hav partik-lar enny thing else. It iz more evidense ov- vanitee to rtsjek fashun than it ia tu, adopt it. Evra, boddy more or lessly hankers after fashun. Fashun makes the poo? ambishus and it makes the rich affabii; K ^1.^ vartuous cheerful, and ife makes the nutnbiy kind ov handsosie, and1 there iz no reason shnd make tho modest bold, enny more than elegense shud make the bntiful wioked. There has alwus bin wolfs in sheeps clothing, and fashua will okasionally be used for the same purpis, but that aint enny reason why mutton arnt good, nor why fashun shud be hipokrasy. Beksuze sum peopil are slaves tu fashun only proves its. power, and yu will find that theze who are its slaves are ginerally free from moat ov the big sius that humin natur iz subjeo tu. The big minded and the n&ble adopt fashun just az tha du enny other proper knatom, simpla bekause it iz the fashun. It is tra that sum ov the fashuna are absurd, and it is tru that sum ov the vartues are absurd also. If a fashun kant be made tu square itself tu the rules ov either good cense or good taiat, it aint fashun, it is consait. A grato menny folkes ced that whoops was a failure, but tha held their own and grew nisely; tha are realy evrathing in a hot da. I shud like tu set in one all thru, Juli and August, a feller wud be as cook as a dog's nose in a wire muzzle. The essa is thru." ——

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