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FACTS AND FACErplM. —♦— The soldier in war and the farmer in peace alike win their triumphs in the field. Economy with Elegance. Cobbling white satin shoes. What sort of a day would be a good one for Running for a cup ?"-A muggy day. All authors should be gardeners. They would then know how to use the pruning knife. A doctor, who stammers, says that to patient you should try a hip-hip bath. It should be remembered that a bare assertion is not necessarily the naked truth. He who carries musical compositions in his hat puts on airs whenever be walks out. An old field-officer says that the two most things to be avoided are masked batteries and maeke" balls. "True love never did run smooth," as the lovet said when the father of his beloved set the dogs after him. A son of the Emerald Isle having been told that the price of potatoes had risen, exclaimed, Faithi this is the first time I ever felt grieved at the rise ofs good friend." A young fellow, the son of an eminent dancing master, applying to a friend as to what trade or prO" fesaion it would be best for him to pursue, was answered, I think you cannot do better than follo^ the steps of your father." Arminianism spread so wide in the Church ill the time of Charles II., that a divine of the age, who was asked by a simple country gentleman what the Arminians held, answered, with as much truth as WIt. that they held all the best bishoprics and in England." An Irishman seeing an undertaker carrying a vetf small ooffin, exclaimed, in the utmost surprise, ft? small ooffin, exclaimed, in the utmost surprise, BY the Saint O'Dinis O'Sligol is it possible that tha» eoffin can be intended for any living crather ? Cobbett, in one of his "Rural Rides," says, 'CI s&tf no corn standing in ricks; a thing I never saw before> and would not have believed it had I not seen it." matter-of-fact apostle never found out the neat bul' he had made. The lawyer who filed a bill, out an acquaintance" split a hair, made an entry, got up a case, framed aJ1 indictment, empanneled a jury, put them into a bo, nailed a witness, hammered a judge, and bored a whole court, all in one day, has since laid down law an turned carpenter. Mind your Stops.—A clergyman was lately de- pioting oefore a deeply interested audience the alarff* ing increase of intemperance, when he astonished hi3 hearers by exclaiming: "A young woman in B# neighbourhood died very suddenly last Sabbath, while I was preaching the gospel in a state of intoxication! In the midst of a stormy discussion, a gentleman rose to settle the matter in dispute. Waving his hands majestically over the excited disputants, he began-jj Gentlemen, all I want is common sense." Exactly* Jerrold interrupted; "that is precisely what you Q° want!" The discussion was lost in a burst ot laughter. Bucolic Stupidity.—We saw a venerable lookic# cow yesterday (says the Cincinnati Herald) eating pine sawdust, under the impression that it was She didn't find out her mistake until night, when was found that she gave turpentine instead of milk. A Jersey man was very sick, and was not expected to recover. His friends got around his bed, and onO of them says, "John, do you feel willing to die?' John made an effort to give his views on the subject and answered with his feeble voice, "I—think—I'd ather stay—where—I'm better acquainted." A Glasgow youth, walking with his sweethe^ along Queen-street of that city, stopped at the door of a pastrycook's shop, and, addressing his lady-love, said, Now, my dear, what will you take ? She, expecting to be treated to some of the good things ot the shop, modestly replied, I will take anything you like." "Then," said he, "let's take a walk," and marched past the shop. In a lecture at Portland, Maine, the lecturer, wish- ing to explain to a little girl the manner in which lobster casts his shell when he has outgrown it, said> "What do you do when you have outgrown you? clothes ? You cast them aside, do you not ? ob, no replied the little one, wa let out the tucks The lecturer confessed she had the advantage of there. Two Irishmen in a smart engagement were gallantly standing by their gun, firing in quick succession, when one touching the piece, notioed that it was very hot. Arrah, Mike! the cannon is gettin' hot; we'd betther stop firin' a little." "Divil a bit," replied Mike; "jist dip the cartridges in the river afore yees load, an' kape it cool." One Sunday, when the minister of Udney entered the kirk, he was no less surprised than indignant to find that daft Jamie Fleming" had taken pos- session of the pulpit. Come doon, Jamie," said his reverence. "Come ye up, sir," answered Jamier they're a stiff-neckit and rebellious generation, sirr and it will take us baith to manage them." Dietary at the Homoeopathic Hospital.— Take a robin's leg—mind, the drumstick merely, Put it in a tub filled with water nearly Set it out of doors in a place that's shady, Let it stand a week-three days if for a lady. Drop a spoonful into a five-pail kettle, Which shall be made of tin, or any baser metal; Fill the kettle up-put it on a-boiling, Strain the liquor well, to prevent it oiling; An atom add of salt; for thick'ning, one rice kernel, And use to light the fire, The Homceopathic Journal. Let the liquor boil-half an hour—no longer, (If for a man, of course you 11 make it stronger.) Should you now desire that the soup be flavoury, Stir it once around wijh a stalk of savory. When the broth is made, nothing can exceed it; Then, three times a day, let the patient smell it. If he chance to die—say, 'twas Nature did it; If he chance to live—give the soup the credit. The Science of Kissing.—People will kies, says a publication called The People," yet not one in a hundred know how to extract bliss from lovely lips, any more than they know how to make diamonds from charcoal. And yet it is easy, at least for us. First know whom you are going to kiss. Don't make a. mistake, although a mistake may be good. Don't jump like a trout for a fly, and smack a good woman on the neck, on the ear, on the corner of her forehead, or on the end of her nose, or knock off her waterfall. The gentleman should be a little the taller. He should have a clean face, a kind eye, and a mouth full of ex- pression. Don't kiss everybody. D,jB't sit down to it; stand up. Need not be anxious about getting in a crowd. Two persons are plenty to corner, and catch a kiss; more persons would spoil the sport. Take the left hand of the lady in your right let your hat go to —any place out of the way; throw the left hand gently over the shoulder of the lady, and let it fall down the right side, towards the belt. Don't be in a hurry; draw her gently, lovingly to your heart. Her head will fall lightly upon your shoulder,—and a hand- some shoulder-strap it makes. Don't be in a hurry; send a little life down your left arm. Her left hand is in your right; let there be an impression to that, not like the grip of a vice, but a gentle clasp, full of electricity, thought, and respect. Don't be in a hurry. Her head lies carelessly on your shoulder. You are nearly heart to heart. Look down into her half-closed eves. Gently, yet mantuuy, press her to your bosom. Stand firm. Be brave, but don't be in a hurry. Her lips are almost open. Lean slightly forward with your head, not the body. Take good aim; the lips meet; the eyes close; the heart opens; the soul rides the storms, troubles, and sorrows of life (don't be in a hurry); heaven opens before you; the world shoots under your feet, as a meteor flashes across the even- ing sky (don't be afraid), the nerves dance before the just-erected altar of love, t a zephyrs dance with the dew- trimmed flowers; the heart forgets its bitterness, and the art of kissing is learned. No fuss, no noise, ro fluttering and squirming like hook-impaled "urne. Kissing don't hurt; it d@h't require a brass band to make it legal.

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