Skip to main content
Hide Articles List

11 articles on this Page

[No title]




[No title]


FACTS AND F ACE TIlE. ......--


FACTS AND F ACE TIlE. Epigram.— History will tell how he missed his mark, The Blind assassin who'd have shot Bifimarok.R. G-iris are like peaches; the nearer they are ripe the more they blush. We wonder if anybody ever picked up a tear that was dropped ? A Yankee Paradise.—The town of East King- ston, New Hampshire, boasts of having neither minister, lawyer, doctor, nor town pauper. It is noticed as a horrible relic of ancient barbarity, that the unfortunate militia are first drawn and then quartered. There are ties which never should be severed," aa an ill-used wife said when she found her brute of a husband hanging in the hay-loft. A recent lecturer on common law says that, ac- cording to that code, a woman when she married lost her identity, her distinctive character, and was like a dew-drop swallowed by a sunbeam." Editors, however much they may be biased, are fond of the word impartial." A Connecticut editor once gave an impartial account of a hailstorm." A lady meeting a girl who had lately left her ser- vice, inquired, Well Mary, where do you live now ? "Please, ma'am, I don't live nowhere now," rejoined the girl; "I'm married." It is not what we eat, but what we digest, that makes us strong. It is not what we earn, but what we save that makes us rich. It is not what we read, but remember that makes us learned. It is not what we profass, but what we practise, that makes us righteous. A woman said in a police-court the other day, thai; before marriage her husband pretended ta be much struck with her, but now she was every day struck by him. A physician, in speaking of the frail constitutions of women of the present day, remarked that we ought to take great care of our grandmothers, for we should never get any more. There is a couple in Cincinnati who have been engaged to be married for the last five years, but no time has occurred within that period when they were both out of prison at the same time. A teacher at the national sehool at Wiiittlesea asked a boy the other evening, Which is the highest dignitary of the Church?" After looking up and down, north, east, south, and west, the boy innocently replied, The weather-cock." That boy will probably become Vicar of Bray, if he lives. A clergymanreceJiitly illustrated his argument in favour of corporal punishment for children by a plea- sant piece of witticism. He said that the child, when once started in a course of evil conduct, is like a locomotive on the wrong track—it takes the switch to get off." Frederick the Great wrote to one of his generals "I sand you with 60,000 men against the enemy." On numbering the troops it was found there were but 50,000. The officer expressed his surprise at such a mistake on the part of his sovereign. Frederick's reply was, I counted you for 10,000 men." When Fox was boasting of having prevailed on the French Court to give up the gum trade, Selwyn re- plied, "As you have permitted the French to draw your teeth, they would be fools, indeed, to quarrel with you about your gums." A contemporary suggests that a lady, on putting on her corsets, is like a man who drinks to drown his grief, because in so, lacing herself, she is getting tight. Do you suppose that you can do the landlord in the Lady of Lyons?" said a manager to a seedy actor in quest of an engagement. I should think I might," was the reply; I have done a great many landlords." A bachelor and young lady bought some tickets in partnership in a lottery at the recent sanitary fair at Milwaukie, Wisconsin, and agreed to divide the proceeds equitably. They drew a double bedstead, a baby-crib, and lunch-basket; and the question is, how to divide them, or whether they shall not use them jointly. "How do you like the character of St. Paul?" asked a parson of a landlady one day, during a conver- sation about the old saints and apostles. Ah, he was a good, clever old soul, I know, for he once said, you knew, that we must eat what is set before up, and ask no questions for conscience' sake. I always thought I should like him for a boarder." A quaint writer says—"I have seen women so delicate that they are afraid to ride, for fear of the horse's running away; afraid to sail, for fear the boat might upset; afraid to walk, for fear the dew might fall; but I never saw one afraid to be married, which is far more riskful than all the others put together." Welchers.—The term Welcher," which came prominently before the public in consequence of the recent Lynch- proceedings on the race-course at Epsom, on the Derby Day, is thus explained in Notes and Queries; A Welcher is one who lays a bet, and afterwards absconds, or makes himself scarce. It is sometimes difficult to account for the derivation of phrases; but we are informed that the word Welcher in sporting circles is usually considered to owe its origin to the well-known satirical ditty- "Taffy was a Welchman; Taffy was a thief." It is reckoned that in France there are 75,000 persons blind of one eye, making, of course, by a division sum that Mr. Gladstone would understand (as acoording to him everything can be divided), 37,500 persons totally blind. A Mayor's Footman.—At a. meeting of the Liverpool Town Council, last week, the proceedings of the Finance Committee presented for confirmation contained, amongst other recommendations, one to build a new house, at a cost of about XIGO, as a resi- dence for the Mayor's footman. The chairman of the committee stated that it was understood that either the house was too small for the footman, or the foot- man was too big for the house, and it would be more economical to build a new house than to allow him to remain in his present abode. The recommendation was adopted amid some laughter. An Incident of the Panic. The following curious advertisement appeared in cypher in the second column of last Saturday's Times X19212, 712121119xx, z04, 0, 204111114x, 20B25x, xca7019, 20az, Bllllc2019 18 19 2z, 2104xxl421 319, x7m, z04, 2041 11 114x, z67z, mt/tta, H042z Iil9zall2, a2319xx, P NT The solution is, Send address to G. Norris. Bank's savage, but arrangement possible. Say to Norris that you won't return unless made safe." The foregoing is one of the most difficult cyphers to penetrate that has been met with for some time by the gentleman on our staff who is expressly engaged to solve enigmas in advertisements. What is Poetry P.-The San Frcmcisco News Letter has the following-A lady writer for one of our "literary" weeklies has been "squaring herself" in order to achieve the solution of this long-mooted question. Two thousand odd years ago, that learned (but obsolete) old fogey, Aristotle, addressed himself to the same task, ana declared that poetry is the life-like imitation of nature." Some three hundred years ago Lord Baoon, the greatest, wisest, meanest of mankind," pooh poohed Aristotle's definition, and averred that poetry consisted in the representation of "something better, nobler, and more perfect than actual life affords "-in delineating "a loftier ex- cellence and a more perfect beauty" than is to be found in any actual human character, or any real landscape. But the lady writer referred to repu- diates alike both Aristotle and Bacon. 8i.1e insists that poetry is poetry, and that there ia no possible mode of determining what is poetry and what is not. "So long as there are different eyes on earth," says this classical and perspicuous female, li so long will one pair see beauty, where for another it does not exist." Therefore, it follows, according to the best settled principles of feminine logic and philosophy, that so long as the eyes of the coloured cook of the Sophie M'Lean or the Helen Hensley see beauty in the wooden figure-heads of those fast-sailing" steamers, it is presumption to declare that the Venus de Medici, and the Greek Slave, are nobler specimens of art than said figure-heads. Hurrah for itmume dialectics! Henceforth let the masculine critics abo> cate the breeches and endue their nether extremities in crinoline!

[No title]



[No title]