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FACTS AND FACETIIS. --+- The right man in the right place is a husband at home in the evening. There are two directly opposite reasons why man sometimes cannot get oredit: one is, because he is not known; and the other, because he is. A contemporary, alluding to the oceanic tele* graph, wonders whether the news transmitted throng0 salt water will be fresh. Well, Bridget, if I engage you, I shall want y to stay at home whenever I shall wish to go oo* Well, ma'am, I have no objection," said Bri^f?, providin' you do the same when I wish to go out-' of Why is a dairymaid naturally the happiest 0 womei, P Because she always has her own whey. The reason why policemen are never run ofef JS, because they are never in the way. Are these pure canaries ? asked a gentle of a bird-dealer, with whom he was negotiating for r gift for his fair." Yes, sir," said the bird- deole" confidently, I raised them 'ere birds from seed! d Whether women be handsome or not," Blon, does not signify. If they are ugly, they ,3 one's stomach; if they are lovely, they turn ot>e head." The Boudoir, a ladies' newspaper published in :Naif York, tells an interesting story of a fair lady who boo operated as a bear in Wall-street, speculating ""A in gold, and emplojing a broker, and who has i°9. 100,000 dollars during the last year. She has 1 vested it all in jewellery and plate. b A gentleman whose son, a clerk in the Frene Treasury, died suddenly, wrote to the chief of L department in these words:—"Mr. presents jS compliments, and trusts that sudden death will su ciently excuse the non-attendance of his son." Two Frenoh notaries of Bourgoigne made 19 exchange of clerks the other day, one receiving fro the other, in addition to the clerk, two dozen hatØs, an equivalent for the superior article he resigned. The leading natives of Bengal, the learned pundi the wealthy zemindars, the old aristocracy, and tot orthodox Brahmins, have all united to the numb0'- 21,000 in praying Government to put down polyg9lvj The ladies are too many for them, as they are "Sr to be by mortal man in most other parts of the W0r A comedian at Boston, by way of puff for his, approaching benefit, published the following lines:- Dear public, you and I of late Have dealt so much in fun: I'll crack you now a monstrous great Quadruplicated pun! Like a grate full of coals I'll glow, 1 A great full house to see: [ And if I am not grateful, too, A great fool I must be! A Mistake.—"George," asked a minister of his parishioners' little boys, where is your 810. a Minnie ? Gone to Heaven, sir." What, is j dead ? Oh, no, no, sir; she went to buy a fr° » matches." Why, you said she'd gone to Hea,veflj Well, you said last Sunday that matches were m in Heaven, so I thought she went there." Old John Morris was a chronic toper. One while returning from the tavern, he found locomol' impossible, and stopped at the corner of a fence, he remained standing. He had been there only a* ti minutes, when the minister came along. John," said he, "where do you suppose you wiU when yon oome to die ?" Well, if I can't g° better than I can now, I shan't go anywhere." # Some years ago a gentleman died. His wid^ I herited his property and collected the I his life, and very soon enlarged, repaired, and iW J up her residence in quite a luxurious style. A y,ad calling, expressed some little surprise that sne n made these nice arrangements so soon after „ decease of Mr. •. "Why should'nt I do j replied the practical "relic." "My husband*, go man that he was, is enjoying a glorious man0101* the skies, and of course he wishes me to be as fortable as possible here on earth." Who says woman's faith was not shown by her works r A foreign turfite, much struok, ar,d, as a FroD^ man, much complimented, by the prevalent display the French colours along the road on the Derby /g had the temerity to ask of a great displayer of French flag what was the reason there were so in comparison with the flags of other nations P ■PL reason at all," was the rough reply; we display all of us, beoause wo get them cheaper than ope y flags." Here was a blow at the preconceived glof'0 flattery of La Belle. A "millionaire" advertises to the following effect in LaPatrie:—"A foreign gentleman, eldery but millionaire, and the owner of mines, desires marry a young French orphan (or oven a natural0 ..■!?. free from every natural family tie and completely wit j) out fortune. As compensation, the most irreproaC « able morality, a pleasant countenance, distinction manners, a certain amount of education, simple taste > and some notion of music, would be looked for." account is hardly fairly balanced. Millionaire an elderly, don't do it; neither constitutes the pert6 man that should meet the perfect lass. In a Hurry.—A curious marriage is reported tO have occurred some days since near Bay City, Miob.- gan. It appears that a farmer lost his wife by de:; I and that the said wife died early in the morning. ™ Ji i farmer did not appreciate being left alone in the worioj j and ere his wife's eyes had hardly closed in the sleep, I knows no waking, he decided to marry again. ing up his team, he takes in his servant girl and g0.. to Bay City to buy garments for the dead. there, he married the girl, and returned to his ho&. I the same night with his second wife, so that by count he was not a widower twelve hours. The wife appeared at the funeral the next day in black, and was one of the principal mourners over tn y body of the first wife. f Many the anecdotes Apropos of that | topic, breaking of banks, whioh people now regard the same jocular spirit as if it were the banks at Baden and Homburg that had been sprung. Among9 these anecdotes is one relative to the failure of t^ 1 Roy al British Bank. Amongst the customers of t" bank was a certain old Indian officer, who was al^y a^ont his connection with the concern. 1 the first rumeurs of its difficulties began to be spr08 i abroad, this gentleman's friends implored him to down to the City and withdraw his balance. > all these requests the officer turned a deaf ear. f Soldier, sir," he said, must stand by .his flag; and am not the man, sir, to leave a sinking ship." At la9„ the bank broke, and his friends re-appeared to V proach him for his infatuated conduct. GentlemeD> was his remark, when he had heard their statements* your news ia excellent. Henceforth I cannot dunned for my overdrawn aocount till the liquidators have got to work." A Monkey's Tricks.—"I lately had a little monkey who was a great thief," says Mr. Bucklapd, the naturalist, but I contrived to turn his thieving propensities to good account, faster Jack, after 1 had had him some time, showed evident symptoms ot consumption, and I prescribed cod liver oil. It Was placed openly before him, but he refused it with symp" toms of disgust and sundry tail shakings. I then poured a little into a saucer, and placed it in such a position that Master Jack should find it for himself while I pretended to be reading, and not to notice what was going on. The trap took; Jaek, thinking he was stealing the oil, sucked up the prescribed dose, making a face, not implying nausea, but rathet high glee at his own cleverness. He was certainly I better and fatter for his medicine, which was so sweet because stolen, and I really think it saved his life. Jack, too, had a marvellous propensity for picking things to pieces, and smashing articles that^ came in his way. One day he sneaked out L of his cage and had a good morning's work to him' } self, tearing off the leather and pulling out the lining or an old arm-chair. He was, after an hour or two, discovered in the act, and taken into custody to be duly chastised for his mischief. He cried murder' j when he saw preparations made to punish him, j the same time he held out his hand, firmly closed upon i something in it. His pickers and stealers were un- clasped, and in the palm of his hand was discovered » half-sovereign, which he had most oertainly found and picked out of the chair, and which probably had been buried in the lining for years. His proffered ransom got him off his punishment, but his investigation into the structure of watohes, books, ink and cruet stands, writing desks, MS. notes, &o., have not since produced equally valuable disooveries."