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.-ABEICUISOEE ' ---+--







FACTS AND FACETIiE, The worst kind of oil to have anything to do with —turm-oil. It is alleged that in every corner of the globe three things are always to be found-a Scot, a rat, and a Newcastle grindstone. Dcgmestic Magazines.—Wives who are always blowing up their husbands. "Sam, why am members of Parliament like do fishes?" "I don't meddle wid do subjec', Pomp." "Why, don't ye see, nigga, because deyam so fond ob debate." A Toast.—The following toast was given a short time ago at a dinner of the shoe and leather manu- facturers: May they have all the women ia the country to shoe, and the men to boot. John," screamed a country girl, seated by the side of her dull lover, "leave me alone!" John, astonished, cried, "Why, I ain't a touching yer!" No," replied she, "but you might have done—if you liked." A quarrelsome, fashionable, fighting bully was reported to a convivial company as-being dead, having been shot in a duel. Shot!" exclaimed one of the party; "then, 'pun my word, he has died a natural death." A Figure to Paint. Represent me in my portrait," said a gentleman to his painter, with a book in my hand, and reading aloud. Paint my ser- vant also, in a corner where he cannot be seen, but in such a manner that he may hear me when I call him." American Competition.—It is in the nature of an American, Bays one, to be always in fear lest his neighbour should arrive before him. If one hundred Americans were about to be shot, they would fight for precedence, such are their habits of competition. Haltered.- "Poor Dick! how sadly he is altered since his marriage remarked one friend to another. Why, yes, of course," replied the other, directly a man's neck is in the nuptial noose every one must see that he is a haltered person." Hard Times Conjugated.—A country school- master thus describes a money-lender: He serves you in the present tense—lends you in the conditional mood-keeps you in the subjunctive-and ruins you in the future." I'm going to ride at the country," said a French- man. You should say ride in the oountry," re- marked his friend. Ah yes-ver good," responded Mossoo; and ven I come back I vill knock in your door." What a fine head your boy has said an ad- miring friend. Yes," said the fond father, he'is a chip of the old block-ain't you, my boy ? Yes, father," replied the boy, teacher said yesterday that I was a young blockhead." You have destroyed my peace of mind," said a desponding lover to a truant lass. It can't do you much harm, John," replied she, for it was an amazing small piece you had." A Patient Lad. Ben," said a father, the other day, to his delinquent son, I am busy now; but as soon as I can get time, I mean to give you a flogging." Don't hurry yourself, pa," replied the patient lad, "I can wait." cross-Examination.-A young lady who had been severely interrogated at court by an ill-tempered counsel, observed, on leaving the witness-box, that she never before fully understood what was meant by cross- examination. An old lady's lap-dog having bitten the leg of a visitor, she expressed her sympathy by remarking Poor little dear! I hope it will not make him sick!" What is the difference between a honeycomb and a honeymoon ? A honeycomb consists of a number of small cells," and a honeymoon is one great sell I" Adaptation Extraordinary.—Adaptations from the French have been of late so frequent on the London stage, that people are beginning to have their doubts even about our own Shakespeare. Two men were staring at the playbills outside DrurY-101210 Theatre. "Julius Cajsar, said one. "Yes,' ""d the other. an adaptation from the new book by the Emperor of the French! The Wiltshire Dialect.—The following dialogue actually took place, a short time since, between a visiting examiner and a pupil in a school near Salisbury :-Now, then, the first boy of the grammar class. First boy: Here I be, zir.-Exa.mmer Well my good boy, can you tell me what vowels are ?—First boy: Vowls, zir P Ees, of course 1 can. Examiner: Tell me, then, what are vowels, xirst boy: Vowls, zir Why, vowls be chickens. A Puzzler for a Postman.-Tke following direction appeared on a letter forwarded to the Birmingham post. office: for John nary Ber-, morgham Living in a house jno. 130 at present and He lived Before now at Back btreet Grrosvenor Street No. 3 Court No. 3 House. I. Pter Sherlock do order the letter carrier to open this in order to find out John nary." We belike that vigorous efforts are being made to find out "John nary," but with what success we cannot at present state. Facts and Heraldry.-Stags would seem to have been often carried heraldically in allusion to some right or privilege of following the sport in the Royal preserves. "Once a Week" says: One Walter Baran, who gave his name to the small town of Barunton, or Bampton, is thus described as having the privilege of hunting the stag on Exmoor on con- dition of hanging upon trees the carcasses of all stags that might die of murrain in the said forest. Very Severe!-A young Scotch minister, who had for some Sundays occupied the pulpit, dined with a farmer of the parish in the afternoon, when services were over; and his appetite was so sharp that he thought it necessary to apologise to his host for eating so substantial a dinner. You see," said he, "I am always very hungry after preaching." The old gentleman, not very much admiring the youth's pulpit ministrations, having heard this apology two or three times, at last replied sarcastically, "Indeed, sir, I'm not surprised at it, considering the trash that comes off your stomach in the morning." Notes. Good advice is never out of season.— Riches are the baggage virtue; they cannot be spared nor left behind, but they hinder the march.— The public lecturer who dwelt upon a topic has changed his residence.—He who builds according to every man s advice will have a crooked house.— Watering plants with the rinsings of the milk pails makes them grow finely.-The reason why policemen are never run over is that they are never in the way.— They are fools who persist in being quite miserable because they cannot be quite happy.—Waste of wealth is sometimes retrieved waste of health, seldom; but waste of time, never.




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