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FACTS AND FACETI-ffi. A stroke at every tree fells none. A hungry man is unmanageable. To be docile, he must, like a horse, have first a bit in his mouth. A Reflection.-In marriage the heart of a widow is like a furnished apartment, where one is apt to find something left there by a former lodger. "Well, Mr. Tree, if you are about to leave I shall detain your trunk," exclaimed an incensed landlady to her lodger, who was slightly in arrears. A country gentleman advertises for a small black tan leather cellar, through which was the head of a black tan terrier dog." A gentleman who did not live very happy with his wife, on the maid telling him that she was about to give her mistress warning, as she kept scolding from morning till night, said, Happy girl! I wish I could give warning too." Irish Exhortation.—An Irishman in Pittsburg, who was exhorting the people against profane swear- ing, said he was grieved to see what he had seen in that town. "My friends," said he, "such is the profligacy of the people aroand here that even little children, who can neither walk nor talk, may be seen running about the streets cursing and swearing!" A Husband's Pun. Joe calls his wife his counterpart, With truth as well as whim, Since every impulse of her heart, Runs counter still to him. A few days since a fellow was tried for stealing a saw, but ha said he only took it in a joke. The iustioe asked him how far he had carried it, and was answered, about two miles." That is carrying the joke too far," said the magistrate, and committed the prisoner. Be off with you, you don't stuff such nonsense into me," said a gawky policeman; six feet in his boots! Why no man as lives stands more than two feet in his boots, and no use talking about it. § You might as well tell me the man had six heads in his hat." CONUNDRUMS. Why is a widow like a dilapidated house ? Because she wants to be re-paired. Now, papa, what is humbug ? It is," replied papa, when ma pretends to be very fond of me, and puts no buttons on my shirt." What is that you do not wish to keep, and yet re- fuse to give away ? Your bed. Why is the owner of a bathing machine like a tallow-chandler ? Because he deals in dips. What musical instrument has had an honorary degree conferred upon it ? Fiddle, D.D." Why is a nail fast in the wall like an old man ? Because he is infirm. Never take a nap in a railway carriage, 'cos why ? The train always runs over sleepers. Why are two lawyers like two sawyers P Because, work how they may, down must come the dust. What exclamation of three words could a person make on seeing a fire which would give the names of three eminent authors ? "Dickens, How-itt Barns." I was not aware that you knew him," said Tom Smith to an Irish friend the other day. Knew him," exclaimed he, in a tene that comprehended the know- ledge of more than one life-time; I knew him when hia'futher waB a little boy. A young lady having given a gentleman, who was not very remarkable for his taste in drees, a playful slap on the face, he called out, "You have made my smart" Well," said she, "I am glad I have made something smart abeut you." A ladv had two servant maids, called Susan and Lfi nieht the lady rang the bell more than Sarah. O g wered; and when Susan came to the, the lady said, Where's Sarah?" "Why, madam (said Susan m sotto voce), she is a courting with William." ^ay« yo« Wn doing, that the bell was not answered sooner? To tell you the honest truth (said Susan) I have been watching Sarah and William.. You see, grandma," said a precocious youth to an old lady of the past school, "that when I suck this egg, or more properly speaking, when I extract the nutri- tive matter by a sudden and peculiar action ot the muscles of the throat, I first make an incision in the apex, and then a corresponding aperture in the base. "Mercy me! Why, how things do ohange! When I was a gal, all we did was to make a hole in each end, and down it went. My stars1 this here child hain t erot long to live, I know." Whiskers and Kisses -The American "Joe Miller" has the following --The editress of the Lan- caster Literary Lfazette says she would as soon nestle her nose in a rat s nest of swingle tow as allow a man with whiskers to kiss her. We (Petersburg Gazette) don't believe a word or it. The objections which some ladies pretend to have to whiskers all arise from envy. They don't have any. They would if they could; but the fact is, the continual motion of. the lower jaw is fatal to their growth. The ladies God bless them !— adopt our fashions as far as ohey can. Look at the depredations they have committed on our wardrobes the last few years. They have appropriated our shirt- bosoms, gold studs, and all. They have encircled their ssft, bewitching necks in our standing collars and cravats—driving us to flatties and turn-downs. Their innocent little hearts have been palpitating in the in- side of our waistcoats instead of thumping against the outside, as naturally intended. They have thrust their pretty feet and ankles through our unmentionables, nrtwhisperables? untMnkaboutables and tney are skipping along the street in our high-heeled boots. Do you hear, gentlemen ?—we say boots!







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