Pontypool Free Press and Herald of the Hills

The cyclone ill t h, Pay of Bengal has spent its rage. The JRydal Mere, which was blown from her moorinsrs in Diamond Harbor, has been picked tip it' ti,e river and towed into safety. The penalty of a period exile imposed on the lat Life Guards afrer the insubordination at Windsor Castle last summer, which resulted in the tiansfer- ence of the regiinonfto indefinite period, is about to expiror. l,timfel-iment will i-e. turn to London about the first week in next month, and will be qr.arbered at Regent's-park. Information has been received at the India otIica and the War office that the Nizam ot Hyderabad proceecliclg with great expedition with the organ. I isation of the tivo i-e,iinejits -*of Imperial-service: cavalry which he [ms voluntary undertaken to pro- vide. In all probability the regiments will, so far as numbers go, be completed in another month. The Rev. Arthur N. Johnson, of the London Missionary Society, has received a t50 Bank of England not* from au unknown donor, who pro. mises to reveal himself and to ask for the JE60 back if five other such notes or the equivalent are not forthcoming Already a second 950 has come in. It is stipulated that the gifts must be special and not ordinary contributions. While a painter named Cunningham was engaged in painting the front of a house, 74, Piccadilly, he Stepped off the ladder on to a narrow ledge. After standing there a few minutes he turned to take an article from another workman on the ladder, and slipping at the same moment, fell ben.ity )u the foo'path. His h -ad struck the ec;,oe, L's ektilt being aypaiently smashed in. The poor fallow is sow dead. j

BURIED IN THE SNOW. J'hp body of a shepherd named Joseph Cardessue, who had been missing fur several days, has been; found aiied in the snow in the Haongana gor^e of the Pyrenees, close to the Spanish frontier. lie Ai,i; ill, I",Iy overtaken with his flock by a sudden snowstorm, and was unable to extricate Vimselr.

COLLI! RY PONIES BURNED TO DEATH. A a( t-:o fire, which had ruged for two days ia the Cor.si <; Iron Company's pit, Medoms ey, was extinguished on Monday afternoon. The tire origin* inated n an underground engine, destroying a large quantity olllle timber, and damaging the machinery and WOJ kings, but the coal wall was not ignited. Twenty horses and ponies, valued at £ 300, died from auffoca^iou

THE HOWE WILL SOON BB HOME. Advii:es received at Chatham fr»>n» ierrol state that 11.M.S. Howe may be expected at Chatham Dockyard during June. The Spaniards employed in repairing ihe vessel work in day and nighl. shifts j (Sunday excepted), and the progress made with the operst ons wai-i-ants the belief that the ship will he able to leave the dock at the spring tidea is the middle of the mouth.

FLOODS ON THE MISSISSIPPI. Heavy rains throughout the Missisippi valley have a -am swollen all the tributary streams and '¡ucro.¡¡" the volume of the freshet. The Mis- sissippi River at Arkansas City is 50 feet above the low water Mark. Jacksonville, Illinois, with many towns in -Missouri, is inuudated. Tbe Lake Pro- Tideuce crevasse in Louisiana is causing much destitution, and the War Department haseent tents for the relief of the homeless people.

THE TWO LESSEPS IN PRISON. Madame de Leflseps states that M. Charles has aged very much siuce his imprisonmeut, and that he is now suffering from rheumatism. At the last interview, however, he maintained his courage, and did not despair of the future. As regarded her hnsband, Madame Ferdinand de Lesseps said that his condition showed no improvement. The periods of somnolence were more mnrked and frequent than before, but he occasionally showed strange flashes of intelligence, which caused those around him some uneasiness lest he should ask embarras- sing questions about his S(D and the affairs of the Par.ama Company.

A DYNAMITER AND PRISON TREATMENT. Jamea McKevitt, the dynamiter recently released from Portland Prisou, has arrived at New York, where he stated to reporters that the hardships and sufferings in Milbank, Chatham, and Portland are intolerable. His health broke down, and be was seven months in the hospital. He stated that three Irish-American prisoners, Dr. Gallagher, Gilbert, and Daly, were ill. Gallagher had bebn driven mad, and the other prisoners were afraid of him. Gilbert, is in the hospital Buffering from disease of the heart, and the other is broken down in health. McKevitt also complained of the manner in which the warders treated the political prisoners.

A LIGHTED CANDLE IN A POWDER BARREL. An alarming discovery was made a few nights ago at a shop in Snow Fields, Bermondsey, London. The police (writes a correspondent) received cer- tain information, and on proceeding to a shop found a lighted candle stuck in the middle of a box of epnpowder in a cupboard underneath the stairs. X constable pluckily extinguished the candle, and communicated with the BermcEdsey fire brigade, who at tended and saw to the safety of the premises. It is also reported that a quantity of oil was found about the shep, the occupi erof which has been arrested. The candle, it is conjectured, would have burned down low er.ongh to hare exploded the gun. powder about two o'c!ock.

The oomaisna or tne nortn ooraerset xeomanry, which is about to fall vacant bv the retirement of the Earl of Cork and Orrery K.P., A.D.C., after a service of forty-fiye years, is to be given to Captain and Honorary Major Viscount Dungarvan. During the voyage of the Orient line steamer Orient from Australia to England, a steerage pas- senger name d S. Fogne'la, who was on his wav to Rome, ris Naples, from Melbourne, jumped over, board and was drowned. Alfred George Tygate, a signalman, was at New. port (Monmouthshire), committed for trial for at. tempting to hang himself. Tygate has just com- pleted a three months' sentence at Gloucester for a similar offence. The Princess Sara, of Zuiuland, a cousin of Cete. wayo, was married in the Methodist Coloured Church New Jersey, to Robert Bates, a mulatto, who has amassed a handsome fortone as a caterer and hotel-keeper. The 1st Life guards, who have been stationed at Shorncliffe since the eases of insubordination last year, are under orders to return to London early next month, and will be quartered at Regent's Park barracks. In illustration of what the drought has meant for the land and the farmer, a correspondent writes that in Suffolk last week he saw agricultural labourers wielding large axes to break up the cloda in a ploughed field. William Moore, described as a solicitor well known in Leeds, has been sent for trial from the Westminitter Court, on charge of steal ing umbrellas from committee-rooms of the House of Commons and valuable books from the library of the Incorporuted Law Society in Chancery Lane. The celebrated deer forest of Rothiemui ehus in Inverness-shire, has been let for the approaqhing season by Mr. Grant to Mr. A. H. Brown, M.P. the rent being £ 2,000. Kothiemurchcig extends over nearly 20,000 acres, a considerable portion of the ground being natural pinewood. At the South-Western Police Court, London, Mr. Haden Corser remanded George, Dinah, Joe, and Charlie Heeks, and two lads named Roberts, and Cligg, on charge of burglary at a local-public-house, from which five gold rings and t43 were stolen on the morning of the 7th inst. The crew of the Norwegian steamer Balto have been landed at Leith, their vessel having been wrecked near Cape Wrath, Sutherlandsire, on the night of the 18th inst., duriug a dense fog and heavy sea. The Balto was proceeding from Christiania to Ireland with a cargo of ice. A telegram has been received from Milan stating that Signor Mascagni is determined to come to Londou, if possible, for of "IRantzna," and requesting Sir A. Harris to defer the event for a few days in order to give time for the composer to attend the finai rehearsals. At Southampton James Channel], water bailiff Mr. Montagu, M.P for W'hiteohapel, was charged with stealing his employer's salmon. It was shown that a great proportion of the fish caught was sold privately by the defendant and not accounted for. He was fined £ 'u. and oosts. At an inquest at Burnley on a young man named William Walton, the jury found he committed suicide while temporarily insane through betting losses. William Sutton, an inmate of Thanet Workhouse, who attained his one hundred and fifth birthday on 17 April, has just enjoyed his annual drive round the island. Margaret M'Donnell, a Liverpool widow of 75, in a fit of dizziness, caused by excessive smoking, fell into the fit-e and was so severely burned that she died in the hospital. Mr. G. H. Edmonds, auditor to the London, Brighton, and Sooth Coast Railway Company, lies dead at his residence at Gravesend. Mr. Edmonds was thrice Mayor of Gravesend. John Brauner died at Downpatrick a few days ago at the age of 100, leaving twenty-one grand- children aud thirty-three great-grandchildren, all of whom live in John Street, Downpatrick. Herr Rosenthal, the celebrated German pianist, has resolved not to visit London this summer. lie has just returned from a long tour in Scandinavia, and has gone to Vienna for a holiday. According to a telegram received from Milan, Signor Mascagni is confined to his bed by indis- position, and therefore nnable to leave for London to attend the production of I Rantzau." Some lads were playing on the Embankment, dose by Cleopatra's Needle, when one of them, a boy of 12, mounted the parapet, and, over- balancing himself, fell into the water. He was drowned. A goods train was wrecked as a result of a col- lision ou the Wisconsin Central Railway near Burliugton, and|shortly afterwards a three oil-tank car exploded. One man was killed and several fatally injured. There is going to be a farther division in the ranks of the British Women's Temperance Association. A number of ladies who have for years been promin- fttly connected with it have servered their con. Action with the executive. Although Dr. Lunn still holds an open mind upon the question, the friends who are most in his con- fidence n0jy entertaiu no doubt that he will nltimatety seek holy orders in the Church of England. At the West London Police Conrt, Michael j Morris, a bricklayer was sentenced to a month's hard labour for cruelty to a kitten, by biting ofl part of its tail, in a public-house. An undertaker was severely censured by the Westminster coroner, for keeping the bodv of a child in his house for a fortnight unburied, the promises being occupied by a number of people. Mr. Peter Cornwall, of Tredgar, Kent, com- menced picking. Adam's Crown on the 2H; h inst, tilllS probably the record of early cherry-p eking in this country. 1 1

HE WON flER BY STRATAGEM. 1 COMPLETE STORY. Madam. for two long years I have tried In vain to tofte" your stony heart." «* Yes, I know that my heart Is more adamantine than the sandwiches at the railway refreshuient- voom. it. be made any softer than it is, and it. in not, worth while for you to try." "Nellio 1 can stand this no longer. ciiitit- "tJI!i, YO'llmow that I adore you?" "J heard yon -ay so several times." "Did you not epurn me when I threw myself at your feel ye^terdrtj^afternoon ?" y I", I did. L can't bear to see things lying vrouiid on luo floor." (;dllJe t o you I have determined to put an cu I "Yuii have promised several times to commit suicide l ut, you have never done eo, as far as I know. It yon arj ever going to commit suicide, why dun) von t!') it, it? You are losing a great deal of valuable f.irce." e-!I.: I am in earnest." If you have not notified the undertaker, 1'11 do it for you. Which undertaker do you usually employ wiion yon commit suicide?" "1 *h;tf! reijnh'j) the services of an undertaker, but. ii--b just 44 So you arc £ "»'■ £ to die of old age? Why don't you try a 44 Uei an-o I p: f ?r to die "lowly and painfully. I ,i to torture myself to death with hun- ,U¡. Tlie.bcro >f IV-n •nauco, whose name is Bilberry, threw him-'If -III the sofa on which lie wan si; t ine, and raisir g his right hand, registered a h;h:11I1I vow toab-i iiii from all food, and to ro uain in that room unt:i he was dead. Nellio, who was a lantilising woman, burst into a lit of laughter, and left tho room. Later in the iiftv-rnoon she went to visit a frielld who lived in the neighbourhood. Up ti her ret'irn late in the evening, her servant) informed her that the gentleman was still in tho drawinji-ronm. This made her very angry. She went into the room, and to the languid mart she said 44 Look here, Ur. Bilberry, we have had about ag much nonsense ns I care for. Do you prolwso to cam p here all ni ;iit? "I told you di-d.inctly, Nellie, that I am going to stay here until death relieves me from my HIItier- ing*. This sofa is my deathbed. I thought you understood what I said." The absurdity of the situation gob the better of the woman's indignation. She laughed, and went back to the house of her friend to spend the night. Next morning, when she returned to her house, the was in hopes that her admirer had absconded during a lucid interval, but she was mistaken. lie was still in the room reclining on the eofa. "Sir," she exclaimed with flashing eye3, "your conduct is simply outrageous. You are driving me out of my own house. You are no gentleman. Besides, everybody in town will be talking about me. Now clear oat before I become exasper- ated?" All I have to say is that I am going to die on this wofa. "Go buy some patenb rab pohon and do your perishing outside of the house. I am not runiiiu;^ a morgue for the accommodation of idiots 441 am very sorry to put yon to any inconveni- ence, hub I prefer to die within these precinct made sacred by your presence," replied Bilberry feebly. "Then why don't you dio? Fve tohf you fori times that I'll do all in my power to assist yon. 11 get you the carving-knife if you will only uromis, to use it." "You are very kind, bub fprefer to die a cruel lingering death by starvation." Nellie went out, shutting the. door after hoiv She did not see the desperate man mgiiik iiiit-it nex: morning. About dinner-time she began '.H feel uneasy. She went into tho room. Her admit<: had grown very pale, and he seemed to be mur.h weaker. There were large black rings around Ins eyes. For two days he had eaten absolutely no- thing. To all intents and purpose lie might b,tvc been a resident at a five-francs pepsion. "For Heaven's«ako, Mr. Bilberry, do 010 lh favour to quit this foolishness." j "Nellie, I bave tnade up my mind to plied Bilbery, closiug his eyes, aud heaving u ,lvuj' sigh. The woman wag in .a dilemma. She did not know what to do. She could send for a policorn.m or a hospital ambulatice, and have him r^ioi.vo. hot she dreaded the tongues of the neighbours. What conld she do in the face of such grim deter- mination ? She hurried to the kitchen, and in u short time she returned with a steaming plate of soup. 44 Mr. Bilberry, you musb be very hnngry." "Call me feebly responded lie un- fortunate man. Hero is some nice soup. It will do you good. Tako a little of it. Do me the favour, that's a good man." "Soup!" gasped the doomed mitn. "Soup! I don't need any soup. Death is all I sigh for now;" And to tell the truth lie seemed to be at death's door. The dark rings around his eyes were larger and darker than ever. His voice had grown weaker, his cheeks were sunken in, and there was an unmistakable dying look in his pinched fea- tures; This was the fourth day of the siege, and neither side had capitulated. And a strange sort of a siege it was, in which the attacking party by starving himself sought to compel tho surrender of the garrison. It began to dawn on Nellie that it would creatc a fearful scandal when, in accordance with the ver- dict, of the coroner's jury, it became known that, thanks to her indifference, a human being hII perished slowly of starvation before her very eyes. How dreadful it would be to have people say that for four days she saw a man struggling in the pangs of death and yet she refused to save him! It then also occurred to her that a man who was capable of starving himself to death on her accotlll t must be very much in love with her. It has been well said that pity is the shortest road to a woman's heart. She began to feel sorry for the unfortunate man, and her grief was not unmixcd with alloctiou. Onco more she trifd the soup cure. My dear friend," she began in a low and tender voice, ,I've brotight you some nice soup. Open your mouth so that lean pour in a little." The wretched man was too far gone to speak. He merely shook his head. 41 But you must take t litt,le. I don't want to see you die this way," and she gently squeezed his hand. The dying man shrugged his shoulders as much as to say it was too late. 44 Listen to me," said Nellie, endeavouring to re- vive him, for he was evidently sinking very fast, 44 properly speaking, I do love you, George and falling on the emaciated breast of tbe would-be j suicide, 9he gluted her lips to his. Gathering together all his strength, the dying g I man returned the salutation, at the same time j reaching out for the plate of soup. Another day and neither soup nor kisses could have revived the t infatuated man, provided there is no truth in the rumour that the fraud had a dozen ham-sandwiches and a bottle of cold tea concealed in his coat-tail pockets. It only required a few days to restore Bilberry to heal i ll and strength, and they are now happily married. As Julius Caesar very appropriately remarked, 44 As long as a general wins the battle, who asks whether it was won by valour or by stratagem ?" ■'

I' A man who wanted a marriage license applied at the wrong place in the City Hall a few days ago A man who wanted a marriage license applied at the wrong place in the City Hall a few days ago and took out a dog license instead. In some case3 this would not be so much of a mistake after all. There are wives of drunken husbands—whom they support—who feel that the license they hold should properly be one to keep a dog. A most interesting sight is that of a young lady, with eyes like a "gazelle," voice like a "silver trum- pet," and with "lips like rubies," and with" teeth of pearly whiteness," and with "cheeks that have gtylen the deep carnation of the deathless rose," with her mouth full of gingerbread. A young woman of Ohio is so modest, that she calls stockings the "covering of a poison's iounda- tion" "j in out just lOdoIs. I lent Jones that amount n month ago, and he went crazy yesterday." 44Jones the actor?" 44 Yes." II Well, yon stanti a better show of getting your money now than ever before. There's no telling what form his insanity will take."

K,PPS'S COCOA.-C,,RATFFtil, AND COMFORTING. By a-thorough knowledge of the natural laws which govern the operations of digestion and nutrition, and by a careful application of the fine prortIes of well-selected COCOA, Mr. Epps has provided our breakfast tables with a delicately flavoured bever*ge which may save us many heavy doctors' bills. It is by judicious use of such articles of diet that a constitution may be grad- ually built up until strong enough to resist every tendency to disease. Hundreds of subtle mala- dies are floating around us ready to attack wherever there is a weak point. We may escape many a fatal shaft by keeping ourselves well fortified with pure blood and a properly nourished frame.Civil Service Gaz,M.-Mide simply with boiling water or milk.—Sold only in packets, by Grocers, labelled- "J,&mEs Epps & Co., I HomoeoDathic Chemists. London." Also makers of Eppa s Cocoaine or Nib-Extract—Tea-like. A SPOTLESS COMPLEXION.—Snlpholine Lotion clearg*off all. imperfections in a few days. Spots blemishes. irritating objectionable appearances, baldness, roughness, tan, uncomfortable skin dis- fisrnrements.entirely fade away, leaving a beautiful bkui Shilling Bùt of salioit,)Iiu everywhere. 1

FACTS AND FANCIES. AN AMERICAN SAM WELLER. The prisoner in this case, whose namr was Diciy Swivel, alias Stove Pipe Bill," was placid at the bar, and questioned by the judge to tie following ellect J ivige.-Bi-itig the prisoner into court). Bil.-Here 1 it if bound to blnze, as the spiriti of turpentine euid when be was all a fire. Judtro. —We will take a little of the fire oub of you H..w elo you live! Bill.-I ain t. particular, as the oysLer said when they askvd him whether he'd be roasted or fried Judgt.—We don't want to hear what the oyster siid. What do you follow? Bill.—Anything that comes in my way, as tho locomotiie viid whoii he run over Llit) little shoe- blook. Juilge.-We don't cnre nnything about tho | locomotivt. yotir business? Bill.—Hint's various, as the cab said when she stole tie ehieken oft the table. Judge. — That comes nearer the line, I sup- pose. Bill.—Altogether in my lino, as Lhe rope said When it waselo king the pirate. Judge.— If 1 henr ""y more absurd compari- sons 1 will give you a year. Bill.-I'an done ad the beef-steak said to the cook. a .o. Judge.—ri«w, sir, your punishment IIhall de- pend on the shortness of your answers. I sup- pose you live by going around the docks. Bill.—No, Mr, 1 can't go 'around the docks Without a boat, aud 1 ain't got none. Judge.—-Viihwer nie, how do you get your bread. Bill. SOlneLimùs at tho bakers, und sometimes I eat inters. Jud^e.—No more of yonr stupid ttimoictice. How do you suppurb yours,;|f. Bill. -Sott%eLituce on my legs, and sometimes on a chair. Judge.—I order yon to answer the question correctly, It, do YOII do? Bill. — Pretty well thank you, judge. How do you do? Judge.—1 sTiall have to commit you. Bill.-Well, committed yourself fusb; tlitit's some for iiia.

CIRCUMSTANTIAL EVIDENCE. A student said to a distinguished lawyer one day "I cannot understand how circumstantial evi- dence can be stronger than positive testimony." "I will illustrate it," said Clio htwyer. "My milkman brings n,e a can of milk, and says I Sir, I know that is pure milk, for I drow it from the cow, washed the can thoroughly, strained iti itit,t) tliti citti, and nobody else has handled it.' Now, when I take the cover from the can, out loap* a bull frog. Surely the frog is stronger evidence than Llletnun I"

ENGLISH SPOKEN HERE. The tradesmen are beginning to be jovial once more, as witness the following small anec- dote, which was told by ono of them the other day The landlord of art hotel, frequented by strnmgers, is accusted by a comical-looking Eng- lishman, who says to him in French to Look here—what do you mean by putting on your windows, and in your prospectuses, 4 Eng- lish spoken when there is not a soul in your wretched establishment who knows a word of anything except French 1" The landlord looks surprised, brings ap his shoulders to his ears, allows them to descend again, thou mildly ejaculates 44 Monsieur is mistaken 44 The deuce 1 Lti, How can you explain that ?" 44 It is very easy. Does noo monsieur speak English? Did he nob speak it all last evening at the tnUe-'fltot? with the fat lady with the yel- low-hair, an ] i,be large teeth, and the King Charles spaniel? Very well-moilsiour speaks English, the fat lady with yellow-liuir speaks Eiiglish, ulld English is spoken here!" To which there was, of course, UO reply.

PEOPLE'S PROPER PIACES. The Brewers should to Malta go, The Boobies all toScilly; The to tbe Friendly Isles, The i'dniers to Chili. The litt le, darling, carolling babes That break our nightly rOilt, Should be packed oif to Baby-Ion, To Lapland or to Brest. From Spit-head, cooks go o'er toGrceoe; And while the miser waits His passage to 11.0 Guinea Coasb, At- it) tile Strait,& Spinsters should to the Needles go, WJne- bibbers to Burgundy; Gum ijiam^ should tat" at It"dwicb {PIle&, Wigs at the Bay of Fun-dy. Bachelors to the United States, Mai ls to the IL-le Of Mftll Let Gardeners go to Botany Bay, And Shoeblacks to Japan. Thus emigrants and misplaced men Will here no longer vex us; And all who aren t provided for Had better go to Texas.

NOT ALL"THE~SAMET During the old coaching-days, about sixty or seventy years ago, travelling was ilt many ways much more difficult than it is now. Frequently you could not depend on getting a place in the coach unless you booked it the dtty before. An old gentleman, who was very stout, was about to travel from Edinburgh to Glasgow, and on account of his stoutness he determined to book two places, so that lie might have plenty of room, and make sure of being comfortable. For this purpose he sent his servant the nighb oefore to book two inside places. The man re- turned in a few minutes, saying "ihavo booketl you, sir; but there were nob two inside place* left, so I booked you one iu aud one out."

A FAMOUS RAILWAY FREE PASS. Mr. Brooks, a railroad manager, wrote to man living on the Central Route, threatening to prosecute him forthwith unless the removed a barn he had run up on the company's pro- perty. The recipient did not read the letter, because reading ib was impossible, but he made out the signature, and arrived at the conclusion that the manager had favoured him with a free pass along the line. As such he used it for a couple of years, no conductor on the route being able bo dispute his reading of the document.

SPRING GUNS. An English gentleman being desirous, during the late severe winter, of forwarding a letter to a friend in a great hurry, employed an Irish labourer, who was working on his grounds, take it, urging him to make all the haste in his power. The irishman instantly threw down his power. The irishman instantly threw down his shovel, and seizing the letter, darted across tile hedge of an adjoining field, where there was a board warning trespassers of the danger they would incur from "mantraps" And" spring- guns." The gentleman called out lustily to the man to come back, which he did, and requested to know the reason for his being so called. 44 Why," said the gentleman, "are you nob afraid of t.h<; >p:ing guns?" "Lor' bless yet honour," said Pab, "what have I to be afra,ill of Sure you know spring guns won't, shoot in h iut-r t ime 1" It is almost i„el!oss to say, that Pat departed On his errand atuidst a roar of laughter. I HE UNDERSTOOD IT. Louis XIV. ivsked Count Mahouey if he under- stood Italian. "Yes, please your Majesby," said the couub, 44 if it's spoken in Irish."

One of our contributor has a pig so well ellu. cated that he has taken to music. They regu- late his time by twisting his tail-the greater the twist the higher the note! "Luitclied thrown in," is a prominent motto in soine localities. Anybody who will take the trouble to watch the lunch counter ftoill adiuib that they nie. A Hollow SJockery.—An echo. A young fn](i?ii!pman lately went to join his thio. 140 iliel on deck by the captain, uho laid, Well, youngster, so Yoll %,a come to "ill U8. I suppose it, the 0111 sl.(,t.y- fool of the f&mily, Haw, T(, which the middy 'cutely replied, "011, IIn, sir, it's like ever} thing else—all changed since your day;" The cap- tain decided 1101 pursue the (piestion. Michael the ( nee popular nnd oomposer, was ih business in the Ifnymmket as ft Willd merehant, and wrote over door, •4 Michael Kelly, Composer of Music and liki. JiorLer of Wine, hiheridau suggested the follow- ng alteration ..Mb-liae! Kelly, Importer of Music and Compos, r of Wine for," said the wit, 44 none of hi* is original, aud all his wine is, eim-o he UU'«H i:, himself," Freddy is a Ii: U" one of seven years growth, the sou of a mini-tor who, with his wife, has I'ust arrived at a imw Meld of labour. Hearing lis mot her say to his fattier that she had been deceived by his saying the parsonage was a three-story building, when in fact: it was only two lie said, ;\1" 44 Well, Freddy." The kitchen is "lie." Ye, "This floor is two, and the story that pa told is three." Perhaps the most perfect bull of its kind, and, the one on \vh ch the mind lingers with the greatest gratification, is that recorded of Madame Talleyrand. "Oh, I am so j^lad, ex- claimed ike la,ly one day at table, "tliat I don't¡ like spinach." "Why are you glad of ib?" g od- nalurediy asked Talleyrand. 44 Because, don't you see,' Iho fair dame replied, if I iikjjtJ •otaMk then I should sob it j oud I bab I It

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HER WEDDING. [ kissed the bride while other well Uncertain stood its if in dou bb Whether my act to imitate or-go without. As playmate, friend, and lover, I Had worshipped at her shrine, and now I stood a witness of her pledge and marriage vow. Others had loved her too not I Alone had found her fair; bub she Could love and wed but one-and so you see,- The rivals heard tho dainty lips We longed to press, with solemn voice, Pronounce tho uarne of him who was her sweetheart's choico. I kissed the bride; a happy man And proud the proudest in thab room, Iwceu, aud that with reason. Wua I Dot the groom?

HE WALKED. A gentleman having boasted that ib was oasy enough to 44 do railway companies oub of their fares, and that lie had passed from one station to another of a certain road the day before witlioub a ticket, was approached by an officer of tho road, who wanted to know how ib was done. The gentleman agreed to tell for a "considera- J tion." lb was paid, and then the officer said 44 Now tell me how you did it." "I walked," quietly replied the gentleman.

THE STRATAGEM OF A QUAKER. A Quaker was returning to his home one evening on a particularly fine horse, when he was stopped by a man wit.h his face blackened, mounted oil a wig whose ribs, bones, and joints one could count! through its skin. "Holy man," said the new comer, 44my horse, which can still dimly remember the landing of Julius Ctesar, stands sorely in neod of such atten- tion as yours appears to be enjoying. If you liko we'll exchange. You haven't a pistol, and I have. Tho Quaker considered. U W hut's to be done? At any rate, I have a second horse at home, bub not a second life." So they exchanged, and the robber quietly rode off towuwards with the Quaker's horse. The Quaker, however, led the robber's starved beast by the bridle, and upon arriving at the town threw the reins upon its back, saying" Lead the way, thou bag of bones thou canst better tind thy master's stable than I." He followed the horse up street and down streeb till ib stopped at a door aud would go no further. The Quaker entered the house, and found the thief jusb rubbing the soob from hia face with an old stocking. "So thou hasb gob home, friend," said the Quaker and if thou hasb no objection we well amend our exchange, for ib was nob lawfully made. Give me back my horse thine is at the door." The rascal, seeing he was outwitted, had no choice but to deliver up the stolen horse. Be so good, friend," said the Quaker, 44 as to give me six shillings for horse hire; thy beasb hath nob been ridden." # The scoundrel was obliged to pay this too. The Quaker remarked upon leaving, 44 The animal bath au easy trot, hath it nob, friend ?

FARE THE WELL. Lady Mary Augusta, farewell! « My passion I never shall tell; You'll reject me, I'm sure, For you know that I'm poor, You spell love with a capital f-

PERMITTED TO PLAY THE FOOL. The next witness was Mr. Andrew Woodyard, surgeon, who deposed thab he bad exomiued the dead body, and had no doubt but that the wounds on the head were the cause of death. Counsel for the prosecution Would such a blow always produce death as an inevitable con- sequence t" Witness 44 No." Counsel: 14 In whab eases do you think, Mr. tVoodyaid, a more favourable result uiighb be anticipated?" Witness 44 jn the case of idots, of atheists, and of young lawyers that is to say, where the brain is soft, 's ly-il%Uiig or is wrongly placed." Couuset for the defence (laughing): 44 We shall decline to cross-examine this witness." So. without moving Ii tnuilcle of his face, Mr. Woodyard was about to quit the witness-box, wheu the judge exclaimed in a severe tone "The witness will do well to remember that to give evidence in a court of justice.is a serious mat- ter." 441 am perfectly serious, my lord," replied tho surgeon, turning full upon him 441 am weil aware that none but judges and Queen's counsels at the lowest are permitted to play the fool in such places as this." 441 have g|'oat mind to commit you, sir," thundered the judge, bending his brows upon him. In doing so, my lord, you would commib your- self," said Mr. Woodyard and, without waiting for the falling of Me storm, he hurried oub of the court.

A notice in a druggist's window recommending a certain patenb medicine had a double meaning, "Try one box, you will never wanb any other medicine." 44 And now, my dear brethren, what sliall I say more?" thundered the long-winded minister. "Amen!" came in sepulchral tones from the abseub- minded deacon in the back of the church. An old bachelor, who died recently, left a will dividing all his property among the women who had refused hitD-" Because," said be, 41 to them I owe all my earthly happiness." »

NOTICE TO THE PUBLIC 1 J. G. NICHOLS, j BOOT AND SHOE MANUFACTURER AND LEATHER SELLER, Jubilee Buildings, Crane Street, Pontypool (FOR 24 YEARS WITH MR. W. PARKHOUSE), Begs to return his sincere thanks to the Public for the gratifying amount of patronage which has been accorded him since he commenced Business at the above Address. J. G. N. has just Purchased a LARGE STOCK of BOOTS and SHOES, of Best Quality, for Summer wear, which he will dispose of at the LOWEST POSSIBLE PRICES. JAN INSPECTION OF GOODS & TRIAL ORDER SOLICITED. NOTE THE ADDRESS :— i Jubilee Buildings, Crane Street, Pontypool.

SCRAPS. A prominent lawyor in going to his place of business overtook a neighbour, who is a cele- brated doctor. After walking some diattalice together, the lawyer said 1. 441 don't, think we ought to be seen together." 44 Why not!" Well, you see, we being together will re- mind the people of thab robber who was arrested." 44 Why 80!" When the people see a lawyer and a doctor together it looks like a demand, Your money or your life I A swimming school in Frankfort-on-the- Main announces in English, 44 Swimming in structions given by a teacher of both sexes." II Well, neighbour, what's the most Christian news this moruiug ? JJ said a pious gentleman to hie friend. „ 441 have jusb boughb a barrel of Hour for a poor woman." 44 Jusb like yon," said the other; v;ho is i(j that you have made happy by your charity this time ? 44 My wife 1" A youth who was being examined in English history was asked the question 44 With what crime was Lord Bacon charged ?" He hesitated a moment, and then answered, as if by an inspiration II With writing Shakespeare's plays." An Auld Kirk divine was one day walking along one of the streets of the capital of the Oreadea, when he met a well-known tinker, Well. John, can you say the 44 Lord's Prayer" yeb ? "Och man," said John, "every man tao hia trade. Can you mak' a tin pail?" George, old friend, good-bye. We may never meet again. I am going abroad as a mis- sionary. "Goillg to leave London Why this ra*h step, Art bur ? Is it positively necessary that you should sacrifice yourself for the heathen "I think it is, George. I am going to New York to show the liatives an English gentle- man. They have caught oil to Uie cockney dress and slang and are making apes of (likein- selves. For the credit of England I mltik evangelise them or perish." D The most laconic interview that ever took place, perhaps, Wt\8 when Alfred Tennyson paid a visit to Thomas Carlyle at Chelsea. For two hours these great men sab in the library smoking their pipes, and not a word broke the itillness. When Tennyson arose to go, Carlyle went with him to the door, and grasping his band, said "Eh, Alfred, we've had a grand nighb? Come back again soon Old Bltffer-" Now, you musb be careful how you drive, Cabby, and go slowly over the stones —I don't like to be shaken and mind you pull ap at the right house, and look out for those ireadfal railway vans." Cabby- Never fear, sir, I'll do my beeb. And which 'orspital will I take you in case of a toe !den b? A college sbudenb was invited one Sunday to iccnpy the pulpit in a little country church. After what he considered a masterly effort on the subjecb of Lazarus and the rich man," he sailed on a good old brother to pray, and was lomewhab electrified to hear the following: 44 0 Lord we thank thee that we are 110b iike this poor despised beggar Lazarus, who "S,yo just been listallill ,to A difficulty—Captain De Vere Jones 9 if ten wonder, as you Americans seem n fond of titles as we are, why you\dou'b st»f'i tristocracy of your own." Colonel Van Tromp, U.S. 44 Well, foa they'd all have to be dulces to begin with." Teacher II How many wars were ..ge4 with Spain ? jA Pupil: "Six." „ f> Teacher 44 Enumerate the, I Pupil 44 One, two, three, four, five, six." ft- A young fre«»fcJ*man> having more money than t si ass i oat knowledge, was mvutjj to make one of £ a yachtiog party. On the voyage he became very ill. He begged f to be put ashore. When he reached luud bo said, with a sigl, of relief you can have all the sailing you want; buo give uie terra cotia i "Have you read 4The Descent of Man'?" A asked Clara, looking over the bookshelves. Jr"" 44 No," said George, a lit,tle timidly; 44 don'b. care for it, but I'd like to get the assent of f woman." s Ib is curranbly reporbei tliab he got it the verf l|| next Sunday night that ever was. |pl 441 should like to have a coin dated the year M of my birth," said a maiden lady of uncertain |Ml age to a male acquaintance. 44 Do you think jSm\ you could get one for nie ? W 441 aui afraid not,'i, he replied. 44 These old || coins are only to be found iu very valuable ooliec- ft tions." W And yet he cannot see why, when he meb the W lady next day, she didn't speak, to him. t A lady who was noted for her placid tempery being asked how she contrived to maintain such equanimity, said, pleasantly, ohab Filif3 did nob wish her lace furrowed by untimely wrinkles Think of this, la.liij*. fcvory tillle you ggold your husband, "d,1 wi inkle to your featuros 1:1 It Lnlld., lueiussou amy answer for you also. Little Bess (to caller): "You ain'b-" black, Mr. M 44 Black, child V; ".v, 11o, I should hope nob. What made yoo i-h- u, 44 Oh, nolhiu copt pa said you was awful niggardly." HeJl(), Buckley, you're looking up to day. What s the matter ? Been backing a winner ot M something like I I, a I" 61. f ••Nosir; J |IV(! ied my manhood ands!o m glorying in | ivy Mi, own up my job." "Vy *"}' 'lj»w as that." W j* ell, sir, t'- <,M\ i.. i- n-m!e a remark to -9 winch I WON'T 7:;IIH1 fis in an) man and work fol M bun tlierenftvrJr "GraciOiis What, did he -ay ?" f "He said, Y vur eei vices are no longer re- quited.' „ In every 'walk of life work is a powerful anti- dote for low spirits. The busy have no Lime to be sad. The saying, 44 Labour is prayer," is never truer than when applied to the grief- stricken and to those whose woes are mors fanciful than real, but none the less productive of discomfort on that account, t.oil will afford a speatliet- and atirer relief than any other remedy ever devised by man. Try hard work theiit bodily nr mental, or both, as the best cure for a fib of the blues." Lecturer's Wife:" Well, John, back frodS your lecture trip at last ? Did you carry your audiences with you ?" Lecturer 44 No bubfl eould have done They were small enough:" POHTVPOOT,.—Printed by the Proprietor. HENKY HUGHES, of Osborne Road, in tb* Pariah OF Txtr Vffto^HMttMatftl»ltafoM^taLOikorMR«A-Jaiae 2, 1893