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FUN AND FANCY. 0- Viaiiesr: "Why do you make some of your sslaa xmmd and some of them square?" Wife: "Because my husband has been oom- plaining of saaisnass of his diet lately." "I ca-M take 100 words a minute," said one aitortfeaisd writer to another. I often take more iham that," remarked the other, in aor- jpowful aeze-sta; "but then I have to. I'm sutraied." Prøfessor (laroturing upon the rhinoceros): m I mv-st befr jam to give me your individual atteistjeo. It is absolutely impossible that j-ou C,"U1 form a truo idea of this hideous ani- nasl mnle,%a jws keep your eyes fixed on me." "Papa," said a little boy, "ought the Wiaster to flog me for what I did not do?" Certaicly mot, my boy/J replied the father. Well." ftiiid the little fellow, "he did to- &:3>j vrbsn I didn't do my sum." Sfesaiiraestal F5 >arding-IIouse Landlady: yes, this world is indeed a vale of tears; Ihere ia flew on tlxe r,,rrics, thorn on the roses Uasentimental Boarder: Yes, and In and hairpins in the soap." Bitter; "What have you got?" Waiter: I've got calrea' liver, sheep's brains, pigs' feet Diner: I don't want a list of yonr physical peculiarities; all I want to know » what you've got to eat." Lady: "1 do no like it when you preach, Mr. Lecicrjie." Mr. Lecterne (much pleased): "So glsad you appreciate niy sermons." Lady: YeL;, you see when you preach I slways get stwr-h a good seat." ■] "Why doers Mr. Jinks have such a hang- dog, vmcomfor&able look about hiunt Is it be- i cause, he is in financial .trouble?" "Oh, no. It Is boenose hç is the father of children of school age, a:d they hi? ve begun to ask him io help their* with their ariiinaetie." 44 How has Wilson been doing?" asked the J yeoman who bad just returned South A!rica. Well, he has n -dj a <»< :-d deal of ) money, but.—" "G.ftni on w. d, M he?" Ve«, he seemed io be ine along lirat-rate -irittH he tried to pass s<hi. of it." so to jfa v Goo<l-n!?;kt' I" re- marked an t:or.rvf.'cib.d vonng man at the front "I f- iti n my heart to «»y 1 Goo(7-;ii -!rf J s -ply— "Look here, ywmg «»»»n. it!?»•;■■ <> (>•<? 'the girl's father "if y„-i a l itie be abb; say ■ Good morning A aSatejwsBi made in good faith, but diffi- cult to aeeepf, was recently offered to his. congregation by a country pastor. He had bee it Isoldina forth c«i the'advantages of plain speaking. "Wljy, brethren." he said, bring- ing his h'tnd down upon the pulpit with great vigour, "there's no pefd of aft these long words and hiah-»ounding terms; not a bit. Look at St. Paid, I say His words were full of the meat of knowledge and help, and he didn't make use of any five-syllable talk. No, lie alwavs spt'ke in piai.11, nimple English, my brethren' ) Koddv was the clergyman's handyman, and his 'favourite resort was the barb r'ti shop. All of 'm'"suitdai» Roddy ceased visiting the barber's, and the clergyman asked him the reason. sir, i've quarrelled with him because he said things about you." "Indeed, I RO<ldY i And what was the barber t>ayu.<g | about "He iHid. '.ir, that your. heau was c'rackccj. "And Fm sure you contra- dieted bitr. said the yahmter, for he kne..v the barber's* love of jokitig. J'¡u, I couldn't <.111 iitjJ, sir, when hè\, bad your head in his h ¡tl\Ü S(J (.fira. 1 thoujiht he olght to know, tout 1 so angry al Itint telling everyone." The fieadnnstresa of a high school for girls took her pupils for a trip to the Lake District, and SPIlt them on by themselves to view a famous waterfall in the vicinity. She ex- pected them to be enraptured by the beauty of the fall, and was amazed when, in leas than half an hour, they all came trooping hack., looking very much disappointed. gins, how's thi*?" she cried. 1 didn't expect luU i back for hours ytt." "Oh, ma'am, we couldn't stay tnere. really," was the plaintive answer. It's so shockingly primitive and out-of-date would you believe' it. there isn't a picture- po.»t-eard shop in the v.ii.ole place!" He was romantic, but bashful for his age. At 25 it i,4 expected nowadays that a man vliotdd be 1 waiter of fact. 8he was his equal in romance, but a trine older, old enoiign in deed to bo a widow. The conversation had turned on the f' er important subject of mothers-in-law. There v.ss a lull in the argu- ment. (.lazing i'»rf she sighed and said • Ab 11W I <m» ill never have another mothei vi? in-law." lie looked at her With interest for a moment and then suddenly blurted out: .(Ii,, fi very young." It aii but he could not draw back. She threw heraelf into his ariiis sjnd thn have lived happily—up to now. Jinks; "How did you come to lose so much money on the races?" WLika: "Got too many tips before I started." A West-end bookseller tells the following wmusing »tory of a conversation he held re- cently with a well-to-do, but illiterate, client. "I n)ii-At have some books," the latter rc marked, axid went on tf byphun thrit he had found an emjuy library in a nouHo which he had pureliastd in Kensington. His only con- dition wa. the volume* should be hind- aome. The bookseller suggested that half should be bound in Kussia and half in Morocco. "What's to hinder you from having tue lot bound in Loudon?" want the unex- pected response." ce.] obson, I do believe that if you were given the choice between me and your pipe you would hesitate." "That's where you make a mistake, Mrs. Jobson. A pipe soothes and comforts a mam in his old age." She was an economical, industrious, and ambitions young wife, and often tried to per- suade her husband to give up smoking. One day she pointed out to him, in exact figures, how miieh he spent in tobacco in the course of a year. "And you would be better off," she said, "men tally and. physically, as well as financially, without your pipe." "But all great men have smoked," he urged. "Well, Sh0 said, "just promise me that you'll give op ,14moking till you're great. 111 be quite Btttiafied. -That fellow rejoiecs in the name of Slob- I laemi»aky." "I .don't believe it." H Honestly, that's his Stuac." ""Oh, I don't doubt that, But I dn:'1; bstieva hs rejoices."




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