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) FUN AND FANCY. H i I Exporter: u So that absconding cashier got away by sacrificing his beard, did he?" Detective: "Yes; I missed him by a close shave." Friend: "You took your son into your establishment some months ago to teach him the business, I understand. How did it turn out?" Business Man (wearily): "Great suc- cess. He's teaching me now." Friend: "Hallo, Pat! I scarcely knew you with your whiskers off." Pat: "The same wid me, me bhoy. I didn't know meself when I looked into the glass, except by me voice." Confidential Clerk: "Your wife is in the outer office, air, and would like to speak with you a moment." Employer: "Yes. Ah—er— Jenkins, just see what my balance is at the bank, will youf "Is the baby *trong?" "Well, rather. You Aiiow what a tremendous voice he has? "Yes." "Well, he lifts that five or six times an hour." Suatt, the famous actor, was one day alighting from a coach after a long journey in the pouring rain, when a friend who had oorae to meet him asked, Are you Suett? The immediate answer was, "No, I'm drip- ping i Mamma: "What is that book you are read- ing, Willie?" Little Willie: "It's a book ,called 'Child Training' that I borrowed." Mamma: "Do you find it amusing?" Little illie: "Oh, ha I merely wanted to see if I had been brought up properly I H Is your husband up yet? asked an early morning caller. "Yes, I believe he is," replied the stem-looking wife. "I'd u*.e to •ay a iew words to him," said the visitor. "I'd like to say more than a few. He hasn't some home yet!" "Did your husband have any luck on his shooting trip?" asked the friend of the family. "Yes, indeed," replied the knowing lady! "He managed to get home without •hooting himself or anybody else." -t "Don't you know, my boy," said the clergyman, gravely, "that you should not play. football on Sunday?" "That's all riglit, sir," was the cheery response. "We ain't playing; we're only practising for to- ondortow's game." ■ I'M: "J "Yoti: are positively the most conceited man I ever ?net! said a young lady to her brother. I conceited exclaimed the ^outk. ''Why, there's not an atom of conceit in my body! Another man with half my ability- would be unbearably proud!" When the register was, being signed the vicar asked the bridegroom: "Have you had any hail this morning?" The man blushed and hesitated, but at length replied, "Well, sir, I did just have a glass afore I started." Old Gumleigh (to conductor, who has just given him a ticket): "Young man, I laid the first foundation of my fortune by saving tram farea. I Conductor: "Ah, sir, that may be so; but you must remember that a oon.ductor couldn't do that sort of thing nowadays with these bell-punches and the check system." The Actrem: "Dear me! I have lost the kandbag containing all my diamonds. What *hall I do?" Her Manager: "Oh, don't maie a fuss about a little thing like that." The Actress: Biut the handbag also con- tained a sovereign." Her Manager: "Great Scot! I'll telephone for a detective at once." "Did I hear somebody in this crowd say I was a liar?" blustered the village bully, approaching a group of men he thought he knew. "Where's the guilty party?" "Maybe it was me," quietly rejoined a husky stranger, who measured fully 6ft. and looked to be stronger than an ox, as he pulled off his coat and proceeded to roll up his sleeves. Oh, that's all right," continued the bully, as he hurriedly backed away. "Keep your clothes on; I didn't say I wasn't." "I never saw anything like this tide! gaid he. "Here I've been pulling steadily for ten minutes, and we don't seem to have moved a foot." "Oh, Mr. Stroker," said she, after a pause, "I've just thought of some- thing. The anchor fell overboard a little while ago, and I forgot to tell you Do you tuppoae it could have caught on something? A lady was applied to for charity by a well- dressed woman. "Are you married? waa the question. "Yes." "What is your hus- band I "Out-o'-work." "But what is he when he is in work?" asked the lady. "You don't understand, miss," was the reply. "He's a regular out-o'-worker." A negro was under suspicion for chieken' stealing. He was called before the pastor and deacons of his chapel, and evidence was given as to character. The parson inquired of one of the witnesses: "Now, do you think that Brother Sambo is the man who would be likely to steal chickens?" "Well," said the witness, "I would- not like to say that, pastor, but if I was a chicken and, Brother Sambo was about I should roost high!" A gentleman, the son of a well-known M.P., was riding recently near Edinburgh, when he overtook an agricultural labourer driving an empty cart. Thinking the oppor- tunity favourable for soliciting the man's views on political matters, he asked him several questions, but found little encourage- ment. "Do you go in for politics about here?" he at last asked in despair. "No," said the man "A'm gaun for gas-pipes." Mistress (angrily): "How dare you talk back to me in that w»y? I lIever saw such impudence. You have a lot of nerve to call yourself a lady's maid." New Maid: "I don't call myself that now, ma'am; but I was a lady's maid before I got this job."



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