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FUN AND FANCY. *1 say, my man, have you seen a golf bftlf about?" "No, mum; but I've got one in me pocket as I brought from 'ome as I can sell yer." An English tourist asked a Hieland lassid whether it was customary for girls in her country to ga about barefooted. "Pairtly they do, and pairtly they mind their own business! the girl answered sharply. "Did you hear that the daughter of that rich man in the next street had been driven from home ?" "No! When did it happent'* "Just after she got into the carriage." Stranger (to native in Duke-street, Liver- pool): "Would you please tell me where I can find a large medical library in this city?" Citizen (solemnly): "Underground, air; I there you will find the greatest works of physicians." Young Doctor (breathlessly): "I am ioid I that a gentleman who lives it this house has just broken a leg." Resident: "Yes. Aro you a carpenter? Young Doctor: "A car- penter? No; I'm a surgeon." Resident: "We want a carpenter, not a doctor. It's a woodea leg." ) I "Who is that man I hear talking in the kitchen, Mary?" asked a mistress of her cook. "Please, ma'am, he's—er—he's my long-lost brother." "Then please be good enough to lose him again—as quickly as you can! mid the lady. I u Good afternoon, Miss Brown! Going for a walk? May I go with youT" asked an elderly but ardent admirer of the lady. T es; my doctor says that we must walk with an object, and I suppose you'll answer the purpose! "Things never happen just right," said the moody man. "The pianist in the flat atiovo me has a sore throat, and the girl who i.0 training to sing in grand opera has just sprained her C¡:i'tI"w' ——— f "You seem to have a good deal of faith in ( doctors," said the friend of the sick man. "I have," was the reply; "a doctor would be foolish to let a good customer like me die." "That's a fine-looking old gentleman ( Brown's father, ian't it?" asked a collegian of a friend. "Yes," was the answer; "but he is a champion at breaking his word!" "You don't say so?" "Yes—he stutters!" Irate Passenger (who has managed to board a motor-bus that didn't stop): "Sup- pose I'd slipped and lost a leg, then what?" Conductor (kindly): "You wouldn't have to do any more jumpin' then. We always stops for a man with a crutch." "But I am so unworthy, darling," he mur- mured, as he held the dear girl's hand in his. "Oh, George," she sighed, "if you and pspft agreed on every point as, you,, do pn that, how happy we would be." Turnbull: "They have a big dinner party at Blanque's to-night to signalise the engage- melit-" Jenks (breathlessly): "Indeed! Which daughter?" Turnbull (continuing) s "The engagement of a new cook." Tramp: "Please, mum, me and my mate are shipwrecked sailors." Lady: "Fiddle- sticks Neither of you was ever near the sea." Tramp: "Quite right, lady. We was on a airship!" Bald-headed Gentleman (having his boots polished in an hotel): "Confound it! you take an abominably long time about it." Shoeblack: "Yes, sir; it ain't done so quick as when you 'as your 'air cut!" "I asked the young woman in front of me to remove her big hat, so that I could see the stage." "Did she do it?" "No; she said if the held her hat in her lap, she couldn't set the stage herself." "An artist," said the man with pointed whiskers, "must not think about money." "I suppose not," answered Mr. Tompkins. "Every time I buy a picture the artist want# enofugh to keep him from thinking about money for the rest of his life." Lord Roberts once promised to inspect th. boys' brigade battalion in Glasgow, but at the last moment was prevented by illnem. A local officer was secured to fill his place, and in selling tickets for the inspection it was thought only fair to let purchasers know that the distinguished field-marshal would hot be present. One small brigade boy came up and asked for two tickets for his father and mother. The clerk said, "Do your father and mother know that Lord Roberts is not to be present?" The boy replied, with a look of self-confidence, "It's no Lord Roberts they'll comin' to see, it's me." The employees of a large factory in Glal., 1 gow recently held their annual excursion. There was a programme of sports, and one of the items thereon wa's the veterans' race. Only two competitors faced the starter, and, much to the chagrin of one of the Ipectator8 at least, the oldest of the sprinters won easily by yards. Whilst helping the unsuc- cessful runner on with his coat, the disap- pointed spectator said: "A lost a bob over yo losing, Tam. A had ye backed tae win easily." "Ah, well," said Tam, consolingly, Mye ocht tae hiv backed me fer a place!" Willie: "Papa is going to let you marry sister." Featherstone: "How do you knowl" Willie: "lie said, after all, you were better than nothing." A motorist was stopped by a policeman, the light on the car being insufficient. Ho gave his card to the constable. "G. J. Smith," read the man in blue. "Go on with you!" he exclaimed. "I want your proper name and address. We've too many Smiths about here. Now, look sharp!" "Then, said the motorist, "if you must have. it, il's William Shakespeare, Stratford-on-Avon "Thank you, sir," replied the policeman. "Sorry to have troubled you!" And he care- iuily entered the particulars in his book.