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FUN AND FANCY. Beggar: "Spare a penny, sir! I'm start* ing." Swell: "Here's sixpence for you. I don't care a. hang about your hunger, but for the sake of decency go and get shaved." "Ef I was thin like that," remarked the telegraph boy, gazing after the retreating figure of a slim masher, "I wouldn't pay no 'bus fares; I'd get in a. draught and blow down the street." "Why are you crying, my little man" 'Cos I don't want to go to school!" "Bali why not?" 'Cos my sister jilted the school- master last night "How is your husband, Mrs. Brownf asked the wife of a country vicar. "Poorly, ma'am, thankye! 'E wor gitten along nicely, but naow the doctor says 'e 'as got the conva- lescence "We obtain wool from sheep. The wool ia made into cloth, and with the cloth they make clothes. Now, Edmund, what is your overcoat made of?" "Of an old one crf father's, sir!" Young Cook (to policeman lover): "How aeatly you carve that goose!" With a and- den outburst of jealousy: You have de- ceived me! I am not your first love." "Do you play any instrument, Mr. Jiinp?' "Yes, I'm a cornetist." "And your tIIiflterf- "She's a pianist." "Does your mother play?" "She's a zitherist." "And your father?" "He's a pessimist." "I hadn't been talking with him three minutes before he called me an aes. What eort of a person is he?" "Well, I never knew him tell a lie." "Do come upstairs, mother," said the littJø boy to his mother as they stepped on to tramcar. "Not this time, dear, I'm in a hurry," she said, as she moved inside. "But, mother," convincingly, "doesn't the top go as fast as the bottom?" The Best Friend: "I hear her old hnshaaJ shows her a doglike devotion." The Casual Gossip: "Yes; they say he is always growl- ing at her." "Mr. Grumbley writes: I' don't see how you can have nerve to, sell your worthle" re- medy for half a crown a bottle.' Oh, in- deed Well, strike out 'have nerve to' and worthless,' and put the letter in our testi- monials." Mrs. Newlywed: "It's just brutal cf you to call it 'this stuff.' You said you'd be glad if I baked my own bread ftnd Mr. Newly- wed "Yes; but I didn't say I wanted you to bake mine." Firet Sportsman (with big load of game): "You don't appear to have had such good luck as I had." Second Sportsman (with empty bag): "No-o! My attendant wasn't as good a marksman as yours." The Vicar: Did you see a pedestriaa pass this way a few minutes ago?" Farm Hand: "No, sir. I've been workin' on fhia tater patch more'n a nower, and notter thing hae passed 'cept a solitary man, an' he was tramping on foot." A Miss Buchanan, once rallying her cousin, an officer, on his, courage, said Now, Mr. Harry, do you really mean to tell me you can walk to a cannon's mouth without fear?" "Yes," was the prompt reply, "or a Buchanan's either." And he did it. "Young man," said a father, "I don't want you to be too attentive to my daughter. Why—er—really," stammered the young man, "I had hoped to marry her some- "Exactly; and I'd like you to marry her, but if you're too attentive to her you won't have money enough to do it." "I never saw such a storm in all my life." "Pardon me, my friend; since you 'saw' the storm, no doubt you can tell us what colour it was." "Certainly! The wind blew and the storm rose, you ninny!" "What part of speech is 'kiss'?" asked a high school teacher of one of her pupils the other day. "A conjunction," replied one of the smart girls. "Wrong!" said the teacher severely. "Next girl." "A noun," answered j a demure little maiden. "What kind of a I noun?" continued the preceptress. "Well, it is both common and proper," answered the shy girl, and she was placed to the head of the class. Sir Leopold M'Clintock, the Arctic es- plorer, who died recently, was once giving an account of his experiences amid the icefields of the North. "We certainly would have travelled much farther," he explained, "had not our dogs given out at a critical moment." "But," exclaimed a lady, who had been listening very intently, I thought that the Eskimo dogs were perfectly tireless crea- tures." Sir Leopold's face wore a whimsi- cally gloomy expression as he replied, "I-sir —speak in a culinary sense, miss." During the South African War an Irielt trooper on outpost duty one night felt so desperately tired that he thought he would 1aavetive minutes' nap. Placing his helmet on a rock, he lay down, and was soon in a sound sleep. Waking suddenly, he mistook his helmet for one of the enemy, drew his sword, and dealt it a severe blow. Then, per- ceiving his mistake, the trooper picked up hit helmet, which he had cut in two, and gave thanks to heaven that he had taken it off before lying down. "For," he soliloquised, "had my head been inside that, it's ten to one a dead man I would have been seeing mesilf at this moment!" Fullcash (waking with a start in the middle of the night, and hearing sounds in his bed- room): "Who's there? Speak! Who's there?" Hoarse whisper from the darkness: "For goodness' sake, hush. There's a., burglar just gone downstairs; I'm a policeman, and if you'll keep quiet, and not, strike a light, I'll nab him in two twos." Fullcash obeys; and the whisperer, whose name is Sikes, amblee gently downstairs and out of the back door with his booty. A teacher instructing a class in history asked one of the children how many wars England fought with Spain. "Six," the little girl answered. "Six? queried the teacher. "Enumerate them, please." "One, two, three, four, five, six," replied the child cheer- fully and confidently.