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---r-.-ill!;j LORD FISHER'S…






J FUN AND FANCY. Visitor: "What a remarkable voice that young lady downstairs has It must have a range of at least three and a half octaves." Renter. Three aid a half octaves? It has a range of isic flats and a top attic!" "You know, my dear boy," said a sympa- thising friend to a man in trouble, "that we really gain by our trials in life." "That de- pends altogether on the kind of lawyer you get to conduct them!" replied the sufferer. "Always be careful of your amwiates," was the advice given by a good lady to the son of a fishmonger. "A boy often becomes like those with whom he associatee." "Garn!" rejoined the lad. "Why I've bin with fish all my life and I can't 1. ewim a etroke "Look here," said a tailor, as he ran up to a young man, "do you cross the street every time you see me to keep from settling your bill?" "Certainly not!" replied the debtor. "Then why do you do it?" asked the tailor. "To prevent you from asking for it!" answered the debtor. Mr. Giltman: "What have you done with my wife's pet poodle that I paid you £ 5 to ateal? Sneakthief Bill: "I returned it this morning, and got the L10 reward she offered for it." Visitor (to old salt, who had been relating his adventures): And what did you feel like when you were alone on the raft for fourteen days! Old Salt: "I got such a terrible thirst on me that I've never been able to get rid of it. I can feel it now." "Look here, you said that if I'd give you your dinner you'd mow the lawn for me said a lady of Suburbia to a tramp. "And now you refuse to do so." "I'd like to do it, ma'am, but I getter teach you a lesson," the man made answer. "Never trust th' word of a total stranger!" Savage: "I say, Russell." Russell, who is running at full speed, stops: "Well, what is it? Hurry up-puff, puff-please. I have only two minutes to-" Savage: "I merely wanted to say that you'd lose your train if you didn't hurry up." "Look here," cried the stage manager to an actor, "do you know you laughed when you were supposed to be dying?" "Cer- tainly," replied the actor. "At our salaries, why shouldn't death be greeted with joy?" Tom (an enthusiastic footballer, annoyed at seeing his side beaten): "They don't charge fkirly j h9rer" Maude (who knows nothing z, about football): "No; half-a-crown seems such a lot for a seat. Couldn't yre: stand next time? suppose, Bcidget," said Miss Woodby to the new maid, "you think it strange that one who plays the piano so perfectly as I do should practise so much," "Yis, mum," re- I plied Bridget; "shure, if 'twas me I'd give up in disgust." I' First Passenger: "Pardon me, but would you mind lending me your spectacles a moment?" Second Passenger: "WiWl ploa- • sure, sir." First Passenger: "Thanks, awfiilly. And now, as you can no longer read your newspaper, would you kindly j ass it over to me?" The Powder Manufacturer: "Fancy old The Powder Manufacturer: "Fancy old Bill, of all people, going into the gunpowder shed with a lighted candle. I should have thought that would be the last thing he'd do." The Workman: "Which, properly speakin', it were, jr." ir "Now," said the great magician, rolling up his sleeves to show that he had no concealed mechanism to deceive the eye, "I shall attempt my never failing experiment." Taking from his pocket a golden sovereign, hu said, "I shall cause this coin to disappear utterly." So saying, he lent the sovereign to a friend. White (slightly confused) "Miss Stirley, allow me to present my dear friend, Mr. Black." Miss Stirley: "But, Mr. White, this is Mr. Green." White: "Why, to be sure How stupid of me. This confounded colour-blindness of mine is always getting me into trouble." In a boarding-house one morning, in the town of T-, South Ireland, the landlady, while pouring out the tea, remarked to a boarder at the table: "What is the matter with the teapot, the tea is coming so slow?" Whereupon the boarder answered: "Oh, ma'am," he said, "it'6 too weak to travel." "Mamma," said little John, "I just made a bet." "You naughty boy, Johnny! Wtiat made you do it?" she asked. "I bet Billy Roberts my cap against two buttons that you'd give a penny to me to buy some apples with. You don't want me to lose my cap, do you?" He got tlte penny. It is well known that certain vagabonds desire nothing better, especially when the cold weather comes on, than to be arrested and locked up, in order that they may be taken care of for awhile. One of this frater- nity succeeded in getting himself arrested for vagrancy, and on the way to the lock-up he was so much overjoyed by the prospect of not having to sleep in the open-air that he be- haved somewhat boisterously. "Keep quiet!" threatened the policeman; "if you don't, I'll let you go "I was never more insulted in my life!" said a man well known for his unscrupulous methods with other people's property. "I met Tom Jackson just now, and, think of his impertinence, he carefully counted his fingers- after I had shaken hands" with him!" Fatherly Clergyman (surprising^ young parishioner in curl-papers): "Why utm't you leave your hair as it was meant to be, my child? If Nature had wanted your hair to curl, she would have curled it for you." Offended Young Lady: "When I was a little girl she did, sir, but I suppose she now thinks I am quite old enough to do it for myself." Jorkins: "I do not suppose there is a man living who could successfully forge my name to a cheque and get it cashed!" Morkins: "Is your signature such a peculiar one, then?" Jorkins: "No; but I haven't any money in the bank! ,-vi. —fciiS&aBii