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FUN AND FANCY. "If an empty barrel weighs ten pounds, what can yon fili it with to make it weicrh ven pounds"Have to give it up," "Fill I it full of bo-les." Molly (at Douglas, between waltzes): "He eays the world has been like a. desert to him I till he met me." Polly; "That ex-plains why he dances so like a earncJ, suppose I What would you do, dear, if I were to die?" asked Mrs, Darley, fosidly. J- I don't know," replied Dariev, thoughtfully. "Which is your choice—burial or cremationV Teacher: .ty Cfl. Fir«ddie^ the tail of the comet is 3,000.000 miles long." Freddie: Great Scott! There wouldn't be mpeh fun tying a tin can on the end of that Mr. New wed: The&e pies .aren't near M good as the ones mother used to make." Mrs. Newwed; tiiid your salary ain't near as g,.)ud As the ou £ my father used to make, titiler I" "It's too bad," staid jtfee judge,, caustically, "that the defendant should have chosen you for counsel. li u know nothing about law." "Weil, your honour/' replied the young lawyer, "I don't «ml to in .tius court." Heiress; If 13ut. failn'r., l-hai handsome foreign* (Joust says be will do something de- sperate and awiui if I will not marry h.m." Father (dryly); "lie will lie will have to work." Hieks: "Micawbsr'# wealth, i dare say, is wholly due to hits .ow/] unaided efforts." Wicks On the w/ntrary. the most of it is due to ins creditors; but they'll never get any of it." Porter (at cotititry tiotet), ''If the bed's too short, stick your feet through the hole in the wall! But leave your hoots on, so that I can black 'em in the 'morning i" D'Aubist Do yon think my battle picture expresses, 118 I have meant it to, all I the poignant horrors of war?" Krittick: "On, yes; it's the a»'fnlk,st thing I ever saw." A man dropped his .'ig in the street, and a boy, who was following elose behind him, picked it up and handed it to him. "Thank I you, my. boy," «&Ul the owner of the wig; "you re the first genuine hair restorer I've seen." "Woman is considered thfc weaker vessel," 'she remarked, "and yet "Well," he queried, as she hesitated. "And yet," she continued, "man is more often broke!" I She: Do you love me as much when you f are away from me?" He (fervently): "I love I you more, darling/' b (sigiiing); "I wish I could be with you tbu," f The Powder Manufacturer: Faney, old Bill of all people, going into the gunpowder shed with a lighted candle. I should have thought that that would be the last thing he'd do." The Workman; "WMefe, properly speakin', it were, *U'/f "Oh, I did so want to iiwe a talk with you I'm eimply mad to go on the stage!" exclaimed a gushing ykuug lady to a popular actor. "Yes, I should fciunk you would be, my dear young lady i" replied the great man. Old Chap: "Yes, sir, I'm ninety-three next birthday, and I don't recollect ever telling a lie." Young Mass "Well, you can't expect your memory to be very reliable at that age." Long: "That violinist's execution was simply marvellous! Strong: "Wasn't it, though! You could see the audience hanging on every note t j. Jack: "Smith asked me to come to his home this evening, Says he's going to cele- brate his golden wedding." Gladys: "Why, he's been married only three years." Jack>- "That's what I told him. Be said ;it seemed like fifty." Mrs. Boardem: "How do you find the chicken soup, 31r, Boarder Mr. Boarder: "I have no difficulty in finding the soup, madam; but I'm inclined to think tne chicken will prove an libi," "I has been told," said. Miss Miami Brown, "dat de parrot is one of de longes' lived birds dat ss." "De statement," re- pJicd Mr. Erasmus Pinkley, "is strictly ornithological." "I woutder why." "I 'specks dat one reason .why do parrot lives so long is dat he ain't good to eat." "Oh, I am so awfully ashamed of myself," said Edith Jones to lier dearest girl chum, "When Henry proposed -to ffi' last night, I intended to siy, 'So smddeu/ but I quite lost my head, and exeiaimfiid, At last r "Is your husband addicted to the use of "alcoholic stimulapt#?" queried the fair dis- trict visitor. "No, ntisjw," Avas the reply, "but the way he doen drink whisky is a cau- tion." Mrs. Jones has a horror of all lottery busi- ness, and when Jones told feer the other even- ing that he had joined om, things were a trifle rough at Turtle Dove Cottage, Having stood his wife's tongue for About an hour, Jones? fired up and MM JJ I suppose, my dear, you were never in a, lottery, were you? To which Mrs. Jowes replied: Only once, John. You know they say- marriage is a lot- tery well, I went in for that* and won & goose." "You say the victim wae ehot in the head?" queried the coroner. "Yes, sir," re- plied the witness. "Previous to the shoot- ing, had there been any trouble or threats that would have led the victim to expect the shot?" "No, sir; I don't think such a thing ever ent^ed his head before/* The village schoolmaster teoked anxious and worried. "What's the matter?" asked the viear. "I'm worried about the boys in the upper classes, sir, replied the master. "I've been teaching them how to revive the apparently drowiiefl." '"O'en, why should that worry yott? If on could riot teach them anything more useful." "Yes, sir. I know that, but I've already caught several of them trying to drown one another in order to prao tisc what they've beeo taught,"