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fyv FUN AND FANCY. Howard: "And how did that plain widoif Perkins capture the fastidious Mawker? '*> Coward: "Oh.! took him out in her car and showed him a few hundred of her building plots." Howard: "Ahl I see. A case of toyl at first site." "Young man," said the serious perma "don't you realise that the love of money 18 the root of all evil?" "Well," answered the spendthrift, "you don't see me hanging pit to money as if I* loved it, do you?" Customer: "Have you any gramophone nI8 sords P Grocer: "Hardly in our line, mirp gramophone records." Customer: "Why MCt} aren't they preserved tongue? "• Bronson: "I understand he painted cotl* webs on the ceiling so perfectly that the inaid wore herself out trying to sweep them down." Johnson: "'Tion't true. There may have been such an artist, but there aeTef was such a housemaid." The Amateur Lecturer: U My misguided friend, do you not know that success is only achieved by hard labour?" Roving Ike: "I done six months of it once at a stretch, M* come out no richer'n when I went in." Georgie: "That ink that papa writes witlti isn't indelible ink, is it, mother?" Mother: "No." "I'm glad of that." Wh,r! I'n spilt it all over the carpet." Liveryman (to applicant for a job): "Ere* had any experiences with horses?" Appli" cant: "Of course." Liveryman: "On wluclM aide of a horse do you stand when you has1* aess him?" Applicant: "On the-er-outsid#j eir." Shopwalker: "Don't you hear Miss Sellett calling 'Cash' at the top of her voice? tt Cash-boy: "Yes." Shopwalker: "Why dont you go to her?" Caeh-boy: "'Taint my turn. It's Jim Jimson's." Shopwalker: "Where is Jim?" Cash-boy: "He's just fell down the lift." Mrs. Gramercy: "What do we need foir dinner?" Bridget: "Shure, mum, I tripped over the rug, an' we need a new set of dishes." » First Dude "I've been invited to go shoot- ing next week. What ought I to give the fellow that beats up the biids ?" Second Dude: "Well, old chappie, it depends where you hit bim, don't you; know." "And what did the phrenologist say about little Willie?" inquired the friend of the family. A faint cloud obscured for a moment the father's brow. "It was a little curious," he replied. "He did not exactly say any- thing. He felt his bumpe. Then he picked up my money, and handed it back to me in silence." "Johnny, why do you spend all. your tim# oil these stairs?" asked Johimy's aunt. "Stairs weren't made to play on." "Well, where can I go ? Papa sends me upstairo and mamma sends me down. Seems to me I've got to stay half-way, somewhere." "Sir," requested the young man, entering with a suit on his arm, "I've brought theme clothes for you to press. The man next door ssys you are a gem at pressing suits! >"Well, the man next door is right," replied the suit presser; only this isn't a tailor** o-hop-ive a lawyer's office!" I "Crows are hardy birds," remarked the boarder. "In cold weather I have known them to go five days without food." If That'. nothing," chuckled the comedian boarder. "I've known crows to go five months without food." "Great Scott! What kind of. crowo ytere they?" "Why, scarecrows, of course." "Ah!" said Mr. Barnes, the barn trage- dian, "the people are gradually coming., to recognise my talent. I have hopes yet' of their entire friendliness." "I'd like to know why?" said the new stage hand as he swept up the stuff from the stage. "This year they are throwing boiled potatoes at me. Last year, my good fellow, they threw them raw. Fuddy: "So you think Forster an exceed- ingly bashful man?" Duddy: "Eminently so. Why, the other day, when taking bicycle lessons, he absolutely changed colour." Fuddy: "Indeed!" Duddy: "Yes; he was green when he began, but before he hod finished he was all black and blue." "My dear, I will have to ask you to giro me a little money to do some necessary shop- ping—I haven't a thing fit to wear." "JIJl right, my dear. Just wait a f,ew momentf until-1 run into tftwn and put a mortgage on the house." | Head of Business: "What position do you desire in our establishment, sir?" Aspiring Youth: "Oh, Something like confidential ad- viser or general manager." Head of Busi- nesg: "Good! You may have both jobs. I will make, you an office boy." Mrs. Dorcas: Why did you expel her from the Women's Glub?" Mrs. Learned t "She proposed a motion that, instead of en- gaging a professor of Hindu philosophy, we should hire someonib to teach us how to get into a cab, how to sharpen a pencil, and hOW to carry an umbrella in a crowd." i The: Lady of the House: "Why don't yow go to! work? Don'you kub*ihat a rolling stone gathers no mom Browning (the tramp): "Madam, nQt to evade, war question at all, but merely to obtain information, may I be kindly permitted to ask of .what practical utility moss is to a man inmy conditioiil" Perhaps few experiences of life are harder to bear than when an appeal to another out of the fulness of one's heart is received with an utter lack of sympathy. A dishonest gar- dener] had received notice of discharge from his master, a vicar, and, after an unsuccess- ful attempt to vindicate his character by plausible platitudes, said mournfully: "Ah, sir, you will miss me before I be gon6 half an hour!" "I shan't mind that," answered the reverend gentleman cheerfully, "if I miss nothing else!" "What makes you look so blue, old man? "Oh, Mabel has sent me back my ring. "Has she? Whafs the matter?" "We've —we've had a quarrel." "But what about? "Why, I hesitated when she asked if I was sure I'd have loved her just the same iJ •we'd never met."