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--_...__----. A FIERCE STREET…








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FUN AND FANCY. -0 My friend," said the debtor to the bluster- ing bill-collector, "have you ever stopped to think that if all fellows like me paid our bills regularly you'd be out of a job?" Client: "This bill of yours is exorbitant. There are several items in it that I don't understand at all." Lawyer: "I am per- fectly willing to explain it, but the explana- tion will cost you two guineas." His Honour: "You are charged with steal- ing chickens. Have you any witnesses?" Prisoner: "I have not. I don't usually steal chickens before witnesses." "The telephone is certainly a great inven- tion. Think of it! You can talk to your wife fiftv miles away." "That may be your experience. All I've been able to do is to listen." "Did you ever," said one preacher to an- other, "stand at the door after your sermon, and listen to what people said about it as they passed out?" The other replied: "I did once"—a pause and a sigh-" out I'll never do it again." Mark Twain once missed the train which should have taken him to his work. He did not wire any excuse. His telegram to his employer took this form: "My train left at 7.20. I arrived at the station at 7.35, and could not catch it." Irate Customer: "Look here, young man, I bought this hair tonic from you and it is absolutely worthless," Clerk: "We can't help that, sir." Irate Customer: "But you guaranteed each bottle." Clerk: "Exactly, sir, but we didn't guarantee the tonic." Rising Politician (whose friends have given him a brass-band serenade): "My fellow- I citizens, this spontaneous tribute touches me deeply. I am at a loss to find words to ex- press my thanks. You have laid me under an obligation I shall never, never be able to repay." Leader of Brass Band (in alarm): "But dis vas to pe a monish dransaction, mein friendt I" Rhymster: "True, sir, I have not much ready money; but I own £2,000 worth of per- sonal property." Her Father: In what shape is this prøperty 1" Rhymster: "In manuscript poems." Harry: "They told me Blanche was deaf, but when I changed the conversation to dia- monds she heard every word." Arnold: "I don't think she is stone deaf." Lawyer: "Do you swear. positively that you know more than half this jury?" Wit- ness: "Yes, sir; and now that I have taken a good look at 'em, I'll swear that I know more than all of 'em put together." First Student: "I thought you said that you'd got a very rare MS. to show me?" Second Student: "Yes; that's it." First Student: "Why, that's only a receipted tailor's bill!" Second StudentWell, that's a MS., and a very rare one, too, isn't it!" A pitman once had occasion to visit hit mate, who was confined in a local asylum. Whilst talking with him in the reception hall be noticed that the large clock hanging on the wall was an hour slow, and re- marked: "That clock's not rcet, Geordifi." "No, lad, that's the reason she's here!" An actor, who recently was "taken" whi!p on the stage by cinematograph, was greatly pleased with the result. Talking about it to a prominent dramatic critic, he said:—"It was the most extraordinary experience I ever went through-actually to see myself act- ing." "Now," replied the critic, "you will understand what we have to put up with." A sentry, an Irishman, was on post duty for the first time at night, when the officer of the day approached. He called, "Who comes there?" "Officer of the day," was the reply. "Then what are you doing out at night?" asked the sentry. "Ah, my lad," said the stranger, with an encouraging smile, "I can see that you were cut out for something big." "That may be, mister," replied the diminutive farmer boy; "but it generally happens that something big is cut out for me." "For you?" "Yes, dad's trousers. These are a pair I have on now." To a 'bus conductor who was calling Hangel and 'Ighgate, Hangel and 'Ighgate!" an old lady several times put the question, "Are you quite sure you go to the Angel?" The man's answer came at last. "Well, mum, it's writ all over the 'bus and I've been callin' it for the last 'arf-hour, so I believe we do but I'll ask a policeman, if you like," "I wish, John," said the editor's wife, "that you'd try not to be so absent-minded when we are dining out." "Eh? What have I done now?" "Why, when the hostess asked you if you'd have some more pudding you re- plied that, owing to a tremendous pressure on your space, you were compelled to decline." There was a suburban lady whose house one summer was quite overrun with moths. A tramp told her that, in return for a square meal, he would give her an infallible moth cure. She set a square meal before the tramp; he devoured it, then he said: "All ye need to do, ma'am, is to hang yer moth- filled clothes and carpets and things on a line and beat 'em with a stick. Good-bye to yer moths then." "Will that kill them?" asked the lady. "Yes, if ye hit 'em," said the tramp. Mrs. Tiptop: "I am sorry you were not at my 'receptipn laist evening." Mrs. Highup (coldly): "I received no invitation." Mrs. Tiptop (with affected surprise): "Indeed? It must have mj^arried. I had among my guests three foreign counts." Mrs. Highup: "So that is where they were? I desired to en- gage them last evening to wait at table at our card-party supper, but the employment agent told me they were out." A Scotsman had been persuaded to spend a shilling on tickets in a raffle at a church bazaar. He won first prize—a bicycle but, on being told of his good fortune, instead of hugging himself with delight, he said: "WeeL that's jist ma luck, buyin' twa ticket# whin wan wad 'a' dune. It's jist a saxpenee wasted."