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FUN AND FANCY. j Howard: "And how did that plain widG", Perkins capture the fastidious Mawker?' 'I' Coward: Ohl took him out in her car and showed him a few hundred of her bul ing; plots." Howard: "Ah! I see. A case of love I at first site." "Young man," said the serious person, I "don't you realise that the love of money 10 the root of all evil?" "Well," answered the spendthrift, "you don't see me hanging OIL to money as if I loved it, do you?" Customer: "Have you any gramophone Mo •ords?" Grocer: "Hardly in our line, sir, gramophone records." Customer: "Why not; aren't they preserved tongue?" Bronson: "I understand he painted coll- webs on the ceiling so perfectly that the maid wore herself out trying to sweep' them down." Johnson: 'Tisn't true. There may have been such an artist, but there never was such a housemaid." The Amateur Lecturer: "My misgui&d friend, do you not know that success is onlT achieved by hard labour?" Roving Ike: JB done six months of it once at a stretch, an come out no richer'n when I went in." Georgie: "That ink that papa writes with isn't indelible ink, is it, mother?" Mother: "No." "I'm glad of that." "Why? I've sglt it all over the carpet." Liveryman (to applicant for a job): "Eve* had any experiences with horses?" ApJ>M» cant: "Of course." Liveryman: "On wniclt .-idp pf a horse do you stand when you bar- pess him?" Applicant; On the-er-outsides. fir, j Shopwalker: "Don't Jou hear Miss Sellem calling 'Cash' at the top of her voice?" Cash-boy: "Yes." Shopwalker: "Why don'to calling 'Cash' at the top of her voice?" calling 'Cash' at the top of her voice?" Cash-boy: "Yes." Shopwalker: "Why don'to ▼pu go to her?" Caeh-boy: "'Taint my turfl. It's Jim Jimson's." Shopwalker; Wherd is Jim?" Cash-boy: "He's just fell down the lift." 1. Mrs. Gramerey: "What do we need 1- dinner?" Bridget: "Shure, mum, I tripped over the rug, an' we need a new set of dishes." First Dude: "I've been invited to go shoot- ing next week. What ought I to give the fellow that beats up the birds ?" Second Dude: "Well, old chappie, it depends whfto you hit him, don't you know." "And what did the phrenologist say about little Willie?" inquired the friend of the iamily. A faint cloud obscured for a moment the father's brow. "It was a little curious," he replied. "He did not exactly say any- thing. He felt his bumps. Then he picked up my money, and handed it back to me is silence." "Johnny, why do you spend all your tinw on these stairs?" asked Johnny's aunt, "Stairs weren't made to play on." "Well, where can I go? Papa oends me ulutairo and mamma sends me down. Seems to me I've got to stay half-way, somewhere/' "Sir," requested the young man, entering with a suit on his arm, "I've brought these clothes for you to press. The man next door says you are a gem at pressing rmitø t" "Well, the man next door is right," replied the suit presser; "only this isn't a tailor's shop—it's a lawyer's office "Crows are hardy birds," remarked the boarder. "In cold weather I have known them to go five days without food." "That's nothing," chuckled the comedian boarder, .10 1 c "I've known crows to go five months without food." "Great Scott! What kind of crows were they?" "Why, scarecrows, of course." "Ah!" said Mr. Barnes, the barn trage- dian, "the people are gradually coming to recognise my talent. I have hopes yet of their entire friendliness." "I'd like to know why ?" said the new stage hand as he swept up the stuff from the stage. "This year they are throwing boiled potatoes at me. Last year, my good fellow, they threw them raw." Fuddiy: "So you think Forster an exceed- ingly bashful man?" Duddy: "Eminently so. Why, the other day, when taking bicy,cle lessons, he absolutely changed colour." Fuddy: "Indeed!" Duddy: "Yes; he was green when he began, but before he had finished he was all black and blue." "My dear, I will have to ask you to give me a little money to do some necessary shop- ping-I haven't a thing fit to wear." "All right, my dear. Just, wait a few moments until I run into town and put a mortgage oa the house." Head of Business: "What position do you desire in our establishment, sir?" Aspiring Youth: "Oh, something like confidential ad- viser or general manager." Head of Busi- ness: "Good! You may have both jobs. I will make you an office boy." Mrs. Dorcas: Why did you expel her from the Women's Club?" Mrs. Learnedt "She proposed a motion that, instead of en- gaging a professor of Hindu philosophy, w- should hire someone to teach us how to get into a cab, how to,sharpen a pencil, and how, to carry an umbrella in a crowd." I The Lady of the House: "Why don't 108 go to work? Don't you know that a rolling atone gathers no mONT" Browning, (tho tramp): "Madam, not to evade your question at all, but merely to obtain information, may I be kindly permitted to ask of what practical utility moss is to a man in my condition?" Perhaps few experiences of life are harder to bear than when an appeal to another out of the fulness of one's heart is received with an utter lack of sympathy. A dishonest gar- dener had received notice of discharge from his master, a vicar, and, after an urisuccess- ful attempt to vindicate his character by j plausible platitudes, said mournfully: "Ah, sir, you will miss me before i be gone half an hour!" "I shan't mind that/' answered, the' reverend gentleman cheerfully, "if I miss nothing else!" "What makes you look so blue, old man?" "Oh, Mabel has sent me back my ring." "Has she? What's the matter?" ..We'Te —jwe've had! a quarrel." "But what aboutf" < Y; IJY. I hesitated when she asked if I was sure I'd have loved her just the same if we'd never met."






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