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FUN AND FANCY. Restaurateur: "Nonsense! You'd never do for a waiter; you look too dyspeptic. You'd ruin my business." Applicant: "Quite the reverse, sir. I'd wear a big pla- eard reading, This man does not eat here. Hunker: Halloa, Ricketts, when is your marriage to Miss Flirte coming offT" Ricketts: "It has been indefinitely post- poned." "What's the trouble?" "Oh, ehd married another fellow." Newly-arrived American (to newsboy): How marvellously cheap newspapers are in Dublin! We have to pay more than double the price in iNew York." Newsboy (extend- ing his hand) "You can pay double the price now, sir, if it will make you feel any more at home. Wiggles: "I hear Bjenks has been very ilL Is he out of danger yet?" Waggles: "Well, he's convalescent; but he won't be out of danger until that pretty nurse who has been taking care of him has gone away." "Yes, grandma, when I graduate I intend following a literary career—write for money, you know." "Why, Willie, my dear, you haven't done anything else since you've been at college." ¡ "The worst of Spongely is he never pays anything," said Grabbles, "un, doesn't he, though? Ask him to pay you a. visit and see," retorted Hicks. She: "Jack told me that that hospital was built entirely at his expense. Is it possible?" He: "Well, Jack's uncle cut him off with a hundred pounds, and left the rest of his money to build the hospital." Departing Guest: "We've had a simply delightful time!" Hostess: "I'm so glad. At the same time, I regret that the rain kept all our best people away." Hospital Physician (with a view to diag- nosis) "What do you drink?" New Patient (cheering up at the proposal): Oh, sir— thank you, sir-whatever you—I leave that to you, sir!" "Marquess, is it possible to confide a secret to you?" "Certainly! I will be as silent as the grave." "Well, then. I have absolute need of two thousand pounds." "Do not fear. It is as if I had heard nothing." Counsel (to the jury): "The principal fault ef the prisoner has been his unfortunate cha- racteristic of putting faith in thieves and scoundrels of the basest description. I have done. The unhappy man in the dock puts implicit faith in you, gentlemen of the jury!" A gentleman was once asked by a waiters 'Am sir? Yessir. Don't take hanythink with your 'am, sir?" And instantly replied: "Yes, please, I take the letter H." Patience: "How do you know Peggie is alone?" Patrice: "Because I hear her sing- ing." Patience: "But that's no sign." Patrice; "Yes it is. If there was anvone with her she'd be talking!" "Oi hear they do be sindin' messages now widout woires or poles. Faith, it's wondher- lul toimes we're livin' in, Dinis." "It is, Moike. Shure, th' way things is goiift' we'll be able to thravel widout lavin' home wan av thim days." "Women must consider it a dreadful fate to be an old maid," mused Mr. Chugwater. "They do, Jo6iah," said Mrs. Chugwater. "Look what terrible noodles they sometimes marry to escape it." And Josiah rubbed his chin, but said nothing. "Pa," said Bert, "won't you double HIT allowance?" "Why should I, sonny? "Oh, I thought if it was bigger it would be more on your mind, and you might remem- ber to give it to me sometimes! Askem: Where s the rich heiress engaged to?" Tellum: "You see that lovely girl in pink at the other side of the room ? Askem: "Yes; I say, old man, what a Buperb-" Tellum: "Well, it isn't she. It's that grand old ruin in yellow sitting next her." An Irish recruit was once brought up for breaking into barracks by clambering over the wall instead of entering by the gate. "But, Murphy," said the officer, "though you were late, you should have come in by the gate." "Plaise, sorr, said Murphy, "I was afraid of waking the sentry!" Irritated Lady: "No, it doesn't fit as if he had been born to it-it doesn't fit at all, and I shall expect the money back." Mr. Moses: "But, s'help me Irritated Lady: "Your advertisements say, Money returned if not approved. Mr. Moses: "So they do, ma tear madam, so they do; but your money vas approved-it vas very goot money. j "Now, Peters," said the teacher, "what is j it makes the water of the sea so salty? "Salt," said Peters. "Next!" said the teacher. "What is it makes the water of the f sea so salty?" "The salty quality of the sea-water," answered "Next," "is due to the admixture of a sufficient quantity of chloride of sodium to impart to the aqueous fluid with ] which it commingles a saline flavour, which is readily recognised by the organs of taste!" "Right, Next," said the teacher. "Go up one!" Barney Molloy and Mike Carey were mix- 1 ing mortar. Barney," Mike asked, leaning: j on his shovel, "what is the difference be- j tween 'satisfied' and 'content'?" The difference? Sure there's none," answered j Barney. "If you're satisfied you're content, j and if you're content you're satisfied." t "That was my opinion, too, Barney, me boy, up to now, but it struck me sudden like as j I turned that spadeful that I am satisfied all-right that Molly Carey is my wife, but I j am jolly well sure I'm not content." I A smart Irishman was leaning against a post when a, funeral procession passed. J "Who's dead?" someone asked. "I don't [ know," answered the Irishman, "but I pre- j sume it's the gentleman in the coffin." | I ".After all, the sum of human happiness may be totalled up in three words," said she. "What on earth are t,,heyP;" inquired her j partner in life's joys and sorrows. "I love you;" "Oh, I thought you meant, 'Pay to bearer.

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