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H.M.S. CLIO OVERDUE.

BRISTOL'S BOY BURGLAR.

i SUICID; IN SIGHT OF A CROWD.

IIPRSEW111PPED]EL 1S OWN HOUSE

-+--++-MOTOR BOAT ABLAZE.

FUN AND FANCY.

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FUN AND FANCY. | Do you like waltzing ?" asked a girl of j her partner at a ball. "I am charmed by it!" "Then why have you not learned how to do it?" Unsuccessful Sportsman (to gamekeeper) "When I was in Australia I shefo the biggest kangaroo the natives said they'd ever seen. Gamekeeper: "Hindeed, sir! What was you &-haimin' at ? "1 never give to beggars on the road1," re- marked a young man to a tramp who had asked him for help. "If you'll oblige me with yer name and address, sir, I'll call on yer was the retort. "Ma," exclaimed a boy to his mother, ""may I play make-b'lieve that I'm enter- tainin' another little boy? "Certainly, dear!" replied the parent. "Then gimme some cake for him! said the little chap. "Do you know, dear," said a lady to her husband, who was lamentably "close-fisted," "last night I had such a delightful dream! I dreamt you gave me a five-pound note." "Splendid!" exclaimed her spouse amiably. "Yrm may keep it, dear I Louie: "Uncle, what's chagrin?" Uncle: "Well, it's what a stout man feels when he runs his hardest, and jumps on a. tram-car that doesn't start for half-an-hour." "I appear to have made something of an impression on that man over there," re- marked a young lady at a wedding-party. "He has been looking at me ever since I arrived." "If you mean that one with a black mous- tache, he's the detective engaged to look after the presents!" said a friend. i "What's the difference between vision and I sight?" asked a man; and this is how the question was answered by a friend: "See those two girls across the street?" "Yea." "Well, the pretty one I would call a vision, but the other one—she's a sight!" "At last," said the ambitious young novel- ist, "I have written something that I think will be accepted by the first magazine it is sent to." "What ie it?" his friend asked. *'A cheque for a year's subscriptions." sent to." "What ie it?" his friend asked. A cheque for a year's subscriptions." Mistress: "Why, Bridget, it seems to me II you want very large wages for one who has had so little experience." Bridget: "Sure, ) mum, ain't it harder for me when I don't I know how? ———— Stubb: "Yes, the fancy gardener has I named his special radish after his wife." ¡ Penn: "Rather a compliment. Did he say why he did so?" Stubb: "Yes. He said they never agree wtth him." j Mother: "Where is that lovely ring your Aunt Mary gat you, Nettie?" Small Nettie: "I lost it." Mother: "I might have known it. Did you ever have anything you didn't lose?" Small Nettie: "Yes, mamma. I never lost my appetiter" Suett, the famous actor, was one day alight- ing from a coach after a long journey in the pouring rain, when a gentleman, who had come to meet him, asked "Are you Suett? The immediate answer was, "No, I'm drip- ping A Northampton schoolmaster has received the following note from a pupil's mother: r "Honoured Sir,—Johnny can't come to school to-day. Yesterday another boy threw a stone into his eye, and he can't see out of it. Will you see into it?" My mission in life," said the satirist, is to put the dunce cap on the heads of other people." Be careful," replied his friend. that you don't catch cold." j i ) Fortune-Teller: "I see by your hand you'll die when you're twenty seven." Willie: But, my dear woman, I'm twenty- .nine now." Fortune-Teller: "Why, my good man, you should liave been dead two years. You're living under fa-se pretences! There's just one thing I wanted to say to you," began Mrs. Acid to her husband. "Only one, M'ria?" queried he, solicitously. "Aren't you feeling well?" First Passenger (at suburban station): I 'I wonder why we are making such a long stop at this station?" Second (a traveller of ex- I perience) "I presume it is because no one happens to be trying to catch the trai^' First Suburbanite "I see they have taken the 7 a.m. train off this line. Do you miss it?" Second Suburbanite: "Oh, rothing like the 7 a.m. train off this line. Do you miss it?" Second Suburbanite: "Oh, rothing like aa much as I used to miss it when it was on." I They were talking about the strenuous life of the Suffragettes. "Most people," remarked the thoughtful thinker, "take lite seriously." "Well, there's no reason why they should not," rejoined the matter-of-fact person. "Taking life is a serious matter." Bessie: "Oh, Mabel! I am in an awful dilemma. I've quarrelled with Harry, and he wants me to send his ring back." Mabel: "That is too bad!" Bessie: 'That isn't the point. I've forgotten which is his ring Little Girl: "My mamma is awful strict. Is yours?" Little Boy: "Orful!" Little Girl: "But she lets you go anywhere you want to, and-?" Little Boy: "Oh, alia ain't strict with me." Little Girl: "Then who is she strict with?" Little Boy: "Pa." "I tell you," said one man to another as they emerged from the corridor of a concert hall, "I envy that fellow who was singing." "Envy him!" echoed the other. "Well, if I were going to envy a singer I'd select somebody with a better voice. His was about the poorest I ever heard." "It's not his voice I envy, man," was* the reply; ".it's his tremen- dous courage!" A man had sat for some time in a restau- rant, looking thoughtfully at his glass of melting ice-cream. At last he left his chair and made his way to the proprietor. "I see you announce that you make your own iee- cream," he said; -in a confidential tone. "I do, sir," said the proprietor. "Well," said the man, "would you permit me to give you a little advice? I won't charge you a farthing,^ and it'll be money in your pocket.' "CHad to hear it, I'm sure! What ie the sugges- J tion?" said the proprietor. "Get somebody else to make it!" replied the customer.

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