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FUN AND FANCY. I say, my man, have you seen a golf ball about?" "No, mum; but I've got one in me pocket as I brought from 'ome as I can sell yer." An English tourist asked a Hieland lassie whether it was customary for girls in her country to ge about barefooted. "Pairtly they do, and pairtly they mind their own business!" the girl answered sharply. "Did you hear that the daughter of that rich man in the next street had oeen driven from home?" "No! When did it happent" "Just after she got into the carriage." Stranger (to. native in Duke-street, Liver- pool): "Would you please tell me where I can find a large medical library in this city?" Citizen (solemnly): "Underground, sir; there you will find the greatest works of physicians." Young Doctor (breathlessly): "I am t-old that a gentleman who lives in this house has just broken a leg." Resident: "Yes. Are you a carpenter? Young Doctor: "A car- penter? No; I'm a surgeon." Resident: "We want a carpenter, not a doctor. It's a woodea leg." "Who is that man I hear talking in the kitchen, Mary?" asked a mistress of her cook. "Please, ma'am, he's—er—he's my. long-lost brother." "Then please be good enough to lose him again-as quickly as you can!" said the lady. "Good afternoon, Miss Brown! Going for a walk? May I go with you?" asked an elderly but ardent admirer of the lady. "Y f!, my doctor says that we must walk with an object, and I suppose you'll answer the purpose!" | "Things never happen just right," said the moody man. "The pianist in the flat above me has a sore throat, and the girl who is training to sing in grand opera has just sprained her wrist." "You seem to have a good deal of faith in doctors," said the friend of the sick man. "I have," was the reply; "a doctor would be foolish to let a good customer like me die." "That's a fine-looking old gentleman I Brown's father, isn't it?" asked a collegian of a friend. "Yes," was the answer; "but he is a champion at breaking his word "You don't say soT" "Yes—he stutters!" I Irate Passenger (who has managed tlo board a motor-bus that didn't stop): "Sup- pose I'd slipped and lost a leg, then whatt" Conductor (kindly) i You wouldn't have to do any more jumpin' then. We always stops for a man with a crutch." ■. • i "But I atn so »nworthy, darling," he mur- mured, as he held the dear girl's hand in his. "Oh, George," she sighed, "if you and papa agreed on every point as you do on that, how happy we would be." I Turnbull: "They have a big dinner party ¡ at Blanque's to-night to signalise the engage- ment——" Jenks (breathlessly): "Indeed! I WhicR daughter? Turnbull (continuing): "The engagement of a new cook." j Tramp: "Please, mum, me and my mate are shipwrecked sailors." Lady: "Fiddle- sticks! Neither of you was ever near the I sea." Tramp: "Quite right, lady. We was on a airship!" Bald-headed Gentleman (having his boot* polished in an hotel): "Confound it! yon take an abominably long time about it." Shoeblack: "Yes, sir; it ain't done so quick as when you 'as your 'air cut!" "I asked the young woman in front of me to remove her big hat, so that I could see the stage." "Did she do it?" "No; she said if she held her hat in her lap, she couldn't see I the stage herself." "An artist," said the man with pointed whiskers, "must not think about money." "I suppose not," answered Mr. Tompkins. Every time I buy a, picture the artist wanie enough to keep him from thinking jkbeut money for the rest of his life." ) Lord Roberts once promised to inspect the boys' brigade battalion in Glasgow, but at the last moment was prevented by illness. A local officer, was secured to fill his place, and in selling tickets for the ipspection it was thought only fair to let purchasers know that the distinguished fieldmarshal would not be present. One small brigade boy came up and asked for two tickets for his father and mother. The clerk said, "Do your father and mother know that Lord Roberts is not to be present?" The boy replied, with a look of self C(M self-confidence, "It's no Lord Roberts they're GÓmin to see, it's me." row The reecmenpltoly yeehs elod f a thleair rge anfnauctaol ry exicn urGsiloane- There was a programme of sports, and one the items thereon was the veterans' race. Only two competitors faced the starter, and,, pinch to the chagrin of one of the spectators' »t -least, the ? oldest ;pf the sprinters' won easily by yards. "Whilst helping the unsuc- cessful runner on with his coat, tie disap- pointed Spectator said: "A tost bob over fi i IPWlfel Tamv i A |e backed^ tae wiif easily*' "Ah, well," said Tarn, consolingly, "ye ochi tae hiv backed me fer a place!" Willie J; Papa is going to let you mar#; sister." Featherstdne: "How do you know,?" one: Q!V Willie: "He said, after all, you were better than nothiiig. A. motorist was'stopped by a policeman the light on the car being infulficieut. He gave his card to the constable. "G. J. Smith, read the man in blue. "Go on With you!" he exclaimed. "I want your proper name and address. We've too many Smiths about;ere. Now, look sharp! "Then," B*iia the motorist^ "if you must have it, ii's WMliam /■' Shakespeare, Str*tford-6n-Avon!" you, sir," replied* the polipsma* "Sor#y 'to hare troubled you And he «**•» fully entered the particulars in his book.








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