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--,.-----------BABY'S PHOTOGRAPH.






I FUN AND FA NCI." I Mr. Totterly: Could you m-arry a verv c,, man with a good deal of money if he told yotf frankly how old lie was and how much he waø worth?" Miss Timely: "Er—er—how much is he worth?" "You can only substract things of the same name," said a teacher to her class. "For in- stance, you can't take eight marbles from sixteen years, or four horses from seven- j pence." "Please, miss," squeaked a snsall boy, "can't you take three pennies from one purse? Doctor: "The room seems cold, Mr*, Hooligan. Have you kept the thermometef at seventy, as I told you?" Mrs. Hooligan; "Sure, an' Oi hev, docthor! There's th' thing in a toombler av warrum wather at this I blissid minnut!" 'I "Oh, IDS lady, me lady, I have loat little Master Algernon in the park!" "Good heavens! Why didn't you tell a policeman at once?" "But, me lady, I—1 was speaking to one when Master Algernon was losing his- self I First Lazy Man "After all, a clay pip* has an advantage over all others." Second Ditto: "How's that?" First Lazy Manf "Well, if ybu let it fall on the pavement you I needn't trouble about piekirig it up." I "Did you take, me for a fool when you mar- ried me?" cried an angry husband, in the thickiof a. domestic quarrel, to which the wif« meekly responded: "No, Samuel, I did not; but then you always said I was no judge of aharacter." A wealthy retired merchant, on the com- pletion of his recentlv-built mansion, decided to have his library stocked. He therelore consulted a bookseller, who asked him. "And how 'will you have your books bound—in Russia or .Morocco?" "Nae, nae, mon," said the merchant, "I'll e'en' have "em bound in plain Glasgie!" f "Most people,"1 remarked the thoughtful thinker, "take life" seriously.'? "Well, there'a no reason why they should not," rejoined the matter-of-fact "person., "Taking life is a serious matter." "And what," said the anxious father, tap- ping his small soii on tfie head and addresa- ing the schoolmaster, "^fhat, in your opinion, is my little boy's natural bent?" The school- ( master, flashed one look at the repulsive countenance of thfe permanent lessee of the bottom bench and gave his reply in no un- certain voice, "Undoubtedly across a knee," he said. 1 > "Oh, Mr. A-— exclaimed a worthy old lady to a minister, "I do like the Sundays when you preach!" "You gTatify me very much, my good woman answered the latter, I who knew he was not popular. "Ther« »P» few who thin>; as you do. But tell me, what is the rea,son of this preference?" "Why, air» I always get such a comfortable seat I" waa the ingenuous reply. the ingenuous reply. "One of the surgeons of a hospital asked as Irish help which he considered the most dan- gerous of the many cases then in the hos- pital. "That, sir," said Patrick, as h# pointed to a case of surgical instrument# lying on the table. "It's three years since I was in this city:. said a stranger in a restaurant as he waft walking out after finishing his dinner; "cit1, looks the same." "I don't find much change,' responded the ■yeaiter as he took up the penny that wae left on the table. "No man ever obtained anything worth having without working hard for it," said Mrs. Bickers to her husband, who was in a discouraged mood. "Quite true," replied Mr. Bickers reflectively "I remember that I obtained you without the slightest diffi- culty." "Now, Archie," ask-2d a schoolmistress, dilating on the virtue of politeness, t" if you were seated in a tramcar, every seat of which was occupied, and a lady entered, what would you do 1" "Pretend I was asleep r. was the prompt reply. "Didn't you say six months ago that if Miss Porritt wouldn't marry you would throw yourself into the deepest part of the sea? Now, Miss Porritt married someone else three months ago, and yet you haven't "Oh, it's easy to talk, but let me tell you W. hot such an easy matter to find the deepest part of the sea." Jones: "What's your hurry?" Bonea r "My mother-in-law is coming to my house." "In a hurry to see her, I suppose?" "No; just, wilnt to get there and get away belGM she comes." "After all," said the dissatisfied choma singer, "what is the real difference between me and a prima donna?" "About £4á a night, to be precise," replied the eminent manager. "I don't remember your name," said th* aweet young thing,but, really, I think I have met you somewhere before." "YOG have," said the brute. "I'm the chemist who sells you your face paints." "I notice, Edward," said a lady to her hna- band, "that whenever your employers adver- tise for clerks or salesmen they stipulate 'must be mrried. y, the old tyrants," asserted Edward," they wast men who aT0 accustomed to benig ordered about!" ••"Grandma, give me another penny to give to a poor old woman who has only one eye." The old lady was touched by, her grandson'* solicitude for this object of pity. "Well, Willie," she replied, "asr I like to encourage your little sympathetic heart, hq. it io; now, I hope you are, not being imposed upon T" "Oh, no, grandma," said Willie, 1M he clutched the penny in his hand; "every time I give her a penny I get two nicm 5Come of old Hugh Bixleyt" staked the man who had returned after an ab- eence of several years. "Oh, he's joined the great majority." "What do. you afrean? tf "he dead, or has he merely gone to the loot- ball match?" Chappie: "Tell mv man to come Beiw* Qùièk Cholly: "What's the mati*rt i Chappie: "Never J»ind, noyf| I tliought l WJW, «6iug ta snee»e." i -aft %\l




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