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FUN AND FANCY. "What you want, my boy," said a &5(iber, *§6 push. It is the push which 7.). tunes." "I got it this morning! replied son moodily. "One kiss!" pleaded a departing lover. "Nonsense!" exclaimed his fiancee in a teas- ing mood. "Some one might see us." "Who?" "Why, the clock-it Has a face." "Yes, hut it keeps its hands in front of it!" "When you have a motor-car," said Mr. Cliuggins, enthusiastically, "you depend on your own intelligence entirely. Now, it's altogether different when you drive a horse." "Yes," answered the unassuming' man; "that's one reason why I think maybe a horse is safer." Alma: "Yes, Oscar, when we are married j you Will not go to the club at nights. You will stay at and I'll sing and play the j piano for you, won't I?" Oscar: "Yes, | dearest: you know I never cared much for j pleasure, anyway." j "• 9 Gus do Smith: "Do you know my father, Miss EivdieP" E.irdi.3; "I have never met him, but I belisve. he is a, modest. unassum- ing sort of man." Gus de Smith: "Eight you are. You can got some kind of an idea how unosteDtatior:-} lie is when I tell you he does not biag about having me for a son." j Employment Agent (wearily): "Well, what's the matter with that last placer'" Domestic: "I'll not stay there.. Th' missus wants me to sift th' ashes." Employment & ufc: "Co do they all. leu can't find a nu»iriss who won't wrnt you to sift the Domestic: "Y-e-s; but this one v, atches to soe that I do it." After a party a night or two ago at Brent- wood. The D.:ar Girl: "He had the impu- dence to as'; me for a kiss!" Her Dear Friend: "The idea! What cheek!" The Dear Girl (blushing): "He wasn't particular which" "It was as much as I could do to keep from laughing when Miss Guscher remarked that her" sweetheart was so versatile.V" "Well, he iš rather versatile." "Nonsense! he's a. regular idiot!" "Yes, but he's so manji different kinds of an idiot." "Well," said the bridegroom-to-be, "I sup- pose you'll be sorry, Willie, when the time comes for your sister's wedding?" "Not much," replied the small brother. "It will gimme an excuse to chuch pa's slippers away." Clarence: "You're looking worried, old chappie—buck up. What's the mattah?" Percival: "I am worried, my boy, towibly. Me valet says I'm getting so careless that he's sure I must be in love. He's right, I suppose—but for the life of me I cawn't tliink who she can be Housekeeper: "You're a big, healthy man; why don't you go to work?" Tramp: "Lady, I'll tell ye me trouble. I'm an unhappy medium." "What do you mean by that?" Well, ye see, I'm too heavy for light work, an' too light for heavy work." Office Boy: "The editor is much obliged to you for allowing him to see your drawings, but much regrets he is unable to use them." Fair Artist (eagerly): "Did he say that?" Office Boy (truthfully)': "Well, not exactly. He just said, Take 'em away, Johnny; they make me ill!' His Wife "When you proposed to me you said you were well off." Her Husband: "And I told you the truth." His Wife: "Then how do you account for the fact that you haven't any money now? Her Hus- band "Oh, I didn't have any money then, but I was single." Miss Fence "Oh, Mr. Tallyheau, you should have seen Mr. Seldham-Hunt take that high hedge!" Mr. Tallyheau: "The idea I didn't think the horse he rode was much of a jumper." Miss Fence: "Oh, the horse didn't take the hedge. Mr. Seldham- Hunt did it alone." They were uttering the tender nonsense that succeeds the great question. "And," s.aid Llie girl, bravely, "if poverty comes, we will face it together." "Ah, dearest," he re- plied, "the mere sight of your face would scare the wolf away." And there's another engagement ring wasted. "Very slippery floor," remarked a young man, as the band played a popular waltz. "It's jolly hard to keep on your feet." "Oh, then, you are trying to keep on my feet, are you?" said his partner. "I thought at first it was accidental." Irate Parent: "So you think my daughter loves you, sir, and you wish to marry her? Young Lover: "That's what I called to see you about. And, if you don't mind, I thought I'd just ask first:' Is there any insanity in your family?" Irate Parent: "No, sir; and there's not going to be any." "Tickets, please!" requested the atten- dant at a theatre as several persons ap- proached him in "Indian file." "It's all right!" cried the man at the rear. "This is my party of six. Count us as we go in!" The attendant counted up to five and five gentlemen passed him and mingled with the crowd inside the theatre. But the man with the tickets had disappeared. Five of the audience that evening were uninvited "dead- heads" /;) "Do you sell p-p-p-p-arrots?" asked a man with a bad impediment. "Yes, sir. We have a very good selection." "Can they t-t-t-t-aik?" "Yes, sir. This one here I can recommend." "Can it t-t-t-t-alk w-w-w-ell?" "Yes, sir?" "You are quite. sure it can t-t-t-t-alk w-w-w-ell?" "My good sir., if it could not talk better than you I should have twisted its neck long ago!" said the exasperated bird fancier. He had patiently endured his doctor's ex • perimenting for twelve months, and .was long- irg to get in a good upper-cut. "I don't think the X-rays should be used in medi- cine," said he on the last visit. Doctor: "Why, they are being used! We can get in- ternal photographs ot the. patient." "Yes," he lashed out, "but some day-the patient may be able to g;et internal phct,),ri-pbs.of, the doctor's head a-ild find out if he knows any thing about the case." •' lA. *5*