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FUN AND FANCY. o Hawker: "Any brushes, ma'am?" House- keeper (indignantly) "Those brushes you sold. me last week have all gone to pieces." Hawker "Yes'm. I knew you'd want some more bv this time." She: "All my friends have motor-carp, now, and you won't give me one." He: "Well, ,nÚt until aeroplanes are fashionable, then 1 will buy one, and that will be much more distinguished." Professor's Wife: "Too aggravating! This morning I gave my husband a list of addresses, that he might go and look for a new house, and he has Ii-dele out a table of 'tatistics from them." Doctor: "Yes, Tlfr. Jones, the best thing to do will be to examine you under the Ronfgej' ray." Jones (sotto voce): "Rontgen ray, eh" I expect he wants to see how mL.ch money I have got in my pocket." Gladys: "Edith is so sorry she took Her- bert's ring back to the jeweller to have it valued." Penelope: "Why?" Gladys; "Well, the jeweller kept it, as he said Her- bert hadn't; been in to settle for it as he pro. mised." 1 Customer (to barber): "You say that if I pay you a subscription, I shall have my own shaving tackle i" Barber: "Yes, sir, of course. Razor, brush, and soap, all for your own exclusive use, even to your sticking, plaster." "You're a tattle-tale," said little Harry to his small sisfer. "iou run and tell mamma every fining that happens." "Well, I ain't n8 bad as you are," rejoined the little girl. "Iou tell her a lot of things that don't hap- pen at all." He: "I don't like your friend, Miss Knox. one told an acquaintance of mine that I was a perfect idiot." She: "Oh, I'm sure she didn't mean it. She knows as well as anyone else that no human being is absolutely per- fect." Customer (in post-office, to telephone girl, who has suddenly rung off in a temper): "Why did you ring off so suddenly?" Tele- phone Girl: "My young man jilted me and got engaged to another girl, and now he rings her up ten times a day through my ex- oliange. "You'd make a pretty good clerk," said the employer, sarcastically, "if you only had a little more common sense." "Indeed!" re- plied the clerk. "But did it ever occur to you that if I had a little more common sense I wouldn't be a clerk at all?" Teacher (to little Tim, who had done his sums all wrong for the ^ird time that week): "If this happens again, I shall have to tell your father." Tiiiv "Father helped me do them." Teacher: "What is your father?" Tim; "Head waiter." "This is our latest novelty," said the manufacturer, proudly. "Good work, isn't it 1" "Not bad," replied the visitor; "but you can't hold a candle to the goods we make." "Oh! are you in this line, too f; "No; we make gtxnpoA-der." ) _I Experienced Doctor (to young medico): "I'll give you a tip, my boy; always be care- ful to ask your patient what he has for dinner." Young Medico: "I see, so that I may be able to tell him what to eat, and what to aT°!d, and so on." Experienced Doctor: "Not at all; merely to learn what he's worth, IE-0 that you may judge better what to charge him when you send in your bill." A young doctor was called as a witness in a law case. When asked his profession, he said: "I employ myself as a physician." "But," remarked the judge, "does anyone else employ you as a physician?" He: "I understand you have been attend- ing an ambulance class. Can you tell me what is the best thing to do for a broken heart?" She: "Oh, yes. Bind up the broken portion with a gold band, bathe in orange- blossom water, and apply plenty of raw rice. Guaranteed to be well in-a month." A young cyclist was riding down a busy thoroughfare when his hat blew off. A pass- ing workman picked it up, and took it to him, saving him the trouble of getting off. "I really must get some cord to keep it on," re- marked the youth as he rode off, without a word of thanks. The workman's reply was short but expressive. It was simply: "Get a nail!" The other day, while a motor-'bus was passing over Waterloo-bridge, the wheels skidded, and the huge vehicle, leaping on to the pavement, dislodged a large portion of parapet of the bridge. It seemed only by a miracle that the 'bus with its load of passen- gers did not plunge headlong into the Thamfta. The driver of a passing horse 'bus gazed down with contempt, and, addressing the driver of the motor, said: ""i,.th! I see yer can't kill 'em fast enough, so yer a-tryin' ter drahn 'em, are yer?" "Yes," said William, the coster, "it wero superstition as made me marry my missus." "How's that?" inquired his friend. "Why, it wore a toss-up 'tween her an' Mary Jane. One day Aw were thinking which of 'em to have—Mary Jane or Anna—when Aw saw a cigar lyin' on th' ground. So Aw picked it up, and blowed if it didn't say on it 'Ave Anna." So I ha.d 'er." Miss Robinson (to stranger at reception): "Do you see that plain-looking girl over there? She has just got married. I'm sure I Wonder what her husband married her for." "I have no doubt he married her for her money," replied the stranger. "Oh, I wouldn't think so badly of him as that," said Miss Robinson. "But I ought to know," re- plied the stranger; "you see I am the man who married her." A gentleman was travelling ÎJ1 the North of Scotland. When he reached hit deatiaa- tion he discovered that he had loft his water- proof in the compartment. He hurried back m the train was leaving, and ahouted: "18 there a black mackintosh in hem?" One of the gentlemen replied; "No; they arean Macgrcgonr." The inspector was talking about fciverka "A adjectires. "Does your master use ad- ▼erba and adjectives?" he asked. "Yes, sir," ebonMedthe scholar*. "Well, what does he use when he doss not «se adverlw and adjectives?" There WM vitoase. Fiaallj, a Us, follow waved his hand, "He geae- rallj oiw nkr,