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WISE AND OTHERWISE.

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WISE AND OTHERWISE. "Doctors never bleed people now. do they?'- •" Did you never have one of them eend you a >:i>ill?" Wifie: "Several men I rejected are now Wealthier than you." Hubby: "That's why they are." J Wife (looking up from paper): What was *Hobson's choice'?" Husband: "Mrs. Hobson. I suppose." on, "I don't believe in that doctor." "Why?" '"He didn't tell me everything .1 wauled to'eat iwas bad for me." "Uncle, can't I be a pirate when I grow up? Sure you can, son. What do you want to pirate, books or plays?" Maud: "Would you marry a. widower?" JDollyNo, I wouldn't. The man I marry 1 ;am going to tame myself." Parson: "I've lost my wife, James; I'm lonely without a woman in the house." .Tames (eagerly): "Have mine. sir." Mistress.: Bridget, it seems to me that the r..kiest mistresses get the best cooks." Cook: Ah, go on wid yer blarney You seem to manage remarkably well on your housekeeping money." "Yes; the trades- your housekeeping money." "Yes; the trades- men haven't sent in their bills yet." Bank Manager (finding burglar at the safe): rt What are you up to here?" Burglar: "Oh, "merely taking a few notes, guv'nor." Maud: How pretty and careless Mabel's hair always looks." Gertie: "Yes. and it takes her two hours to make it look that way." He: "I suppose if I kissed you, you would 'never speak to me again?" She: "Why do you -always look on the dark side of things." "How Tillie's clothes hang about her! Why, 'they don't fit her at alii" "But think how much worse she would look if they did! It isn't always May, my son," said the senti. mental mother. No, mother," replied the iannt.v youth. very frequently it's Lucy." Sailor: "I tell you we had a bad time. Once we ran out of port in a gale of wind——" Scep- tical Friend: And what did you drink, then, sherry? "Have you ever loved and lost!? sighed the swain. "No," responded the maiden, promptly. I've won every breach of promise suit I ever brought." Why do you run your motor so slowly?" "With everybody taking home gardening tools, you can't run over a man without risking a puncture." She: "Don't you think that is a beautiful strain she is playing?" He: "Yes; but do you suppose there is any prospect of the strain being relieved? Cleverton: "When you told her father you loved her, did he shew much feeling? Dash- away Oh, yes. I don't know when I have been so moved! Porter (at country hotel): "If the bed's too short stick your feet through the hole in the wall, but leave your boots on, so I can black 'em in the morning Boreleigh: "Yes, Miss Doris, I suffah dwead- fully from insomnia, y'know." Miss Doris (sup- pressing a. yawn): Did you ever try talking to yourself, Mr. Boreleigh? "The stage detective must be doubly clever." "How so?" "He must disguise himself so that he will be recognised by everybody in the audi- ence and nobody on the stage." "Poor man," said the inquisitive lady, "I ex- pect you'll be glad when your time is up, won't you?" "No, mum,' not particklerly," replied the prisoner I'm in fur life She (at the theatre): I don't understand what the detective is supposed to be doing in this place." The Dramatic Critic (wearily): "I fancy he is looking for the plot." Annabel: But do you think he loves her? Arthur: Well. he saw her out in the back yard beating carpets with her hair tied up in a towel, ,and he still wants to marry her." Do I not give you all the money you need? her husband complained. "Yes," ehe replied, but you told me before we were married that you would give me all I wanted." It seems his uncle ell out of a hotel win- dow-" Gracious! Any bones broken?" "Not one." "No?'" "No.; he was merely drowned. It happened in Venice." Father (angrily): "If my son marries that ,actress I shall cut him off absolutely, and you -can tell him so." Legal Adviser: "I know a better plan than that. Tell the girl." Mrs. Blondlock: How dare you tell people my hair is bleached? You know it is false!" MissRavenwing: "Yes, dear, I know it is. I told them it was bleached before you got it." Yes I was once engaged to a Duke." And what fell fate came between two loving hearts?" "Oh. nothing," said the girl, non- chalantly. We just let the option expire." Mrs. Smart: "Be sure and come. You'll meet ,quite a number of pretty women." Mr. Carte (gallantly): Y^s; but it will not b-0 for the pretty women that I shall come, but for you. First Member: "Mrs. do Streak didn't have her way at the dress reform meeting this after- noon, did she? Second Member: "No, her gown fitted so tightly that she couldn't make a motion." Doctor (to his cook, who is just leaving): "Well Mina, I am sorry, but I can only give you a verv indifferent character." Well, sir, never mind. Just write It like you do your pre- scriptions." Young Husband: You mark me! A woman always manages to get what she wants." Older Husband: "I wouldn't mind that so much, but the worst of it is as soon as she gets it she wants something else." Friend: "Don't worry because your sweet- heart has turned you down since you lost your money. There are as good fish in the sea as -ever were caught." Jilted One: Yes, but I lost my bait? "Tommy," said a visitor to the five-year-old pride of the house. what would you do if you were the Prince of Wales? I wouldn t let ..anybody waeh my neck or comb my hair, was the prompt reply. She (indignantly, as train emerges from long tunnel): Sir, you took advantage of a defence- less woman when you kissed me back there! He: "Defenceless? Nonsense! The darkness protected us both Gentleman Farmer (to his gardener): "Will you have one of my old hats to make a scare- crow with? Gardener: If it's all the same to you, sir, I'd rather have one of the missus's. It would scare 'em more." Maud (before the laughing hyena's cage): "How provoking! Here we've been twenty minutes, and the hyena, hasn't laughed once." Ella: Strange and he's been eyeing your new broad-brimmed hat, too Sketch you? echoed the rambling artist. "What kind of a subject would you make?" "Oh, I'd do as still life," grinned the tramp, who had not changed his position in the hay- stack for twenty-four hours. He was at his club, and had talked politics for :an hour and a-half. That's the situation in a nutshell," he declared at the close. You don t say so exclaimed a member to his nearest neighbour. What a nut! Wife: "Billy dear, I stitched up the hole in your trousers pocket last night after you had gone to bed. Now, am I not a thoughtful little wife? Husband: H'm how did you know there was a hole in my pocket? Clothier: "Were you pleased with the over- coat which I sold you? Customer: Oh, yes; all my boys have worn it." Well, think of that!" "I do. Every time after a rain the next smaller one has to take it." I suppose the baby is a source of great anxiety to you," said the neighbour. Yes," answered young Mrs. Torkins. "When he is crying we are afraid he is sick, and when he isn't we are afraid he is unconscious:" Important Patron (after describing the great advantages now enjoyed by children): I wish I were you children at school." Pause; then, in- gratiatingly, "Why do I wish this? Boy: Please, sir, 'cos you've forgot all you ever knowed." Four-year-old Barbara went to church with her two sisters and came home crying. What is the matter, dear? inquired her mother. He preached a whole s-sermon about about- M-Mary and Martha," sobbed Barbara, and —never said—a w-word about me." It was a rich old widow who wondered that the handsome young man had fallen in love with her. "Yes. it is wcmderful." said Mr. Spruce- up; "but I love you to distraction. Why, I even love the ground you walk on." I thought so," observed the widow;. but I am not in waut of a landlord at present."

WHEN THE CHURCH RULED SPAIN.

-------THE EVIL EYE.

IN A RED CROSS HOSPITAL.

------THE MOTHER OF ALL SAILS.

The Budget or the Obligarchic…

Local Wedding.

Fall from n Oil Tank.

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Pentre Trades and Labour Council.

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THE EXAMPLE OF PARENTS.

TO REMOVE PAPER STAINS.

DEW POXDS MADE OF METAL.

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