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WISE AND OTHERWISE. "How can I dodge my creditors?"—"Don't try. Buy an automobile and let 'em dodge you." "That country editor thinks I'm a humor- ist."—"Why?"—"I tried to sell him a cash register." Wife: What would you like for your birth- day, Robert? "-Robert: "Nothing, thank you. I cannot afford it." So you think he's really in love, eh? "— No doubt. about it. Why, he thinks I'm at- tractive in auto goggles." Proud Mother: This boy do grow more like 'is father every day."—Neighbour: Do 'e, pore dear? And 'ave you tried everything? Teacher: "Tommie, from what direction do most of our rains come? "-T<)mmie: "Most of our rains come straight down, but some of them come sideways." Lady Tourist (to cottager's wife): "Are these three nice little boys all your own, Mrs. Mac- farlane? Yes, mum; but him in the middle's a lassie." Facetious Old Lady (to tramp): You remind me of a piece of flannel."—Tramp: I do—eh? And why so, missus?"—Facetious Old Lady: You shrink from washing." Dodd: "The motor is a great institution. Todd: "For instance?"—Dodd: "You can sit up in it as you pass a friend, and crawl under it when a creditor comes in sight." Dowager: So you're commencing a practice here. You're rather young, aren't you?"— Young Medico: Oh-er-well, I only expect to start on children first, you know." Goodfellow: I'm sorry t. say my wife has an aggravating habit of interrupting me in the middle of a sentence. "-Bin ns: Humph! You are fortunate to be able to get so far." The Bachelor: There is a woman's business college over in our building.—The Maid: "In- deed And what business are they familiar with?"—The Bachelor: "Everybody's." Mrs. Newly wed: Cook has burnt the bacon, dear; she is so young and inexperienced. Won't you be satisfied with a kiss for breakfast? "— Mr. Newlywed: "All right, call her in." Cobwigger: "I hear the storm blew your tent down? "—Circus Fakir: Worse than that. The rain gave the sword-swallower a sore throat and washed all the designs off the tattooed man." My hair is falling out, old chap a solicitor confided to a medical friend. Can you recom- mend something to keep it in? Certainly! was the agreeable reply. A cardboard box Willie: "Father is the captain of our ship at home, and mother's the first mate."—Sunday School Teacher: "What are you?"—Willie: "I guess I'm the compass; they're always boxing me." Miss Plane: The very day I first met him, something told me he would eventually fall in love with me."—Miss Spitz: "Indeed? The something wasn't your mirror, dear, was it? The Boy: "Ma, is anything lost if yer know where it is?"—Ma: "Of course it ain't."— The Boy: "'Cos I've dropped that half-crown you gave me to buy some flour with down a drain." "Love your neighbour as yourself," said the minister, with great earnestness.—" Thomas," whispered the lady who lived next door to a pretty young widow, come away; this is no place for you." Passenger Agent: Here are some postcard views along our line of rail. Would you like them? "—Patron: No, thank you. I rode over the line one day last week, and have views of my own on it." Teacher: "Give me an example of what is meant by masterly inactivity.' "-Boy with the Prognathous Face: "A baseball pitcher de- layin'. the game so it'll have to be called on ac- count o' darkness. Myrtle: What! Allowed George to kiss you? Why, I thought you saii you wouldn't be kissed by the best man on earth?"—Marion: "That wasn't on earth, my dear. We were both sitting in this hammock." Father: "And how are you getting on at school, Johnny?"—Johnny: "Oh, I have learnt to say Thank you and If you please' in French."—Father: That's more than you ever learnt in English." Minister (consoling Donald): Now just look at Job and the affliction that he had, and yet he was patient; just take a lesson from him."— Donald: "It's all right enough, but Job never had a fit like this." "I suppose you find that a baby brightens up the house?" said a bachelor to a friend who had ranged himself among the Benedicks.— Yes," was the semi-sad reply, we burn twice the gas we used to! Bystander: How did you happen to run into that man? "—Chauffeur: Perfectly ridiculous Why, we were only going about sixty mlies an hour, and that chump didn't know enough to get out of the wav." What on earth are you trying to do? I was reading about cooking by electricity, so I hung the chops on the electric bell, and I've been pushing the button for half an hour, but it doesn't seem to work." Mr. Bunsby: If that young man's coming hero to see you every day in the week you had better give him a hint to come after supper. Miss Bunsby: I don't think it's necessary, pa. That's what he comes after." Mrs. Pat: "I say, Pat, did yez git th' job from Mr. Eidleman?" Pat: "Oi did thot." Mrs. Pat: An' I'm glad ov thot. He's a foine man to work for. Ye can't do too much for him." Pat: Besorra, I don't intind to! I suppose you don't object to children? said the lady who was seeking apartments at the sea- side.—"Oh dear no.; I have nine of my own, madam," answered the landlady.—" Oh! um—er —I will send you a letter if I decide to take the rooms." Mrs. Parvenoo: "This, Major, is by an old master."—The Major: "Really! I shouldn't have thought so."—Mrs. Parvenoo: "Oh, yes. Why, the man I bought it of gave me a written guarantee that the artist was over seventy when he did it." That last speaker," said the first guest at the banquet, "was quite entertaining."— Yes," replied the other; and he's a self-made man, too."—" I thought his delivery rather slow, though."—" That's natural. He began life as a messenger-boy. Old Lady (who sleeps badly): Now, Mary, if I should want to light my candle, are the matches there?"—Mary: "Yes. ma'am, there's wan."—Old Lady One Why, if it misses fire or won't light "—Mary: "Oh, never a fear of it, ma'am. Sure, I tried it! Thank you," she said, as he finally gave her his seat; the car bumps so, it is almost impos- sible to stand on -your feet."—" That was be- cause. I kept pullin' 'em out of your way, ma'am," he replied; "but you did manage to land on my pet corn a couple o' times." She was not quite the charmer she imagined herself, and her pride received quite a knock out the other night. The man I marry," she said, must be one who always thinks before he speaks." Then," replied the young gentle- man at whom the shaft had been aimed. I fear he'll never ask you." Gunner: Why the deuce does Bilkins look so blue these days? "—Guyer Why, he loved and lost."—Gunner: "H'm! That must be tough. Girl went back on him, eh?"—Guyer: "No, accepted him. They are married."—Gunner: "But I thought you said he lost?"—Guyer: Yc- lost his freedom." Really," said the stylish lady enthusiastically to her friend, it is quite worth while going to the zco, if only to see the wonderful supply of rhododendrons." Is it? replied her friend languidly. I like to look at the great, big, clumsy beasts, too, but it always smells so un- pleasantly round the cages." Would you mind if I went into the smoking- car?" asked the bridegroom, in a tender voice. What! to smoke, sweetheart? questioned the bride. Oh dear no," replied the young hus- band. I want to experience the agony of be- ing away from you, so that the joy of my return will be all the more intensified." He was a newly-appointed school manager, with an exaggerated sense of his own import- ance. He went religiously through all the class- rooms and registers, but found nothing to criti- cise. At last he saw two teachers chatting and laughing together. Gentlemen, gentlemen," he exclaimed, pouncing upon them, this is not a playhouse; it is a workhouse." "Amelia," said a stern father, holcling a letter his daughter had accidentally dropped, I found this communication on the stairs. Who wrote and sent it? It's—it's from Mr. John- son," answered the girl, with embarrassment. Indeed, miss! And what are all these things at the foot? Oh, those er—are stars, fatheff. Mr. Johnson is teaching me astronomy."