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I AMERICAN IIUlU u xv.

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I AMERICAN IIUlU u xv. A PRIVATE READING. Boggs prides himself on being what he calls, with splendid verbal amplitude, a scien- tific craniologist. There is only one other sub- ject that he permits himself to talk of. and that 113 his wife'a intellectual ability. And so it is that you may try to open conversation on war or peace or the state of political parties, on litera- ture or painting' or sculpture, but he will switch you off to listening to him discourse upon the various phases of phrenological development, or tho brilliant mental qualifications of his wife. I met. him on the street the cycher day. and I wasn't with him a minute but'he began talking: of heads and bumps, of philoprog-enitiveness and acquisitiveness, of veneration and ideality, and a great deal more of what was nothing more than mere riemarole to m2, Now, remarked he, "phrenology, at this late day. unlike mo-dicrne. is an exact science. You can tell to a certainty from observation of a person's head. his or her mental proclivities. Just look at these two women walking ahead of U. Notice the one to the right—I mean the one with the white waist and the blue feather stick- ing from her hat. Remark the general contour of her head and the bumps behind the ears. I will wage? you that that woman is narrow of mind. commonplace in her views, and of general mental inferiority that she- Just then an explosion of some sort tooic place behind us. and the two wcmen turned around to learn the cause of the disturbance. It was then we caught a glimpse of their faces, and take me for a double-eyed villain if the one whoso char- acteristics Boggs had just been describing wasn't really Boggs's own wife! BUBBLES. Every belle should ring true. Letters and words are made fo? an express purpose. The male child doesn't always grow up to be a mailman. Waggon wheels aren't always kept dean by their washers The footman should have no difficulty keeping his hand in An aching void--tho decayed tooth. Sometimes the most skilled equilibrist cannot balance his accounts. As to the appendix, many a physician likes the remark, Cut it out! i >» Perhaps the expression a broth oi a boy originated with the cannibals. Even the short man may talk about his long suit. --Philtidelphia Bulletin. A BILLVILLE FINANCIER. "This has been a hard year on me. but I'm hopin' to pull through." "That's the way!" "Yes; the sheriff 'bout levied on ever thing I had, but I've sent one o' the boys to Atlanta, an' t'other one to Macon, with instructions to let a automobile run over a leg of each of 'em-not to hurt 'em much, so to speak—so's I kin git damages enough to make a fresh start. Atlanta Constitution. TRUE BUSINESS INSTINCT. Ed was a mighty bright negro belonging to a family in Columbia, Tennessee. He had been a faithful servant for many years, and by saving and carefully investing his wages he had belied the usual thriftlessness attributed with more or iess justice to the majority of his race. His master was an attorney, and one morning, before he had arisen, the lawyer was called upon by Ed, who said: Say, boss, Ah wants yo' ter draw me up a mawgidge." 1. A mortgage?" asked his master. What do you want a mortgage for?" Well, Ah's done lent Unc* 'Lisha five dol- lahs, an' Ah wants a mawgigdo on his cow an' caff." "For how long have you lent the money? Fo' one monf." One month! Why. the interest on that amount for that time wouldn't pay for the paper a mortgage is written on." Boss," said Ed, scratching his head, "Ah ain't carin' nuffin' fo' dat intrust-Ah jes' wants dat niggah's cow an' caff." EVERY LITTLE HELPS. "But," asked the young doctor, "why do you always order champagne for every new patient that comes to you? Because, my boy," replied the old practi- tioner, I can judge by what the patient says whether or not he can afford it. That helps me when I come to make out my bill." -Philadel- phia Press. THE REALLY IDEAL LIAR. c Here is the dream that is dearest to mo— Nothing to bother, nor mar- Just to lie out in the shade of a tree, Smoking an endless cigar!" Now, but wouldn't that be ideal? Just to lie out there, under the sheltering shade of an oak, smoking a cigar that will never go out. Ideal? Yes, really. Under the sheltering shade of an oak, Out in the forest afar; Just to lie out there, lie out there and smoke, Smoking an endless cigar!" Yes, it would be just to lie out there—much juster than to lie where it does harm. Just to lie out, lie enough to get over lying, looking up into the beautiful sky and puffing a cigar that never needs another match when you haven't anything in your pocket but seven toothpicks. How lovely! "Looking up into the beautiful sky- Never a jolt nor a jar- Just to lie out there; ob, yes. just to lie, Smoking an endless cigar! Yet, to tell the truth, and not just to lie, it might not be so awfully ideal after all. Suppose it should rain pitchforks and bullfrogs? Sup- pose a meandering cow should mosey along and step, on my unguarded stomach? Suppose a large, long, lean, lank snake should sneak up and rebuke me for lying? After eyeful recon- sideration. I am inclined to think there might be more real realism thrn ideal idealism in it; so I shall forego the fond dream and continue to do my lying indoors. Got a light, pleas,- ?-,fudge. THE HUMORIST'S GUIDE. Oh, Boston is the town for beans; they eat 'em with a fork. Molasses flows in New Orleans; Chicago runs to pork. They're colonels all in Louisville, and when you need a joke, Be careful to remember, Bill, about the Pitts. burgh smoke. St. Louis girls have lengthy feet, or so the jeste claims. Depraved New York is but the seat of all th< bunco games. Long years ago Milwaukee took the lead in beer, I wis. 'And everybody writes a book in Indianapolis. The rubber-plant in Brooklyn thrives; it likes the climate there. And staid blue-stocking stock survives in that old city where Our fathers met and threw aside, so statesmen say, the yoke. Now is not this a handy guide for getting up a joke? -c ourier-J ournal HORRIBLE EXAMPLE. "My dear," said Mrs. Strongmind, "I want you to accompany me to the town hall to- morrow evening." "What for?" queried the meek and lowly other half of the combine. I am to lecture on the Dark Side of Mar- ried Life,' explained Mrs. S., and I want you to sit on the platform and pose as one of the il- lustrations." -Chicago SQICS. HANDY HINTS TO HOUSEHOLD HEADS. When enjoying a jumping toothache the pain can be alleviated in the following easy manner: Cut from an expensive comforter a piece'about the size of your wife's first biscuit, but about a million times softer. Of courso this will de- stroy the comforter, but it will also de- stroy the ache. Dip this piece of comforter into some kerosene until entirely saturated. Then push into cavity of the tooth and hammer it in firmly with a croquct mallet. This will immedi- ately relieve the pain; whereas if you went to a dentist, besides relieving you 4f the pain he would relieve you of perhaps two dollars. If the kerosene leaves a bad state in your mouth it can be remedied by eating a small cube of Limburger cheese or gargling with roof-paint. The above remedy is infallible. One treatment is enough. Try it once and you will never try it again.—Judge. HIS ADVICE TO THE JUDGE. But I do not understand, Webster," laid the judge, how it was possible for you to steal those fowls when they were roosting right under the owner's window,.and there were two vicious doga in the yard." It wouldn't do yer a bit of good, i-.dge, fer me to 'splain how I cotched dem chickens, fer yer coolant do it yerself if yer tried it forty times, and yer might get yer hide full of buck- shot. De best way for you to do, jedge, is fur yer to buy yer chickens in der market, like udder folks do, and when yer wants to commit any rascality do it on de bench, whar yer am at home I

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HINTS FOR THE HOME.

NICE DISHES.

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--1 LLEGED PEHJDni BY CALDWEEE,

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