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A NIGHT OF HORRORS.

SEASON FOR WAITING.

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HORRIBLE DISCOVERY.

A SNAKE IN IA COWS EAR.

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A MW YEAR'S ERROR.

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LITER All Y EXTRACTS. .I

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TIT - B I T S,

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TIT B I T S, HE HAD AX EASY JOB.—"lean readily see, said the old gentleman. that your task in life tleiiian. is to be easier than miue." In what way ?" asked the young hopeful. Why, I had to begin at the bottom and work up, while you have- started at the top and will slide down." PRODUCED HER TiCKEr.—A raw, unsophis- ticated Devonshire maid answered the bell of the front door. An elegantly-dressed lady in- quires for Mrs. offering her card. The maid simply stares at her, refuses the card, and hunts up her mistress. Please, missus, there be a woman at the door wi' a ticket! COULD NOT PROVE AN ALIBI.—" If you are innocent," said a lawyer to his client, an old^ darkey, who was charged with stealing a ham, "we ought to be alile to prove an alibi." I don' 'spec's we kin," the darkey replied doubt- fully. At what time was the ham stolen ?" "'Bout lebben o'clock, dev say." Well, where were you between that and midnight ? In bed ? "No, sah. I wah hidin' de ham." SERVED HDl RIGHT.—It was a picture re- presenting a young man at the feet of his lady- love that roused the ire of the crusty bachelor. "Before I would ever kneel to a woman," he said, I would encircle my neck with a rope and stretch it." And then turning to the girl who sat near him, he inquired: "Do you not think it would be the best thing I could do ?" It would undoubtedly be the best for the woman," was the quiet reply. FOOLISH FELLOW.—Mrs. Fadde (faith-curist): How is your grandfather this morning, Bridget?" Bridget: He still has the rheu- matics mighty bad, mum." Mrs. Fadde: "You mean he thinks he has the rheumatism. There is no such thing as rheumatism." Bridget: Yes, mum." A few days later. Mrs. Fadde: And does your grandfather still persist in his delusion that he has the rheumatism ? Bridget "No, mum, the poor man thinks now that he is dead.. We buried him yesterday." So SHE LEFT.—" Well, mum, I must be after lavin' yez," announced the cook. What do you mean ? Why are you going?" asked her as- tonished mistress. I am going to be married next week," was the reply. But surely, Bridget, you will not leave me so suddenly ? You must ask him to wait for you a few days." Ob, I couldn't, mum Why not, pray ? Sure, mum, I'd like to oblige you, but I don't feel well enough acquainted with him to ask such a thing." I DOG-FIGHTS His ATTRACTION.—In connec- tion with the recent Royal visit to Edinburgh, a somewhat amusing incident occurred. A countryman who happened to be in the town that day, and not knowing anything of the Prince's visit, on seeing the crowd pressing forward in eagerness to see H.R.H., inquired of those near him what it was all about, and on being told remarked, with a disappointed look as he turned away Is that a' ? I thocht it was a feeght." FAILED TO SAVE HIS BACON.—Jack B is the son of a noted north Irish bacon-curer, out goes to school in England. Instead of going Straight back to school after the summer holi- lays, he went off to stay with friends on his own iccount. As a sort of peace-offering, he brought jack with him a fine ham as a present for the lead-master. The master, who was a well-known tvag, aceepted the gift, and afterwards gave the Doy a sound thrashing, at the same time telling aim to thank his parents for the ham, but to issure them that it had not saved his bacon ONE FRO 11 CAPE TOWN.—The following con- I rersation took place between two Transvaal Boers, who had come to Pretoria from the back iountry to sell their produce and buy necessities !or the coming year. They had heard several people discussing the present crisis in the rransvaal. First Boer: If I could only see Rhodes, who is the cause of all this trouble) I'd shoot him like a dog." Second Boer: "Oh, I don't mind Rhodes so much; but if I could only get hold of that Mr. Fraitchise, who has done all this mischief, I'd wring his neck! HOW THE DOCTOR MADE SURE OF HIS PATIENTS.—He was a country doctor, a keen sportsman, and a good shot. One morning he started on his rounds with his gun on his shoul- der. He was looking forward to polishing off a few rabbits when his professional visits were over. A friend, meeting him, and seeing him with the gun, exclaimed Where are you going, doctor, so early in the day, with that deadly weapon on your shoulder ? I'm off to see a patient," replied the doctor. "Well," said his friend drily, "I see you are determined not to miss him." AND YET IT WOULDN'T MovE.-The bicycle girl certainly does some strange things. One of them was taking a spin lately, when she care- lessly ran her wheel into a hole in the pave- ment, taking what was in the old days known as a "header." A policeman assisted her to rise, and, after adjusting the machine, said: "What in the world made you ride into that hole ? Couldn't you see it directly in front of vnn ? "I knew it was there," replied the weep- ing girl, "and I rang my bell just as hard as I could, but it didn't make any difference." This explanation was accepted, and the girl went merrily on her way. SLOW IN GROWTH.—Recently on a very hot day whilst I was enjoying a light refreshment at a roadside inn, a very shabby-looking indi- vidual entered and asked for a pennyworth of: cider. When the accustomed half-pint was. brought him, he was evidently di-,icontentecli with the quantity, for he gazed very hard at th& cup and its contents for some moments. The landlady, noticing this, remarked "I see you are admiring the cup. Why, mister, that cup is over a hundred years old! Oh, over a hundred years old! Well, he's blooming small for his age!" drily remarked her thirsty customer. GREATER STILL.—At an agricultural show in Dublin a pompous member of Parliament, who arrived late, found himself on the outskirts of a huge crowd. Being anxious to obtain a gpod view for himself and some lady friends who ac- companied him, and, presuming that he was well known to the spectators, he tapped a burly coal-porter on the shoulder, and peremptorily ordered Make way there Garn Who are ye pusliin' ? was the unexpected response. "Do you know who I am, sir ? cried the indig- nant M.P.; I'm a representative of the people! Yah growled the porter but we're the bloomin' people themselves A SCOTTISH JUDGE.—A juvenile culprit was brought before a Glasgow magistrate, eharged with stealing a handkerchief from a gentleman's pocket. The indictment having been read, the bailie, addressing the boy, said-" I hae nae doot ye did the deed, for I had a handkerchief ta'en out o' my oin pouch this vera week, so you maun grwg to the gaol for sixty days." A friend of the boy's remarked that the case had not been proved against him. "Oh, then, in that ease," replied the worthy bailie, I'll just gie ye thirty days." On being again informed that even this moderate sentence was a strain upon the law, he finally disposed of the case by saying—Weel, my lad, the evidence is a wee jimp this time, so I'll let ye aff but see and no do t again. How7 THE WALLS RAN DOWN.—The Irishman I who went up in the hotel lift without knowing what it was did not recover easily from the surprise. He relates the story in this way "I wint to the hotel, and says I 'Is Misther Smith, in ?' I Yes,' says the man with the sojer cap. Will yez step in ?' So I steps into the closet,, alld all of It suddint he pulls the rope, and-it's the truth l'se telling yez- the, walls of the build- ing began running down to the cellar. Och, murther!' says I. 'What'll become of Bridget and the children which was left belony there?' Says the sojer-cap man: 'Be aisy, sorr, they'll be all right when yez comes down.' 'Come down is it says 1. Aud it is no closet at all, but a haythenish balloon that yez got me in!' And wid that the walls stood stock still, and he opened the door and there I was with the roof just over my head And begorra, that's what saved me from goin' up to the hevins intirely!

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