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AY IT AND HUMOUR. Passenger Is this tIcket good to stop off ? Conductor: "Yes'm; but it won't be good to get: on again/' "1 met a fellow to-day who doesn't have any trouble to mauo both ends meet." "Rich?"] No, a contortionist. Visitor: "What lovely furniture!" Tommy: I "Yes, the men we bought it from is sorry now he sold it., he's always calling." Shooting Prospects.—Johnnie Bangs "I say, old man, do yon mind taking these cartridges out ? I've never used a gun before, don't you know Freddie: "1a, what is the baby's name?" Ma: "The baby hasn't any name." Freddie: "Then how did he know he belonged here ?" Old Gentleman: Weren't you kissing my daughter when I came in?" Young Man: "Yes, sir. Have you any apology to make." M iss Swift is learning to ride ft bike, she tella me." "But she rode one last year. Why docs she need to learn again ? "Another fellow is teaching her." She Would you call golf an amus ing game ? He: that depends." She: "upon what ?" He Whether I was a spectator or one of the players." "I told him that he wasn't my ideal man, and he told me that I wasn't his ideal girl." And then ? Then we felt perfectly safe to go ahead and get married." Dawson," said the professor to the young graduate, "can you name the greatest composer ot our time ?" "Chloroform is about as good as any," was the reply. Mrs. Tourist: Well, here we are, back in the old flat." 1fr. Tourist: Y-e-s, we'll have to settle down and bo nobodies for another six months." For heaven's sake, Mudge, why do you wear such loud clothes ? "I get better service in the restaurants. The waiters thinks I am a gambler." "Did you enjoy the symphon;' concert?" Not a bit. A girl right in front me was dressed so loud that I couldn't hear of the soft music." And you will never forget me?" asked the girl of her lover, a grocer's assistant. Never," he said, absently. "Is there anything more to- day ? Caller: "Good morning! I am here to tune your piano." Lady of the House: "My piano! I did not order a piano tuner." Caller No, but the gentleman across the way did." A husband agreed to give his £:3 a week to remain in comparative silence, deducting Id. for each superfluous word she uttered. She now owes him nearly enough to pay the National Debt. Snooks "So your wife's mother lives with you, does she ? VVell, I don't think I'd let my mother-in-law come to live with me." Brooks "No, but this is different. You see we—er— went to live with her." "Haven't you made a mistake?" he asked rushing up to the desk of the summer hotel. Ilow ?" inquired the clerk. "You've given me a closet to hang my clothes in, but where's the room that goes with it ? Mrs. De Fine: "Here's my new bonnet. Isn't, it a darling? Only £-1 10s!" Mr. De Fine: Great snakes! You said bonnets could be bought at from 7s Gd up," Mrs De Fine:" Yes, dear, this is one of the ups." Of course, as a general thing," she said, "I don't believe in marrying a man for money but marriage is such a lottery, you see, and it's just as well to know for sure that there's something about him you're sure to like." Fuddy Did you ever notice how quickly a man forgets yon when he has borrowed money of you ? Duddy Not been my experience. They always remembar me quick enough to get out of the way when I come along." If you were the only man in the world," she said, emphatically, I wouldn't marry you." Oh, well, he replied, nonchalantly, if I were the only man in the world, you wouldn't get me. I'd go in for a pretty girl." Ferry Miss Morton told me that she thought you were quite a humorist." Har- greaves "Really, 1-" Ferry "At least, I guess that was what she meant when she said that you were such a funny little man." Poet: I hope you have received the little volume of poems I ventured to send to you ?" Baroness: Oh, yes, I have—it is charming. I wonder where I have put it." Little Karl: Under the leg of the table, mamma, to make it steady." Tourist: "What's the name of that noble mountain?" Native:" Dunno as it's got any. We call it mountain." Tourist: No name for that grand eminence?" Native: "Wot's the use of its having a name ? It's the only mountain here." Willie (to his father who wants to go to the club after supper) "Papa, if you will help me' with my arithmetic I'll tell you something!' F:dher: H'm, and what do you want to tell me ? Willie I'll tell you where mamma hid your boots." I would like to know," said the gruff old father to the young man who had been calling with considerable frequency, whether you are going to marry my daughter ? So would I," answered the diffident young man. "Would you mind asking her ? Long: I'm getting too stout for comfort, but am unable to find a remedy." Short: It is said that nothing reduces surplus flesh like worry." Long: "But I have nothing to worry me." Short: WeH, just to help you, I'm willing to let you lend me ten dollars." Fond Mother (listening to baby's cries): What a sweet-toned voice she has, dear! She'll bo a splendid singer. We must send her to Italy and have her voice cultivated." Husband (irritably, from behind the evening paper): Send her now." First Cyclist: "I don't see any sense in these laws prohibiting us riding on the footpaths." Second Cyclist "Oh, I suppose they think we might run into some pedestrian and then somebody would get hurt." First Cyclist suppose we did; couldn't we sue for damages ? Police (who has carried woman out of burn- ing building) Your name, please ? I have to make a report, you know." Rescued Woman: Jane Alathea Jarvis, and 1';n the most grateful human being that ever—" Policeman: "That's all right, Age, please?" Rescued Woman: "None of your business, sir." Mrs. Querrel sat looking into the fire. Pre- sently she chuckled a little bit. What are you giggling at ?" kindly inquired Mr. Querrel. "I was thinking of the time when you proposed. Yon told me to say one little word that would make you happy for life." Yes, I remember. And you went and said the wrong word." Jack: "Was yours a long courtship, old fellow?" Will: Gracious, no My wife had nine little brothers and sisters." Really. But what difference did that make ?" What dif- ference ? Well, if you had to bribe a crowd like that to keep out of the drawing-room every time you went to see your girl, you'd soon want to cut down the expense." A certain mother was the proud possessor of twins, who were as much alike as two peas. One night she heard a series of giggles proceeding from the neighbourhood of the twins' bed. "What are you laughing at there?" she said. nothing," replied Edith, one of the twins, only you have given me two baths and Alice none." The other day, as a little girl was being dressed, to at! end a children's party given at a neigh- bour's. her grandmother told her to be very sure and not forget when she was ready to come home co say to the mother of the little girl giving the party: Mrs I have had a very pleasant time." The child looked up inquiringly and innocently asked," But, grandma, won't it do just as well if I tell her when I first get icfore I forget it?"