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YANKEE HUMOUR. AT THE POLICE STATION. Magistrate; "You say you are a tourist ? Prisoner: "Yes, sir; I love nature in all her radiant beauty Magistvr-'e (hastily): Never mind that! How much money have you about your clothes ? Prisoner: Seventy-five cents." Magistrate (severely): "Then I shall commit yor as a tramp. We draw the L between tourists and tramps at Idol." THE LAW AND THE PROFITS. Mrs. Sumpkin's oldest boy had gone West, and ;■ friend of the family was making some inquiries about him. "I understand John is an attorney," he said. Yes, and he got lots of business," she answered with a mother's pride. Is he a criminal lawyer ? A shadow fell upon the good old lady's face. "No, not yet," she said. "Leastways he hain't told me. But I'm afraid he will be. The law is so dreadful tempting." WHY HE SELECTED. Manager (to supernumerary): "I am going to give you a small part in the new play do you wish your real name on the bill or will you use an assumed name ?" Supernumerary "I guess I will use an assumed name." Manager Very good what shall it be ? Supernumerary: Signor Vermicilli." Manager That's a high sounding name why do you use Vermicilli? Got it out of a cook-book did you ? Supernumerary: Yes; and I use it because I am aBupe, you know." COULDN'T SAY POSITIVELY. "Howareyou?" said one friend to another; "I haven't seen you for years. How are all your folks ? All well, thank you, except my wife, and she is dead." No ? You don't say so! "Yes, she's dead." "How long ago did it happen ? About two years, I think. Let me see," he con- tinued thoughtfully; "it was on the 1st of August. 1885, or the 3rd, I don't remember exactly which. I .know I lost a very fine Alderney cow about the same time, and whether it was the cow died on the 1st and my wife on the 3id, or the cow on the 3rd and my wife on the lSt, I can't say positively. Anyway, it was about two years ago." SHE GOT THERE. A Detroiter with an office up four pairs of stairs on Griswold-street was inquired after by a lady yester- day at the elevator and the boy asked "Are you a book agent, madam ? "No, sir! Come about some charity ? "No, sir!" "Want his influence in temperance or politics ? "No, sir?" He is very particular whom he sees, madam. Will you give me your name? "I am his wife, sir "O-h-h! you are Well, please wait here until I go up and ask him if he will see you. Take a chair, madam, and I will do my best to bring about an interview.—Detroit Free Press. THE GRAVITY OF IT." General M'Cook was travelling among the Rocky Mountains, and, straying one morning from the trail, stood for a moment entranced by the magnificent land- scape spread before him, when he was aroused from his meditation by the footsteps of one of the guides, who had followed him lest he should lose his way. "Is not this magnificent, Bill?" exclaimed the General, anxious to share his delight. It's mighty purty, Gineral," said the guide; but I can shew you bigger sights nor this. Why, one time Kansas Jim and me had been trampin' three days and nights, and we came to a plain, and right in the midst of it was a forest all turned to solid stun!" The General smiled, and remarked, "I have heard of petrified trees before, Bill." The guide, without changing countenance, con- tinued, "But that warn't all, Gineral; thar war a buffalo on that plain,and he war petrified on the clean jump,and his hufs had kicked up a bit of sod, and I'm durned ef that warn't petrified in the air!" The General turned an amused countenance on the narrator and said, "Why, Bill, the sod would have fallen to the ground by the force of gravity Without any hesitation Bill answered, "But, Gineral,„the gravity war petrified too HAD HIS MIND READ. "I suppose I vhdos shwindled some more," sorrow- fully remarked Mr. Dunder as he paid a visit to Sergeant Bendall yesterday. "Not a doubt of it. What's your story ? "Do you pelief dot a man can read somepody's mind?" "Well, I've heard of mind-readers." So has Shake, und he goes crazy aboudt it. He vhas going to be a mind-reader if it takes all winter. He practice a leedle on me, und I vhas astonished." But about the swindle ? "VheIL two mans come in my place last night vhen I vhas all alone. Vhas I Carl Dunder ? I vhas. All right, one of dot pair vhas a mind-reader, und he like to gif me some points. He doan' do it by everypody, but I vhas such a friendt of der poor dot he like to oblige me. Vhell, Sergeant, dot seems all right, und we lock der door und sot down. I vhas plindfolded mit a handkerchief, und der mind-reader says Mr. Dunder, you fix your mind on some subject shust so hardt as you can, und keep awful shtill. If you take dot pandageoff or Bhumparoundt dot preaks me all oop.' "Vhell, Sergeant, I fix my mind on dot time I falls off my parn on Hastings-shtreet, und maype two minutes goes by and nobody shpeaks to me. Den der oldt woman comes down-shtairs und I take off der pandage. Dose mans vhas gone." And what else ? Two boxes of cigars and fife pottles of whisky. Vhas it a shwindle on me ? "I should smile Mr. Dunder, you are very soft." Sergeant, look in my eye I vhas going i home. To-night some pody vhill drop in. Vhas I Carl Dun- der? I vhas. All right. Mr. Dunder, I like to read 1" "Yes." "Dot vhas all, Sergeant! If some inquest vhas heldt you rememper dot I vhas a swindled man, und dot I kildt him in self-defence DODGING THE ISSUE. He was a slow coach. Her mother said so; the old man said eo; her big brother said so, and scowled darkly when he threatened to call him to account. The reason of all this was that he had long hesitated tojpop the question. He and she were sitting in the gloaming. She said Alfonso, were you;ever engaged ? Yessum," was the sad and unexpected reply. She winced, but immediately rallied, and con- tinued Did the adored one cruelly break her plighted troth?" No I severed my connection." 0, you cruel-hearted flirt Yes the firm I was engaged with heartlessly bounced me." O, a firm-your employers And for why, Alphonsy ? she said, snuggling closer to him on the rustic bench. Alphonso hitched a little nearer off, and replied gloomily "For mental incapacity." "0, no, say not so," said the girl with the oyster mouth, you are not ignorant." "Yes I am," said Alphonso, "I'm a howling idiot." O, no you are keen, young,bright, and intellec- tual. You have a future before you to be shared by some warm and loving heart." No, the future is all a blank—blank as my own vacant mind. On the body politic I'm but a wart." "Think of the happy home you might rear foi yourself and—and No. I am such a blamed fool, I never accumu- late enough property to put in tea. Financially I am i total wreck, and intelluctually busted from away back. Physically I'm nothing but a shell." 0, say not so, Alphonsy." If I only had a cheap, second-hand throne my fractured reason would be sure to totter and wobble all over it." But papa says you are quite a successful speou fator." That's where the old man is off." And mamma says you own a fine house." "The good woman errs. I'm penniless." And my big brother declares that unless you mean business and your intentions are honourable, hat he proposes to horsewhip you on sight in thf nost prominent street in town, and that you have gol either to cash up or draw out of the game." Alphonso is now a happy husband and father. NO HURRY. Mrs. Ikelstein: Ron mit der doctor, kervick. Solomon ter baby ish swallowt a silfer tollar Mr. I.: "Vosit dot von I lefd on ter table?" Mrs. I.: Yes, dot vas id; hurry mit der doctor Mrs. I. "Don'd ged oxcided, Rajel, it vai gounderveid.' ——— AN AMERICAN LAY. A. lis- e green apple hung up in a tree, Calling Johnnie, come Johnnie, come Johnnie A.nd it was as modest as modest could be, Saying Johnnie, come Johnnie, come Johnnie 1" aid Johnnie he came in his sweet childish way, ate up that fruit as his own lawful prey; 1e angels in heaven are singing te-day, Here's Johnnie, here's Johnnie, here's Johnnie I"


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