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TIIERUIS THE KiET-HOLE." -A shrewd and lively young belle was introduced a few evenings ago to a bom- bastic little youth, about as diminutive in his person as a man can well be. After conversing with her for some minutes he turned to leave the room, when, as he was on the point of opening the door, the young lady innocently observed, co Pray don't trouble yourself, there is the key- hole." A Presbyterian Minister, in the reign of King William III., performing public worship in the Tron Church, at Edinburgh, used this remarkable expression in his prayer —" Lord have mercy upon all fools and idiots, and particu- larly upon the Town Council of Edinburgh." HOUSEHOLD SERVICE OF A DOG. I say. stranger," said a cottage urchin to a Yankee pedlar, don't whistle that ere dog away." Why he aint no use no how, he's too ugly." O. but he saves heaps of work." co How 1" Why, be licks the plates and dishes clean, so that they never want washing, and mammy says she wouldn't part with him no how, for our new dog haint got used to mus- tard yet.Mon *'real paper. A BACKBITER'S PUNISHMENT.—The following is said to be an approved method of killing fleas :—" Place the animal on a smooth board, and pen him in with a circular hedge of shoemaker's wax, then, as soon as he becomes quiet, com- mence reading to him the doings of Congress during the session. and in five minutes he will burst with indignation. -American Paper. PUNNING.—There is a time for all things-punning among the number. Now, a pun perpetrated in a morning appears very unseasonable, and it is only your eager novices in the art who ever commit such a solecism, like an ardent schoolboy, letting off his squibs after breakfast, forestalling time and anticipating the night. We have known such a premature exhibitipn produce a fit of indigestion, not only in the person of the punster, but the victim at whom he has poked his fun." Puns and wax-candles shine the most brilliaintly in the evening. After-dinner puns are peris- taltic persuaders," and should invariably be introduced after the nut-crackers. As for any being bearing the semblance of humanity punning at a fish dinner at Blackwall, it is a wickedness, a malice prepense that would seem as incon- ceivable as improbable; and to thrust such a heartless mortal into the Thames to become live bait for whitebait, we should consider as justifiable homicide.—Bentley's Mis- cellany. On opening a vase lately discovered in the ruins of Her- culaneum, the learned Abbe Facciolati found an orange preserved in vinegar. It appears the Romans pickled oranges as we do gherkins. A FAIR TEETOTALLER.—There is a married lady, re- siding within twelve miles of Bath, who has adopted the total abstinence principle for several years, and has increased to the astonishing weight of 284 lbs., and yet is still active and energetic in the superintendence of her domestic duties. -Bath Chronicle. A soldier, in a newly-raised Irish corps, observed to his comrade, that a corporal was to be dismissed the regiment. Faith and indeed 1". replied the other, who's that sure t" Corporal Punishment, Honey," said the wag. A boy was asked, Does the leopard ever change his spots V 44 Oh* yes when he is tired of one spot he goes to another."—" In union there is strength," as the toper said when he poured the brandy into his water. THE MENDICITY MARKET.-Twins are looking up, but orphans are still below par. Blind men make but little progress-but their dogs, when properly trained, Ietch a great deal, and that, too, at a single bidding. Crossing- sweepers are firm, and still stick to their posts, though the Lascars have lately swept everything before them. The frozen-out gardeners are complaining bitterly of the mild- ness of the weather, Congreve. matches, since the rain, will not go off at all. Ballads are largely quoted-but somehow do not sell for more than a mere song. Begging- letters do not answer, though the chalk-writing on the pave- ment, especially the running-hand, goes off as rapidly as ever. Wooden legs are sent away begging whilst sailors, who have lost their arms, go crying about the streets, but find that London is not, exactly the place for alms-giving. Fiddlers continue to scrape as much as formerly but organs are turned to no profit, and the Scotch band, we are sorry to say, no longer pipes to the same tune that it used to. do. —Punch. There is a man in St. Andrews who is so great a liar that he even lies when he's asleep.


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