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IMPROMPTU. "That luckless craft, the "Church," ah me Becomes a puzzle more and more; Though tempests darken every see, She struggles hard to sink-A-SUORE J. P. DOUGLAS. A WELL-BRED I)oc,We have heard from very good au- thority that in anticipation of the very laudable intention of the Attorney-General to abolish the evil practices of the Palace Court, the crier of the court has prevented the necessity of any further reductions, as far as he is concerned, by deliberately crying his eyes out.-Punch. THE TEETOTAL TIMES gives a shred of comfort to the poor "How extensive and diverse is the human 'Bill of Fare from train oil to balsamic milk from bread of rye to the finest wheaten from shrimps to turtle and from a canine sirloin to that acme of civilisation, a jigot of frog. Excess in eating commits vastly wider mischief than does deficiency." ALL ALIVE.—We see a gentleman was presented to her Majesty at the levee, on his return from Ireland." Is there anything very arduous in going to Ireland ? Is there anything very wonderful in a gentleman returning from it ? We put these questions with the greatest caution, for really it would seem, from the above presentation, tiiat it was altogether a service of the most imminent danger. If that is to be the es • Ublished qualitication, Van Amburgh ought to be presented at the very next levee, for he puts his head in the lion's mouth every day of his life.-Pittich. PHONETIC AND ROMANIC -We esteem it one of the greatest advantages of phonetic spelling that it leads surely, quickly, and ezisily to ronaiiie reading. One of the first children on whom the Phonetic plan was tried, some years ago, before it was perfected, and rendered so much more subservient as an introduction to romanic spelling, without other instruc- tion, by her own unaided thought, and almost without labour, found herself able to read any romanic books.- Phonetic News. THE New York Mirror describes the thirst for gold as deli- rium tremendous. A CORRESPONDENT of the Cheltenham Free Press is alarme 1 lest Mr. Wortley, by legalising the union of a widower with his wife's sister, should peril the union of Church and State. IN the report of the municipal commissioners on the City of London, it is stated "The Lord Mayor's chaplain and coachman receive each a freedom annually." How TO BREAK A HORSE.—This can be done very easily by riding at a steeple-chase, where, if the leaps are at all difficult, your horse is sure to be broken, and into so many pieces, that it will be quite a puzzle to put it together agaiii.-Vicle the Liverpool Steeple-chase, where three horses were killed. ANALYSIS OF THE SPEECH OF MH. DISRAELI.—The speech made by Mr. Disraeli in the House of Commons on proposing his resolutions relative to the bmdens all agriculture, was sent for analysis to the laboratory of that eminent chemist, Mr. Punch. It appeared as a mass of watery vapour, nearly equal in volume to a small duodecimo, but which was reduced by condensation into a much smaller space. On applying the test of Mr. Joseph Hame there was thrown down a large precipitate of imaginary facts and figures. There remained in solution a tissue of misrepresent itions combined with a great amount of clap-trap and a considerable portion of fatty matter, that, on examination, proved to be gammon from which substances the liquid was separated by distillation. The product which came over was chiefly aqueous; containing, however, traces of spirit, and a niiiiutequaiitity of essential principle—which con- sisted in eadrig the landlords of taxation at the expense of the community, and leaving the much-enduring tenant-farmers worse off than they are.— Punch. ALPHABETICAL Co, U-NDltu.,ts. -NNrh), is the letter A like the meridian ? Because it is the middle of the day.—Why is the letter B like a hot fire ? Because it makes oil boil.-Why is the letter D like a fallen angel ? Because by its association with evil, it becomes a devil.—Why is the letter E like the end of time ? Because it s the beginning of eternity.—Why is the letter F like death ? Because it makes all fall.—Why is the letter G like wisdom ? Because it's the beginning of greatness and goodness.—Why is the letter II like the dying words of Adam? It is the end of the earth."—Why is the letter I like the American revolutionBecause it's the beginning of independence.—Why is the letter J like the end of spring? Because it's the beginning of Jut-ie.-Wliy is the letter K like a pig's tail ? Because it is the latter end of pork —Why is the letter L like a young lady giving away her sweetheart to ano- ther? Because it makes over a lover,—Why is the letter T best suited to grenadier companies ? Because it makes all men tall men.

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