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NEW PROVERB.-Promises, like Government ships, were only made to be broken. A GOOD AVirr,Wheii a daughter remarks—"Mother, I would not hire help, for I can assist you to do all the work of the kitchen," set it down that she will make somebody a good wife.-Uncle Sam. SIMPLICITY.—The Mail says that a nurse at one of the Liver- pool hospitals being sent the other day for a dose of tincture of rhubarb and peppermint, asked very gravely for a dose of india rubber and plenty of pepper in it." AMERICAN BAR ELOQUENCE.—" May it please the honour- able court and gentlemen of the jury-the defendant in this case wilfully and maliciously, with all the fury of a fiend, emerged from the wild wilderness with all the terrific frenzy of a roaring lion, and with his gigantic strength he did then and there seize my inoffensive client by the collar and tore his shirt!"—American Paper. DOING THE JEWELLER.—A sailor, calling upon a Liverpool goldsmith, asked him what might be the value of an ingot of gold as big as his arm, The jeweller beckoned him into a back room, and primed him with grog. He then asked to see the ingot. 1, 0 1" said Jack, I haven't got it yet, but I'm going to Californy, and would like to know the value of such a lump before I start." The jeweller started him out of the shop. WHAT IS THE FEMININE OF BOAR?—In a little school not a hundred miles from Brixton, the question was put, 11 What is the feminine of Boar ?" It went all round the class till it came to the turn of the youngest. Now, my dear," said the school- mistress most confidently, 1 am sure you can tell me what is the feminine of Boar." Oh, yes, ma'am, I know." What is it, then, darling ?" Why, please, ma'am, the feminine of Boar is a Muff.Puizeh. INSOLVENCY THE REPRESENTATIVE OF CAPITAL.—Many a member, who has been proved unqualified to take care of his oyv0.j) £ kATs, is yet perfectly qualified, it seems, to take care of the affairs of the nation. The letters M.P. are, in numerous in- stances, only letters of taark aeeorded to certain gentlemen to plunder whom they please without being made accountable for it;—in plain English, it is Piracy according to Act of Parlia- ment.-Punch. Inisii LABOURERS IN AMERICA.—The Irish labourers on most of the public works in America are divided into hostile factions and parties, as our fathers were for centuries before the English invasion under Henry II. There are the Far-ups and Far- downs (men from the South and North of Ireland), the Cor/con- ians, Connaughtmen, and Longtails (men of Longford); and though they all call themselves Catholics, they will not work together on the same section of a canal or railroad.—Corre- spondent of the Province of llfunster. CHRISTIANITY was always taught by its founder with direct applications to life—not as a Science, but as a daily Duty. Love to God was no abstraction. It implied love of Wisdom, Jus- tice, Goodness, Holiness, Charity. To love these is to love God; to love them is to live them. — Theodore Parker. HomE.-There may be a home in the forest or the wilder- ness and there may be a family, with all its blessings, though half its members may be in foreign lands, or in another world. It is the gentle memories, the mutual thought, the desire to bless, the sympathies that meet when duties are apart, the fer- vour of the parents' prayer, the persuasion of filial love, the sister's pride and the brother's benediction, that constitute the true elements of domestic life, and sanctify the dwellings of our birth. Friends are assigned to us for the sake of friendship and homes for the sake of love; and while they perform their offices in our hearts, in essence and in spirit, they are with us ■till. —James Martineau. THE PORTER PUZZLED.—A. porter having a parcel to carry to a student in one of the colleges of Cambridge university, upon entering the square, met one of the collegians, and asked him if he could tell him where he might meet Mr. -——. The son of Euclid replied (at the same time placing his trencher on one side of his head, and wrapping his gown round him,) "You must crucify the quadrangle, then ascend the grades, and you'll find him perambulating in the cubicle near the fenester." The porter, not knowing the meaning of all this, stared; but recol- lecting the last word, asked what was a fenester. A fenester, man, is the diaphanous part of an edifice erected for the intro- duction of illumination." The porter walked off, grumbling, and said he would never ask his way of a Frenchman again. IInns FOR HUSBANDS.—If your wife complains that young ladies "now-a-day" are very forward—don't accuse her of jealousy. A little concern on her part only proves her love for you, and you may enjoy your triumph without saying a word. D >n't evince your weakness, either, by complaining of every trifling neglect. What though her chair is not set so close to yours as it used to be-or though her knitting and crochet seem to absorb too large a share of her attention, depend upon It that, as her eyes watch the intertwinings of the threads, and the manoeuvres of the needles as they dance in compliance to her delicate fingers, she is thinking of courting days, love letters, smiles, tears, suspicions, and reconciliations, by which your two hearts became entwined together in the network of love, whose meshes you can neither of you unravel or escape.— Family Herald. THE DUE or THE DISDANDRD. -Dear Mr. P.—I see, sir, that the establishment conducted by Wellington and Co. are discharging their supernumerary hands, per government order. I wish to know, sir, what these unfortunate parties are to do. Are they to take to the stone-breaking business? or should you say they had better go into the lucifer-match line ? Really, Mr. Punch, I don't think it quite the thing to throw these mili- tary individuals out of employ without any compensation. It 1S not the Stilton. An ex-chancellor does not altogether get the sack when he is dismissed from the woolsack. He has his Sllg allowance of a trifling £ 5,000 a-vear. Do you not coin- cide in opinion with the gent who now addresses you, that sorne little consideration is due to the ex-private?—I am, dear gir, yours respectfully, A BAGMAN.—Punch. WANTS A PLACE !—The following is a correct copy (address fitted) of an advertisement from the Times Supplement, *eb. 7 :)o You a Want a Servant? Necessity prompts the luestion. The advertiser offers his services to any lady or f^fttlenvan, company, or others in want of a truthful servant, Co»tiiential servant" in any capacity not menial, where a practi- Cal knowledge of human nature in various parts of the, world ^ould be available. Could undertake any affair of small or &l'°at importance, where talent, inviolable secresy, or good ^dress would be necessary. Has moved in the best and worst i ^cieties without being contaminated by eithei; has never been SERVANT begs to recommend himself as one who knows his |Uii°e is moral, temperate, middle-aged, no objection to any |Jdrt of the world. Could advise any capitalist wishing to lcrease his income and have the control of his own money. .o:lld act as secretary or valet to any lady or gentleman. Can o advice or hold his tongue, sing, dance, play, fence, box, a sermon> tell a story, be grave or gay, ridiculous or g lime, or do anything, from the curling of a Peruke to the ^J^tting of a citadel, but never to excel his master. Address t