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THE man was very anxious to borrow the money, I and he argued so loud in his own defence that the J president of the bank grew weary. My dear sir," ( he said pettishly, I can't talk to you forever on this subject. Time is money with me." "Is that so?" inquired the caller with much earnestness. There never was anything truer." "Well, then, here's my note at four months give me the cash for it," and the bank president went square back on his word. HE Did you know that Jimkins had been living a double life for the past six months ?" She: No The horrid wretch." He: Yes he gave up single life when he got married." JINKLETS "I want my wife to be a woman who thinks before she speaks." Plunkett: Why don't you say you are a confirmed bachelor ?" LANDLADY: I'm always forgetting—do you take cream in your coffee, Mr. Spluds ?" Mr. Spluds (a pessimistic boarder): Very seldom in this house, madam." A STRIP of red flannel she wears round her neck, She talks in a hoarae kind of way, The pretty rose tints of her cheeks are a wreck, For she was a Queen of the May. MANAGER: "What is the character of the play you have written?" Playwright Very bad. I made it to meet the taste of the times." "WIIAT is the golden mean we hear about?" asked one small student of another. It must be a miser," replied the latter. AT the foot of the elevated station at Sixth-avenue and Fourteenth I came upon a man holding up two pairs of shoe-strings which he had bought from one of the street fakirs. He was looking at them in such a curious, way that I asked him what was wrong. "Say!" he replied, as he turned to me, "the feller said these were two cents a pair or two pairs for five cents!" "And you took two pairs," I replied. "Yes, but how does it come? That's what I'm trying to figure out." Why, the fakir beat you out of a cent." Twice two are four; and so he did, and it has turned out jest as the old woman said it would! She told me I'cet swindled and cheated and robbed and hornswaggled out of every cent I had, and have to walk home, and this is the beginning of it!" It's too bad, and I'd advise you" Never mind your advice, young man!" he interrupted, as he backed away. You look like a brother to the chap who sold me a tin monkey for 10 cents and pinched off nine cents' worth of tail in wrapping it up in a paper, and if you git me roused I'll break loose and lick the hull town but what I'll hev satisfaction As I looked up from my newspaper in going up- town on a Third-avenue elevated train I found a woman hanging to a strap in front of me. I at once made a move to offer her my seat, but before I could get up the man on my left laid his hand on my arm and said: Keep yeur seat, sir—it's all right." But the woman is standing." Yes, I know." And I want to offer her my seat." Of course but don't do it. The woman is all right." Perhaps J you know her ?" Certainly—she's my mother-in- law, and can stand up all day and not feel tired. Just keep your seat or offer it to some other woman!" I didn't want to create a scene in the car, and so returned to my paper; but as the couple got off together with a crowd the woman gave him three hearty kicks and a push which sprawled him on top of the news stand. He doubtless told me the truth when he said she was his mother-in-law. HE You can tell a woman's character even by the arrangement of the tidies on the chairs in her parlour." She: But suppose there are no tidies ?" He: "Then she is considerate." Miss OLDUN I'd like to see any man alive kiss me!" Mr. Sharpe: I guess you would." BOBBINS: "Higbee is a genius." Bradford: "Can -do anything, I suppose ?" Robbins:" Yes, anything but make a living." How is it that you are still a bachelor ?" inquired Cags. "I don't know," said Taggs, "unless it's because I never married." WtirunE are you going, my pretty maid ?" I'm going a-moving, kind sir," she said. I'll move along with you, my pretty maid." Your motion's not seconded, sir," she said. HE (resuming his seat after a brief visit outside) What an atmosphere of realism there is about this play!" She Yes. Smells like cloves." I SHE: No Mr. Blunnderre, I cannot entertain your proposal. The truth is—I am engaged to marry your lather." He Whv. the old idiot!"