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LAUGH & GROW FAT 4

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LAUGH & GROW FAT 4 HUMOROUS PARS FROM EVERYWHERE. "Thankee, sir," said a, oahman to an elderly gentleman who had paid the exact fare. Best go in quietly, sir, in oas ethe old woman wakes up and 'ears me drivin' away. She might stop the rest of your pocket-money for this hextravagance!" Mother: Oh, don't you tbink we had better send for the doctor? Johnny says he feels so bad. Father: Oh, he's felt bad before this, and got over it! Mother (anxiously): Tee, dear; but never on a half-holiday! The danger of sending telegrams is shown in the following story. A member of Parlia- ment was to ha.ve made a speech at Derby, and being unable to do so because the heavy rains had destroyed the branoh railway sent a telegram as follows: "Cannot oome. Wash out on line." In a few hours the roøply came: "Never mand. Borrow a shirt." He rushed into the office of his stock- broker in a towering rage. My dear sir," said the share merchant affably, you fail to realise-" On the contrary," howled the other, tbat's exactly what you failed to do." A "eoal miner in the East of Scotland was visited by a. friend, and among the places of interest shown was, of course, the pit mouth. Seeing the cage lowered into the pit with the stout steel rope, the miner's friend exclaimed:— My word! I shouldn't like to go down there on that rope." "Why," ex-claimed the miner, "AW wadua like to gang doon there without it!" Everybody knows one or more of those conscientious ejetists who cannot rid them- selves of the idea that no one can be trusted to carry out the simplest details of routine work without their personal supervision. It was one of these men who sailed for America, leaving in his brother's care a parrot of which lie was very fond. All the way across the Atlantic he worried about the bird, and no sooner had he landed at New York than he sent over this cablegram to his brother:- Be sure and feed parrot." And the brother cabled back:— Have fed him, but he's hungry again. What shall I do next?" WHAT TIIE PUBLIC WANTED. Witb hisses and groans an audience greeted the gToat scene of a new drama. All hope of succors was at ml end. It's hard to tell what the public wants," murmured the heart-broken playwright. It's easy enough to tell in this case," said the rnanagcr, grimly. It wants its money ba-ok 1" DEAD! I The Gentleman Farmer (anxiously): What in the world, Mr. Hodge, do you suppose is the matter with my hens? Why, this morn- ing I found six of them lying on their backs, cold and stiff, with their feet sticking up in the air? Hodge (after a suitable season of cogita- tion): Yer 'ens is d,,ad-th-atr, all thsre is the matter with 'em! SMELT OF IT. He was a company secretary of more or less repute, and his Saturday afternoon's pursuit was golf and whisky and soda. On this particular Saturday, however, he had been detained in town. On reaching home he was met by his wife and little son. "No game to-day, my dear," be said to his wife, aa he picked up his little boy and kissed him. Then his offspring sniffed the air and said, "Well, daddy, you do smell awfully of golf." ALREADY UNITED. The incumbent of a populous parish, who never failed to have publication of numerous banns, looked for the banns book as usual after the first Lesson. Feeling assured of finding it he commenced: — "I publish the banns of marriage"—awk- ward pause, during which he looked beneath f^H^ice books, but it was not there. "I publish the banns," repeated he, still fumb- ling', "between—between Between the cushion and the seat," shouted the clerk looking up and pointing to the plaoe where the book had been mis- laid. FULL UP. The railway carriage was crowded, but a very fat old gentleman who sat by the win- dow calmly ignored the ominous looks of the passengers for taking up so much room. A boy selling buns poked his head in at the window and inquired: — ''Buns, sir?" The old gentleman was slightly deaf, and, not noticing the buns, thought the boy wanted a seat in the already packed carriage, &o he remarked: "Full UP. my boy! No more room inside!" A roar of laughter followed his reply, and the old gentleman innocently wondered as to the cause of their merriment. THE DEALER'S GIFT. A horse dealer, one who buys and sells doubtful and worn-out animals, sold three of these to a customer, for jEl each. "Noo," said the purchaser, "I maun hae a lucky penny, for this is the first Uusiness I've dune we' ye." Na, na," replied the dealer, busineee is business. Ye'Te got yer beasts, an' I've got the money. I never gie lucky pennies." Ah, but I mau hae, t," the customer persisted. Something wad be sure to gang wrang if I didna' get a lucky penny on the first bit o' business." Weel, I'll tell ye what I'll dae, said the dealer, "111 no' gie ye ony money back, but I'l gie ye another horse into the bargain.'

A CHILD MARTYR.

HORSE EATE^ ALIYE.

HER CONFESSION.

4 THE ELOPEMENT. -

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