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-J. f" A C E T I /F. A game much in vogue on board ship in a heavy sea-Pitch and toss. Why is the tailor the poor man's best friend ? Ee- cause he settles che rents. Sambo, did you ever see the Cafsgiii Mountains ?' "No, sah; but I've see urn kill mice." A howling dog, fastened to a post, is supposed to embody the poet's idea of the moaning of the tide." Rejected Lover: "But couldn't you learn to love me?" Young Lady: "I might-if I never saw you again." What did the young lady mean when she said to her lover, You may be too late for the train, but you can take a buss ?" There is a man in Milwaukie who fairly pants for fame. He proposes to wear to the centennial a pair of trousers that his grandfather wore in 1776. "Will this pipe smoke free?" asked a gentleman who was purchasing a pipe. Of course it will, if you can get your tobacco for nothing," was the reply. A strong-minded woman says that men are allowed to do what they please and go where they please, when any one can see that the women are universally tied back." The Boston editor said he wrote as plain as could be, The sacred heavens around him shine," when the printer went and made it, "The scared hyenas around him whine." A Ricii TAILOR.—A Mr. Nihil, wishing to sport a motto, was supplied with Ex nihilo nihil fit." It was soon laid aside, for unclassical customers trans- lated it, At Nihil's nothing fits." The editor of a Chicago paper pops the question in his columns in this public fashion: "There is a certain girl in this town who can carry our housekeys for life if she'll only say the word.American paper. It was once observed to Lord Palmerston that a cer- tain M.P., always in debt, intended to bring in a bill. Let him," cried the Premier; "but it would do him more credit, and prove more satisfactory to certain parties, if he were to take up one." I owe you one," said a withered old Calebs to a lady at a party. "For what?" asked she. "Why, calling me a young gentleman." If I did so," was the rather ill-natured reply, "I beg you will not regard it as a compliment, for, though an old man, you may still be but a young gentleman.American paper. A countryman, just recovering from the effects of a severe boil on the nose, stopped an urchin near Fort Green, and asked him the way to the corner of Fulton and Clinton streets. The lad glanced at him sus- piciously a moment and then said Well, yer needn't go there, mister; there ain't no ginshop on that corner.American paver, How old are ye ? said Mr. Kiplins to a dwarfish young man. Twenty." I wonder you aren't right down ashamed of being no bigger; you look like a boy of ten." All comes of being a dutiful child." "How so ? When I was ten, father put his hand on my head, and said stop there,' and he then ran away. I've never seen him since, and didn't think it right in me to go on growing without his leave." LI-.TTF.KED EXPOSUHE.—Lord Wellesley had a copy of Keppel's Travels in Babylonia presented to him. On looking at it, he immediately began bantering the author about the letters "F.A.S. which he had placed after his name. Do you know," he exclaimed, "those letters mean a 'fellow abominably stupid ?' And you have only to add F.R.S.' to your next edition, and you will be a fellow remarkably stupid,' into the bargain! ACROSS THE HERRING POND.-A high Government functionary,' as the papers called him, took tea with a lady in Philadelphia, and, after awhile, she, observing that be hnd no teaspoon, exclaimed, "Why, Mr. Wriggle, it isn't possible that I have forgotten to give you a spoon I could not have made such a mistake." The "high Government functionary" at once arose, and with the air of a veteran offered his pockets for investigation. The lady said she didn't mean that, and the affair dropped. CHEMICAL WEDDING.-This sample of the poetry of science gives us the offspring of a chemical wedding Messrs. Water and Oil One day had a broil, As down on the grass they were dropping. And would not unite, But continued to fight, Without any prospect of stopping. Mr. Peat lash oei-heat-d, And, qnictc as a word, He jumped in the midst of the clashing When all three agreed, And uuited with speed, And Soap came out ready for washing. A hatter setting up in his business consulted his fripndll on the inscription for his shop: John Thoiup- POD, hatter, makes and sells hafs for ready money," with thi sitrn of a hat. The first friend suggested that hotter was superfluous, the second that it was betler not to mention ready money," for it was some- times prudent to give credit; and a third, that the purchaser of a hat cared not a fragment of nap who made i.t. The inscription was abridged in obedience to the-e criticisms, and read, "John Thompson sells hafs." "Sells ''exclaims a fourth, "Why, who would expect him to give them away ?" upon which the last two words were expunged, and all that remained of the original device was "John Thompson." PRESENCE OF MIND.—At a fire in a provincial town the goods in the bumms shop had to be cast into the street, and, as a matter of course, the night being dark,'the articles were disappearing with rapidity, when a policeman, observing a man in the act of picking up a fine cheese, very cleverly made his way through the crowd, and stationed himself immediately behind so as to prevent any escape. The man rose with the cheese in his hands, and was preparing to decamp, but, on beholding the policeman m such close vicinitv! he suddenly chanced his mind, and quietly placed the cheese in the policeman's arms, remarking as be did so, "There, you had better take care of that, or some one will be walking off with it! Silt \VAi.TEK SCOTT.-Lord Aberdare tells the follow- in" storv of Sir Walter Scott :-On one occasion. when he was acting as chairman of a public dinner of an agricultural society, Sir Walter proposed the health of the ministry of the day. which was that of Pitt and Dundas The toast, was received with acclamation hnt immediately afterwards a sturdy member of the Liberal party got up and proposed the health of his Maiestv's Opposition. As that proposal met wfth viuient'opposition, and the feeling was so strong that it seemed likely that the gentleman who made the pro- posal would be ejected, the chairman got up and said that he paw no reason why the toast should not he proponed, with a slight addition, and be would t.he>e- fore propose "the health of his Majesty s Opposition, and long may they keep their places." Mr. Frost, in his book on c reus celebrities, tells an amusing story of 'he ignorance of music of Philip Astlev, the originator of the circus at Westminster, which for nearly a century has been known by his name. As the story goes, Astley, on one occasion, on ?ome of the musicians suspending their performances, demnnded the reason. "It is a rest," returned the leader. "Let them go on then," said the equestrian I pay them to play, not to rest," Presently a chro- matic passage occurred. "What do you call that?" demanded he. "A chroraatic passage," rejoined the leader, with a smile, "Rheumatic passage?" said Astlev, not comprehending t.he term. It is in your arm, I suppose but I hope you'll get rid of it before you play wit.h the people in front." "You init-under- stand me, Mr. Astley," returned the leader. "It is a chromatic passajre all the instruments have to run up the pa'sace." "Then I hope they'll soon run back again, or the audience will think they are running away." There was a foxhunting parson in the north of Devon sonif years aero, who was fond of having con- vivial meetings in his parsonage, which often t-niied uproariously. Bishop Philpott; sent for him, nnd ,aiel, "Mr. I hear, but I can hardly believe it, lIH.t men fight in your house." 11 Lor, my dear," an- swered the parson, in broad Devonshire, "doant y' ba- lieve it- When they bezin fiuhting I take and turn I | them out into the churchyard." The bishop came one • day to visit him without notice. The parson, in scarlet, was just about to mount his horse «nd gallop off to the meet, when he beard, the bishop was in the \iUnKa. He had btrely time to send awav hi^ hunter, run upstairs "nd jump, red coat and boi>ts, into bed, when the Bishops carriage drew up at the door.' "Tell his lordship I'm ill, will ye!" was his ;n junction to his housekeeper. "Is Mr.-—-in?" asked the bishop. He's ill in bed," an id the house- kee|v-r. i)f^r me I'm so sorry Pray ask him if 1 in,iv "onie up and si- with him." The housekeeper ran Jp<t"H s in souie dismav. and entered the parson's r oll, The parson s'ealt.hilv r-.ised his head above >h> h •<In'if= re:)SJureri when he s.-iw his U&l hv i.i« ».;<! ..ot bv ,h,> ,o.,e impairs and si wtth vo'i h <"< Gui„i It't\I'II.- V (, I* r' ).* o-iil "in „wl I.. !? lordship 1.1 ,1 iVvmi« r '■* jiif-viva'*1*. xtie Lady-day address to the Orangeaien of Ll^it i, ny Mr. Wiiiiaui Johnston, M.P., ia supposed to Huh- lie Lady-day address to the Orangeaien of Ll^it i, ny -\1r, Johnston, M.P., is supposed to 111(11. ■j tie a certain amount of apprehension ilIL an a U-u. 1- >nm nmy occur o» that day, as Mr. Johnston begs i,ne Ura'jgeiuen to provoke no hos ili y by "an angry ex- pression or hostile act,and to maintain the credit pression or hostile act," ard to ill!iilltlti" the credit ot Belfast and Ulster."

----._-ROBERTS AND LYDDON,…

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