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F A C E T I 2E.

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F A C E T I 2E. The butchers of Montreal are goinQ' to start a news- paper with slooo capital, and have steaked their all upon the venture. There is a great rush for positions as compositors, owing to the anticipated amount of fat. A misprint of rather a ludicrous nature appeared in a Scottish contemporary the other day. In giving a list of jurors who are cited to sit at the circuit court at Inverness in September one of them was styled sheep-stealer instead of sheep-dealer. Mrs. Grizzle's husband lately died of cholera. In the midst of the most acute bodily pam, after the hand of death had touched him, and while writhing in agony, his gentle wife said to him, "Well, Mr. Grizze, you needn't kick about so, and wear all the sheets out, if you are dying The origin of ox-tail soup dates from the close of the Peninsular war, and the cheap feeding of our French prisoners. The commissariat used to supply them, for cheapness, with ox tails, then considered as offal, and left on the hides. The Frenchmen, with their usual cleverness in cooking, made these tails into soup. A Fifeshire man recently took his child to the minister to be baptised, who asked him, Are you prepared for so solemn and important an occasion ? Prepared I he echoed with some indignation, I hae a firlot o bannock bakin', two hams an' a gallon o' the best Highland whusky, an' I wad like to ken what better preparations ye expeck frae a man in my condi- tion o' life ? A landed gentleman some time since drained an un- profitable sap, and was one day watching the result, when a farmer came up to him and said, Sir, you have a beautiful crop. Yes, I have," was the re- joinder. How did you get it ? was asked. Brains," was the reply. What, manure the field with brains ? was further inquired. Oh, yes." The farmer opened his eyes, and said, Lord, yer honour, where d'ye get 'em ? The following story may be, not inopportunely, per- haps, recommended to the notice of any who, fired with an enthusiasm for literature, think of devoting them- selves to the distinguished profession of journalism. A Far West newspaper, having admitted some strong personalties into its columns, announces that it is obliged to cease publication for the following reason :— Our editor has lately disappeared according to the latest information he was last seen under a tree, slightly raised above certain persons, who were-pulling at a rope." At Chicago, on the 13th ult., the wife of Thomas Cross gave birth to a daughter, this being the seven- teenth time that Mrs. Cross has made her husband a happy father. Mr. Cross, on this occaeion, said, Amelia Jane" (Mrs. Cross's christened name is Amelia Jane), this is not to be borne." But it is born, my dear," said the wife, meekly. Don't get angry, my love we have all our little crosses to bear." Mr. Thomas Cross groaned in the bitterness of spirit. Amelia Jane, this thing has been going on long enough if you have any more little Crosses to bear, I shan't help you to support them." A weather-beaten trtipper was recently seen saunter- ing along the main street of a Western village. Paus- ing in front of a little meeting-house, he went in and took his seat among the congregation. The preacher was discoursing on the text of the sheep and the wolves," and had evidently been drawing a contrast between the two subjects. He said—"We who assemble here from week to week, and do our duty, and perform our part, are the sheep. Now, who are the wolves ?" After a pause the trapper rose to his feet, and said, "Waal, stranger, rather than see the play stopped, I will be the wolves!" The preacher was van- quished. A tailor possesses the qualities of nine men combined in one, as will be seen by the following observations 1. As an economist, he cuts his coat according to his -cloth. 2. As a gardener, he it careful of his cabbage. 3. As a sailor, he shears off whenever it is proper. 4. As a play-actor, he often brandishes a bare bodkin. £ >. As a lawyer, he attends many suits. 6. As an auctioneer, he provides suspenders or gallowses for many persons. 7. As a good cook, he is generally furnished with a warm goose. 8. As a sheriff's officer, he does much at sponging, 9. As a rational and scriptural divine, his great aim is to form good habits for the benefit of himself and others. A porter in a country shop came to grief the other day. There are a large number of clerks and assistants about the place, and the proprietor has trained them into an amateur fire-brigade, the shop being supplied with hose pipes, and buckets, and several fire extin- guishers. In case of fire, or even an alarm, this brigade do wonders. They did on this occasion. The porter referred to put a lighted pipe into his pocket, and in a few minutes there was a brisk fire in his rear, and an alarm brought that well-trained brigade quickly to work. Several buckets of water were dashed upon him, two streams were soon playing upon the terrified fellow, and, to crown all, he was nearly suffocated with the exiinguishers. In fact, that brigade refused to stop until each department of it had practised upon him for a few minutes. But be was put out—and then kicked out for being so careless. It was on one of the American river steamers at dinner that an able, matronly lady remarked in the midst of conversation with a grave-looking gentleman on the subject of intemperance, Of all things in the world, I despise whiskey-drinkers." The gentleman dropped his knife and fork in the ardour of his feel- ing, extended his right hand, and took her's within his own, and with emotion that threatened tears over the loss of ruined sons, he replied with faltering words, Madam, I respect your sentiments, and the heart dic- tating them. I permit no one to go beyond me in despising whiskey-drinking. I have been disgusted in this very boat, and I say it now before the captain's face. What, I say, can be more disgusting to see, than co' well-dressed, respectable, and virtuous-looking young men step up to the bar of the boat, and, without fear of observing eyes, boldly ask for whiskey, when they know there is in that very bar the very best old Cognac brandy ?" "Yes," said a driver of the car to the man who stood on the steps, "she's a mighty nice mare for car work leastways to look at. Kick ? Well, rather. Since I ve had her she's removed the insides from two horses hitched in with her she's caved in her stall times enough te make one carpenter rich, and livened up mor'n one passenger. 'Member one case in parti- cular nice old gent with youngsters —goin'out for a pic-nic-had a basket of lunch covered up with a table- doth. Just as he was gittin' off, the mure worked round when I wasn't lookin', and she fetched that basket one clatter with both feet—I don't rightly know but she got in all four—anyways there was lunch for everybody within ten rods, whe:her he wanted it or not -the news-boys mostly did. Think the old man saved the knuckle-bone of the ham and the cork of one bottle. Sich a nic -lookin' beast as she is, too. Why, that mare has been bought out of the stable not less'n three times acause she was such a gentle-lookin' lady's horse. Well, it's good for the doctors and waggon-makers, anyhow. Always staves up the family, and gets back into the team'n less than a week. Never was broke, she wasn't—and never will be till she falls off a house." FAT MACS'" ASSOCIATION.—The ninth annual clam- bake of the Fat Man's Association took place at Gregory's Point, Connecticut, on the 25th ult. Special conveyances of special strength had to be employed to take the guests to and from the shore where the bake" was held. William Perkins, the president of the association, weighing 3731bs., or nearly 27 stone, though he is only 26 years of age, was brought from Waterbury in a box car. Mr. Sherwood (320lbs.) was more studious of his dignity. He came from New Milford on four seats of a passenger car, having been Ikllfully got in and out of the car by a gang of plate- layers armed with crowbars levers, and screw-jacks. Prior to dinner the bar room of the hotel was rather trowded by great men, and no wonder. Therein Baby Murphy, weighing 303lbs., talked with Little Fisk, of 3371bs., and with the president and a couple of others. First they shook hands, then took two drinks; then they shook hands again and took another drink. Then the weighing for new members began, no one under 2001bs. being eligible. In point of numbers the "bake" was the grandest that had yet taken place. "The fat men," says one reporter (evidently at a loss for a simile), came clown to Gregoiy s Point like the hippopotami on the fold, and the sands trembled beneath their tread." Apart from visitors, there were about 100 members of the association present, or about twelve tons in all. Seat accommodation for the fat men was at the average rate of two ordinary seats tor one individual. Their trencher performance tended to show that such mountains of flesh require substan- tial sustenance. The bake proper was composed of 100 bushels of clams and oysters, 1000 ears of green corn, 10 barrel's of sweet potatoes, 300lbs. of blue fish, lOOlbs. of eels, and 350lbs. of lobsters, baked on hot stones under seaweed In addition, there was beef, mutton, ch'ckens (one hundred of the latter), and other subs,al,,ti,l IieT. The lager beer consumed amounted to 300 casks. After the feast was over a ton and a half of vice-presidents were elected for the eusning year. The edifying meeting was brought to a close, OvWly enough, bv a dance, The members were then carted away to their respective destinations, ad so ended the ninth and most successful annual gathering of I IA- Fat Man's Association. At an early hour on Saturday the body of a wmnan was discovered on the railway near Woolwich j n ht- fully mutilated. The body wns removed to ih- rJ (1- house, where it has been identified as that of 1\1 n't Mver. a widow, of Woolwich.

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