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New Series of 25 Short Tales.…



1 An Essay on Pants,


1 An Essay on Pants, A boy in a West Chester school sent in the following essay on Pants last .Friday :— Pants are made for men and not men for pants. When man pants for a woman and a woman pants for a man they are a pair of pants. Such pants don't last long. Pants are like molasses they are thiner m hot weather and thicker in cold. The man in the moon changes his pants during the eclipse. Don t you go to the pantry for pants; you may be mistaken men are often mistaken in pants; such mistakes make breeches of promise. There has been much discussion as to whether pants is singular or plural. Seems to us men wear pants they are plural, and when Ihey don t wear any pants it is singular. Men go on a tear in their pants and it is all right, but when the pants get on a little tear it is all wrong. The Wonderful Echo. Ab Mine. Arabelle's the conversation turned upon echoes, and a lady in the company declared that she knew of one that repeated a sound nine or ten times. "Pooh! that is nothing," said the marquis; I have an echo in my park that can beat yours into fits." Impossible said everybody m chorus. You can easily put it to the test if you like. Very well; we will step across to-morrow to hear for ourselves." • "Yes, come without fail, and so saying the marquis took his departure, meditating a little scheme of his own. On reaching his mansion he sent for his lackey, Sancho by name. You are up to all sorts of tricks, old chap. Do you think you could manage to play the part of aI1"eCertainly, my lord you have only to shout Ho Ho and I repeat the same. „ "Very well; to-morfrow afternoon you shall go and stand in that clump oftrees behind the lake and repeat thirty times any call that you may hear, gradually lowering your voice, but mind mum's the word!" Next day his lordship's friends came trooping into the park. Sanchowasat his post, pricking up his ears.' "Now, ladies and gentlemen, your doubts will soon be dissipated," said the marquis will you be the first to try the experiment, madame?" j "No, thanks, marquis; your ,oiée is louder and more effective for the purpose than mine. Whereupon the marquis inflated his lungs and called out at the top ot his voice Are you there V' To which the echo made answer, ^es< ?ny lord, I've been here a couple of hours (Curtain.) Remedy against Barbers. Barbers will talk. There is no help for that. Their jaws have to keep time with tne movement of the scissors. It is uot the mere talking that is annoying, but it is what they Bay, and their man- ner of saying it, that nearly drives a man crazy. If, for instance, a barber were only to make such remarks as, What a noble brow you have, or, Your dome of thought reminds one of Daniel Webster," or if they were to abuse some man you didn't like, the sitter would listen very compla- cently, and some bald-headed fpeople we know of would want to have the ends of their locks trimmed four or five times a week, just to hear what the confounded fool of a barber had to say. The trouble with barbers is that they do not say what you want to listen to. The barber will persist in discovering that your hair is falling oub, and there is nothing in heaven above, or on the earth below, that will arrest the fugitive hair, except a bottle of each particular barber s magic lotion. Another thing that worries the barber more than it troubles its legitimate owner is dandrun. As nine persons in ten have more or Jess dandrun in their heads, the barber has a fine field to work In, as it were. Dandruff is another dread malady that is hurrying the unfortunate man into his grave, unless he is willing to shell out a reluctant half dollar for a bottle of the same vile stuff that the aforesaid barber is willing to part with for the consideration above mentioned. As it is about the season of the year when most of the people have their hair mowed off, and as they will all have to go through the ordeal we have described, we propose to give our readers a few suggestions as to how to stand off the fiend. Of course, the eloquence of She barber cannot be closed off entirely, as gas is shut off, but the coloured barber can be temporarily discouraged. He will run his fingers through your hair and say Boss, I kin gib yer a remsdy for fifty cents what will knock dat af scurff in yer head cold." Then you say to the barber Look here, you have got one foot in the grave. Your liver is out of order. I can fell it by your complexion. Your complexion is too yellow. You had better get a bottle of Dr Pursrem's Liver Pills." He will be surprised, if not shocked. We tried that game on a barber, and his reproachful look will never be forgotten as long as memory holds her seat. Usually one application is sufficient, but occasionally he rallies towards the close of the matinee, his system reacts, and he says, timidly,— "Yer hasn't answered my question !yet, boss, about de magic loshun foe de scurff." All you have to do is- to ask him if he has read Dr. PhilkinsTreatiswon Ir)-droff;. He will reply he has not; Then you say, "Dr. Philkins is of the opinion thatdandrun is produced by activity of the brain. People who have torpid brains or no bruins at all are never troubled with dandruff. What you need is some dandruff. If you coloured folks had more dan- druff in your heads there would be more of you in Congress. If you don't quit curing white people's heads of dandruff their brains will dwindle away and they will set up barber shops, and then you will have more competition than you want." ,r This last dose will cure the barber of dandruff. falling out of the hair, nnd whatever else troubles him. After the above remedy has been applied, you can get your hair cut ten times a day, and he will never again venture to prescribe for de scurff in yer head. Try it. A Sooiety Romance. Miss Matilda Tucker lives on Madison-avenue, New York City. She is about twenty years of age and decidedly precocious in other words, a pronounced dudine. She is not fast precisely, but her forward manners are a great source of annoy- ance to her whole family. Mr Daniel Tucker, her father, who is one of the wealthiest but at the same time one of the most highly respected citizens of Gotham, has repeatedly rebuked her for her forward manners. She has one brother, Fred Tucker, a quiet, unassuming young man, against whom a breath of slander has never been whispered. MatildaTucker is under the delusion that all the representatives of the male sex fall in love with her on sight The cause of this hallucination is to be discovered in the fact that she is much addicted to reading society novels. One evening while the family were seated in the family sitting-room Fred Tucker took occasion to say: think, Matilda, you should be more circum- spect in your conduct. When you pass the club rooms on Fifth-avenue you should not stare at the old gentlemen who may be looking out of the window. If you keelf it up they will be afraid to come to to the windows to read the papers." Yes, you should be more Careful," said old Mr Tucker. Matilda tossed her head scornfully. Another thing," continued Fred, you should not stand at the church door staring and leering at the young men when they come out. Last Sunday I noticed that young Snobberley and several other young men blushed when you winked at them. If you keep this up, Matilda, no respectable young man will 4be seen walking with me on the street. If you have no respect for yourself you should have sotne- for the male mem- bers of the family* When once a young man gets talked about he is shunned by all high-toned people." Matilda made a face at her brother. And let me tell you that some of these days you will get yourself into trouble. Some young man will tell his wife or his big sister of your con- duct, and you will get a sound thrashing, as you deserve," continued Fred. Matilda yawned and retired to her room. I'll cure her of thab idea of her being such an attraction," said Fred, looking after his sister's retreating form. The next day Matilda received a billet doum written in a delicate mala hand. It was not signed, but the writer intinnated that he would do something rash if Matilda did not consent to elope with him. He would beat the corner of Fifth-avenue and Twenty-third-street with a carriage at five p.m. sharp. How romantic!" said Matilda to herself. Anybody can get married, but it is not every- body who has a chance to elope. And won't the papers be full of.it ?" Next day Matilda. was rather absent-minded. When one of her younger brothers asked her where Japan was situated* ah0 replied, On the corner of Fifth-avenue and Twenty-third-street." In answer to a question in history about the date of the downfall of the Roman Empire, she said, It occurred at five in the afternoon on the corner of-Fifbb-avenue and Twenty-tbird-street." Matilda was on hand at the appointed place anot time. A carriage with an elegant driver on the box dashed up. He opened the carriage. Lean- ing in a corner was a young tnán. He was ele- gantly dressed. A moment later Matilda was by his side and the coach drove dff rapidly. The young gentleman did not say anything but she could see for herself that he was very much em. barrassed, for he was blushing violently. I suppose you are a resident; of New York ?" whispered Matilda, giving him a, fond look. He did not reply. Matilda took one of his hands in her own gloved fingers. He did not resist. Encouraged by this she squeezed it gently. ) Where did you first sea me, dearesb r) she whispered, putting her arm gently around his waist, like a Congressman from Kentucky, Still be did not replyi <' Poor fellow, are you really so, bashful ?" she murmured. r, All at once the carriage stopped, Matilda did not perceive that she was in front of the family residence. The driver opened the door of the vehiole. He removed his side, whiskers, It was her own brother Fred; Hesatd "Matilda, youhad better go tip to your own room while I drive around to the 33den Musee and return this wax figure which I borrowed for the occasion." i—



















Eisteddfod at Fern-d" le.…