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FACEIM havp dpviJUfES Fi°R Tr*E ^IL.ITIA*—The non-resistance patty have devised a plan for cutting out the Minni6 Rifle. The tailors-whose zeal for the defence of their native land is uni- form-are to form throughout the country, corps of sharp- shooters, who will be armed with the Needle Gun. The ball of this terrific weapon is to be of cotton, and the needle gun is to be charged with a thimble. Should the French invade us, Our heroes, arising on every side from their shopboards, will march upon them with the goose step, determined either to new their foes up with cotton, or to be themselves worsted in the attempt This mode of providing for the national safety has been devised by the advocates of non-resistance, in order to carry out their wise and magnanimous views on the principle of "a stich in time. Pitneh. THE EARL OF DERBY'S DIGGINGS.—Various important re- flections are suggested by the statement of Lord Derby, in his speech at Goldsmith's Hall, that be had discovered a British mine, yielding abundance of gold in the form of statesmen. The first is a familiar proverb, which may be illustrated by the re- mark that what pretends to be gold, turns out sometimes to be brass. Some may think that the Premier has rather disco- vered a. mare's nest-or the nest of another quadruped-than a gold mine. Among the officers of state there is a gold stick but we have yet to learn whether or not the Derby cabinet is simply composed of sticks of an ordinary kind. Perhaps his lordship has discovered the philosopher's stone, and has thus been enabled to convert certain leaden ore into a field of pre- cious metal; and, if country gentlemea may be regarded as pigs of lead, he may be considered to have driven his pigs to a pretty market; at least the pigs themselves will th nk so, should that market turn out to be Free Trde. The noble earl's alacrity at turning things to gold reminds us of Midas, and the resemblance may perhaps be thought to be completed by the style of jokes that he has got lately into the habit of making after dinner. We agur favorably from this disposition to jocu- larity. ft promises that his lordship will become aFree Trader perceiving Protection to be no joke. At least he will see that JAZZ'S MnZ Z 0(k™»ment°1,5tl £ 0''i- JSX 'Zmss&sr„ PUN UPON DUN.—On Sir James Eyre admonishing a natient upon one occasion for his supposed habit of eating too fast and telling him that bolting" the food was a bar"' to diges- tion, he said, You speak ironically.' doctor A bookselling friend in Rome had in his warehouse many eopies of a work which was unnecessarily prolix, and he said get throSU2li it !USC M & ^"ieade,as no man living could ever A traveller on a journey having lost his way, observing a herd boy lying on the grass, asked-" Which is the way to ?" AO which the reply was given by the boy merely lifting up one Of his legs, and saying-, '< That way!" « Well," exclaimed the m. i £ 'ir?Ck Zhh the 8ingular laziness of the boy, « show 41 Weel th *kan that, and I'll give you half-a-crown." into mr pouch!" Was the reply. told of many lea^iT fol.lo.wulS anecdote, which has been told of many learned men, originated with the painter Barrett. .His only pets were a cat and a kitten, its progeny A friend ™rZeTp mid8, Xh6 ,u0tt0nQ door, Sed him for what purpose he made them three. Barrett said it was for his cats to go in and out.^ repljed his friend, would not one do for both You silly man, answered the painter, how could the big cat get into the litle hole?" "But," said his friend, "could not the little one go through the big hole?" thaf Bald Barrett' 80 she could' but 1 never thought of WELL MANAGBD.-A:well-known:manager, whose:name need not be given, was put to his wit's end, by the receipt of a letter from his principal Tenor, to the effect that he would not sing that evening, unless the previous week's salary were paid in- stanter. The exchequer was empty. However, about five in the evening, a messenger brought post haste, to the singer, a note, enclosing a cheque for £ 20. It was just after banking flours, and just in time to save the evening's performance. The singer, restored to good humour, appeared, and went through his part as usual; and, presenting the cheque at the bankers next morning, found- no effects,—Cocks'Murical Mhcellany.

Newport Town Council Meeting.


Funeral of the late Rev- D.…