Weekly Mail

The particular and important feature of Benger's Food is that it can be v prepared to suit any degree or digestive power. It contains in itself the natural digestive prin- ciples which act during the cooling process just before it is finally heated for serv- ing. As the weak stomach of babe or invalid begins to strengthen by the assimilation of the a ssimi I Food, a gradually increasing amount of digestive work can be left to it, thus giving the advantage of a regulated exercise of the digestive functions. T Retained when | all other foods are rejected." t ( rejected." >

Ulrica. I hope you will stay to tea. now, and come often," he said with real enthu- siasm. "As often as you can." Lady Ormatork locked, deeply grateful, indeed, as though a load of ungratified long- ing had been lifted from her shoulders, while Miss Buffkin seemed, from one cause or another, highly amused. "Thank you, Lord Quorn, it is most kind," Lady Ormstork replied gushingly. "I shall revel in re-visiting the dear old haunts. I warn you I shall take you at your word, and come very, very often." Can't come too often," Ga-ge assured her gaily. Hope Miss Buffkin will come, too. You mustn't leave her moping in Great Bun- bury. We'll try to get up some fun for her out here." Lady Ormstork had no intention of leaving the profitable Ulrica, behind, and she inti- mated as much. Miss Buffkin, on her part, seemed to find more than a trnns-itory amusement in the effect she had produced upon the men. Perhaps yon would like a turn before tea and look round the gardens," Gage sug- gested, nudging his friend. Rather unitidy, but we are going to make them trim directly." "Oh, I should dearly love to Fee them as they are," the wily old peeress assured him. "Untidiness lends itself to romance, does it not ?" I daresay it does," responded Gage, "and get", an interest out of it." Lady Ormstork was too busy manoeuvring to get hold of Peckover to notice the joke. Her game was to throw the new Lord Ouorn and the fair Ulrica together, with ulti- mate profit to herself. Peckover, it may be stated, wa-s not wildly interested in the. dowager peeress. Not qu):e tl3 ki,ng in the situation, he had anticipated that she would hang on to Gage, leaving Miss Buffkin in his willing charge. But the whole sense of the m,ec,tin.g was against him. Between the grasping old lady and the repu- diating Gage he had no chance. Go on!" commanded his friend in a peremptory whisper, pushing him towards the -peeress. "D::m't you love a winter garden?" that astute dowager inquired sweetly as she annexed him, and then, without waiting for his predilections on the horticultural ques- tion, proceeded to arrange for "dear Ulrica" to be personally conducted by Gage. There was no help for it, and Peckover resigned himself to the tolerance of aristocratic age and presumed inanity. I can't tell you," Lady Ormstork observed in the cooing tone with whidh she smoothed over her design, how delighted I am to make the acquaintance of yi>ur friend, the new Lord Qutorn, and to re-visit d-ea,r o'd Staplewick. What a charming fellow he seems." "Oh, yes: he's a. slice of all right," Peek- over agreed, wondering whence the lady bad formed that conclusion, since Gage's be- haviour had hitherto ~hown more signs of being charmed than charming. "He has," declared Lady Orm stock, t«he family likeness. ParticailArly the noee. I saw the Quorn nose at once." This was a somewhat trying statement for Pee.kover, but he xnanfuiMy repressed all evi- dence of Agitation. "Yes," he assented, "he's got the nose all right, and a bit of the Qucm Up, I'm thinking." Looking round, as it were, to verify the comparison, Lady Ormstork was pleased to see the lagging pair in cloee and snimated conversation. Yes, he reminds me of the hit,- peer, par- ticularly when be smi!es," she d-eclarcd with boldness, considering that ehe had never set eyes on a Lord Quorn in her Ufe. nor been, until a week before, "ithin fifty miles of Staplewick. O'h. d'oes he?" responded Peckover in- differently, as he suppressed a yawn. It will be so, nice to come over here often," puTeaed I/ady Ormstork, ignoring her preoccupation. "So delightful for my dear yoaing 'friend, Miss Buffkin. Naturally, to a high spirited gdrl Great Bun- bury is a little dull." I Fhoirl-d think it would be," Peckover res ponded. Yes," said the lady with a. little sigh of T^lipf, and so it will be such a pleasant change for her to have. so to speaik, the run of this lovely park." I'nt sure," Ppckovcr said with empihaeis, "Lord Quorn will be delighted for Mies Buff- kin to oome here all day and every day." How good of him," exclaimed Lady Orm- stork, greedily accepting the suggestion. And I shall enjoy it, too, more than I can express." Peckover was silent, as he fell gloomily to wondering whether his desirable lot would be to entertain this sua-re old lady while his friend flirted with the fair and lively Ulrica. My youmg friend," proceeded Lady Orm- stork, Ms a really charming girl—what a superb Wellingtonia! Yes, I see a great deal of her. Her father is not able to take her a.bout. and so she has become almost like I my own daughter." "Except that she doesn't exactly take aifter you in looks," thought Peckover, but he merely bowed acceptance of her statement. You see, her position is quite enviable," the lady continued in her society voice and draiwl. As an only child she will be immensely rich. Indeed, Ulrica. has her separate fortune now. I'm sure I may con- fide in you, Mr.—" Gage," Peckover supplied alertly. Mr. Gage. Not one of the Shropshire Gages ?" Not that I know of," he replied, beating down a sporting instinct to oMm kindtred with that higihly respectable, if rural, family. Ah! Some of the Worcestershire branch, the Lovfl-Gagee, were my greatest friends," said Lady Ormstwrk, regretfully reminiscent. You don't come from Worcestershire." Not straight," he answered. Lady Ormstork laughed, as she always did when there was the possibility of a joke being intended. "Well, my dear Mr. Gage, I may tell you in confidence, as 1 feel we are goin g to be very good friends, that one of the reasons I brought dear Ulrioa down to this quiet place was to be out of the way of cerr toain fortune hunters who were pursuing her with their attentions." I don't wonder," responded Peokover, with a touch of enthusiasm. No," the lady agreed. Apart from her I immense fortune, she is adoralble. So band- some! and so clever!" "Yes, she's all that," said Peckover, en- viously thinking of what a good time his friend was having, and regretting for the first time that he had let the title go. "One person in particular," pursued the dowager, has given me great anxiety. A Spanish d'uke, of undeniable family, a Grandee of Spain, and all that sort of thing, don't you know, but very poor, and conse- quently most persistent. You know what these foreigners are." Eather." Pec.kover asftrred her in a tone which implied an intimate acquaintance with the procedure of Spanish Grandees, rich and poor. "Of course," the lady continued, "—oih, how pretty that peep is!—of course, a,n alli- ance with Ulrica would set him, the duke, on his feet again. It would enable him to resume his position and live on his estaItes like a prince." Get a new hat to wear in the royafl pre- sence," added Peckover, remembering that attribute of Spanish Grandees which he had read of in the interesting items" column of a weekly paper. He is, I believe, devotedly in love wi-th Ulrica, apart from her fortune," contimued his comptaTMon. And, of course, from the point of view of mere rank and grandeur, the alliance would have been quite desirable. But, after all, an English girl should marry an Enu1!ishma.n, that is my feeling and the wish of Ulrica's father; and so we have come down here to let the storm of the Duke de Salolja's passion blow itself cut." I see," said Peckover thoughtfully, won- dering how much bf the storm was true, since his last habit of mind was naturally now prone to suspicion and to look askance at unwarranted confidences.

CHAPTER XXVn. Well, Percy, my boy, what do yoti tot them up to come to?" inquired Gage jovially, as they turned from an impressive adieu to their guests, who drove off radiant-at least, as fa.r as Lady Ormstork was cdneernld-a-t the success of their visit. Titey're all right," Peckover answered somewhat gloomily. Considering the poor time he had had as the medium through which the wily peeress desired to convey certain information to his friend he oould scarcely be expccted to emulate that gentle- man's enthusiasm. "Right? I should think so," G-a.e-e ex- claimed with emphasis. "The girl is simply scrumptious." I daresay," Peckover returned, with a jealous twinge. "Rather different from our friends at the Moa.t, eh?" Slightly. There's no comparison. She's a real beauty, and full of fun." Oh. you found that out, did you?" Peck- aver observed curiously. Ratlier. This is the sort of Lord Quorn I'm paying for." She has a lot of money," said Peokover. "How do you know ?" "The old lady-bird told me so. Confiden- tial old party. Good as admitted they had come down here to have a dash at you." Me?" cried Gage, much interested. "Your title. Or, rather, mine," his friend declared sombrely, so dismally, indeed, that Ga.ge said— Come, you are not going to repent? This is whiat I paid for. I told you so at the out- set." "Oh, yes," Peckover agreed. "It's fair enoOugh," and, with the image of Miss Buff- kin's commanding beauty in his heart, he darkly resolved to try whether some of her smiles might not in future be for him. Lady Ormstork was, as might have been confidently anticipated, as good as her word. Almost every day she brought the fair Mips Buffkin to Staplewick, and on those that were missed the two friends contrived to find an excuse for calling at Cracknels, as the villa, built by a retired biscuit baker, was named. The, game was not a very pleasant one for Peckover, seeing that in it the dowager was invariably his partner; nevertheless, he continued to stick to it' doggedly in the hope that his opportunity for makin,g running with the captivating Ulrica would surely come. Accordingly he disguised his feelings and the alertness with which he waited for ap opening to assert his powers of fascination, making himsolf the while as agreeable and attentive to the astutely meande-ring jieeress as the nature of her society talk permitted. Lord Quorn and dear Ulrica seem to have taken quite a fancy to one another," she remarked one afternoon, tactfully lead- ing the way so as to .give a wide berth to a plantation of rhododendrons, in the midst of which she had reason to suspect the other pair of promenaders was lingering. Don't you think so, Mr. Gage?" Looks like it," answered Peckover with a sardonic curl of the lip. You are his great friend. He would naturally, connde in yon," observed the lady with a pointed invitation to betray the said confidence. Oh, yes. He is 'very far gone," was the somewhat ill-humoured reply. "No need for him to mention it so long as I retain my eyesight." I am inclined to tVink," Lady prmstork observed meditatively, "that the alliance would not be at all a bnd thing." "No?" Peckover, smarting under his con- federate's good fortune, would not commit himself to an opinion. Don't you think so?" the dowager asked suavely. I don't blame old Quorn," Peckover re- plied rather crudely. "As to whether Ul- Miss Buffkin might not do better is a matter of opinion." Possibly she might, or she might do worse," was the sage response. After a-11, Quorn is a charming fellow." Oh, yes," his friend assented in a tone so warped that it seemed to signify, "Oh, no." It's a fine old title," said the lady reflec- tively. "Title's all right," he agreed equivocally. "Ulrica, say you're a little fond of me!" Undeniable," Lady Ormstork maintained. "But, of course, my dear Mr. Gage, you understand that advantage would weigh nothing with me if Quorn, were not genuinely fond of Ulrica." Jtfst so," responded Peckover with a. wink at a. passing swallow. Naturally," she pursued, "you will see mv position is a somewhat delicate one. It is on that account, my dear Mr. Gage, that I make no scruple in asking you, a clever man of the world-if I may call you eo-" "Oh, don't mention it," he replied glibly. "I'm asking you not to let me be in the dark as to your friend's real feelings and intentions. For if I were sure that Quorn had no idea of proposing I should consider it my duty to take Ulrica away from here at once." He has not expressed any such intention to me," Peckover replied, brightening a little. But, surely, you think he will, he must?" demanded the lady anxiously. Yes, he should by rights," Peckover agreed. But he may not be a marrying man." Lady Ormstork looked scandalised. Every man is a marrying man when he meets a •girl like Ulrica. Besides, it is the duty of every peer to marry, OT what will become of our old nobility? Heaven only knows to whom, as matters stand, the Quorn title will I go next." Peckover had an idea that he could claim to share the knowledge. He ought to come to a firm offer if he means business," he said. "Our time here is getting short," Lady Ormstork declared significantly. Not but what she was prepared to grace Great Bun- bury with her presence for a twelvemonth if that were likely to bring off the match. "As Ulrica's temporary guardian I cannot allow Q,uorn to flirt with her indefinitely if he has no intention of proposing." No," Peckover responded promptly, won- dering how he could get a. look in. Then a happy idea struck him. Quorn is a Shilly- shallying fellow," he said guilefully. "Can't make up his mind. I usually have to do it for him." I wish you would in this instance," the lady exclaimed fervently. Well, I think I might," he replied with sudden animation. But, of course, it won't do for me to tell him straight he ought to propose. He'd see you working the figure. No, I've got a more artful plan than that." "Oh, you dear Mr. G..agio!" cried Lady Ormstork. brightening at the prospect of an end to her uninteresting sojourn at Crack- nels. Do tell me." Easy enough," said Peckover, sparkling likewise, "and highly effective. One trial will prove it, or money returned. Make him jealous." How can we?" asked the dowager with a dubiousness which her companion did not find altogether complimentary. Leave it to me," he replied, his sparkle subsiding to a touch of huffiness. "Don't you think I'm equal to it?" Oli, yes, indeed, dear Mr. Gage," the lady drawled, eyeing him still rather doubtfully. Don't you make any mistake about it," he protested severely. "I- always was first favourite with the ladies, and Quorn knows it—to his cost, I may tell you." "And you are still friends?" was the astute comment. Sworn friends," Peckover replied with much truth. "I'll prove it by making up his mind for him to marry the finest girl in England." "And what is your plan?" Lady Ormstork inquired approvingly. Rapidly the alert little mind had blacked in the outline of hi3 scheme. Let me ipake the running for a lap or two," he suggested. If that doesn't hurry him up, nothing will, You come tip as usual to-morrow; I'll slips away from Quorn, meet you, and go off for a stroll with Miss Ulrica. You come on to the hall. Tell Quorn off-hand, when he asks, what has become of the young lady. Say she thought she'd prefer a stroll with me for a change, and if he sits still after that it's odds against Hiss Bufiisin being Lady Quorn. You watch the effect." Lady Ortnetork looked as though she might be safely trusted, to keep her eyes open tor fit. open for fit. Next day things ba,ppened as had been arranged. Peckover made a timely deser- tion, and Lady Ormstork arrived at the Towers dignified and alone. Not brought Miss Buffkin to-day?" Gage asked, trying to look as though he had still got the better half of the Cracknels estab- lishment. "Hope she's not ill?" Ch, dear, no," Lady Ormstcrk answered sweetly. She is here. But we met your charming friend, Mr. Gage, ju?t by the lodge gates, and dear Ulrica said she had been cramped up in the fly long enough, so she got out to stroll up through the pivrk." Gage evidently experienced some difficulty in looking as pleased as a hest should at the idea of his guest doing what pleases her best. I see," he said, ran easily reflective. Shall we walk back and meet them ? It's a lovely day." So Ulrica thought," the aat-utely suave lady responded. And the park looked so •tempting. Yes, a short stroll would be delightful." Accordingly they made their way down the drive at a pace which, set by th-e deliberate old peeress, ill-accoixled with Gage's impa- tience. Naturally, Peckover had foreseen this move, and had proposed a circuitous and covert rouite to the house. Ulrica, quite privy to the scheme, offered no objection. Stem's rather hot," Peckover observed when the carriage with its guilef-u-l occupant had rolled away from them. .Let's keep under the trepfl." Ulrica la-ughcd, and took without comment the pa-th he indicated.

CHAPTER XXVin. "This is a real pleasure to me," Peek over remarked, determined to get on flirting terms without wasting precious time in pre- liminary small talk. "This lovely day?" Ulrica responded, with an obvious pretence of misunderstanding his drift. "Yes. it is quite a treat." I mea.nt," he purswd, with a stimulating glance at the frcr^h, pretty face, highly provocative now with a roguish .smile, "a walk with you. I've been longing for this moment ever eince I first set eyes on yon." Her glance of an;used surprise suggested that she thought he was plunging in medias res with a vengeance. Clearly," she com- mented, "patience is one of your virtues." "I don't know about patience," he replied. "If I've waited a long time for my chance, it has not been exactly patience, but because I couldn't get it sooner." Everything comes to him who waits," Ulrica observed with a careless laugh, to sihow she lvlas not taking him too seriously. I hope you don't mind the change?" he suggested. "In the weather?" she asked mischievously. "Bother the weather! No. From Quorn to me." That remains to be seen," She answered. So far, I have no objection to it." Same here.. Lady Ormstork is a proper old grandee, J)out-wen, naturally she's not exactly my idea of an afternoon's fun." "I daresay not." Ulrica said drily. Now, you are," he declared boldly. She ignored the compliment, together with the amorout; look which accompanied it. "I have oftened wondered how you and dea.r i old Ormstork were getting on," she re- Sedof^h-lf- hlandness. "One For n curious matches nowadays." the drtf+1D?nent p«°kOTer hardly realised dead Wh the :pemafi- Th«i he stopped easned » y"ou don 1 m,ean to say," he the old gal?" t'hou&ht 1 Wae making love to dfirJ00-^ intew'ely am'n«id at his face of in? f^r >, dy 0rm"t<>rk is not bad look- L age'" ehe 8USSested wickedly. "T ri admit she is rather handsome." I daresay," he returned, not certain how to rn.fi. Was in "It never occurred to me to take stock of her." tinea kept her countenance steady, but ner eyea were dancing. "Then your devo- tion was purely Platonic?" ftbe ohservod. ,may w'hat Ton like," he re- TKied, playing for safety. "As I wasn't talking any." Ali, then, I suppose it was devot,ion to your friend, Lord Quorn," she pursued, the c, ™ers of her mouth twitching with mis- olue! Of course. He sa ved your life, i n lie. And you—yes; how generous of you. "Oh, bother my life," Peckover exclaimed with an impatient laugh. They had covered a good deal of ground without getting on very far towards the end he had in view, ■nnrt any moment now Quorn might run them down. • "I expect poor old Quorn is feeling rathex sick by now," he remarked pointedly, "at your giving him the slip and going off with me. "You don't think b-e'U be jealous?" she asked with a laugh. "( Shouldn't be surprised." "There is no real reason why he should be," she said. Nor no reason why he shouldn't be—if you like," he rejoined insinuatingly. I don't understand you, Mr. Gage," she said, looking ^t the same time as though she understood him very well. If you liked me half as well as I like you," he explained bluntly, under the com- pelling spur of her charms. You think it would matter to Lord Quorn?" You ought to know best," he returned. I know it would matter a lot to me. The question is, which do you prefer?" "Oh, his lordship, of course," 6he answered mockingly. "Because lie is & lord?" Naturally." I see," said Peokover, oatching her tone. Is that your own original idea or Lady Ormstork's ?" It is certainly Lady Ormsitork's," was the evasive answer. But not yours. Net altogether," he urged wickedly. You might have room in your heart far a little fondness for me?" She lauighitd. Why should I." It would be such a treat," he pleaded. You are very, what Lady Ormstork calls, ■unconventional," she said quizzingly. "Does that mean nice?" It may." You can't tell unless you give a fellow a chance," he said amorously, as his arm, extended behind her, somewhat unneces- sarily, to put aside a bough, remained there. "Ulrica!" he murmured. "Mr. Gage!" Pere. ival-Pere(y," he suggested with em- presseroent. Ulrica, time's short, so don't let's quibble about trifles. You're the love- liest girl I're ever set eyes on," he continued with glib passion, and I'm desperately in love with you. I've been dying to tell you so all the time, but never could till this blec,sed chance came along. Ulrica, say you're a little fond of me in return." "Mr. Gage!" Ulrica's expression was com- pounded of indignation, scorn, and amuse- ment. But, perhaps, the last was the only sentiment that was genuine. It is not neceissary," she protested, "to overdo the part like this." "The part?" Lady Orm stork's little cheime," she said coolly. You need not take the trouble to make it quite so life-like." Oh, it's 110 trouble," he assured her promptly. It is a pleasure." I understood," she observed laughingly, that the idea was to put it into Quorn's head that he ought to be jealous." "That's it," Peckover replied readily. "And I'm doing my very beet to give him cause for jealousy." It is very spirited of you," she said, with her provocative, mischievous twinkle. "But you need not act quite so hard, need you? At any rate, till he sees us. He made a wry face. Not much fun in waiting till he sees us. It occurs to me this is a little game it pays to play in earnest. That is," he added pointedly, "if both parties are agreeable." Ah, that's the question," she eaid tan- taJasingly. Won't you answer it?" he asked instoraatr ingly. "H'm; I rather like you," she admitted. You are breezy." Thanks," he replied. Then I ought to be in request on a warm day like this." Lord Quorn," she said with provoking irresponsiveness, "is breezy. But with him it blows from a rather different quarter. And he is apt to be a little gusty." Ah, yos. Daresay he would be," Peckover ¡ agreed, re-oaNing certain squally passages in their intercourse. Well, after all, a change of air ought to be grateful. Does you good." Ulrica larughed. "With the wind chopping about there is likely to be a storm coming. "Is there?" he returned. "Then let us take advantage of the fine weather while it lasts." (To be continued.)

LAUGH &GROW FAT 4 HUMOROUS PARS FROM EVERYWHERE. The Pastor (somewhat severely): You drive your motor on Sunday, don't you? Timirl Parishioner: Y-yes; but I never run over any one on that day. He: "Can you play the 'Maiden's Prayer' ?" She: "Oh, yes! That's why we had to move out of our last flat!" "And shall I speak to your father, my darling?" YeF; but if you want, every one to know about it right a.way you'd better speak to mamma." Laura: Charlie moist be very devoted, for he always seemis to be bobbing up like a cork in your vicinity. Nonie: Yes, but he's not the right sort of a cork or he would pop. Materfamilias: John, the baby's swallowed a threepenny-bit. Paterfamilias: Oh, well, it won't hurt him. "I was mistaken, John. It was a sovereign." "Heavens! Send for the doctor, quick t" Mrs Oobwigger: I have been bothering my head about- what I shall get you for your birthday, John. Gobwigger: Why not take tha.t box of cfigra-re you gave me last year, and give them to me over Rga.in? Conductor: Did you see the man with the child? Driver: No. Conductor: He's the proudest father I erer met. Insisted on paying full fa.re for the eix-uionthe'-old boy. He: Why was Solomon the wisest man in the world ? She: Because he had so many wivee to advise him. He collapsed. Mrs. Primpas; Before we were married, John, you said you would anticipate my every wish, and now you won't buy me a new bicycle. Primpas: Well, I did anticipate your wish, bOit. I did not promise to satisfy it. Hojack: Did you have a merry Christmas ? Tomdiff: I did indeed, old man. My wife made me three or four presents with her own fair fiuccre, and I knew what each separate article was intended for without once asking her. What do you think of that? Hojack: Incrcdible Musio Teacher (to pupil with a somewhat uneducated mother): "Pause here." Mrs. Suddenwealth (the mother): "Mary, get your hat immejitly; I ain t paytin to have no woman learn my darter who hain't got no better bringin'-up than to call hamde paws!" "It will kill me!" The funeral services had been interrupted by a violent thunderstorm, and sympathetic relatives were, assisting the weeping widow back to the carriage. "After spending £:l1J on a crepe dress for Jim, to have it ruined like this. I almost wish he hadn't died." And you asked her father for her hand?" Yes." Was he violent ?" Very. He said I must be a.n idiot to think of such a thing." "What didl you reply?" I told him that, of course, he knew his own family better than I did, but that I was willing to take my chanoes." When I was in Paris," said a certain noble lord, "I had a dancing-master to whose instruction I did small oredit. The man was very civil, and, on taking leave of him. I asked him if I could be of any service to him in London. Yes, milor,' said he, bowing, I should take it as a particular favour if your lordship would never tell any one of whom you have learned to dance." A lady teacher in one of the board schools, who wore her hair frizzed, while taking the reading lesson, came upon the word "adorn," and, to test the intelligence of the class, she interposed in the reading and asked: "What would I do if I wished to adorn my hair?" "Pit ile on't," was the immediate reply of a very small boy. A well-dressed man entered a florist's shop the other day, and said he wanted some flowers to take home. He was evidently taper- ing off a spree, and the flowers apparently were intended as a domestio peace-offering. The florist picked out a dozen chrysanthe- mums. and the caller started to leave. At the door he hesitated. "Say." he said, thickly, "whatsh these flowersh." "Chrysanthemu IDf!. The customer shook his bead. "Getter have something easier," he said. "Better gim-me a dozen pinks." "Now, Eliza dear, listen to me and pay attention, for on the few words I have to say mav depend your future happiness." "Yes. ma." "When Henry comes this evening, and you pass him the pie watch his countenance closejy." "Yes, ma." "If he trembles with joy, ask him how he likes your cookery; but if he shudders just mention casually that your mother always attends to the pastry." "Oh, ma, how kind of you!" "Don't mention it. He will hate me; bat, when I live with you after marriage, all will be explained." At an examination of a boys' school the inspector asked: "What is a pilgrim?" After a pause, a sturdy little fellow answered boldly: "A pilgrim is a man, ple'eir." "A man!" returned the inspector severely. "Tha.t won t do. Tell me more about a pilgrim." Another pause, broken by the examiner this time. "I am a man, you know," he said rashly. "Am I pilgrim?" Here followed no pause, but the prompt rejoinder: "Oh, no, sir--e. pilgrim's a good mail, sir." Mr. and Mrs. Prodigalson had been married just six months. She was prudent and prac- tical, while he was extravagant and theo- retical in everything except the art of wasting money. Consequently, she con- tinually chided him on his excessive extrava- gance, making a simoom of the honeymoon. "Now, don't be a goose," she said, with a eweet smile. una.ul! You're the goose!" he retorted. "You do nothing but cackle, cackle, cackle all the time about economy." "Yes, dear, I know it," she replied, resignedly, "but you must not forget that the cackling of geese once saved the oapitol of Rome, and if cackling can save your capital I'm going to keep on cackling." And she did, to an extent never known in the luxurious empire of Bome. PLAY ON THE SLATE. Pat had a long-standing account on the slate at the Blue Pig." The other night he was imbibing at this inn, when there arose the cry of Fire!" The engines were not long in turning up, amd the firemen com- menced operations, while Pat, who was very excited, could be heard shouting, For 'ivin's sake, me daylints, play on the elate." VALUABLE, INDEED. A fireman came gasping and panting from the burning building, his beard and eye- brows singed in the flames. Under one arm he carried a small but heavy box, which he deposited in a place of safety with the air of a ma.n who had saved a box of Government bonds from destruction. I've saved something valuable, from the feel of it," he exclaimed proudly. But, alas! on opening the box it was found to contain six boxes of a new patent fire- extinguisher!

í Otm i I SHORT STORY. | X '—* x | PROPOSING FOR POLLY. | Her name was Potwattle, Polly Potwattle I loved her madly; I hoped she loved me— but of that I was not so sure. She was divine; at least, I thought so, and I know my hated rival, Jack Maudle, was of a similar opinion. She had a father, and, ala.s! 6 mother, to say nothing of her brother, Peter, who bad a pleasing habit of borrowing half- crowns and promptly forgetting to re-pay them. I did not mind this very much, as I thought the pleasure of seeing her was worth half-a-crown every time, but it got mono- tonous—I mean the half-crown borrowing. My rival had been going it heavily lately. taking her (my Polly) to concerts, Sunday- school treats, and those sort of things, until I felt bad—desperate, verging on insanity. Something must be done, and at once. I must take decisive action. I must outwit my Tival. I must, must! I must propose. Yes, that's it. I must propose to-morrow. Ah! Yes. I am decided. I must propose to- morrow, but how—how shall I address my loved one? Shall I speak to her myself, or shall I let the penny post do it for me? And yet it seems a cold-blooded way to determine such a warm question. Ah! I have it; poetry —poetry. Oh, shades of Silas Wegg, cast thy mantle round me—cast, I say, thy mantle ot inspiration around my unworthy shoulders, and let me address my adored, my divine, and angelic Polly Potwattle in thine own glorious and immortal language. I got a. pen and some ink; I took off my coat, bathed my head, sat down a-nd com- menced My dear M-iss Potwattle, youH see By this note that I'm writing to thee. Um! not bad for a start. And I wish just to say, if you please, That I love you far better than Um! what's a rhyme to please, please, please? For the life of me I couldn't think of anything but cheese, and it would be but a poor compliment to say I loved her better than cheese, for I don't like cheese, and my brother doesn't like cheese, and, in fact, none of our family like cheese. No. that would not do at all. I got desperate. I thought of my hated rival, Maudle. I writhed in agony, beads of per- spiration broke out upon my brow, and a mighty anger filled my soul as I imagined him a.t that moment with my Polly, seeking to win her love by traducing my name. In a moment of inspiration I seized my pen, and dashed off the following: My dear Miss Potwattle, perha.pe you will see, On receiving this note that it is from me. I want just to say that I love you far better Than I can express in the space of this letter. I love you, my angel, far better than life. Will you be my darling, my own little wife? Should your love be engaged, my rival I'll throttle For daring to love my own Polly Potwattle. This was grand. This expressed my senti- ments to perfection. I went to bed, and in the morning concluded to go to the house, drop it in the letter-box, and then run awe.y. I shaved, but was so nervous that my face looked like a miniature battlefield when I had finished. I dressed myself very neatly and had no breakfast. Twas Saturday I went down to my plaoa of business, obtained a holiday, and then set off for her home—-the home of my Polly—my wife that was to be. I reached her frtreet. I could see Potwattle Lodge with its green railings, and then my heart failed me. Supposing some one were to open the door while I was doing the deed. Horror! I walked past the house. All was quiet. I walked past again, but my courage had not returned. For two mortal hours I did sentry business before the door of my adored one. At last in desperation I resolved to knock and make a formal call. 1 While knocking at the door I noticed that half-e-dozen of the green palings were broken, a.nd the flower-bed was ploughed up as if a small avalanche had been having a picnic in the garden, and then the door was opened by the servant. Upon seeing me she smdled, I don't know why, but she did. Not a pleasant smile, but one that partook of a sardonic nature. Is—er—Miss Fotwattle in?" "Did you say Mrs. Potwattle?" Yes—er—that is to say—er—no—I moe.alD Mr. Potwattle, but it doesn't matter, I will call again." Walk right inside, sir. Mr. Potwattle is in. sir. Kindly step into the drawing-room." I obeyed tremblingly, and when there a thought struck me—a brilliant thought. Why not trust, this humble hand-maiden with my precious note, ah! Why not? I looked a-t her. She smiled. I smiled. We both smiled. I found half-a-crown and my note, and asked her if ¡,¡he would execute the little commis- sion for me. She would. Again .'>he smiled, significantly this time, and then left the room laughing outright. Now, why should she be so merry? I looked Now. wby should she be so merry? I looked at myself in the glass. I was all right. No smut on my nose. Collar right. Tie straight. Everything in order. Then the door opened, and some one entered. Twas her brother, Peter. Ugh! more half-crowns! 'Ello, old boy! Glad to see yer, my pippin. Just gaing down to the club for 'alf- an-hour. Why. what's up? Yer do look glum. Lost anything on the Derby?" I replied that I was all right, and had lost nothing on t.he Derby. Glad ter 'ear it, 'cause I was just want- ing to borrow 'alf-a-crown for a day or two. Can you oblige me, old M6.P ?, I meekly handed him one, intimating at the same time that an IOU was unnecessary, as I had a small bundle at home. "Thanks, old man. But yer are looking seedy." To change the subject, I inquired the cauee of the broken paling and the ploughed flower- bed outside. Haw! haw! haw! Such a lark. Yer know Jack Maudle? Him as was such spoons on our Polly. Well, he came last night to pro- pose for her, and that's where the guv'nor kicked him off the top step—awful lark, wasn't it?" I replied that it was a most excruciating joke!" and smiled funereally. Well, ta-ta, old boy. I hear the mater coming—by-bye." When he had gone I sighed deeply. I felt warm, very warm, but before I could get any hotter, Mrs. Potwattle was .in tDe room. She would weigh, I should think, about 2001b. She hadn't got a right "H" in her constitution, a.nd invariably substituted a K for any word that usually ended with a "G." But what of that? She was her mother. The mother of my soul's adoration. Hers was the hand that had fed my adored one during infancy, and nursed her through the measles. What matter if her grammar was faulty, and her pronunciation execrable? She was her mother. Surely she could express her meaning in any manner she liked, so long as she made herself intelligible, and I oan tell you that she was an extremely plain- spoken woman, rather too plain-spoken, I thought, at timee; but, ha! ha! no matter, ahe is in the room. "Good mornink, Mr. Flockintop; and to what must 1 subscribe the honour of a visit at so early an hour of the mornink?" I remarked that it was a very fine day; and she replied that 'she was thankful to say she had heyes, and could see so much for herself." This was not encouraging, and I then ven- tured to remark that she "was looking well." Yes, I ham well." Whew! I was warm. How could I come to the object of my visit? I then ventured to hope that Miss Polly was well. Yes. she is well." And Mr. Potwattle?" Got the gout." At this time I was in euoh a state of fever that I began to think a certain place must be cool compared with me. At last, with the courage of despair, I opened the question. I have known Mise Potwattle a long time now." Hindeed!" "Yes, madam, and I have not failed to notice the variety of good graces with which she is endowed." "Ho, 'aven't you?" And the fact has also been forced upon my observation, madam, that your daughter would make 8, wife fit for an Emperor." "Lor! You don't say so? And now, Mr. Flockintop, is there hanythink you 'aven't noticed regardink my darter? Hif not, what may be your hintentions?" "My intentions, madam, are to offer myself as a suitor for your daughter's hand." "Ho! hindeed; and what place are you Hemperor hov?" I was forced to confess that at present I was without that dignity, but added that I was in receipt of £15() per annum. And my darter, sir, spends halmost as much as tha.t 'ereself." But madam, surely JE150 a year would keep your daughter and myself comfortably; besides, I have expectations." "Ho. you've hegspegtations, 'ave you?" I then mentioned that I had an uncle in a bad state of health, and as I was his favourite nephew I thought that it was highly pro- bably that my name would be found in his will. Ho, then all you 'ave to hoffer my darter is the paltry sum of jE150 and all your hegspegta.tions 'ang on a huncle with a diseased liver?" I intimated that such was the case, and Mrs. Potwattle then declared that" sooner than doom 'er darter to heternal misery such as I had presumed to hoffer er, she. would rather set 'er gettink cramps in 'er jints by sitting as a hartis' model for height- pence a. hour." I was pretty oool by tins time. Somehow this woman's cold-blooded calculations cast a damper on my spirits, but I fired up for a final effort. Madam, I a.m quite aware that at present l I cannot offer your Qaughter such a home as she now occupies, but I oan confidently assure • you, madam, that should I be fortnnatfl enough to gain that ajagel'e hand, nothing shall be wanting on my part to made her life one of peace, joy, and happiness. There is an old saying, the truth of which you cannot doubt, that what will keep one will keep two,' and if, after a trial, we find that such is not the case, I will willingly forego 1II3. share." Ho! and you'll live on hair, I suppose?" Madam, consider. Here are two heartJ bound together in the holy bonds of love: would yours be the hand to render them asunder? Oonsider, madam, you were young yourself—onoe." Sir! "Oh, yes; confound it all, but you nrnsfc have been." Hif it is your hintention to hinsnlt me. sir, Hi will ee-nd Mr. Potwattle to you." As soon as she had bounced out of the room. I sank down upon a chair in a state of abject exhaustion. I had hardly time to Tecover when I heard the step of a heavy boot, followed by the muffled sound of the gouty member-then. and not till then, did I fully realise my truly dangerous position: However, seizing the poker, and bracing my back firmly against the chimney-piece, I resolved to sell my life dearly. The ominous clang came nearer, and then Mr. Potwattle's ruddy face, followed by his body anit gout. protruded into the room. I hardly know what I expected, as I stood stiff as starch beside the fireplace, and before I saw him shadowy visions of pistols and. bowie-knives chased each other through my overwrought brain. When, however, he entered the room, and I saw his kind old face, and, despite the pain of the gout, the merry twinkle lurking about the corner of his eyes, I suddenly melted, dropped the poker with a crash, and hastened to place a couple of chairs for the reception of my adotred father. Well, Flockintop, my boy, what's all thia about, eh? Been having a. bout with the missis?" I remarked that I had unintentionally aroused Mrs. Potwattle's anger. "Ah, she's a bit put out just now. That scamp Maudle came here last night and wanted our PoUy, confound him! And, by gad, he got so abusive that I had to kick him out." I ventured to ask what Miss Polly thought of the occurrence. Oh, Polly? She, of course, didn't like on* of her admirers being hurt, and was rather down for a bit." My spirits fell about 50 degrees. "But she's all right now. It strikes me," he added, looking over my head, that ehe is rather partial to somebody else." My heart fell another 25 degrees. Som—somebody else?" I faltered. Aye, somebody else. There is alw&y* somebody else, and I rather like the chap myself." I groaned. Why what's the matter with the lad? LFb6. you young dog, why, confound you, what are you groaning at?" I shook my head dismally, and replied that at one time I had hoped to be favoured —blessed—with the hand of Miss Polly, but since there was a suitor whom the lady and her parents regarded favourably, I thought it time that I should. remove myself from Potwattle Lodge, and then I murmured something about going abroad, and burying myself in some secluded spot far from the haunts of men or woman; but before I could get to the part about a weloome but untimely grave, I was interrupted by a round oath from Mr. Potwattle. Why, confound the fool, what does he mean ?" "Eh!" t Why, you idiot, do you mean to say you don't know?" I again murmured: "Eh, don't know what?" Why, don t you know that you are the man ?" "What!" I shouted. "I?" Why, yes, you. Didn't you talk to the misc,is about marrying Polly?" Yes, but-" But what, confound the lad? You like Polly, and Polly likes you.' But Mrs. Potwattle?" Oh, never mind the missis, she likes you all right, only she's too put out to show it." I rushed over to him, kicked his gouty foot, and, grasping his hand, worked his arm up and down like a pump-hiandle, and began to talk about affection and my inability to make settlements. "SetMemeats! Bosh! What other settle- ments can a girl went than a fine young man? You leave the settlements to me." At this moment Mrs. Potwattle entered the room, expecting, I suppose, to find me in three pieces. After getting over her astonishment at see- ing us shaking hands so violently, we talked the matter over quietly, and. the conference ended by my receiving a smacking kiss from my angel's mother. When it was finally settled I suddenly remembered that my adored one knew nothing of all this. Supposing she refused me! And once again I grew miserable, and ventured to ask where Polly was. On hearing that she was in the back garden, I new upon the wings of love to find my heart's joy. I hurried down the garden path until I neared the arbour, and peeping through the boughs I there beheld my Polly. She was seated, pensively gazing at the roses hanging in clusters over the entrance, her hands folded in her lap, holding a letter, my letter. What a picture &he looked, her fair face framed in a mass of golden curls, her sweet blue eyes with a soft glad light in them such as I had never seen before, while the blush of roses crimsoned o'er her dimpled cheek. Soon she began to read, probably for the tenth time, my letter, and in a few momenta I discovered that as a poet I was a distinct success.

IS GREEN UNLUCKY P FASHION'S TILT AT SUPERSTITION. Is green unlucky? Many women are asking the question now that Dame Fashion has decreed that greens of all kinds are to take a prominent place amongst the many bewildering and beauti-, ful colours 04 the approaching autumn and' winter seasons. In West End shops greens are shown in every shade, from the palest eau-de-nil to the deepest emerald. "All theatrical people oondemn green as being unlucky eaid a London actress to a reporter recently. They dread a particular ookrar scheme of green to be in- cluded in the upholstery "of a scene, or to be introduced largely into the dresses. As for deliberately choosing green to Wear on the stage, they would not think of it." "A few ladies still object to green, think- ing it unlucky," said a West End draper. "but it is proved that superstition counts for nothing when fashion leads by the fact that we are selling as many green costumes and coats as of the same garments in browns and other shades."

MARRIED PEOPLE WOULD BE HAPPIER— If home trials were never told to neigh- bours. If they kissed and made up after every quarrel. If household expenses were proportioned to receipts. If they tried to be as agreeable as in court- ship days. If each would try and be a support ajid comfort to the other. If each remembered the other was a human, being and not an angel. If women were as kind to their husbands as they were to their lovers. If both parties remembered that they mar- ried for worse as well as better. If there were fewer "please, darlings," to public and more polite manners in private.

SKIN DISEASES OVERCOME BY THE WONDERFUL BLOOD PURIFYING PROPERTIES OF DR. MORSE'S INDIAN ROOT PILLS. A person suffering from eruptions of the skin has much to endure. It is not merely the discomfiture and irritation and painful sensation, but life is made miserable by depression of spirits. The liver is torpid and the kidneys are partially inopera- tive, and you feel languid and weak. The disease is in the blood and when the system is not clean- sed through the usual channels Nature asserts her. self and forces por. tions of the impuri- ties through the skin in the form of Pimples, Boijs, and Blotches. External remedies — powders, ointments and lotions only alleviate they do not get at the cause. Dr. Morse's Indian Root Pills get at the cause by removing the disease from the blood. They cleanse the system by stimulating the Liver and strengthening the Kidneys, which filter the blood and throw off the impure matter through the regular channels. They are a positive and permanent cure for aU complaints arising from impure blood, liver and kidney complaints. Sold by Chemists and Stores, price 1/11 per bottle, or The W. H. Comstock Co., Ltd., 21, Parringdon Avenue, London, B.C.