Weekly Mail

Teacher (to class in arithmetic) John goes marketing. He buys two and a quarter pounds of sugar 3d. a pound, two dozen eggs at a 2 I, shilling a dozen, and gallon and a half of milk at one shilling a gallon. What does it all make ? Smallest boy(hugging himself ecstati- cally) Custard. Mrs. Potts; When I was first married I thought it was solely for love that John had sought my hand, but I know better now. I am firmly convinced that it was my money be was after, Miss Spyte: Well, it must be con- siderable satisfaction to you to know that he is not such an idiot as you thought he was. Never say again that a newspaper writer is not a master of diplomacy. One of the fraternity was to write up the history of an old lady of 98. He was told she had never so much as learned her letters. Did he blurt it out in print? Not a bit of it. He merely stated in his finely written article that 11 she can read the finest print as well as she ever could,"

THE UNEMPLOYED IN EAST LONDON.-At a time when much thought is being given to this matter, a practical suggestion may be of service. Last year more than 2300,OW worth of foreign matches were purchased by Inconsiderateconsurners in (his country, to the great injury of our own working people-so true is it that Evil Is wrought by want of thought. as well as want of heart." If all consumers would purchase Bryant and May's matches that firm would be enabled to pay £ 1,000 a week more in wages. L0458 A WOHD TO MOTHERS. Kernick's Mother's Favorite" Teething Ponders fCmuUions. 4s. sod Z4,6d. jar bgs. poll

ATISH001 Good Morning! Have you had the Infl uenza ? (BY "PEN AND PENCIL") t he surveys." Atishoo a tishoo a tish oo. Now, ,z altogether, please; a long one and a strong one, A-TI-SH-00. That's good I How's your in- fluenza? This is the sneezing question of the day. "How's your liver my friends, is -» thing of the past since King In- fluenza has asserted his rights and pronounced himself "Monarch of all I It Everybody's suffering from influenza; everybody ought to be—'cos why ? It's fashionable. No household is complete with- out it. Nobody would like to be without it. We've got it all over our mansion, I'm glad to say. At the moment I write my cat is sneezing violently in front of the fire, thereby rusting the adjacent fender; our dog's got a fearful influenza cough the hens have got the influential croup, and all our chickens sneeze the moment they're hatched. Oh, yes; we never like to be out of a good' thing. The following doggrel will, I think, 11 1 explain my present condition. it it The Wail of the Times. I've got the influedza bad, I phiver id by clothes, So pleade dodt laugh at be bccaudo I'be speakid thro' by dose l'ds very awkward I ab sura To have such a dose-ender, I atishoo from born till dight All through the idfluedz*. The chebists hail it with delight, This frightfud idfluedzn, They sell so buch quidide each day- To theb its a God-sendsr The price of cambric's goi'g up, Our doses are so tender, That drapers bake a foitude and Retire od idfluedza. By wife has talked it frob be I laughed at first to tliidk, But dow she sneezes all dight A'd I can't sleep a widk, By trade is goi'g to the dogs, I've albost lost by head, sir, And all Cardiff is upset through This craze of Idfluedza. Newspapers dow their pages fill With nought bud Idflue :z i, And doctors rub their had's with glee It pays—this Idflucdzi. There's nothi'g else dow talked about Knt I by thugks will Lender When all the world with me cad say Good-bye, old Idfluedzi. There now; if you don't catch it after read- ing that you ought to.

HE WOULD BE AN ORNAMENT, TO BE SURE. The following letter has been received by the manager of a Cardiff Music flall:- Honourable Sir I am writing to you for an engagement hearing you have vncanceys for some singers I possess a very Exceedingly strong Voice and can change my Voice I Have sang in Public and can wistle, Wistle Exceedingly well. My ago is 18 this Birth Day I am Rather Stout Across the Chest and about 6 feet 4 Inches in Height and of a fresh complexlion and of a highly Respectable family. I should deen it as great favour if you Would Kindly take my ipplication in to considera- tion and Reply Per Post at your earliest con- venience. I am at your Services at Eny Moment And Salery shall Be no Concideralion. I am Honourable Sir yours Very Respectfully J- W-.

A NOVELIST'S LIBRARY. The library of the late Willcie Collins will soon be dispersed by Messrs. Puttick and Simpson, and there is to doubt that the sale will attract considerable attention (remarks our London correspondent). It is characteristic of this writer's exciting and complicated plots that many of his books are connected with the seamy side of human life. There are, however, none of those immense collections of newspaper cuttings which formed so much of the stock-in-trade of Mr. Charles lieade. It is rather surprising to find so few copies of first editions of Dickens. From the intimate connection, both personal and literary, that existed between the two novelists, it might have been expected that Mr. Collins would have been rich in these much-praised treasures. They have, perhaps, been retained by the writer's daughters or have been disposed of to enrich the collection of an American millionaire, v

MR. LAWSON, M.P. Mr. Lawson (says our London correspon- dent) is scarcely 30 years of age yet, but he 1 is rapidly pushing his way as a publio man. At Oxford he was a frequent speaker at the Union Debating Club, and took great interest in the welfare of that institution. He held, I think, at one time the proud office of librarianship, which generally leads to the presidency. But Mr, Lawson was rather overshadowed in his day at college by several much better speakers, both Con- servative and Liberal. Since then he has undoubtedly made up a good deal for any ground which he had to yield to his Oxford contemporaries. He has plenty of confidence and personal assurance, and made a really good speech on the subject of the iloyal Grants debate, in which, though of pro- nounced Radioal tendencies, he had the wisdom of revolting from the rule of H your Storeys and Jacobyns," who were aiming a side blow at the Crown." Mr. Lawson has a large share in the Daily Telegraph, so it goes without saying that he is a wealthy man, I

A Frenchman, having frequently heard the word press used to imply persuade-as "press that gentleman to take some refreshments"— thought he would display his talents by using what he imagined a synonymous term. He accordingly cried out in company one evening, II Pray, squeeze that lady to sing." DRUNKENNESS CURED.-A Wealthy American Lady, whose only son for years was a slave to Intemperance, Nervous Depression, and Exhausted Vitality, after seeking in vain for a cure, and trying all known remedies, at last found a simple means that cured and saved him from a drunkard's grave. Anyone suffering or desiring to help others in this worthy cause, by sending a self-addressed stamped envelope to Mr. James Holland, 25, Hart- street, High Holborn, London, will receive this information free of charge. Mention this paper. Lc439 GBOCER'S SCALES, Canisters. Mills, Machinery Counters, Ilixtures, Stindi ies, and Shop Fittings of every description.—ParnMl 2 £ iurrow Wfne- Itreet, Bristol, skf*'

That Unfortunate Dog. Mrs. Roumeyer had been'an acknowledged beauty in her youth, and at the age of forty- three she still laid claim to that title. But the days of a blonde beauty are numbered, and the more ethereal the style, the more evanescent is its charm. A buxom, large- limbed, Junoesque blonde may still remain fat, fair," and possibly a beauty in middle age; but the dainty, slender, lily-like girl is apt to become thin, faded, and insipid when the first youth is passed. To the latter class belonged Mrs. Eoumeyer. The languid blue eyes had grown pale and lifeless; the dainty nose had become sharp and pinched; the once crimson thread of lips had grown even thinner; and the complexion —well, that still looked delioately fair in a judiciously-managed or artificial light, and the wealth of golden hair remained almost as luxuriant as in youth, so that Mrs. noumeyer, in a clinging tea-gown of exquisite material, appeared still a pretty woman, or, as her admirers termed it, "interesting." But she could not and would not grow old grace- fully." The occasional presence of two stalwart youths who called her Ii mother," both of them 'Varsity men, was a sad trial to her vanity. She looked with envy upon the childless women of her own age who pos- sessed no such terrible landmarks of time, and bitterly resented the habit her big, gray- haired husband had acquired of addressing her in publio by her baptismal name Eliza- beth." "Lily" she had been called in her girlhood, and Lily" she insisted upon re- maining. In the early days of their marriage she had been very proud of her broad-shouldered, handsome giant of a husband, and of his devotion but of late years the race for wealth had aged and sobered him, and the passionate admiration bad subsided into a matter-of-fact, prosaic, conjugal affection, which by no means met the requirements of the spoiled and sentimental beauty. She would not accept the situation. "lie no longer loves me," she complained bitterly; he has grown weary of me;" and then she would quote her favourite authoress, who says There is no task so hopeless as trying to revive the ashes of a dead love;" and having full belief in the philosophy of her literary goddess, she made no effort to fan the little flame of honest, undemonstrative affection which still burned very truly and steadily, although she professed to doubt its existence. So George Roumeyer and his wife drifted farther and farther apart, until his house ceased to be his home, and his wife became simply a (ostIy appendage; for he was a wealthy man, and Mrs. Houmeyer one of the best-dressed women in town. It was 10.30 p.m., and the Lily, looking extremely fragile and ennuyee in the midst of her elegant surroundings, awaited the return of her husband. She had been reading Little Lord Pauntleroy," and the tears still trembled on her pale eyelashes at the remem- brance of its pathos, when George Roumever entered the room. lie looked tired and care- worn. 11 If ave you been very lonely, dear F" he asked kindly. His wife brushed the tears from her eyes as she replied coldly, I am always lonely, morning, noon, and night. No woman leads so lonely, so untiappy a life as mine! "What is that wrerched dog doing now ?" she added with sudden animation and asperity. The Yorkshire terrier was evidently holding "hIgh jinksunder the table. Gyp, Gyp called Roumeyer in an in- sinuating tone, raising the tablecover. The puppy crept from underneath, with a very guilty air, leaving a mass of white down behiud him. H \Vhat has he torn to pieces this time asked his mistress. HI think—I think," hesitatingly replied George, that it has been a powder-puff. Really, Elizabeth, it is very injudicious of you to carry such a thing in your pocket: it has evidently fallen out with your handker- chief. You would have felt awfully uncom- fortable if it had happened when any people were here." "Not at all," was the pettish reply. C. No end of women carry powder-puffe in their pockets," I know one woman who doesn't," muttered Roumeyer dreamily. Fortunately for him this remark was not overheard by his wife. The dog is a perfect nuisance," she said; II I wish you had never given it to me," Very well, Lily," said poor George ("Very well, Lily," was one of his stereotyped replies), I will flucl him another home to-morrow. Lucky dog to get such a home 2" he added under his breath. "By the way, can I have something hot for supper ? I've missed my dinner through the trains, and if it won't bother the cook too much I should like a bird." Mrs, Roumeyer quivered with indignation. Really, George, you are most thoughtless —not to say selfish Thank goodness, 1 have some consideration for my servants. Cook has neuralgia, and I have sent her to bed. One could not foresee that you would require anything cooked at this hour," ivell, Lily," wearily replied the patient fellow; and with a careless conjugal! kiss upon his wife's half-averted cheek, George Roumeyer put on his ovcrcoat, and went out again into the fog. But he did not go to his club. < It was 11.30 a few mornings later, when a hansom cab dashed up to the door, and the driver rang a furious peal upon the bell. A clerk belonging to her husband's firm, and well-known personally to Mra, Roumeyer, was ushered into that lady's presence. I- Ili,. Roumeyer has sent me for his purse, madam," he gasped breathlessly Ii he has left .it upon his dressing-table." Like a flash of lightning those twin-demons Suspicion and Jealousy rushed into Mrs. Roumeyer's small brain. That purse contains some secret, she thought; "George can command any amount of ready money at his office." With a pale face and trembling hands she examined the bulky russia leather case. In contained some bank-notes, a few gold coins, a Metropolitan season-ticket, and a new dog- licence—all harmless enough; and she was about to close the purse with a sigh of relief when a name on the last-mentioned document caught her eye. The new licence described the dog as the property of George Roumeyer, residing at 3, Vittoria-square. St. John's Wood, an address which she had never heard of until that moment. Her husband had always repre- moment. Her husband had always repre- sented himself as the only one of his name in England he had no relations. There could be no doubt that she had discovered a dis- graceful secret-that she was an injured, humiliated, and outraged wife. A few minutes later, a servant, coming in to remind his mistress that the clerk was waiting, found that young lady still and un- conscious upon the floor, with the purse tightly clutched in her slender fingers. Later in the day Mrs. Roumeyer received a telegram from her husband "Shall be very late to-night; do not wait up for me." The telegram had been issued from a post-office in St. John's Wood-road, N.W. At eleven o'clock that night all the windows of a charming house in Vittoria-square, St. John's "VN wai-<» with livo The Venetian blinds had been imperfectly and through the laths could be seen a I of comfort and luxury the light of a bl fire and rose-coloured lamps dancing snowy damask and glittering glass and whilst the neatest and smartest of maids flitted in and out of the room, here and there the finishing touches to was evidently the preparation for a „ midnight meal..a But outside, in the dreary November our. crouching under the cover of a holly-street vjith aching heart and haggard face, watched an unhappy WODl (< Another home, another hearth, happier one than he found with me f Mrs. Roumeyer, j Her worst feara were now confirmed be £ all hope, for through those treacherous she could see her own husband seated i fortably before the fire, calmly reading evening paper, while on his knee, with pricked up in evident expectation arrival, sat that unfortunate dog, witkjj obtrusively new and broad blue encircling his silky throat. Drip, driP the raindrops upon her shivering s-houlo. i and still Mrs. Roumeyer watched for $11 other form which she knew would preStO, come upon the scene. # r In a few moments a beautifully-appoi11;( brougham drove up to the gate, and alighted a tall, graceful woman, cl wrapped in furs. As she harried up the Mrs. Roumeyer's hungry, jealous eyes devo^J every visible detail of her appearance-v* the costliness of the furs, the gleam of the ears and on the slightly-exposed thr Sables and diamonds more costly ever he bestowed on me she thought,J* terly. She saw her husband greet this with a cry of welcome, while even the leaped madly around her, lavishing signS affection upon his mistres-3, The house door was still unclosed, and a stupendous effort of will the unhappy for rose from her crouching position, and, moning all the pride and dignity which possessed, passed with head erect into ™ presence of her husband. « She tried to speak, but her voice scar. rose above a whisper. ( « Choose to-night, once and for all," gasped; choose between this woman me Either abandon her entirely and J back to me, or I will never look upon face again in this world 1" J She was a delicate woman the agony i mind which she had endured for the past f hours, her present passion of indigna^ were more than her feeble frame could port; she swayed heavily forward, and caught in the pitying outstretche i arnmo her beautiful rival. When Mrs. Roumeyer recovered consciOj ness it was with horror and indignation she found herself anxiously—even tender^ cared for by this strange woman, whose b^ attracted even while it repelled her. years younger than herself, and twenty ti1^ more brilliantly beautiful than she had been in youth, her heart sank within he' she realised the hopelessness of ever her husband from such a rival. He was stQ ing near her, looking distressed and agit»- My dear," he said kindly, "you have boured a strange delusion. I have decellf you, but not as you imagine, This lady related to me." Mrs, Roumeyer's reply was a bitter sm^ incredulity, and with a shiver she rise. But a pair of soft white hands detained her, and a sweet persuasive which carried with it a strangely soothing tluence, begged her to remain. ot Ii Poor creature she said. (l I know bf cruelly you are suffering let us happy. Listen while your husband exp^*1 all to you." George Roumeyer spoke A When we married, Lily, you were a y romantic girl, and the thought of losing made me a coward. I dared not tell fi that I had been married before, w that I owned a son. I let you A idea that you were my first love. T want of proper care from me my boy grf* with wild habits and tastes. By cboicj went out to Australia, and as he was e^fjc tionally lucky out there, and made a big 1 j tune, I thought there would never 118 necessity to inform you of hia existence, -p "He had the great good fortune Sydney to meet this lady,who was th^-j| operatic star, and deservedly popular. months ago they came to England, and > night last week Ida made her first appearj'otI in England as Marquerite in Faust." f will know how great and triumphant as", cess she made when I tell you she is knI Ida Heinbcrg," oft Mrs. Roumeyer gazed with amaz,ni the beautiful face. "Ida Reinberg1" all London was ringing with the zk fame of the new prima donna She heIg4 with a party of friends, had intended and hear her on the following night. fOØ You shall be introduced to your step j in a few minutes he is delayed only for little while," said La Reinberg. You insisted upon our being made known to Jjji and had begged that you might be broWj here to-night as a surprise, which I might proved a pleasant one for you; g) your husband wished yon to hear me 81101 a stranger before seeing me in private, poor dear," she added tenderly, "you & f come at once aud change all these wet ments; y-ou must wear my loveliest j,« newest tea-gown and be the queen of jj evening, although I must tell you that my birthday night." nivy Before leaving the room, Mrs. turned timidly to her husband. I dear," she whispered, "I fear I have^ selfish and careless in not thinking enoog. your comfort and happiness; but I b £ »* f my daughter-in-law will teach me to better wife." Retted and coaxed and cared for tender solicitude, the Lily almost pers<f. herself that she was a heroine that 111900 Her husband's son was only about ten Y lJøf her junior, so that she might assume øcØ dearly-loved girlish airs in his presÐ without appearing very ridiculous. ij h "But how did you find U3 out?' | Roumeyer, wonderingly, during the suppe øt "I-I-found the dog licence in I purse," stammered his wife. Whereupon, in consideration of his been the innocent cause of so happy a r j ;■ that unfortunate dog was so overloaded 1f attentions in the shape of chicken, sweety cream, that he, after the wise manner of elected to starve himself for many days World,

Stupidity is to the mind what clumsy t is to the body. It exhibits just the f fatal power of mischief in its own way. j f Mr. Bluff (host, at a little dinner of friends) Yes, gentlemen, I hold that k man should be master of his own house. | is no other way. Well, gentlemen | we adjourn to the library for a smoke. r is no other way. Well, gentlemen OUR we adjourn to the library for a smoke. r gist Guest: Why not smoke here in t is fO old dining-rool-a ? Mr. Bluff; Uin er- Bluff wont let us." j A CARD.—A Clergyman will send, free of a prescription for the cure of all who aufffl'J^ tho errors and indiscretions of youth, debility, physical exhaustion, and early This great remedy was discovered by a in Old Mexico; it saved him from a uoiserabl'^r tence and an early grave. Send a stamped envelope-to Rev, JOSEPH HOLKBS, bury Mansions, Biooawbury-sauarc. Londe"- Montiou tw. papee.