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LLANDOVERY. j

LLANDILO.

Varieties, &c.

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Varieties, &c. She-aI hear Miss Moore wore a piece of lace two hundred years old." He—"T.vo hundred years old And she has all that money J" Columbine- "If you kiss me the second time I will scream." Pierrot—"I have not kissed you the first time yet." Columbine- I know it." Dentist—"Will you take gas, sir ?" Suff- erer—"Er, I don't ki;ow—er—er—is there any risk ?" Dentist-" Xo, dr I shall a¥ you to pay in advance." Mrs. John&on—"Has Mr. Johnson come home for dinner yet Jane—"No, mum." "I thought I heard him downstairs." "That was Leo growling over a bone, mum." Mistress (in registry office, to prospective servant)—"Can you cook ?" Prospective Servant—"Niver mind that just yit. Where do yez live an' what wages wud yez pay ?" Whyte—"I always adapt myself to circum- stances." Black—" I know it. In the win- ter you ask people if it's cold enough for them, and in the summer if it's hot enough for tb"m." "My friends," said a politician the other day, with a burst of eloquence, "I will he honest-" The terrific outburst of ap- plause which followed this remark entire] upset the point which the orator was about to introduce. "Hello old man," exclaimed his friend "how's business ?" "Well," replied thi- pcot as he thought of the unbroken succes- sion of rejected manuscripts, "just at pre- sent it's a case of small profits and quick returns." "What a fine head your bov has said an admiring friend. "Yes," replied the fond lather, 'he's a chip of the old block—ain't you, my boy?" "Yes, father; teacher said yesterday that I was a young blo-khead." A well-known baronet oiu-,3 quelled a riot in a large theatre, which on the particular evening was crowded to the doors. A surly fellow in the pit refused to sit down, and a howl went up from all round him. The crowd was likely to do him and the house some damage, when the baronet oame to the front of his box with the quiet statement Pray excuse the gentleman don't you see it is only a tailor resting himself ?" The man sat down without further urging. Bagley Bailey, do you know that Gig- ley is a mind-reader f" Bailey:" No. Is he ?" Bagley Yes, indeed. He quite I surprised me this morning. I wanted the loan of a sovereign, and so I stepped up to him and said, f Gigley, my dear boy, it's a long time since I have seen you. How is your health ?' I haidn't said a word about the sovereign, but all Gigley said was that he was sorry, but he hadn't got it, and he left me with a bow." Bailey:" Wonder- ful 1" A little over four years ago," said Smithson, I made up my mind that I was smoking too much. It didn't seem to affect my health in the least, but I thought it was a foolish waste of money, and I decided to give it up." A very sensible idea, indeed," remarked Brownlow. So I thought at the time. I figjred out, as closely as I could, how ,nuch I hai been spending ca;h day for cigars and tobacco. That sum I set aside each day and started a banking account with it I wanted ta fcve able to show just exactly how much I had saved bv rot emohiQg." "And how did it work?" inquired Brownlow. At the end of twelve months I found that I had £ 55 in the bank." Good! Could you lend me- And a few days later," interrupted Smithson, last Thursday, in fact—the bank failed. lou havn tgota cigar about you, have you?" According to a story circulating in Berlin, the German Emperor appeared at six o'clock one morning most unexpectedly at the bar- racks of a dragoon regiment. The soldiers were ready for the manoeuvres, but the com- manding officer had not yet arrived. The Emperor waited half an hour, when the delinquent appeared. His ieehngs at the signt of his Sovereign can hetcr he imujrined than described. But the Emperor did not say a word. He assisted at the manrruvres, made several observations, as ustial ,i"d finally left without addressing a word'to the officer at fault, who considered himself lost. He went home in despair and waited his fate. As the evening wore on, a little package was left at his house, addressed to nimselt. No letter or message accompanied it. j He i afctily opened the mysterious par- cel. which was found to contain an alarm clock. An omnibun full of young Parisian students was making its way along the Rue de Rivoli when an unmistakable priest in the robes of office joined the crew. The students, with the student delight of annoying, began at once to tell all the objectionable stories they could recall. The priest spoke not a work until he rose to get out. Then he said, poli tely Au revoir, messieurs." "Urn!" said one of the noisiest, we don't want to see you again, old dismal J" "Mais, au levoir! repeated the curee, "we are sure to meet again soon. I am chaplain of the Mezas prison." A kitten should always be kept where there are children when they are tired of pulling its tail, they can put it into their father's boots. A box of colours is also a source of great amusement, affording them an opportunity of daubing their faces, and of appearing in illuminated pinafores. It is well to let them know where the preserves end pickles are kept, so that going after the jam they may get a bite at a capsicum. On wet days they should be allowed to put ptas into the piano, and thump the keys with their drumsticks. At a somewhat insignificant Nonconformist place of worship in a small provin- cial town, a popular preacher had be-em en- gaged to take some special anniversary services. It was the holiday season, and as the well-known divine was staying it a sea- sde resort in the neighbourhood, he had thus been secured. The momentous Sunday came, and with it a crowded chapel. A re- porter who had come out from the watering- place for the occasion, found him-elf crushed in between two stout, elderly country ladies. All went well. however, until the time for the sermon approached. Then, bringing out his notebook, he jotted down a few parti- culars. The preacher commenced his dis- course, and the reporter's ready pencil dashed along the lines. But, being busy, he did not notice the black looks with which hi, was favoured by the women who elbowed him on either side. The preacher paused for a moment in his discourse, and. unfor- tunately. his glance seemed directed straight towards the reporter. This firmly con- vinced one of the old ladies that the preacher too. was annoyed, so she promptly crave the journalist a dig in the ribs, and in tones heard throughout the chapel, aske-j—" Dost ta. cum 'ere to list t' minister, or ta draw pct-'ooks all t' time, I should like ta bsw?"

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